I don’t know how to come back from this

[u/never_in_neverland_2]

TW: cancer

Last October I was working two jobs and actually putting money away for the first time. I was halfway through a semester of three beginner college courses because I’d planned to go to grad school to change careers and then make a livable wage. My social life was vibrant and I was starting to try to date again.

And then I walked into an ER expecting to hear bronchitis or pneumonia at worst. Instead the doctor tells me I not only have leukemia but have large blood clots in my lungs and at least one clot in my heart. Cue a month long stay in a hospital. Lucky or unlucky (I can’t ever decide), I don’t remember the first 3 weeks because I was so high on oxy.

Woke up one day wearing PJs I never would’ve bought myself, with tubes sticking out of my chest, and no idea where I was or how long I’d been there. Had no time to process at all and my family (while well meaning) wouldn’t let me lose it or cry longer than a few minutes.

I had to drop my courses even though I’d been doing well. I had a few hundred emails from work and 70+ texts. I still feel terrible that I told one of my closest and long distance friends that I had cancer and then didn’t reply for 3 weeks.

I was finally released and I’ve been going through months of chemo and I went back to work. I’ve been getting disability but apparently they don’t owe you anything if you work 80% or more of your normal hours. Currently waiting on a check I’m not sure I’m going to get.

My dating life I guess is fine if dull. I haven’t felt pretty since i lost my hair. It’s starting to grow back and now it’s in an ungovernable state and I look like a mess constantly.

I’m so horrendously poor and I have to ask my family for money which is humiliating as a woman in her late twenties. My thoughts of grad school and a career change have been pushed back by a whole year. My job kinda treats me like shit (oh and NONE of my coworkers visited me even though I’ve visited them in the hospital) and I want to leave but the job market sucks and I’m basically a paper pusher right now.

I haven’t taken any time to cope. I feel so betrayed by my own body. I found out I had the BRCA gene years ago and opted to get a bilateral mastectomy in my early twenties. I’d just watched someone I loved waste away and refused to let that happen to me. Every medical decision I’ve made since then was keeping the BRCA in mind and womp womp got cancer anyway

And now I’m staring down the barrel of my final bone marrow test and then waiting to see if it’s gone or if I get the pleasure of more destruction to my body and spirit.

I’m sorry if this is too heavy for here. I feel like I’m bothering everyone in my life about this.

Dessert from a restaurant I recently tried: frozen banana dipped in chocolate and coated in nuts

[u/MajesticBlueUnicorn]

I have many friends who are in their 30s. They mostly live at home, don’t pay rent, they work and somehow still don’t have any money? I don’t think it’s humiliating to ask your family for financial help when you are going through a literal health crisis. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s not a weakness. After everything you’ve been through, any one would need help to get back on their feet.

[u/Narrow-Medium-9339 → u/MajesticBlueUnicorn]

This!!! Family is there to help. It’s okay. And honestly, people who can’t physically be there can alleviate their guilt by sending money, right? (Too real?)

[u/General_Degree_438 → u/MajesticBlueUnicorn]

This, OP please read this ☝️Nothing wrong with asking for support during this time!!

[u/throwaway_macgregor → u/General_Degree_438]

It’s also quite possible that your family would like to help financially, OP. When someone you love is dealt a shit hand, it’s natural to want to help them, and nice when you see something tangible you can do.

Also, I thought the title of your post referred to having made this limp-d banana, and I am sorry that is not the case. 😭 wishing you only good news ahead

[u/Mountain-Series4035]

Sending you an enormous amount of love, stranger ❤️

[u/throwheraway420666]

It’s not too heavy to share here. We can handle it! I’m sending you all the strength and grace that I can. ❤️ Thank you for sharing here. I hope talking about your journey can lighten your spirit.

[u/Muchado_aboutnothing]

Dude. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. For what it’s worth, from an outsider’s perspective, you sound like an incredibly strong and capable person who has been through something no one should have to go through. You should absolutely not be humiliated about asking your family for money; something catastrophic and life altering happened and you are dealing with it the best you can.

Wishing you all the best for your final bone marrow test. Btw, your frozen banana looks absolutely delicious.

[u/stanthecham]

Hi, fellow cancer girlie here. Bug hugs and manifesting clear results 💖

[u/never_in_neverland_2 → u/stanthecham]

Right back at you 🫶🏻

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[u/Rare-Employer9599]

My love🥺first of all I am so sorry.

Please be kind to yourself - you are a FIGHTER and you’ve went through hell and still kicking. I haven’t gone through cancer, but for the body image try talking to yourself and your body as if you would to a friend - that’s shat I do when I get too dissatisfied with my body. You’ve been dealing with this and it seems you are the end. So give yourself the time to heal emotionally as well. 💛💛💛

Edit:

And you’re not behind on anything. People have restarted their life at 50/60 years old. My friends parents moved countries at 50 language and everything - nothing is ever too late

[u/mxevilknight]

Hey, I feel like with my life (not cancer but brain damage), it’s not too much for me. You’re grappling with so much; no wonder it feels overwhelming. Cancer has broken the best.

You are more than this. You are worth infinitely more than this. You are worth time, effort, and even money from your support system. They get the chance to love you and care for you. All they want is for you to continue to exist. Now I can want that too.

[u/Critical_Ad_7380 → u/mxevilknight]

Permanent damage from a TBI when someone rear-ended me at a red light. I also survived cancer, but now I have neuralgia in both feet from the radiation/chemo. I really liked your response to the OP. DM me anytime if you want to vent or to show gratefulness. At 56, my memory is more like a 90yo. I am learning, slowly, how to leave notes and what not for my memory losses. God's blessings to you! ALL ff them!!! ❤️

[u/rasmodiusrex → u/mxevilknight]

“Now I can want that too” 😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️ somehow this was the comment that broke me

[u/qpwoeirutyalskdjfhf]

You have every right to seek support here. It’s okay to feel angry or betrayed by your colleagues. You deserve better than that. I hate that there isn’t a magic wand that can be waved to fix this for you. I used to schedule chemotherapy/immunotherapy and cannot count how many times I’ve had a patient with lung cancer tell me that they’ve never smoked in their life. You have suffered an incredible and uncontrollable trauma. We have so much less control over our lives than we’d like to admit to ourselves. You do get to choose how to respond, how to process, and at what pace. When everything falls apart, you always have yourself. Treat yourself kindly, be your best friend, and never feel ashamed for needing the support of others. Every time your family gives you money, take it as a symbol of their love, not your failure (because you have not failed). Please take care of yourself ❤️❤️

[u/DaisyLady17]

https://giphy.com/gifs/EvYHHSntaIl5m

[u/AudreyLoopyReturns]

All the hugs, internet stranger. That is A LOT. ❤️

[u/Least_Ad9355]

So sorry you are going through this! I don’t have cancer so I can’t compare but I have a stage 3 disease that I was diagnosed with this past year and all my plans for work and an internship have been pushed back for the foreseeable future. I have constant appointments, infusions, and need to have surgeries that will take six months or more to heal and I may not get full mobility back in some limbs. I hate not being able to get on with my life and I’m completely dependent on my parents rn which just makes me feel guilty and lazy.
Seeing your post makes me realize that people have it worse than me so I shouldn’t complain. You got this and try to focus on a day at a time. I get feeling like you are wasting your life away- I feel it everyday- but just try to tell yourself that you are getting through this! You still have your life ahead of you and you will get there. You’re so strong for getting to where you are and where you will be. 💜

[u/never_in_neverland_2 → u/Least_Ad9355]

Oh no please don’t let the “people have it worse so I’m fine” thought win. I fight it constantly. The doctors told me I have “the good cancer” and since then I’ve been unable to allow myself to be upset about it because well others have it worse

To tell you the words I can’t tell myself: trauma doesn’t give a single shit about ranks. A sliced thumb still bleeds

[u/Square_Classroom_744]

I’m so sorry. My DMs are open for you!! If you feel like you’re bothering your family, I won’t be bothered ❤️

[u/nebraska_jones_]

Girl I don’t even know what to fucking say. For now just try to enjoy that banana, it high key looks really good.

[u/Queasy-Football7032]

All the love and hugs, internet stranger. This is the space. Also - your dessert looks amazing. I recommend trying this at home with a little bit of melted peanut butter.

[u/IHaveNoEgrets → u/Queasy-Football7032]

Ooo! Another option: the ice cream-less banana split. Split the banana like usual, then go nuts on all the fun toppings!

This was one of my favorites before I got my banana allergy.

[u/Dry-Extreme-7178]

I had LAMN cancer in 2020. It's a journey and grief only those that have had cancer I think truly understand. I felt lonely at times even though I had wonderful people checking in on me. The ICU was only like a 5 minute blip after a 12 hour surgery but I do remember one nurse combing and braiding my hair. It meant the world to me even though I quickly was gone again. The fear and unknowns with all the changes to my body. Like yourself being off of work way long than expected and having to use all my savings. Feeling punished for being sick by all the medical bills. Blood clots in my lungs a month after my third surgery. My grandma passed away and I got Covid. Just a really shitty time. I think it's okay to say it sucks. The unknowns are very hard. I hope what I wrote doesn't make you feel worse. It's so so much. I encourage to look for a therapist to talk to. I wish you so much light love and courage. Let the tears fall maybe start writing down your thoughts so they have someplace to go. Art therapy could be helpful if finding the words are hard. Sending you mountains of hugs. If you need something DM. I am hear to listen. Wish I could wave a magic wand for you.

[u/never_in_neverland_2 → u/Dry-Extreme-7178]

I have a wonderful, wonderful therapist who apparently Zoom’d me from the hospital when I was a zombie and asleep for most of the sessions. She’s excellent and slowly coaxing me into talking about it more. I really really feel you on the alone thing and understand exactly what you mean when it comes to the kindness of the nurses. And I completely get losing all your savings - did that and my job made me use up all my PTO before they’d switch to themselves paying for me PLUS they won’t give me paid FMLA. One of my close friends is a lawyer who used to be a union lawyer and he’s looking into it for me but until then fuck this job lmao. I’m sorry you’ve been through hell, I’m glad you’re here 🫶🏻

[u/Dry-Extreme-7178 → u/never_in_neverland_2]

I am so glad you have a therapist already that you know and feel comfortable with. The FMLA shit sucks. Navigating all of this while trying to adjust to what happened to you physically and emotionally is a roller coaster. I am glad you have a lawyer to look into it. I don't know if your cancer center offers things like massages etc mine did but it was Covid so no massages. Thank you 6 years NED. I didn't know I'd get this far but grateful I am here. I wish you luck on you upcoming appointment. Try to do some self care as best you can that day. It will be emotionally draining. If you wanted to do an Amazon wish list I am sure people in Reddit would want to help bring you some joy, you deserve it. ❤️ 🫂

[u/ShellyeJo]

Sending you love and good vibes. You sound amazingly strong. You will beat this and you will achieve all of your goals. 🩷

[u/prickly_pear04]

Sending you all the love, hunny, I hope your tests come back with great news

https://giphy.com/gifs/3oEdv4hwWTzBhWvaU0

[u/maefly666]

Diana's Bananas had a nut and chocolate frozen banana and peanut butter chocolate but now I can only find dark chocolate. You should go and find a box because youre a bad ass and deserve all the bananas.

I am really proud of you.

[u/squishybun42]

Day by day and reddit is a safe space. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this in such a short period.

[u/lameinsomeonesworld]

I love you lady ♥️ wishing warm things for you 🌷

[u/CheesaLouisa]

Heavy stuff you’re carrying, friend. Sending you love. 

[u/Violentdahlia]

Sending love or whatever good magic I can to you girl

[u/charmedbyvintage]

My 34 year old daughter lives with me. I love having her here…she COULD go get an overpriced apartment with some roommates, but why? She needs the help financially and I love her being here (I’m crippled from arthritis and she does cooking /cleaning, we are both happy). Ask your parents. If they are like me, they would feel bad if you didn’t have enough money to really take care of yourself and get healthy again. It costs a ton to eat right, but your body needs it.
Good luck. Take the help, get back to health. Good luck!💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

[u/findthatlight]

Oh fuck hun cancer is the worst. You went thru it. Proceed with utmost grace with yourself.

That's priority #1 for me right now and I'm trying hard to be normal. Survivorship is it's whole thing. It's incredibly difficult. 

Do you have cancer friends? Like... Young ones? Having folks who are in your shoes to commiserate with, it might help. Your friends and family while well meaning,if they haven't been thru the C, they will not relate. 

Sending love. (And wtg with your brca stuff. You're very smart.)

[u/never_in_neverland_2 → u/findthatlight]

Thank you for the affirmation for the BRCA preventative action. Sometimes I feel crazy for it, especially now that my worst fear has happened despite that. I don’t have any young cancer friends. The only people I know are my parents’ age. I think there’s a support group through my clinic, or is at least advertised there. It may be worth looking into. I’m glad you’re here and focusing on you. At the end of the day, that’s all we really have. And you’re right, everything else can come back

[u/findthatlight → u/never_in_neverland_2]

Please try the group! It might take a bit to find your people but they are out there. I attend one for mom's who had young kids during active treatment and I find it enormously helpful. I also workout with a survivor my age and we bitch about labs and constant apts and all that while we lift weights. 

In the young adult cancer world (usually 39 and under) there are genuinely cool things happening. Retreats, wilderness stuff. 

Good luck OP. Cancer's not the whole story. 

[u/Former_Budget_9257]

I’m sorry and sending lots of positivity your way. Hopefully it’s good news when you get your results and you can start a new chapter 🫂

[u/Horror_Tea761]

I’m so sorry. I know this is hard. My mom has leukemia and it is one day at a time. Please don’t be afraid to ask your loved ones for what you need.

[u/Sea-Astronomer-6600]

Just wanted to send lots of hugs ❤️

[u/daymir43]

Im so sorry and Im sending prayers and love your way

[u/wannabe-meemaw]

Wishing you so many brighter days, friend. You deserve so much happiness.

[u/PolkaDotDancer]

Hugs, stranger.

I've lost so many people to cancer, including my mother and brother.

None of the stuff you mentioned matters as much as you think.

You matter. Precious you.

Please survive.

[u/coolmommytm]

Hey there, I have kids in their 20s, and all I care about is they’re alive and well. I’m sure your family is thrilled to have the opportunity you support you becaise it means you’re still alive. Allow them to help you. It’s ok. You’ve been through it. Wishing you only good things from here on out.

[u/Embarrassed-Fig5865]

Hi, I hope it helps you to write it out. You’re never too much or too heavy, people care for you, even strangers (me!!!). I hope things look up for you soon, truly. Sending you all the good vibes with your upcoming test and all the hugs it sounds like you’re in need of 🫂♥️ one day, one thing at a time gf🫶🏻

[u/OfSalt14]

Fellow BRCA girlie here, and damn…that is so fucking unlucky. Fingers (and toes) crossed your biopsy is clear. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

[u/Fit_Illustrator9174]

Do not apologize for feeling your feelings. I’m so sorry for what life has dealt you, lady.

Stay strong. Idk why things like this happen. F*ck cancer. It’s got ahold of my best friend’s husband and my aunt right now but they’re both fighting with all they’ve got, just like you!

Keep fighting this awful disease! Hoping for a clean bone marrow test!

[u/HavenHeks]

Oh my gosh, I'm so deeply sorry. What an awful, scary time for you. As pressing as school, job, and money all seem, just focus on your health. Everything else can be restarted or replaced. Please don't feel bad about needing some help from family, they LOVE you. There are thousands of people who need GoFundMe accounts and other assistance when they're going through less than you are! Please, please be kind to yourself while you literally fight for your life. I know it feels like you've lost time, lost ground, lost the future you were planning - but you haven't! Everything will be waiting for you, just focus on your health! Sending you love and all my hope for better days ahead.

[u/midwest_misery]

There’s always money in the banana stand

[u/Aggravating_Pay_1313]

I spent 2022-2025 bedridden with long covid, exacerbated by Vape Lung Injury. For three years I worked 40 hours a week in between inhalers, oxygen, and nebulizer treatments. I worked from home, and my work expected me to show up no matter what my condition was. In fact, they spent the whole time threatening to fire me. After three LONG years, thinking each day was my last, I finally started to feel better. Now I’m dropping weight, living a vibrant, new, social life, and have so much more appreciate for life AND myself. It feels terrible to hear when you’re in it, but you gotta believe in yourself and never give up! No one is promised tomorrow, and while cancer is its own nightmare, people with cancer or not no one is promised tomorrow. When you’re really feeling down, imagine your future self and how much she will appreciate you for never giving up, and the self worth and happiness she will feel knowing she can overcome anything. Best of luck.

[u/Gotta-Be-Me-65]

Big hugs to you Sweetie. We can be your support. I wish you all the best!

[u/Important_Top_2740]

I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound like an amazing person who got dealt a deeply shitty hand. Your strength has pulled you through this far.

Is your oncology team able to connect you with a cancer support group? Reddit can give sympathy but we dont know your local best wig makers or which local deli has the best chicken soup that stays down after chemo. Meeting people who are goung through this too may help a lot. Gilda's club has branches over the US and Canada, if there is not one near you they may be able to offer a referral. Hugs. I wish I could offer more help.

[u/Maddy_laddy]

https://giphy.com/gifs/Yle9Yz9izeVRyiwavn

[u/Aeirth_Belmont]

Nothing wrong with asking for support during this time.

[u/lezemt]

Fellow cancer gene girlie, I don’t have BRCA, I have FAP. I’ve had prophylactic surgery as well and then found out I was sick regardless. It’s an absolute betrayal. I’m sorry girl, I wish you the best and I hope your results are good

[u/Major-Discount2155]

You're facing a lot, you've faced a lot and you sound like you're needing some space to vent about how much ALL of this sucks. 100% valid, and this sub is such a supportive and safe space. It is completely unfair, some of the people in your life stink(coworkers) and having to stick with a job you're not enjoying or paid well to do SUCKS. All so valid! Not wanting to ask for money as an independent grown up woman is also a real thing! I've just been through 2 years of lymphoma diagnosis/chemo/after care with my husband and all of the pissed off unfair bullshit (he's incurable but treatable) we've talked about over the last few years could fill a book. I hope your scan comes back clear. I hope that banana is delicious. I hope you can get a really good sleep tonight and wake up knowing you're going to get through the day. It's a cliche, but as my husband says: the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. Big hugs to you, OP.

[u/Crazy_Leksi]

You got sick, and had no control over it. Stop beating yourself up for being human and needing to rely on loved ones. Your coworkers are definitely trash, so f them. I know not everyone likes being bald, but rock that shit with some cute earrings and a necklace. I had to be bald for a long while with an ugly crooked stitched scar and a lump from the tube that was permanently placed in my brain. I started trying to edge up where the scar was to make it look cool. I still usually shave my head bald a few times a year and then let it grow to be extremely short for a few months. Please be kind to yourself. You can still feel pretty and sexy while bald, it's all about trying to fall back in love with the new you. Sending you lots of love. And F cancer, you got this!

[u/LittleRazzleDazzle4U]

Sending you so much love. You’re so strong and so incredible. So many others would have completely folded and look at you… a freaking super hero 🫶

Give yourself some grace. What you’re going through is beyond words taxing and would make anyone crumble; emotionally, physically, financially.

It’s okay to lean on a support system. Best of luck and alll the things with the upcoming bone marrow biopsy. Wishing all the love and energy for your health.

[u/Valuable-Character-9]

Sending you much love and support, please don't be afraid to lean on the people that care about you. You WILL get through this. ❤️

[u/Shot_Peace_4047]

So so sorry, stranger. Big hug to you. ❤️

[u/merelymeg]

Sending soo much love.

My twin brother had cancer at age 24, lymphoma, and it took time for him to bounce back. It’s been 5 years, and he biked 300+ miles in a month for cancer research, got promoted in his job, and is doing great.

You will bounce back. The good news is you don’t have to do it all at once. One brick at a time.

Honestly, I’m so impressed at your resilience. The card you’ve been dealt is shitty, but you still have a lot of good things going for you. You have tenacity, and while it might seem so hard to see the forest for the trees right now, you will get there, even if the route is different or longer than you thought.

Don’t feel ashamed about asking for help, especially if your family is willing to provide financial support. You need and deserve a village right now.

Now that I’m 29, I think the whole timeline I had for myself, and for most people, is bullshit. You will live a fantastic life, even if it isn’t the timeline you thought it would be.

Finally, feel those feelings. I’m glad you’ve got a therapist who is on your side, and I agree that finding people who have similar diagnoses or a support group would be so helpful.

Anyway, kick cancer’s ass, and keep kicking it. 🩷

[u/No-Wrangler-9001]

Praying for you! 🙏

[u/L99R99]

https://giphy.com/gifs/PyhiwT9P9WmBF2u8rd

[u/TheWorldofScience]

One of my closest friends was living with her parents in her late 20‘s so she could pay off her student loans from law school.

Now she’s a partner in her law firm and a breast cancer survivor and a mom.

Keep doing whatever it takes to build the life you want.

[u/SufficientReader4964]

I am sending a ton of love

[u/King_Six_of_Things]

🫂

[u/DarkNFullOfSpoilers]

There's always money in the banana stand. You got this.

[u/Middle-Interview-899]

You’ll get there. Be kind to yourself, you’ve been through a marathon battle and you’re coming out the other side. Don’t think about what you’ve lost, but what you still have. I know it’s easy to say words but girl you’re awesome. Think about how much adversity you just told to go f itself and how damn strong you’ve been. It’s ok to just pause for a while when getting yourself slowly back together. I’m super proud of you and sending mum hugs through the ether. ❤️

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[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.

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[u/kland84]

Cancer is a solid excuse to postpone some stuff and ask for help. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s just as you said- your body betrayed you, you didn’t slack. None of this is your fault.

Unfortunately- this is also the time when you learn who is there for you and who is a fair weather friend. Sometimes you will be pleasantly surprised at who can come out of the woodwork as a solid person. Unfortunately, you will be more let down by the lack of caring from a lot of people. Just remember- that says more about them than it does about you.

It’s a shitty club and it sucks.

(I have been around cancer through family and as a healthcare worker.)

[u/needpolarseltzer]

Hey girl, try to be gentle with yourself. I am 42 and currently recovering from a cycling accident at my parents house. It felt humiliating at first because I'm 42 ffs but I literally do need help. If you were my family, I would happily help you financially and any other way I could. If I were your friend, I'd be bringing you food and treats and doing my best to lift your spirits. It's OK to lean on people even when you're usually fiercely independent ❤️ I hope you get good news from your bone marrow test.

[u/Orchid500]

Sending you love and strength! ❤️

[u/ProfessionalBat8843]

Despite all that you are going through, and it’s a lot, I can’t believe how strong and directed you’ve been to fight for yourself and your health, both now and even before this happened! As a fellow cancer sufferer, I’m sending you healing vibes and telling you that you are amazing, and you will come back stronger than ever!

[u/Monkeydad1234]

https://giphy.com/gifs/IVyzM0PN4x7uS7LEaO

[u/Big-Honeydew-961]

I had leukemia in my late 20's. It was the kind where you wouldn't clot unless miracles were real. Opposite problem. If I blew my nose, I would hemorrhage.

This period of your life will suck so much and I know it.

I am sorry. :(

I'm guessing since you were employed, charity care is off the table for your bills?

[u/Ran_dom_1]

Woke up one day wearing PJs I never would’ve bought myself, with tubes sticking out of my chest, and no idea where I was or how long I’d been there.

This incredibly descriptive sentence drew such a clear picture, my reaction was getting chills thinking of you experiencing that. I’m so sorry, OP.

There’s truly no shame in needing support, whether emotional, financial, physical. You had the rug pulled out from under you, & have spent months fighting for your life.

I really hope you get good news from the test. And if you’d like someone to listen to you unload, I would. Best wishes, OP.

[u/GirlDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Rule 3: Be Kind -- Don't Yuck Someone's Yum

➽ DECENCY & RESTRAINT: don't bully, shame, or be mean about anyone's food, habits, or lifestyle. Light teasing is ok, cruelty is not. No dehumanizing, name-calling, ad hominem digs, or insults to intelligence/literacy.

➽ ENGAGE IN GOOD FAITH: seek mutual understanding! Bring questions not assumptions, curiosity not condemnation, benefit of the doubt not accusations, and sincerity & steel-manning, not sarcasm. Disagreements and challenges must have appropriate tact, tone, and timing.

➽ TOUGH LOVE MUST LOVING: critiques must be constructive and free of contempt.