Advice
I really want a cat but my boyfriend doesn’t think I’m responsible enough. What should I do?
I finally convinced him to let me do a trial period with his beautiful baby. And it took a lot of convincing for that to happen as he was so against cats. The cat loves him more than me (of course) and he will play with the cat and the cat to play with him. I vacuum every day, have a nice e litter, and use the oder sprays. I try everything in the book to combat the cat hair ! Even with all the effort that he sees me putting in he still says “Oh we’re gonna give him back at the end of the week, right?” He works long hours and I’m home alone a lot which is why I would want a cute furry friend.
(Edit) - I didn’t really expect this post go off as much as it did! I barely have anyone comment on anything I post lol.
-I have a full time well paying job
-I used to have dogs my whole life, the oldest one lived till 21
-I used natural cat safe cleaning stuff
-Yes I have saving on my own end
- I’m not 21 (so please stop dming me asking if I’m in collage with a 35yrs bum bf)
-Sorry if I phased it weird, English isn’t my first language
- I hate the term “ trial period “ because the organization found him from makes everyone do it to make sure they are a good fit. No I didn’t adopt him.
OP said later in a comment that the BF suggested a dog or a hamster instead as if THOSE are less work - which makes me inclined to agree he just doesn't want the cat and is making excuses for it
Literally the only thing easier to keep than a tarantula is a pet rock. They’re crazy low maintenance, and more interesting than most people expect. My curly hair was a little bulldozer, I loved watching her dig tunnels and change her tank to suit her preferences.
Ah, true. Old worlds are also easy keepers as long as you don’t let them out — but they can be a real bitch on that front. 😅
Also don’t get bit, many of the Old Worlds are both more bitey and a good deal more venomous. None of the known T species can kill a human, but a lot of the OWs can make you wish you were dead for anywhere from hours to days.
Really? I have a mix of both but I don’t really notice much of a difference in difficulty from my personal experience. Everyone has their ups and downs and wonky personalities. Maybe I’m just lucky all my OWs are chill 😅
It varies a lot by species and individual. Most of them are fine, some of them are quite flighty, and a few are very bitey. IME bites are pretty rare unless you’re being a dumbass, but they are FAST and it’s easy to lose some of them if you’re not careful.
OBTs (officially Orange Baboon Tarantula, but unofficially Orange Bitey Things) are famously both flighty and bitey, and Pokies (poecilotheria) aren’t terribly bitey but hot DAMN does it ever hurt if you do get nailed. I’ve seen videos of men attempting to deal with the pain after a Pokie bite and it’s not an experience I’d ever care to have. One guy said he’s been stabbed before and that was less painful.
None of their care requirements are especially challenging, it’s just the teleporting and bite potential that puts them in a higher tier than New Worlds. And I should specify here that I mean most NWs, but certainly not all. By way of example, Theraphosas (Goliath Bird Eaters) are way faster than anything that big has a right to be, and while they’re not venomous you probably don’t want a pair of half inch fangs lodged in you either.
Arboreal species like the Pink Toes don’t usually bite but they can jump several feet and are capable of teleportation as well.
I love them so much. I have and had tons of species as well and T’s are by far the easiest. No vet bills, little environmental control (depending where you’re at), take up barely any space (literally the perfect desk pet), eating once a week or even month. Only downside maybe is not being able to handle them, but that would just add more stress and risk on an already easy pet.
Scorpions are kinda dull IMO. Although to be fair, some tarantulas are pretty dull too. Depends on the species and individual. My G. pulchra is a pretty little thing, but he doesn’t do much except eat crickets and occasionally climb the lid of his terrarium for kicks. 😆
I have a spood!!!! Her name is Prim and she is an aphonopelma seemanni. Whenever our cats are naughty I always tell them about how she’s my favorite because she doesn’t do anything wrong. And we named her Prim because she’s so “prim and proper” .
Oooo I’ve got one those. She’s a sweet one. We had a rocky start when we first met and she spent 6 months in premolt completely webbed off from me and the world. The day she popped out looking fresh, I cried a little, I was happy to see her. I love my T’s (and all my cats too)
Yes, but on the other hand, I've known lots of owners who didn't do that work. Some people just keep them in a small house, barking away, and just let them out to squat in the yard. I've seen happier dogs in the shelter.
Are hamsters a lot of work? I’ve never had one. I did have an aquarium for a few years which was one of the worst decisions I ever made. It was an insane amount of work and very complicated
not when you're a kid, but when you're an adult and if you actually care, they're a lot of work. Small work - cleaning out a hamster cage isn't exactly super hard or complicated.. but it can be tedius, and can smell if you let it get bad.
They're also way more fragile.. they die pretty easily..
the one hamster i had somehow got out of her cage through a hole in the middle of the roof part…no idea how, she just wasn’t there one day. never saw her again 😭
Oh, half the time I didn't even know she was missing before one of my numerous siblings found her and brought her to me. She wasn't very good at hiding, it seems.
i'd rather occasionally have a litter box smell to take care of than a stinky cage that takes less than a day to make my entire apartment smell like a hamster cage
Bare minimum of food, litter, water.
If they’re my cats: food, litter, water, cuddles, attention, more cuddles, closed-door-phobia-howl, more attention, more cuddles…
I have two cats and a dog. This proves he just doesn’t want cats, without a doubt, bc the dog is WAY more work than both cats combined. And I have an extremely chill and low key dog who only needs a short bit of daily exercise, since she’s small.
Also, what kind of cat hating nonsense is he believing to think a hamster would be more enjoyable to own than a cat?!
Actually, my sibling had a hamster before getting a cat and the hamster was ALSO more work than the cat.
We have Dogs, Cats, and some Ferrets, and my daughter has 2 Hamsters. Then I have a room full of snakes and spiders. The Cats are BY FAR, the least work of ANY of the animals.
I have 2 cats and a dog and the dog is 1000x the amount of work compared to the two cats combined. I can literally leave for a week with my cats and as long as someone feeds them and changes their litter box they are fine. I think my dog would last about 12 hours tops before destroying the house. The comment about the bf not liking cats in general seems to have hit the nail on the head
I've never had a dog, only cats, and even I know a dog is a lot more work--and expense--than a cat. Like, I don't have to take my cats for walks twice a day or whatever. I don't have to train them. I don't have to constantly take them to the vet for swallowing non-food items or all sorts of preventives...or grooming, or anal gland expression. Or whatever.
Agree, no fucking way I’d let a boyfriend tell me “sorry honey, you’re not responsible enough,” like who made you my decision-maker? It should ideally be a joint decision if they live together, but agreed that the fact he’s saying this at all is weirdly paternalistic sounding.
Yea, sounds a little weird and a dog is FAR MORE daily chores and keep up from my experience. I can scoop cat boxes once a day and I have multiple cats. I feed twice a day and a treat.
A dog needs to go out multiple times and the first few months its hourly almost. Then accidents almost for sure. He just doesnt want a cat. Honestly, id get a cat and lose the BF.
I’m assuming you don’t live with your boyfriend and you are an adult. If that’s all true, then it’s your choice. I wanted cats, didn’t live with my then boyfriend so I adopted two cats. He didn’t get a say because it wasn’t his home. He’s gone now and I still have the cats. I’m happier with them than I was with him, lol
Met a new guy who loves the cats and we are a happy family of four these days. One of the cats even prefers him to me. Best decision I made was getting my girls
Sometimes loud cats actually mean they’re hard of hearing! Definitely something to keep your eye on with a white cat. Could of course also just be a loud cat for fun 🤣
Do you have an income and a savings account? I say this because unexpected things can happen. Also, what particularly makes him think you’re not responsible enough?
If there's actually substance to his claim that you're not responsible enough, reconsider. It is a commitment and one that lasts for years at that.
I'm not saying not to get a cat, but analyze yourself and your life a bit, and consider if what he's saying is true or not.
I had to pay $180 for an unexpected vet appointment because my cat ate grass, a long straw got stuck in her throat and she was vomiting all over the place. Another time I had to go to the vet several times because I was worried she might have asthma. Also, proper, healthy cat food is expensive (around $100 for a 22 lb bag, at least where I live) and there are regular expenses in getting cat litter.
Then there's whenever you travel anywhere for more than a day, you'll have to make sure you have someone to watch your cat on a daily basis, feed it, empty the litter box, give it attention and make sure everything is okay with it.
If you know you're financially, socially, physically AND mentally able to take care of your cat in all these aspects (and are patient, some cats take a long time to warm up to their human), you'll probably be a good cat parent ❤️
I wish my cat's issues were that cheap.
When she was 2 years old we paid $3k because she ate some fabric (stomach surgery).
And this year (10 years old) we paid about $2k over 4 months because she had (we think) lymphoma, along with extra large enclosed litter boxes in every room because of bowel issues.
Cats can be cheap. Her brother hasn't been to the vet in over 7 years. He needs a lot more attention now, though.
Ooof, all of a sudden I'm feeling lucky about the vet prices in Norway. I'm so sorry to all the people who have to pay up those amounts for vets. I genuinely thought $180 was expensive, but you guys changed my mind for sure.
Finally someone who isn’t just blindly supporting OP. My gf (now wife) has been wanting a cat for almost a 1.5 year now. She already is a dog mom and is financially stable.
Everything is perfect. Except for one thing. She is not home for 8-10 hours a day. So she barely spends time with our dog. She takes care of him when she is home. Since I work from home, I take care of the dog.
So whenever she asks for a cat, I always deny, since she will not be able to take care of the cat and a dog while being away from home. I don’t have a problem taking care of pets. It’s just that I would want her to be a part of the pet’s life as much as me. Taking more responsibility isn’t a right decision.
So OP’s boyfriend not finding her capable to be a cat parent might have a reason behind it and probably came off harsh.
OP if you are confident enough, sit him down and explain how you are capable. Financially, you need to be able to support the pet without dragging your boyfriend in it. Especially during emergencies. Thinking about how stable you are in terms of location as well.
As for the cat and the boyfriend, cats always grow onto you. So he will definitely change him mind once the cat spends time with him.
Did you not notice that OP said her bf works long hours, and she's home alone a lot? If anything, it sounds like OP is the one better positioned to look after a pet.
I believe the figure is that cats sleep between 16-20 hours a day on average. They will be fine when you’re not at home. Dogs will also sleep the majority of the day when their owners are not home. Dogs can also be crate trained. Domestic animals do not require supervision every hour of every day to be well taken care of.
There tends to be a lot more going on behind the curtains than what people let on, on posts like this on Reddit. So I always try to take posts like this with a pinch of salt. Especially when everyone is criticizing the boyfriend. I'm not seeing enough comments asking OP to think twice, so I had to voice my opinion. It's a living creature and taking one in when you're not capable in all aspects can sometimes lead to neglect, regardless how much they love the animal.
Cats do not need to be waited on like a dog. They use a box instead of complaining to be let out or walked every few hours. You are being unfair denying the request based on her being gone. They're fairly self sufficient, sleep most of the time you're gone, even self play.
so you missed the part where the bf made suggestions to get other pets that are MORE work? what you are saying only makes sense if he hadn't done that. check OP's comments in the post. dogs are also WAY more work than cats. You don't sound very knowledgeable here and I hope your wife sees this. Your comparison to defend the OP's bf is its own red flags.
I would never force an innocent animal to live with a person who dislikes them. I have dated people with red flags in this area, who were mean to animals and thought it was funny. But I never moved in with them. Because I love animals & want to live with animals.
Do you have a job? Can you support yourself? Do you know what it’s involved in caring for a cat, proper diet, veterinary care, enrichment? It’s more than cleaning up. Are you financially reliant on this man who treats you like a child and imposes his preferences on you? If you are in a dysfunctional, codependent relationship with lack of boundaries and sanity, do not bring an innocent creature into the mix.
I got a cat off the street and was worried I wasn’t “mature/stable enough” to take care of her. She needed a lot of medicine and the attention this required pissed off my GF at the time.
The relationship last another 4-5 years and the cat and I lasted 18 years!
Best lil being I have ever known!
Keep the cat.
It sounds like you bf doesn’t want to meet you where you are at. So he can choose to stay or go.
I said this partly in jest, but also partly seriously. Your boyfriend seems to be infantilising you, maybe even gaslighting? From what you said and your edit there seems to be no issue with you being capable of keeping a cat. This sounds more like a control thing. Or jealousy even? A relationship with a cat can last 18-20 years. I give this boyfriend 2 tops…
Exactly! I just told my eight year old that she isn’t responsible enough for a pet yet. If my boyfriend talked to me like that I would kick his sorry ass out
That’s what it sounded like to me, too, and it kind of gives me the impression he’s toying with her with his quips. I don’t think it’s really a matter of her being responsible enough, I think he just wants control.
100%. His suggestion to try a dog or hamster PROVES it’s about control and/or getting a pet he would want more. Both of those are more work than a cat! Yes, a hamster is more work, done correctly! And he would be foolish to say he doesn’t know for a fact that dogs are more work and require more responsibility.
I’m going to be perfectly honest and say that you can love someone and consider them not responsible enough for a pet. Caring for a pet is NOT a whim, and it requires commitment and dedication. It’s why a lot of people who get pets on whims, INCLUDING married adults with children, give them back or abandon them if they prove too difficult (like chickens for Easter, puppies not obeying). And bringing that up is part of both caring for someone, and avoiding animal neglect.
(My FIL is one of those people. He wanted a dog, but he’s elderly and doesn’t bother walking the dog. He got a dog! Surprise! Now my husband has to go and care for the dog at FIL’s place, which he leaves and mess, and overfeeds the dog.)
But reading OP’s post, this is NOT the case. She seems to be responsible enough for an animal, and her boyfriend is ABSOLUTELY using that as a means of control.
depends on the situation. A female friend said the same thing to her husband. Her hubbie promised up and down that he would take care of the cat. Eventually, she became the cat's primary carer instead of her husband.
She complained to me that she was afraid of this, so that's why she didn't want him to adopt a cat.
It bothers me how OP worded it. Who the heck tell theirs gf or bf they're not responsible enough? It sounds demeaning. I hope OP isn't with a controlling/nasty bf. If so, please get away from him, OP. It sounds patronizing and something a parent might say to a child.
I don’t know, but she’s old enough to have a full time job, which imo is both old enough to get a cat and way too old to be tolerating this dude’s nonsense
Ikr because who tells a grown ass woman they're not responsible enough? If someone told me that I'd be laughing in their face. However op did mention English isn't their first language so maybe it's that
What does vacuuming and odor sprays (which is probably toxic or severely irritating for the cat) have to do with being a responsible cat owner? What do you do for the cat and what are you planning to do for the cat?
Yeah, I’m seconding this statement - the odor sprays are bad for cats. Other than that, the cat looks happy and has a lot of toys and other things to play with!
I'm thinking the boyfriend doesn't like the smell of the litterbox or is worried about the smell building up. If that is the case, he should just say it.
Cats are pretty low maintenance. Food water. Clean the litter box. Toys so you can play with the cat. Seeing the vet when necessary. And lots of love and cuddles. Oh yes. Keep the cat indoors. I think that’s about it
I'm not taking boyfriend's side here but "this is your life" isn't some buzz word to be thrown around when discussing about taking care of another life. Mishandling can quickly turn to abuse.
Getting a pet has to be a big YES from both people. Your boyfriend doesnt want a pet. You either respect that (yes it totally sucks) or you find someone who also loves cats.
My hubby joked for many years that he married me for my cats because he always wanted some..
But your boyfriend needs to be honest and stop leading you on. Cats are NOT much work at all, food, water, litter, play time and you are done. (odor sprays are not good to use around cats, since you are already cleaning each day then you shouldnt ahve any smells)
Thinks she's not responsible enough for a cat but OP said in another comment that her bf thinks she should get something more low maintenance than a cat... like a hamster or dog (his suggestion per OP). Not that he doesn't want a pet, he let OP have a pet briefly so he could trade it in for one he likes more
I didn't see where she has a job or her own place. Maybe it's the weird 'permission seeking' and saying "he works long hours and I'm home all the time" that threw folks off
This. Why are you asking for permission and not making it a joint decision (if you live together)?
Also cats always love who ignores them... But if he acts this way about you having some company, whew!
How old are y'all??
Never, never, never use any scented sprays around any animals. Bad for breathing and allergies. Just keep the area clean with unscented soap and water.
If you don’t go to work regularly you have tons of time to look after the kitty cat. If you keep a single cat, you should have a few hours a day to spend with them, so they don’t get lonely but that’s not an issue here.
If he doesn’t want a cat, you should talk about the reason why. If such a conversation is not possible, then he doesn’t respect you and maybe you should consider giving your boyfriend back at the end of the week.
The best way to combat cat hair in my experience is daily brushing/deshedding! You will still need to vacuum but brushing will help keep it off furniture and clothing which can be a pain to get hair off.
I agree with some of the other posts that it sounds like he doesn’t want the cat. Him continually saying the thing about giving it back is just mean. If possible, ditch the bf and keep the cat.
Ditch the boyfriend. Don't know how long you've been with him, but he's already trying to control you. I've been there and it can get really ugly.
I also want to add he's also trying to diminish your confidence in yourself. Don't let that happen. If the boyfriend goes, thank that adorable kitty for saving you from the emotional abuse I sense is coming.
Very dismissive of your partner (or is it a parent?) to make statements like that.. 😐
Poor kitty, found a home and is in danger of being sent back because they care more about being controlling than helping you out home this gorgeous cat.
Hate to give points to OP's daddy (not a boyfriend if he talks to you like that, it's a daddy) but if OP isn't mature enough to stand their ground and do what's best for themselves, they might not be ready to care for another living being either. If OP is just gonna do whatever daddy says anyway, and he don't want a cat, then don't bring a cat into your mess.
I was just thinking this, he is probably older and manipulative. Probably tells her what to do all the time. Best not get a cat in this situation, he will end up using the cat against her later on.
Why is he the only one getting to make that decision? Are you a child because he sounds like your dad. Also saying you're not responsible enough for a cat and should get a dog is wild. You not being responsible enough is just an excuse, he doesn't want a cat he wants a dog. Why can't he just say that? I have cats and a dog and the dog is so much more work than the cats.
My friend had a BF like this. He absolutely did it just to piss her off and make her uncomfortable. He thinks this is amusing. He intends to keep her off balance.
I know this so well, my BIL does this and he has been doing it for 53 years. He actually does it to everyone except my sister. I'm excellent at totally ignoring him. I don't acknowledge him and tune him out. They live in a other state, and he never comes to visit even my sister does.
A partner's job is not to become your new parents. This is controlling behavior. Not supportive, not loving-- it's undermining your confidence so he can continue to make your world smaller.
He's jealous of the cat taking your attention away from him.
Ehhhh. It’s a toss up. Not knowing you or your BF, it’s hard to say if this is controlling behavior on his part, or if it’s a legit concern that your going to eventually grow bored of the cat and now it’s suddenly his responsibility.
I know you said you have had dog before, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you will do well with a cat…..
I’d say that it’s really up to you. Just be aware that there is a non zero chance the BF bails if you get a cat
Get rid of his ass lol
I get the impression he just dislikes cats, but is presenting his disapproval under the guise of you being incapable, which is odd and inconsiderate.
He’s being a dictator by acting as if he has the agency to tell you that you can’t own a relatively low maintenance animal that would not even affect him.
I’m gonna go against the grain here - does your boyfriend have concrete reasons? And does he have concerns about sharing the responsibility of a cat?
People act like cats are no work and I hate that attitude. They need vet visits, health monitoring, litter cleaning, feeding, and adequate socialization. If you ever plan on going on a trip, you need to account for all of those needs. For the rest of that cats life. People who act like cats aren’t a commitment are bad cat owners. Also, cats can live a long time. Adopting a cat is a commitment that will endure for a sizable portion of your life.
If you live with your boyfriend and he says he won’t “let you” does that really mean he doesn’t want a cat in the home? Is he afraid you’re not ready for the commitment and that he’ll take on a bunch of tasks he’s not keen on? Because as unpopular as this may sound, he has a right to either of those convictions. Sharing a home means compromises. Choosing whether or not to own a pet is often one of them.
Cats deserve to be in a home where all parties are prepared to take care of them fully.
Can he articulate why he doesn't think you are responsible enough? Can needs to be fed, watered, brushed, and have a clean place to use the restroom. Would be nice if you pet it once in awhile.
Foster! A lot of kittens need foster homes, and you get to get the test run. If you live it, you keep it. If it's too much, they get to find another home.
these posts are always 50-50 for me. because here is the thing, NOBODY knows OP for real. yeah maybe they could be a good owner... or not. maybe the people in their lives know them more than this single post where they can make their arguments heard but it can be unreliable.
and yeah, sometimes it happens that for maybe the first few months you do everything perfectly to take care of the cat. but sometimes some people also realise they don't want to do the work everyday for the rest of the cat's life and that would suck because a cat is a living being and needs to be loved and respected.
OP, if what you are saying about having a dog live till 21 is true, and you took care of that dog YOURSELF, or at least did 75% of the work required to take care of the dog then sure, adopt a cat. especially if taking care of the dog did not require you to be asked to do the work from anyone else and stuff like that
otherwise, i honestly think do not ask the internet or even your boyfriend. introspect your own life, how much time you have in the day, how much money you have saved, how much energy you have after work, do you travel a lot, etc. answer the question yourself
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