im 20F. Im extremely shy when it comes to just about anything. I’m already a bit self conscious because his past girlfriends were a lot more experienced than I am. They probably had it all figured out and I’ve never even went down there on anyone. But I love him so much and I constantly find myself thinking about wanting to make him feel good. I just don’t know how to be not awkward about it.

I brought it up kind of like a joke the other day (but I was lowkey serious) and I was like, “how would you feel if I did the thing with my mouth??”😭😭. He seemed shocked and his eyes widened at me, and he kind of chuckled. he must have thought I was joking, but I was being dead serious. He’s one of those respectful gentalmanlike guys. I don’t want to feel like a freak for asking

I walked outside to put water out for the birds since the next two days, I know I wouldn’t be able to go outside (air quality from wildfires- I’m in the middle of Ohio) When i walked back in, I couldn’t breathe very well. I was wheezing, breathing swallow, and ended up needing my inhaler 2x.

My husband just continued to play his video game despite me passing him and walking into the bathroom (which is right next to where he was).

After a couple of minutes he’s yelling from the couch “what’s going on/what’s wrong?”, and I couldn’t respond. After I started breathing well again, I went back to the living room and told him I couldn’t breathe. He then told me that “I shouldn’t have gone outside”, that I was “being dramatic” and that ‘I wasn’t dying’.

Bagel with cinnamon honey butter

Update: No, I don’t have a diagnosed lung disease. Just asthma. I rarely use my inhaler. I went out to the store 3 hours earlier to grab milk, etc before the worst of it hits us tomorrow and Saturday. The air wasn’t great but it wasn’t like how it is now.

Update #2: I had no idea asthma was considered a lung disease! Well ya learn something new everyday! 😂

Update #3: again, I RARELY use my inhaler, maybe once a year…I’ve just educated myself on asthma as so many people asked how I didn’t know it was a lung disease. I have never had breathing tests done (spirometry). I had some wheezing a couple of years ago after having pneumonia, doctor said an inhaler should help, and that she thinks I might have allergy induced asthma. Never have had any allergy tests. I do really appreciate the more empathic comments informing me about asthma 💕

Udon noodles with mushrooms, carrots and fried egg.

Bf of 2 years, just before he was supposed to move in, told me he's in a LOT of debt. He isn't paying it off and just took out another loan. Wasn't even able to tell me what he does with the money. He rejected any help, got snarky and cussed at me, wasn't able to have a normal convo about it. Then he stood up and left. I don't want this in my life.

Please offer encouragement for me to NOT take him back. I'm starting nursing school in 2 months, I have savings and live super responsibly. I don't want to live my life in fear of debt.

TW: cancer

Last October I was working two jobs and actually putting money away for the first time. I was halfway through a semester of three beginner college courses because I’d planned to go to grad school to change careers and then make a livable wage. My social life was vibrant and I was starting to try to date again.

And then I walked into an ER expecting to hear bronchitis or pneumonia at worst. Instead the doctor tells me I not only have leukemia but have large blood clots in my lungs and at least one clot in my heart. Cue a month long stay in a hospital. Lucky or unlucky (I can’t ever decide), I don’t remember the first 3 weeks because I was so high on oxy.

Woke up one day wearing PJs I never would’ve bought myself, with tubes sticking out of my chest, and no idea where I was or how long I’d been there. Had no time to process at all and my family (while well meaning) wouldn’t let me lose it or cry longer than a few minutes.

I had to drop my courses even though I’d been doing well. I had a few hundred emails from work and 70+ texts. I still feel terrible that I told one of my closest and long distance friends that I had cancer and then didn’t reply for 3 weeks.

I was finally released and I’ve been going through months of chemo and I went back to work. I’ve been getting disability but apparently they don’t owe you anything if you work 80% or more of your normal hours. Currently waiting on a check I’m not sure I’m going to get.

My dating life I guess is fine if dull. I haven’t felt pretty since i lost my hair. It’s starting to grow back and now it’s in an ungovernable state and I look like a mess constantly.

I’m so horrendously poor and I have to ask my family for money which is humiliating as a woman in her late twenties. My thoughts of grad school and a career change have been pushed back by a whole year. My job kinda treats me like shit (oh and NONE of my coworkers visited me even though I’ve visited them in the hospital) and I want to leave but the job market sucks and I’m basically a paper pusher right now.

I haven’t taken any time to cope. I feel so betrayed by my own body. I found out I had the BRCA gene years ago and opted to get a bilateral mastectomy in my early twenties. I’d just watched someone I loved waste away and refused to let that happen to me. Every medical decision I’ve made since then was keeping the BRCA in mind and womp womp got cancer anyway

And now I’m staring down the barrel of my final bone marrow test and then waiting to see if it’s gone or if I get the pleasure of more destruction to my body and spirit.

I’m sorry if this is too heavy for here. I feel like I’m bothering everyone in my life about this.

Dessert from a restaurant I recently tried: frozen banana dipped in chocolate and coated in nuts

Since I was 11, my periods have been so bad that I would have to miss school because I was on the floor vomiting. I have a vivid memory of my dad accusing me of being on drugs because the kitchen tile felt good to curl up on. I was tested for PCOS, endometriosis, etc and they couldn't figure it out. Even on birth control it wasn't perfect, I still had pretty intense periods that werent as bad but I also had quite a few side effects. Finally, after having 3 kids at 34, I was able to get my hysterectomy 3 weeks ago. Today, I had a post-op appointment with my doctor where she told me according to the biopsy, I had adenomyosis and that was the issue I have had since starting my period. It honestly has been freeing in a sense to finally have a name for what I went through especially when I researched it afterwards and almost every symptom I have had but felt like it must be only in my head because nearly everyone else it wasn't that bad for and we never knew why it was so bad me. I am so grateful that my doctor actually listened to me and helped me even before we had a name for what was happening to me. I just had to share somewhere because I had never heard of this condition before and if I had known I would have maybe asked the doctors about it before.

Dinner tonight is a Chicken Caesar Salad because it is too hot for anything else.

creme brulee donut

Let me preface this by saying, growing up a lot of boys bullied me. I’d have people asking if I was trans all the time bc the bone in my neck protrudes a little and they’d call it an adam’s apple. Comments about how my arms are hairy for a girls. That there’s something “off” about me. Also I love trans people I am not coming for them with this post at all and please let me know if anything I’m saying could be offensive.

Now as an adult, I feel like I have constant gender dysphoria if I feel like anything about me is too masculine. I grow a couple thick hairs on the bottom of my chin and when I can feel them coming in I freak out. Hate how much body hair I grow it makes me feel like a monster bc I feel like it’s so much more than the average woman. Even have a some thick hairs that grow in the happy trail area. Around the nipples too. My hands are not feminine and I am tall too. I want to be seen as pretty and girly though. I’m always worried if someone thinks I look too boyish. I feel like it’s making me go crazy.

[edit: thanks for all the replies! It’s nice to see how many people can relate and you guys are really informative]

Fuck Donald Trump. Fuck his minions. Fuck his followers. It's bad enough that I have to worry about my girls, my trans child, their education, the environment, being priced out of life... Now I can't have any goddamned lettuce or tomatoes on my goddamned sandwich because he also took away any fucking oversight and fucked over the farmers so now we'll get poisoned if we eat that shit .

And its too fucking hot to grow my own!

FUCK! 😉 But seriously....

Found out last week that he was getting married this week and after being in complete shock things are finally landing that it's really over.

Things weren't really working out between us because he never seemed to fully commit to me and was having doubts, so him marrying a complete stranger in an arranged marriage hit me HARD.

My self-esteem and self-worth are at a total low but at least I'm eating again. Tomato, feta and zaatar with flatbread.

Canned chicken noodle soup, saltines, and pain relief for dinner/breakfast.

I've had a scratchy throat for a couple days and assumed it was the wildfire smoke. Yesterday morning I woke up with a fever and very sore throat. I debated calling out and decided to go in anyhow because I'm on vacation next week. (ETA: I'm in a bit of a flare right now so fevers come and go regularly.)

I made it to work and started having weird crushing chest pains that started extending to my left shoulder. I told my boss I was running to see my PCP who is just across the road.

Primary examines me, takes two swabs from my throat and rapid strep comes back negative. He Dxs Tonsillitis and Rxs Abx. He checks my BP and HR and tells me to get myself to the ER, and if I can't- he'll call 911.

My fiance had just finished work so he came and took me to the ER... It took 2.5 hours just to see the triage nurse. An hour to get registered. Another hour to get an ECG. Then they told me it would be about 4 hours to get my blood drawn, and an hour minimum after that to speak to a doctor.

I took that as indication enough that I wasn't having a heart attack and took my leave. They called at 3am wondering where I was because it was time to do bloodwork. Hokay buddy!

Anyhow, I'm dealing with my first bout of Tonsillitis now at my advanced age and am miserable. My throat is on fire and I'm losing my voice. I can't wait 3 days for the Abx to kick in, if they even work.

(I'll go back to my PCP for follow up on the chest pains, but literally a hundred people in the ER were there for chest pains yesterday so I'm assuming it's the same for me.)

certified plate of brown, chicken and noodles for dinner

I have been working for a veterinary remote company for over a year and have received nothing but “exceeds expectation” at my performance reviews. I even worked for them all the way across the world for 3 months without missing a beat.

Why was I across the world? My husband was getting treated for a severe spine injury. He has been out of work for over 2 years and I make our only income. When we found out he had undiagnosed Spondylolithesis for a decade and was at risk of paralysis, we lost a lot. By pure chance we were able to travel to Japan to get him cheaper care thanks to friends who lived there giving us a room to stay in, I worked through th night with this remote job to maintain us while also still paying rent for our place back in the states. Even with all that, the cost compared to his care in the US was insane ($4000 for one MRI here in America but in Japan the full consult with complete imaging was $600). You can only do so much with a tourist visa though, and we need a large sum of money upfront to apply for the medical visa he needs for the surgery the doctors in Japan said he needs to maintain the ability to walk. My husband’s line of work involved making costumes (think like power rangers or Ultraman) so we decided to have a 24/7 live stream where he makes a costume on stream and people would donate to the cause while enjoying learning his craft.

I shared the livestream internally within my company in hopes people would watch or share the story. This company was a life saver when I had to work remote and help my husband while he was unable to do daily tasks. I thought they were trustworthy, a small private owned company with less than 100 employees.

Well today I learned someone was using the stream to document when I was on camera during work hours (they have 20 minutes total of footage, less than how much an allowed break is in my paperwork). I only found out that it was an issue when they were on video call firing me. Before this, I was told I was having “Remote Desktop connection issues” but it seems that was all a lie and they are calling it time card fraud. It doesn’t matter that I still completed all my work on time or that I was an exemplary employee or that I was just trying to raise money for my husband to get medical care.

So now our only method of income is shot. I wa already puddle jumping bills and sold two big ticket items last month just to make rent. I really don’t know what I will do right now. I feel so burned by everything and everyone.

EDIT TO ADD since a lot of people seem focused on this:

I am not currently in japan and neither is my husband. The whole point of the fundraiser is the get the funds to apply for the visa to return. We are live streaming from our home in North Carolina. Sorry for any confusion. I do not think that is related to me being fired, I only included for context on why the fundraiser livestream was needed

Meal: pizza that got turned sideways in the the delivery driver’s car

My fiancée is going through it with her family (dad specifically), and I feel like it’s my fault. I can sit here and know it’s not, but it doesn’t change the guilt I feel when the issues start flaring again.

The really short version (yeah, these six paragraphs are the short version) is he yelled at me during a holiday visit a couple years ago, like spoke to me in ways my own father hasn’t, and my fiancée lost it. Once she stopped crying from the shock, she started fighting with him, and it’s been on and off since then.

This past year, I had a breakdown on the way to go see her parents for the holidays because the last time I saw them, her dad had made no effort to change. He was just chattering on like he did in the five years before he yelled at me, ignoring every tiny adjustment that my fiancée begged him to make. There was no yelling. The worst thing that happened was some side eye in an elevator when I got a little annoyed with it being crowded. (Which, like, I’m allowed to take a deep breath and keep it to myself.)

I didn’t go back to their house, mostly of my fiancée’s decision, and he took it personally! My fiancée tried to talk to her parents about the fact that that I was to be on my best behavior so her expectation was that they would also have been trying to be more welcoming and accommodating. The conversation went off the rails, and she left their house telling me I didn’t have to talk to her dad ever again if I didn’t want to.

So he clearly doesn’t like me, especially with all of the terrible things he’s said about me to my fiancée since they’ve started fighting. He clearly thinks they’re fighting about me when she’s airing her grievances of his behavior broadly. I just happen to be a very clear and recent example.

He then tried texting me to “figure things out” between us, which I accepted (suspiciously). The conversation turned into him taking jabs and telling me to “chill out” when I told him I wouldn’t continue if he was going to make jabs throughout. My fiancée ended up calling him and yelling at him about this too, even though I told her not too. That phone call didn’t go well either.

He’s also been lashing out in their family group chat at both my fiancée and her sister, in ways that are shocking both her sister and mom. It’s about similar ferocity to how he’s been engaging with my fiancée when they’re actively fighting, but it’s on a hairpin trigger.

I know his sudden turn face isn’t my fault. I know it’s not. But I’m seeing so much damage happen to their family because of this anger. He didn’t do this — not to this severity — before he yelled at me. I personally hadn’t even seen him more than a little miffed before that! I’m clearly the catalyst for whatever is going on here, and I feel responsible for their relationship crumbling. I can’t shake it. It lives right behind my eyes and makes me want to cry when I think about it. My fiancée doesn’t deserve this! She deserves a dad who listens to her and hears the ways he’s hurting her and adjusts. It makes me so sad that she thought she had that, and he’s proving to her repeatedly that she doesn’t.

Now, she doesn’t want him at our wedding. And that feels like my fault.

This is a true girl dinner I had recently on a rare night alone.

Regarding the title. My husband is chatty. He loves to talk on the phone to his friends, to family, to me, to strangers sometimes. I loathe talking on the phone. So usually he calls me up while he’s driving, tells me about his day, etc. Same as he does with his friends. Sometimes I overhear his calls with his friends and it just seems like they’re waiting for their turn to talk. I do not understand this at all! If I call my friends it’s probably an emergency!

Today he was wrapping up and he said to me “all right man, talk to you later” and then he was immediately a little embarrassed LOL. I think he was hoping I didn’t notice. I just laughed it off.

homemade chicken and dumplings for me, my partner and roommate

i have struggled with body dysmorphia my entire life. in high school i couldn’t get dressed without sobbing. my relationship with my body has gotten better over time, but i still really struggle with insecurity.

i graduated college in may, and writing my senior thesis + finals was really hard, i very much neglected my health during this time as all my energy went to cerebral work. right now im focusing on getting healthier after this period of neglect.

while talking to my partner of 6 years about all of this and what i want for myself, i asked him, “what would you prefer me look like?”

his exact response was “i would not impose my evil male gaze upon something as sublime as the feminine form.”

hehehe i really found a good one early (i’m 22)

Hi all! Just wanted to share a spot of happiness in the world. My mother was diagnosed with multiple myeloma cancer (bone cancer) 13 years ago now, and after many treatments, it was looking like shes low on options.

She just started a new clinical trial and after only 2 doses, her cancer numbers are now unmeasureable!!! The side effects have been lower than most treatments (still significant) but Q.O.L. is staying good 🥰

In addition, I was accepted into a single PhD position that just happens to be an hour from home, so I can visit and support when she needs.

Im super happy and hope this brightens someone's day ❤️ Life sometimes sucks, but it also sometimes aligns in ways that dont suck - so keep going because you'll get there one day!

Dinner is powdered beignets 😋

Edit: Thank you all for the wonderful kind words! 😊

I’ve been proactively trying to date from ages 18-23. All I’ve gotten is 2 very short term relationships where they quickly left when a woman who was “ their type” gave them a chance, and one long term FWB. The majority of men just want to have sex with me, and a good amount of them just ghost me after sex.

Its just wrecked my self esteem at this point. The last guy I tried dating only went out with me cause he was desperate and had no other options. I even gave him the opportunity to just be fwb and he still decided no sex was better . I still see him on dating apps, he has two accounts on hinge- that’s how desperate he is- and I’m still not even good enough for casual. He’s not conventionally attractive either.

I’ve had men I’ve dated complain to my face that attractive woman won’t give them a chance. The only men who will even give me the time of day are these fellow unconventional looking men who are desperate and can’t get their type. If I try talking about it people swear looks don’t matter in dating and that I just must not be trying hard enough.

To make it worse it’s my face that’s unattractive, my body is thin but my face is just masculine. It’s hard to not feel less than when I’m just never attractive enough for romantic love.

Banging Chinese food

Happened some time ago, basically when me and my bf started dating, I think it was the third/fourth time we did it😂 I haven’t had sex with many guys before him and sex with those guys have always just felt physical, nothing more. It’s not that I didn’t like it, it just never felt like this person wants me, just that this person wants to have sex with me, yk? I never deeped it though.

It was like that until my now bf came along. It was Valentine’s Day and he cooked me dinner at my place after an unusually long day and we had an at home candle lit date. He got me a massive bouquet of roses already put in my vase, presents, and a lovely filled out card which I was the most happy about (my love language is words). Amazing Conversations this and that, got ready for bed and started doing it. He was just so gentle, and nervous at the same time it was honestly rlly cute. And he stared into my eyes the whole time, didn’t wanna do any other position other than the ones where he could see my face. Kisses me everywhere, but kisses my face the most. Compliments me so much, I’ve never felt so close to someone. I finally understood what it means to have sex to truly connect with someone. It was amazing, I felt so loved from the sex and all the moments leading up to it that I started crying. He was a bit startled and asked me if I was okay and if he did something wrong. I think he was scared he’d hurt me. And I just bawled even more and told him all this, and he started laughing and telling me it’s okay and that he’s happy he made me feel loved bcs he rlly wanted to show it. And that he’s sorry I’ve never felt this way before. Then happy endings happy endings then sleep with me in his arms 😆😆😆😆

Chili oil marinated alaskan halibut, homemade spicy rice street corn tomato broth soup with mozzarella and a soft boiled egg.

⚠️ TW for abuse

Recently went long distance with my bf of over a year. He had horrible anger issues and was emotionally/verbally abusive (cursed me out, often said I was a horrible person/the worst person he knows, punches walls, hit my car window, hit the steering wheel when screaming at me when going 80, you get it) but went through a period of genuine (?) change and I ,stupidly, stayed with him. He takes shrooms sometimes, and while I don’t care about it, I hate talking to him when he’s tripping cause he gets kinda mean and really really needy for hoursss. Earlier today he started sending me paragraphs of shroom rants, and when I told him I didn’t want to talk until he sobered up a little (in a very kind way, told him to find other people to reach out to, I love him, he’ll be okay, etc) he responded with “you’re the worst” “im gonna kms.”
Yeahhh, blocked on everything, that’s so pathetic honestly. Telling you because no one else knows right now. Very relived, he really made me hate myself, but still heartbroken because that’s my best friend and why couldn’t he just be better :(

Sushi Bake I made last night, and eating for breakfast. (Recipe by Alissa Won on insta!)

My (33f) half sister (20f) has been with this guy (36m) for about 2.5 years now (she just turned 18 at the time, she’s about to turn 21 in a few months). They met online playing COD around the time she turned 18. It’s been a huge deal in our family. My full blooded older sister (34f) and her got into it and now they no longer talk. My older sister thinks he is a pedo, *supposedly* he had a 14 year old living with him before they met. She had also messaged his mom and talked to her about it and she says it’s true. But, he claims his mom has mental issues and makes things up. She moved to a different state to be with him. She told everyone that he can’t have kids for whatever reason, but we all called bs. Of course, she got pregnant and they had a baby girl last October. I’ve tried to be supportive and open with communication, i don’t want her to feel like she can’t come to me if she needs something. My dad and step mom are doing the same. We know if she gets pushed, she will just cut us off and be even more isolated. My husband plays games, and he is friends with her BF on a gaming platform, has been for a while now. But, last week, my husband called me into his office and told me to look at what he found. My husband likes to see what his friends play and look at their wish list to see if he can buy them games or see if anything looks interesting to play. What he found is MULTIPLE gooner games. Some of them are so degrading and just straight up creepy af. He’s been playing them for a very long time, and is still playing them. Y’all, HE EVEN REVIEWS THEM. It is the cringiest sh!t I’ve ever seen. Some of the games are VR as well. I highly doubt that my baby sister knows this. And if she does, I can’t help but feel like she doesn’t like it. Obviously, I don’t know, but even if she was okay with it, I feel like this just further shows what a f@cking creep he is. This feels so much more gross than someone watching porn. Games, you actually interact with. I seriously hope he isn’t playing that crap when he’s watching their daughter. I don’t know if I should tell her. I know it’s really not any of my business. And, it’s so awkward and embarrassing. Anyone on her bfs friends list can see his games and reviews. I’m just disgusted.

EDIT TO ADD: a gooner is someone who obsessively masturbates to porn. He’s playing porn games. Like gross, degrading, porn games.

EDIT AGAIN: I messaged my older sister about it. I don’t know she had messaged that then 14 year old and asked her about the relationship. She said she was 14 and had a horrible home life, and he was 26. She said she left him when she turned 18, he was abusive and had anger issues. Oh, and she knows of one other underaged girl that also was involved with him. She can’t access her old messages with him. So there’s really no other way to prove it’s true. Idk if my younger sister knows about this.

My bestie has been "trolling" people in our friend group by pretending to like this RANDOM guy. I told her to stop it's getting weird and she laughed it off. One day she sent me a video of her barking on her knees for this guy. So I told her to stop actually it's getting to a point. She said she will delete it and I said ok.

Later she frantically called me and told me to check our friend gc with like 30 people cause it branches out to mutuals and other friends. So it turns out when sharing to me she accidentally shared it to the gc when she was trying to unselect them. Everyone is saying she's a desperate pig and shared it to something else I think.

Now she's crying and we're going to go to her house and eat ice cream while she rants about it... Also half of our friends stopped talking to her out of embarrassment so yeah.

TO BE CLEAR SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HIM 😭 NEVER INTERACTED JUST RANDOMLY FOUND HIM AND STARTED MAKING A JOKE UNTIL THIS. ( 17 )

Update post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/comments/1uyo82c/update_video_got_out_of_bsf_barking_on_her_knees/

I was raised by a pretty controlling mother who conditioned me to be a people pleaser. Growing up, I often did things I didn't want to do to make other people happy because I was taught that other people's wants (especially her's) were more important than my own. I'm 30 now, and I'm still unlearning that conditioning. Even today, I tend to agree to things that I don't really want to do because I'm worried people will get mad at me or not want me in their life anymore if I say no. I'm learning to be better about honoring my own wants and saying no without feeling guilty or over-explaining myself.

My girlfriend works at a recreation center, and she got me to join their recreational volleyball league. Three weeks ago during a game, I slid for a ball and landed really hard on my left knee. Even though I was wearing knee pads, it hurt really badly. I had to take a break from yoga for a bit to let it recover (which was really hard for me because my mental health is very dependent upon my ability to do yoga regularly.)

Last week, there was another game, and even though I tried to be careful, I ended up reinjuring my knee. I also didn't play well because I was so worried about hurting my knee again that I was holding back. I know I probably shouldn't have gone, but I put pressure on myself to go because people on the team see me as one of the better players and I didn't want everyone else to be disappointed. I talked to my girlfriend after the game because she could tell I was in a really pissy mood about my knee being hurt again. I told her I probably wouldn't come to next week's (now today's) game because I really need my knee to be better so I can get back to doing yoga regularly.

My girlfriend texted me earlier today "You're not coming today right?" (likely because she was putting together the line-up for the game) and at first, I did what I usually do. I drafted a bunch of responses explaining that I really wanted to go but that I didn't want to re-injure my knee again and to tell the team I'm sorry and making a bunch of excuses. But then I deleted all of that and just replied with "Yeah I’m not."

I'm proud of me. I know it probably seems pretty minor, but when you're raised to believe that what other people want is more important than what you want, even small instances of saying "no" to people can be challenging.

Featured food: Chicken nuggets, brazilian cheese bites, and mashed avocado