On the shitter
Not a quitter but rn it’s pretty stuck
My stomach is hot
My anus is spread
And yet it’s rlly stuck
Fetal Position assumed
Breathing in and out
It’s stuck it’s stuck it’s stuck

When did it start? When did I stop being enough?

I don't know who I am anymore.

Are you still here out of pity? Has our past become nothing but a trap?

You said, you missed the old me, Yeah, I miss her too.

You want me to get over it, Thinking I can easily forget.

You looking at me as if I were trash, Saying your mask slipped just a little bit.

If you feel you have to hide yourself, Why are you still here?

You are no longer attracted to me, Your words not mine.

But, followed up with I still love you, That lie as old as time.

Here is where I lost myself, Confused on what to do.

Making myself feel as if you're staying, Because being with me is easy for you.

Where does that leave me?

I feel like everything that happens now will be staged, The happy smiles, the outward appearance, your hand when it rests on my waist.

I feel like a circus performer, Walking the tight rope without a net.

Saying you want me back, When in reality I never left.

There are other ways to love someone, None of them are what I want.

Is it wrong for a wife to want her husband? I feel as if I am being punished for something I don't know I did.

I look around and wonder what changed, Though, these walls don't have the answers.

I want us to be happy, I truly do, Even if that happiness comes from me emotionally letting go of you.

Because I want to be myself, In every universe.

I am to mischievous, To let this die.

I am not one, To be easily silenced.

Many has failed at their attempt, When they tried.

You think I live too loud, It's just to drown the voices out.

You think my hearts too pure, You want to make it look like yours.

I have crawled out, From the darkest underbellies.

You wish for it to end, While my fangs and claws crave more.

You want a marionette, Someone whom you can control.

I want to be who I am, Because you're too scared to be this bold.

A walking mess, Unmedicated for her safety.

Lost & unblessed, Loving only the shadows that have shaped her.

Like the nails in your coffin, I will forever be the outsider.

I danced to your tune once, Found it to be somewhat lacking.

Taught myself how to write a new song, The tempo broke me free from your tracking heart.

Stalker lurking in the dark, Waiting to take back a soul that was never theirs.

I let you catch me once, You left me shattered on the stairs.

There was a young man from Bombay,

Who liked to go down to the quay.

He watched sheepdog trials

To relieve his piles,

Which were soothed by the two words, "come-by!"

Burning through the sky,

you see me and all.

Some Lincoln Logs,

a colorful car,

the bathroom.

Evils,

things like temptations.

How do they look through your eyes?

In Panama,

firefighters abusing power,

boiled peanut stands in the South.

On a different plane,

I wonder,

or simply invisible.

We'll see.

Passion fruit juice,

new memories,

gotta switch it up.

Fall into a sieve;

we can get it out,

flaws,

impurities,

anything we don't want to be.

Rainbow warrior,

the crowd,

repetition, again and again.

But my eyes stand corrected.

There's more to this than that,

I know.

No clocks can wake me,

a kitty named Nollie,

two kids too.

I also know,

my hands shake when you speak to me.

I'm not like that.

Dreamt once, never again,

never,

in an old dirty town.

Yes,

I am terrified,

and that's okay,

because it's supposed to be scary.

Underestimate,

overestimate them creatures,

I have a Mastodon tooth.

Just hold on a little longer.

We are going somewhere.

That trip to the mountains,

many to the mountains,

I don't know.

However,

this ride is kinda boring.

My tiny penis unites,
divides and leaves for others to decide.

Evokes terror in men, giggles in women,
or makes their world just a tad more grim
especially when they’ve already introduced me to their parents.

It’s not what women want.
Doesn't catch a break, even erect in the candlelight.
Doctors are left completely baffled.
Not good enough for the History Channel,
let alone Megalithic Structures.

My little pump sucks in grand impotence,
gaining mere millimeters before the rubber hose snaps loose.
What is an honest man like me to do?
Retreat into a cave?
Contemplate my problem in the twilight, while my family and the cadaver dogs scan the perimeter outside?

What will the missing person poster say?
"Normal height and build.
If you cannot identify the corpse,
just pull his pants down a bit and peer."

He's an ill - fitted and dim - witted

numb nuts

Mind splitted like Dmx and Damiun

Barely stunted like Twice, Academia

But he's never limited unlike us,

The regular peepers

His thoughts flit like uh,

dyslexia

And he's steel erected like

Tryin' to find a measure

Feelin' a little viscious,

pretentious

He's ridiculous like Ferb n' Phineas

linear to bearin' fear with rever-

ence, and still care bout frens

that turn their backs in the end

It's just an appearence,

the realness isn't real,

deep down, he's much more complex

He's like spidey against the phoenix

He can flip bondings like

bleachin' a reek n'

Make it look eligible, just a normal

ripple on the stream

It's not ripple, but rippable

Soil in front of a reaper

The way he is, it's just a regulator

To fool us into our misdemeanor

Sets the stricture and we fool enough not to picture,

the caricature, seemingly a zebra

An appleasing diction, an appleseed

But its poisioned, the way you deem

it,

the rapture, the way you found it, or maybe not, if they forced you to drown in

it, turn around, he is grinnin' loud

no doubt, he has taken over

and made you vow

every pigeon of the invincible, he got assasin - ated

And yes, I'm talkin 'bout religion

the last jerk, 'fore you go off

is it called

a stroke of genius? haha

Finally Rummikub again, nice.

I have the letters: E R N G I G

What can I make with that? R E N I G G?

No, that's not it, then R E N G I G.

Heh, I used to be better at this. This one! E R N I G G

Aw no, that doesn't look right either, grr I hate getting older: R I N E G G, no— E R G G I N. Aargh! R E G G I N! No, fuck!

Why am I so blocked? One more time: R I G E N G.

Oh man. R E G I N G. No. R I G N E G. Shit!

R I G G E N. Wait, that's close, maybe... N E G G I R. Close...

Oh.. wait.. GINGER! Yes, damn, what took me so long?

My dress is alive!

She talks and moves

And she’s quite the flirt

Men tend to swoon

She giggles at them, and bats her eyes

While I’m completely oblivious inside

Men approach and tell me they’ve heard

The dress that spoke 1000 words

She calls to them

And I have no defense

Thank god my baggy tees are still dense

I just lay in my apartment in Queens

Trying to figure out what it all means

What I’ve said at bars, I don’t really mean it

This world pushes us to the edge don’t you see it

Didn’t grow up rich, but I got more than that

What about some heart and soul

Can we stop being so blind as a bat

So we can help to reach our goal

I don’t have all the answers

But I can tell you this

Amongst all the prancers and dancers

Baby just give me a kiss

Two steps from me, but further than ever.
My heart spills over, when we’re together.

I’m addicted to sleep, ‘cause I visit you in my dreams.
But I cannot sleep, my heart pounds in withdrawal it seems.

Cold sweat, fear and shivers when I leave to cope.
Alone again, pale and completely without hope.

You’re voice is my poison, lose my breath at your depiction.
I’m yearning for you, is this still love or addiction.

"What's a strong house built on a weak foundation?"

What's strong muscles held together by broken tissue?

Do I have any choice?

Can I stop and rest?

The world isn't made for my fragile self.

I'll either sink

or

swim.

It can't be helped.

I'm broken but I don't have any other choice.

I apply the same logic to my mental health.

The earth keeps spinning,

the moon stays orbiting the earth,

the earth keeps orbiting the sun.

The world won't stop so I can catch my breath, so what choice do I have.

I am disabled (physically, and i have severe PTSD). I must keep moving, I must keep swimming, like a shark.

Otherwise

I'll

drown

Hairs on my neck stand tall

Shadows move across the wall

I can hear the voices all and all

Who do they call

ME ME ME

The voices match my heart beat

ME ME ME

I can almost hear stomping

ME ME ME

maybe if I just hide…

But surprise, invisibility is a faux strength

She stares at me hiding as the covers shift softly

It’s haunting

The look on her face, my life is a waste

I don’t even wanna think that way

Or be that way

Or feel that way

But I’m that way

And then it’s over

I sob on the couch

Begging our Father

To just take me out

I can’t hold on longer

And now I’m told it just made me stronger

Got a dead end job at the corporate office 

Putting soup into cans and cans into boxes 

All just to rent out a room. 

Old timers here have been working too long 

Just to find out after 20 years that their pensions gone.

But they still act like they got something to prove.

Boss said, “good news!!!”

“You don’t have to work here no more.”

“This here’s Hector,

He’s going to be escorting you off the factory floor.”

If you’re the sun,
then I’m Ikarus.

I would rather burn chasing you,
than miss you.

If you’re a streetlamp,
then I’m a moth.

I would rather die trying to be close to you,
than live in the dark.

If you’re an anglerfish,
then I’m your prey.

I would rather be eaten by you,
than not meet you.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

Brain dead people

With smiles plastered on their mouths

They look away with ease

Ignoring is happening

Living is feeling

And feeling is when u don’t believe

If I can smile how can she not

If I can pretend then she can rot

Don’t be stupid and play above the game

It’ll all end the same

Brain dead people with smiles plastered on their mouths

Trying to stay sane

Don’t think you’re special

Or worth it

Or important

Bc then you lose the game

Brain dead people

With smiles plastered on their mouths

As they chase the clock

It’s ticking and tocking

While our bodies are rocking

To the pains that forever remain

Brain dead people

With smiles plastered on their mouths

That’s just how you live again

Wild, I've been here before.

Written here before, you erased it,

but it's there, again.

I came back, like I do,

so smother me.

I wonder why,

I must be really really strong.

Make myself small,

these creatures, tisk.

Impossible goals, have you looked,

outside, it's a pipe-dream.

We could all do really well,

together, but no.

Nothing major, nothing new,

are you sure, you haven't looked.

New new, things, exposure,

to new things, can't have an oldhead.

Why go that far, only the rich eat,

me could never ever.

Cut it out, too dumb, too much slang,

focus, like, I am.

Stallions, strum the bass,

not knowing how, creates newness.

Some exposure,

a lot of this and a lot of that.

Just my opinion, my preference,

Just me, here again.

My bed, I love you
To have you all to myself...
Oh, the decadence!

Cant you see?
Don’t you see?

The game is rigged
The odds against you

They keep you in the dark
They keep you in the bubble

Pawns playing their game
Feeding their greed

Forever in loop
Stuck for infinity

The game gets harder
As time stands still

Blight spreads deeper
Vision grows dim

And we still play

I checked my phone last night to see your message.

You told me you missed me and you didn’t think we should meet again. You said it was hard to let go.

I just said okay but asked if I could get my toothbrush back.

You dont know but I saw you look up how a marriage visa works. And you don’t know but I still smell the shirt I wore that night with you.

You think you’re too attached but I think I am too, maybe I like it that way. I maybe might want you, and you maybe might want me too. But I think we’re both scared.

You said to enjoy my first year and then we’ll see.

We agreed to get lunch, and I’m glad. I would have hugged you tighter if I knew it was the last time I would see you. I’m glad I get to hug you now. Please don’t disappear.

I still smell like you and I still taste you on my lips

How are you so sweet?

I dislocated my hip last night but don’t worry because that just happens and you didn’t do anything wrong.

I started bleeding in the morning and then we got up and left

I want to hug you more and nestle in your arms

I’m so touch starved I savored every single minute and now I’m crying and I barely know you

I just want to be held like that again

Let me come over, hold me like that again

I don’t want to stay with you forever, but a few more hours would be nice

1 — mother

When my mother

Went

It was sunlight

Going.

The couch was hard and unforgiving

And the Lazy Boy

Cold.

I was a duck

Like all ducks

Stranded

On land

Or under.

2 — falling

I am

Falling

Upward

Into the sky

And it is beautiful

And I cry because I know

I would have never seen this

If I had been

A duck

3 — wednesday

I’m here

I have

Arrived

Everybody else is

Leaving

And I’m alone

In this place

Alone

4 — tumult

There comes a time

There comes

A time

And when it comes

Will you be there?

You.

No you won’t.

You never

Were

5 — day old spinach

I can’t help

But think

That I am underground

Clawing

Burrowing

Tunneling

Away

The dirt under my claws is mana

Mana is my claws

Feral and sharp

Like those of a

Duck

6 — whenever

Oh oh oh

Look at her go

Covered

Head to toe

In slime and grease

Like a duck

Except she is worse

She is

A person

And we do not forgive her

For that

7 — awake

The tower towers

Naturally

Above me

At least seven feet high

Maybe

More

Metal and concrete

Plaster and dust

The size of a duck

8 — apology

I went on

Google

Today. And I

Asked it a question

I had had for a very long time

And now I have

An answer.

I really thought ducks were very different

But they are some kind of

Bird

Apparently.

I have a lot to think about

My personal chorus of crickets are chirping again
in my east window.

Outside it is clear
and the fog window outside
is also clear to me
But I cannot see
beyond the fog window
the mold that grows on the fog.
the mold that hangs-
hangs itself from the fog

Come sun.
Burn this plague away.
The fog that hangs.

The fog is conducting my crickets again. The west window pane was just wiped clean yesterday.
The moon censors itself from the indecency.