Udon noodles with mushrooms, carrots and fried egg.

Bf of 2 years, just before he was supposed to move in, told me he's in a LOT of debt. He isn't paying it off and just took out another loan. Wasn't even able to tell me what he does with the money. He rejected any help, got snarky and cussed at me, wasn't able to have a normal convo about it. Then he stood up and left. I don't want this in my life.

Please offer encouragement for me to NOT take him back. I'm starting nursing school in 2 months, I have savings and live super responsibly. I don't want to live my life in fear of debt.

TW: parental death, police, gun violence

(Sorry mods I know this is a super controversial topic feel free to take down at your discretion. I don't really care if people find out any details. It's just 4:30 am and I'm spiraling again.)

I can't believe they killed her like that man. Like they didn't just take away my mom, they took away my world. So much of my life has been centered around her, like one of my earliest memories is my dad telling me "your mom is sick so you have to take care her." So much of who I am is because of my mom.

And they just fucking killed her. I was always so protective of her, she's so precious to me. I love her so much. And now I have to live through this nightmare.

So now here I am once again reading comments on the videos they posted of what I can only see as a state sponsored firing squad execution. And for what??

I keep trying to learn and research and educate myself on this shit, and it just gets worse. Like there were so many things they could've done before fucking shooting her idk how many times. It's like they didn't even try. And God forbid you try to hold armed trained officers to any sort of standards in that shithole of a state.

And I'm supposed to just idk be chill with it or something? I was planning on being with her for like at least another decade. Am I supposed to just go "oh well, cops killed my mom. Guess I'll just move on with my life~" like are you fucking kidding me?

Anyways yeah, probably a million or so people have watched my mom die. But it's just one of many such cases and the news cycle continues.

Pic is swedish meatballs.

Edit: Just in case I don't reply to everyone, thank you for all the condolences. I really appreciate it. Feels kinda weird after lurking so much. Also thank you for keeping things respectful and all.

l'm 20 and I live alone. l've been at the animal hospital most of the day with my cat Makai. He's been in the ICU for two weeks. He'd confirmed dental floss, sepsis, surgery. He's stable, but there's a barrier to his treatment I can't get past. l've sold everything. Asked everyone. The well is dry. They’ve told me if I can’t give them what they need as of their schedules procedures, they’ll stop the treatment. For his own goood they say.

Not because he’s too sick. Because of a policy I can’t get past. If treatment stops, he won’t get to come home. Since I started talking about him onlinr, strangers have been messaging me. Telling me l'm not responsible for leaving floss out. That l'm not responsible for not having insurance. That l'm crazy for being this emotional over "just a cat." Some person took a photo of him from my profile and used it to generate an AI image of him eating dental floss out of a bowl, then sent it to me. They thought tormenting me with a fake picture of the very thing that almost sent him was something to laugh about.

I've read every word. I've seen that image. I don't have the energy to argue anymore.

l came home tonight to an empty apartment and realized l hadn't eaten for just over a day because l don't know what to do other than think about this.

TW: cancer

Last October I was working two jobs and actually putting money away for the first time. I was halfway through a semester of three beginner college courses because I’d planned to go to grad school to change careers and then make a livable wage. My social life was vibrant and I was starting to try to date again.

And then I walked into an ER expecting to hear bronchitis or pneumonia at worst. Instead the doctor tells me I not only have leukemia but have large blood clots in my lungs and at least one clot in my heart. Cue a month long stay in a hospital. Lucky or unlucky (I can’t ever decide), I don’t remember the first 3 weeks because I was so high on oxy.

Woke up one day wearing PJs I never would’ve bought myself, with tubes sticking out of my chest, and no idea where I was or how long I’d been there. Had no time to process at all and my family (while well meaning) wouldn’t let me lose it or cry longer than a few minutes.

I had to drop my courses even though I’d been doing well. I had a few hundred emails from work and 70+ texts. I still feel terrible that I told one of my closest and long distance friends that I had cancer and then didn’t reply for 3 weeks.

I was finally released and I’ve been going through months of chemo and I went back to work. I’ve been getting disability but apparently they don’t owe you anything if you work 80% or more of your normal hours. Currently waiting on a check I’m not sure I’m going to get.

My dating life I guess is fine if dull. I haven’t felt pretty since i lost my hair. It’s starting to grow back and now it’s in an ungovernable state and I look like a mess constantly.

I’m so horrendously poor and I have to ask my family for money which is humiliating as a woman in her late twenties. My thoughts of grad school and a career change have been pushed back by a whole year. My job kinda treats me like shit (oh and NONE of my coworkers visited me even though I’ve visited them in the hospital) and I want to leave but the job market sucks and I’m basically a paper pusher right now.

I haven’t taken any time to cope. I feel so betrayed by my own body. I found out I had the BRCA gene years ago and opted to get a bilateral mastectomy in my early twenties. I’d just watched someone I loved waste away and refused to let that happen to me. Every medical decision I’ve made since then was keeping the BRCA in mind and womp womp got cancer anyway

And now I’m staring down the barrel of my final bone marrow test and then waiting to see if it’s gone or if I get the pleasure of more destruction to my body and spirit.

I’m sorry if this is too heavy for here. I feel like I’m bothering everyone in my life about this.

Dessert from a restaurant I recently tried: frozen banana dipped in chocolate and coated in nuts

Since I was 11, my periods have been so bad that I would have to miss school because I was on the floor vomiting. I have a vivid memory of my dad accusing me of being on drugs because the kitchen tile felt good to curl up on. I was tested for PCOS, endometriosis, etc and they couldn't figure it out. Even on birth control it wasn't perfect, I still had pretty intense periods that werent as bad but I also had quite a few side effects. Finally, after having 3 kids at 34, I was able to get my hysterectomy 3 weeks ago. Today, I had a post-op appointment with my doctor where she told me according to the biopsy, I had adenomyosis and that was the issue I have had since starting my period. It honestly has been freeing in a sense to finally have a name for what I went through especially when I researched it afterwards and almost every symptom I have had but felt like it must be only in my head because nearly everyone else it wasn't that bad for and we never knew why it was so bad me. I am so grateful that my doctor actually listened to me and helped me even before we had a name for what was happening to me. I just had to share somewhere because I had never heard of this condition before and if I had known I would have maybe asked the doctors about it before.

Dinner tonight is a Chicken Caesar Salad because it is too hot for anything else.

creme brulee donut

Let me preface this by saying, growing up a lot of boys bullied me. I’d have people asking if I was trans all the time bc the bone in my neck protrudes a little and they’d call it an adam’s apple. Comments about how my arms are hairy for a girls. That there’s something “off” about me. Also I love trans people I am not coming for them with this post at all and please let me know if anything I’m saying could be offensive.

Now as an adult, I feel like I have constant gender dysphoria if I feel like anything about me is too masculine. I grow a couple thick hairs on the bottom of my chin and when I can feel them coming in I freak out. Hate how much body hair I grow it makes me feel like a monster bc I feel like it’s so much more than the average woman. Even have a some thick hairs that grow in the happy trail area. Around the nipples too. My hands are not feminine and I am tall too. I want to be seen as pretty and girly though. I’m always worried if someone thinks I look too boyish. I feel like it’s making me go crazy.

[edit: thanks for all the replies! It’s nice to see how many people can relate and you guys are really informative]

Fuck Donald Trump. Fuck his minions. Fuck his followers. It's bad enough that I have to worry about my girls, my trans child, their education, the environment, being priced out of life... Now I can't have any goddamned lettuce or tomatoes on my goddamned sandwich because he also took away any fucking oversight and fucked over the farmers so now we'll get poisoned if we eat that shit .

And its too fucking hot to grow my own!

FUCK! 😉 But seriously....

im 20F. Im extremely shy when it comes to just about anything. I’m already a bit self conscious because his past girlfriends were a lot more experienced than I am. They probably had it all figured out and I’ve never even went down there on anyone. But I love him so much and I constantly find myself thinking about wanting to make him feel good. I just don’t know how to be not awkward about it.

I brought it up kind of like a joke the other day (but I was lowkey serious) and I was like, “how would you feel if I did the thing with my mouth??”😭😭. He seemed shocked and his eyes widened at me, and he kind of chuckled. he must have thought I was joking, but I was being dead serious. He’s one of those respectful gentalmanlike guys. I don’t want to feel like a freak for asking

Found out last week that he was getting married this week and after being in complete shock things are finally landing that it's really over.

Things weren't really working out between us because he never seemed to fully commit to me and was having doubts, so him marrying a complete stranger in an arranged marriage hit me HARD.

My self-esteem and self-worth are at a total low but at least I'm eating again. Tomato, feta and zaatar with flatbread.

certified plate of brown, chicken and noodles for dinner

I have been working for a veterinary remote company for over a year and have received nothing but “exceeds expectation” at my performance reviews. I even worked for them all the way across the world for 3 months without missing a beat.

Why was I across the world? My husband was getting treated for a severe spine injury. He has been out of work for over 2 years and I make our only income. When we found out he had undiagnosed Spondylolithesis for a decade and was at risk of paralysis, we lost a lot. By pure chance we were able to travel to Japan to get him cheaper care thanks to friends who lived there giving us a room to stay in, I worked through th night with this remote job to maintain us while also still paying rent for our place back in the states. Even with all that, the cost compared to his care in the US was insane ($4000 for one MRI here in America but in Japan the full consult with complete imaging was $600). You can only do so much with a tourist visa though, and we need a large sum of money upfront to apply for the medical visa he needs for the surgery the doctors in Japan said he needs to maintain the ability to walk. My husband’s line of work involved making costumes (think like power rangers or Ultraman) so we decided to have a 24/7 live stream where he makes a costume on stream and people would donate to the cause while enjoying learning his craft.

I shared the livestream internally within my company in hopes people would watch or share the story. This company was a life saver when I had to work remote and help my husband while he was unable to do daily tasks. I thought they were trustworthy, a small private owned company with less than 100 employees.

Well today I learned someone was using the stream to document when I was on camera during work hours (they have 20 minutes total of footage, less than how much an allowed break is in my paperwork). I only found out that it was an issue when they were on video call firing me. Before this, I was told I was having “Remote Desktop connection issues” but it seems that was all a lie and they are calling it time card fraud. It doesn’t matter that I still completed all my work on time or that I was an exemplary employee or that I was just trying to raise money for my husband to get medical care.

So now our only method of income is shot. I wa already puddle jumping bills and sold two big ticket items last month just to make rent. I really don’t know what I will do right now. I feel so burned by everything and everyone.

EDIT TO ADD since a lot of people seem focused on this:

I am not currently in japan and neither is my husband. The whole point of the fundraiser is the get the funds to apply for the visa to return. We are live streaming from our home in North Carolina. Sorry for any confusion. I do not think that is related to me being fired, I only included for context on why the fundraiser livestream was needed

This is a true girl dinner I had recently on a rare night alone.

Regarding the title. My husband is chatty. He loves to talk on the phone to his friends, to family, to me, to strangers sometimes. I loathe talking on the phone. So usually he calls me up while he’s driving, tells me about his day, etc. Same as he does with his friends. Sometimes I overhear his calls with his friends and it just seems like they’re waiting for their turn to talk. I do not understand this at all! If I call my friends it’s probably an emergency!

Today he was wrapping up and he said to me “all right man, talk to you later” and then he was immediately a little embarrassed LOL. I think he was hoping I didn’t notice. I just laughed it off.

homemade chicken and dumplings for me, my partner and roommate

i have struggled with body dysmorphia my entire life. in high school i couldn’t get dressed without sobbing. my relationship with my body has gotten better over time, but i still really struggle with insecurity.

i graduated college in may, and writing my senior thesis + finals was really hard, i very much neglected my health during this time as all my energy went to cerebral work. right now im focusing on getting healthier after this period of neglect.

while talking to my partner of 6 years about all of this and what i want for myself, i asked him, “what would you prefer me look like?”

his exact response was “i would not impose my evil male gaze upon something as sublime as the feminine form.”

hehehe i really found a good one early (i’m 22)

Hi all! Just wanted to share a spot of happiness in the world. My mother was diagnosed with multiple myeloma cancer (bone cancer) 13 years ago now, and after many treatments, it was looking like shes low on options.

She just started a new clinical trial and after only 2 doses, her cancer numbers are now unmeasureable!!! The side effects have been lower than most treatments (still significant) but Q.O.L. is staying good 🥰

In addition, I was accepted into a single PhD position that just happens to be an hour from home, so I can visit and support when she needs.

Im super happy and hope this brightens someone's day ❤️ Life sometimes sucks, but it also sometimes aligns in ways that dont suck - so keep going because you'll get there one day!

Dinner is powdered beignets 😋

Edit: Thank you all for the wonderful kind words! 😊

I walked outside to put water out for the birds since the next two days, I know I wouldn’t be able to go outside (air quality from wildfires- I’m in the middle of Ohio) When i walked back in, I couldn’t breathe very well. I was wheezing, breathing swallow, and ended up needing my inhaler 2x.

My husband just continued to play his video game despite me passing him and walking into the bathroom (which is right next to where he was).

After a couple of minutes he’s yelling from the couch “what’s going on/what’s wrong?”, and I couldn’t respond. After I started breathing well again, I went back to the living room and told him I couldn’t breathe. He then told me that “I shouldn’t have gone outside”, that I was “being dramatic” and that ‘I wasn’t dying’.

Bagel with cinnamon honey butter

Update: No, I don’t have a diagnosed lung disease. Just asthma. I rarely use my inhaler. I went out to the store 3 hours earlier to grab milk, etc before the worst of it hits us tomorrow and Saturday. The air wasn’t great but it wasn’t like how it is now.

Update #2: I had no idea asthma was considered a lung disease! Well ya learn something new everyday! 😂

Update #3: again, I RARELY use my inhaler, maybe once a year…I’ve just educated myself on asthma as so many people asked how I didn’t know it was a lung disease. I have never had breathing tests done (spirometry). I had some wheezing a couple of years ago after having pneumonia, doctor said an inhaler should help, and that she thinks I might have allergy induced asthma. Never have had any allergy tests. I do really appreciate the more empathic comments informing me about asthma 💕

I’ve been proactively trying to date from ages 18-23. All I’ve gotten is 2 very short term relationships where they quickly left when a woman who was “ their type” gave them a chance, and one long term FWB. The majority of men just want to have sex with me, and a good amount of them just ghost me after sex.

Its just wrecked my self esteem at this point. The last guy I tried dating only went out with me cause he was desperate and had no other options. I even gave him the opportunity to just be fwb and he still decided no sex was better . I still see him on dating apps, he has two accounts on hinge- that’s how desperate he is- and I’m still not even good enough for casual. He’s not conventionally attractive either.

I’ve had men I’ve dated complain to my face that attractive woman won’t give them a chance. The only men who will even give me the time of day are these fellow unconventional looking men who are desperate and can’t get their type. If I try talking about it people swear looks don’t matter in dating and that I just must not be trying hard enough.

To make it worse it’s my face that’s unattractive, my body is thin but my face is just masculine. It’s hard to not feel less than when I’m just never attractive enough for romantic love.

Banging Chinese food

Happened some time ago, basically when me and my bf started dating, I think it was the third/fourth time we did it😂 I haven’t had sex with many guys before him and sex with those guys have always just felt physical, nothing more. It’s not that I didn’t like it, it just never felt like this person wants me, just that this person wants to have sex with me, yk? I never deeped it though.

It was like that until my now bf came along. It was Valentine’s Day and he cooked me dinner at my place after an unusually long day and we had an at home candle lit date. He got me a massive bouquet of roses already put in my vase, presents, and a lovely filled out card which I was the most happy about (my love language is words). Amazing Conversations this and that, got ready for bed and started doing it. He was just so gentle, and nervous at the same time it was honestly rlly cute. And he stared into my eyes the whole time, didn’t wanna do any other position other than the ones where he could see my face. Kisses me everywhere, but kisses my face the most. Compliments me so much, I’ve never felt so close to someone. I finally understood what it means to have sex to truly connect with someone. It was amazing, I felt so loved from the sex and all the moments leading up to it that I started crying. He was a bit startled and asked me if I was okay and if he did something wrong. I think he was scared he’d hurt me. And I just bawled even more and told him all this, and he started laughing and telling me it’s okay and that he’s happy he made me feel loved bcs he rlly wanted to show it. And that he’s sorry I’ve never felt this way before. Then happy endings happy endings then sleep with me in his arms 😆😆😆😆

Sushi Bake I made last night, and eating for breakfast. (Recipe by Alissa Won on insta!)

My (33f) half sister (20f) has been with this guy (36m) for about 2.5 years now (she just turned 18 at the time, she’s about to turn 21 in a few months). They met online playing COD around the time she turned 18. It’s been a huge deal in our family. My full blooded older sister (34f) and her got into it and now they no longer talk. My older sister thinks he is a pedo, *supposedly* he had a 14 year old living with him before they met. She had also messaged his mom and talked to her about it and she says it’s true. But, he claims his mom has mental issues and makes things up. She moved to a different state to be with him. She told everyone that he can’t have kids for whatever reason, but we all called bs. Of course, she got pregnant and they had a baby girl last October. I’ve tried to be supportive and open with communication, i don’t want her to feel like she can’t come to me if she needs something. My dad and step mom are doing the same. We know if she gets pushed, she will just cut us off and be even more isolated. My husband plays games, and he is friends with her BF on a gaming platform, has been for a while now. But, last week, my husband called me into his office and told me to look at what he found. My husband likes to see what his friends play and look at their wish list to see if he can buy them games or see if anything looks interesting to play. What he found is MULTIPLE gooner games. Some of them are so degrading and just straight up creepy af. He’s been playing them for a very long time, and is still playing them. Y’all, HE EVEN REVIEWS THEM. It is the cringiest sh!t I’ve ever seen. Some of the games are VR as well. I highly doubt that my baby sister knows this. And if she does, I can’t help but feel like she doesn’t like it. Obviously, I don’t know, but even if she was okay with it, I feel like this just further shows what a f@cking creep he is. This feels so much more gross than someone watching porn. Games, you actually interact with. I seriously hope he isn’t playing that crap when he’s watching their daughter. I don’t know if I should tell her. I know it’s really not any of my business. And, it’s so awkward and embarrassing. Anyone on her bfs friends list can see his games and reviews. I’m just disgusted.

EDIT TO ADD: a gooner is someone who obsessively masturbates to porn. He’s playing porn games. Like gross, degrading, porn games.

EDIT AGAIN: I messaged my older sister about it. I don’t know she had messaged that then 14 year old and asked her about the relationship. She said she was 14 and had a horrible home life, and he was 26. She said she left him when she turned 18, he was abusive and had anger issues. Oh, and she knows of one other underaged girl that also was involved with him. She can’t access her old messages with him. So there’s really no other way to prove it’s true. Idk if my younger sister knows about this.

Yesterdays girl dinner of fruit cupcakes and cappuccino

(TW to girls struggling with food)

My bf and I have been together for 3.5 years. We are both immigrants and we met abroad, but he’s half italian and his father still lives in Italy. For years his dad was asking when would i come over to visit their city too, and this summer we finally managed to go together.

I wish I just stayed home.

It started minor, as he’s dad is an older guy, starting with some issues with mess in the house, dirty shower and such. I come from a disinfect-everything-at-least-once-a-week family and that’s the standard me and my bf live with normally too, so it is a bit hard but nothing a person couldn’t get over just for 8 days.

His dad and him also argue A LOT. He always used to tell me he makes stupid rules, he was right.
(I’m turning 20, my bf is 21. He made us come home at 22, after which he proceeded to sleep on the living rooms sofa til 1am. I feel like i’m missing out on a lot here, as middle of the day is currently simply too hot to walk around. The days passing and i feel like i barely saw or did anything here, and being in ITALY is a BIG DEAL for me ALRIGHT?)
There’s screaming which i don’t understand half the time they talk to each other. His father grabbing the steering wheel while my bf is driving when they can’t agree on which turn to make. I genuinely don’t feel very safe here.

There’s also some communication issues, I speak some italian but definitely not sufficient amount to have full conversations. I do understand enough to get what is roughly happening around me most of the time. His dad speaks only italian. I can see that he gets very frustrated when he speaks to me but i don’t understand what is he saying. It also frustrates me, as i do speak 3 other languages way better than italian, but he never learned any.

(i know it sounds judgemental but hear me out: his son is just half italian. his ex wife and mother of his son is not italian. i speak the language of his ex wife and his son. he just never bothered to learn even a few words. but i digress)

Now here’s a part that made me make this whole post in the first place: my bf’s father saw me only once in real life before, when he visited. I was freshly recovering from an eating disorder at that time, and i was still considerably skinny. In these 3 years however i gained like 27kg. Antidepressants, birth control, problems with mental health, binge eating… a lot has happened. Now im about 14 kg down but still a long way to go. It’s noticeable, loosing weight takes me longer than other people. But im also trying not to put myself in another eating disorder.

We just finished eating lunch. His father asks me if i want some chicken. i say im very full and no thank you. Then he points at my stomach and says something i half understood, about me not needing it and laughing. the next thing i hear is my bf screaming at him something about me having problems, so i just back back out to his room.
I sat down and it just felt like i dissociated. I swear to god i haven’t had a person call me fat in my face since i finished middle school. i’ll prolly need to call up my old therapist when im back cuz jesus that stung. especially with all the work i put in.

now im just wondering how to get thru the rest of the trip.

anyway, moral of the story is to visit for weekend and book a hotel room. i don’t think ill be coming back to italy again.

xoxo

Chili oil marinated alaskan halibut, homemade spicy rice street corn tomato broth soup with mozzarella and a soft boiled egg.

⚠️ TW for abuse

Recently went long distance with my bf of over a year. He had horrible anger issues and was emotionally/verbally abusive (cursed me out, often said I was a horrible person/the worst person he knows, punches walls, hit my car window, hit the steering wheel when screaming at me when going 80, you get it) but went through a period of genuine (?) change and I ,stupidly, stayed with him. He takes shrooms sometimes, and while I don’t care about it, I hate talking to him when he’s tripping cause he gets kinda mean and really really needy for hoursss. Earlier today he started sending me paragraphs of shroom rants, and when I told him I didn’t want to talk until he sobered up a little (in a very kind way, told him to find other people to reach out to, I love him, he’ll be okay, etc) he responded with “you’re the worst” “im gonna kms.”
Yeahhh, blocked on everything, that’s so pathetic honestly. Telling you because no one else knows right now. Very relived, he really made me hate myself, but still heartbroken because that’s my best friend and why couldn’t he just be better :(

My bestie has been "trolling" people in our friend group by pretending to like this RANDOM guy. I told her to stop it's getting weird and she laughed it off. One day she sent me a video of her barking on her knees for this guy. So I told her to stop actually it's getting to a point. She said she will delete it and I said ok.

Later she frantically called me and told me to check our friend gc with like 30 people cause it branches out to mutuals and other friends. So it turns out when sharing to me she accidentally shared it to the gc when she was trying to unselect them. Everyone is saying she's a desperate pig and shared it to something else I think.

Now she's crying and we're going to go to her house and eat ice cream while she rants about it... Also half of our friends stopped talking to her out of embarrassment so yeah.

TO BE CLEAR SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HIM 😭 NEVER INTERACTED JUST RANDOMLY FOUND HIM AND STARTED MAKING A JOKE UNTIL THIS. ( 17 )

Update post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/comments/1uyo82c/update_video_got_out_of_bsf_barking_on_her_knees/