Struggling parent and I can’t even vent on Reddit

[u/ihatebindweed]

EDIT TWO: the mods in the other subreddit sent the following message: Hey, your post in another community is causing brigading issues in r/Parenting. This can result in a permanent ban. If you wanted attention so badly - you've got it. What's happening?

The “if you wanted attention so badly” really gets me, jfc. Anyway please don’t go over to them and cause trouble on my behalf. I won’t be interacting over there anymore whether they ban me or not.

EDIT: holy crap this blew up!!! Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond, I so appreciate all of your comments and although I can’t respond to them all, I am reading each one. I do love being a mom and I know parenting is a journey and this is just a rough patch. Thank you GDD community for making me feel seen and much less alone. I’m so grateful 💖

I posted a vent about how I have no village and am really struggling with my high-needs child in [r/parenting](r/parenting). The mods deleted my post and when I sent a message asking for an explanation they said a reason was already provided and muted me. The only “reason” posted is a link to their crisis wiki, which really feels like they’re saying “hey psycho, this is too much for you to share here, go to therapy.” It’s so fucking stupid but I’m literally crying over a Reddit post because I have no help and no one to talk to and… idk man. I feel like something’s wrong with me. Why am I so alone? Why am I so pathetic that I have to turn to strangers on the internet for comfort and even then I’m getting rejected??

Original post here:

I have a fifteen mo daughter who I absolutely adore. She is amazing and I think she’s the coolest kid ever. She is also very clingy, cautious, and does not like spending time away from me or my husband, at all. She’s been this way since day one. I want to read a book? Nope. I need to make dinner? Nope. I need to let the dogs out or throw some laundry in the wash? No and no.

The only tasks I can do while she’s awake are things that I can involve her in. Anything that isn’t safe or possible with her all up in my face has to wait for nap or bedtime, which is not enough time in the day if I want to sleep. (Also she is not a good sleeper. I’m typing this while she naps on me because she skipped her first nap and was screaming for over an hour for her second and I didn’t know what else to do.)

I can count on one hand the number of moments I’ve had to relax by myself since she was born. All of my waking hours are taken up by working, cleaning, cooking, or parenting. And before anyone comes for my husband—he’s juggling freelance work with being a SAHD and is having the same experience, if not more so. This one toddler is stretching us both SO THIN and we have no one else in our lives who can help. We’re also broke so we can’t even get help in the form of like ordering takeout without checking the budget and feeling guilty.

It doesn’t help that I have a cousin with a kid one month younger than mine, and she’s always telling me about what an easy, chill baby he is. He’s slept twelve hours a night since he was 10 weeks old. I’ve never heard him cry. She’s also quite wealthy and has him in full-time daycare, so we’re having different experiences. She told me that she is BORED and wants to have another to “liven things up.”

Ugggh what I would give to be bored. I used to travel and paint and read and cook elaborate meals and now I’m just… a zombie. A zombie with Cheerios in my pocket and a baby drooling all over my dirty t-shirt. I didn’t know it was going to be this hard…. Rant over, I guess. Maybe I’ll get to rest and be myself again when she goes off to college, if I don’t have mental breakdown first.
———

Sad girl dinner is curry varenyky from a local Ukrainian cafe and eaten in the park. I forgot a fork, of course.

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[u/Weary-Square-8640]

Also this feels like such a normal thing to post on a parenting subreddit 💀 Like ..what else are you supposed to post about over there ? Lmaoo

[u/charcharblue → u/Weary-Square-8640]

I’ve noticed they delete a lot of the “baby vent” posts on r/parenting. Maybe r/beyondthebump might be a better fit?

[u/wekkins → u/charcharblue]

r/newparents is also a good one, from what I recall.

[u/OldSpiceSmellsNice → u/wekkins]

If anyone really wants to vent, there’s also r/regretfulparents

Obviously not for OP, but for anyone else feeling that way, it’s there.

[u/stolenbastilla → u/OldSpiceSmellsNice]

This is a favorite sub when the infertility blues become especially… well, blue.

[u/FreedomOfTheMess → u/stolenbastilla]

I’m very sorry to hear that. I feel constant societal and family pressure to have a baby. I’m also turning 33 so I feel the clock ticking. Besides not having the resources to raise a kid, I don’t think I am the motherly type. I’ve never felt the urge to have a baby, I’m JUST now coming to terms with my very Epstein-y childhood, “giving” my body to a baby (if that makes sense) terrifies me. I even think I’m too damaged to raise a kid. I go to r/regretfulparents to convince myself I’m doing the right thing not having one, because some days I need extra reassurance that my life can be just as full and vibrant without a child.

[u/stolenbastilla → u/FreedomOfTheMess]

Heck yes it can! You are doing the most loving thing you can by recognizing you can’t provide for a child the way you believe you should.

And I don’t mean financially. You sound like you have a good idea what it means to be a good parent and that you wouldn’t be able to provide it. That’s such a selfless thing to acknowledge, especially in the face of societal pressure.

[u/Holidayyoo → u/stolenbastilla]

I'm gonna cry at how good and true this is. Needs to be said more. Lots, LOTS more.

https://giphy.com/gifs/ALQnCUBuggPxS

[u/FreedomOfTheMess → u/stolenbastilla]

Thank you, kind stranger. I needed to hear this. Sometimes I think not having kids is the most compassionate thing I can do

[u/lalalinoleum → u/FreedomOfTheMess]

I didn't have a baby till I was 40, it's possible later. You also are extremely valid to not want one. If your family is pressuring you, tell them they should go ahead and have that baby they seem to need. I don't know you, but being concerned about being "too damaged to raise a kid" is not something people who are shitty parents care about. They think they are fantastic. Hugs if you accept them. This random internet person thinks you are valid

either way. Life can be fantastic with or without kids, as long as you don't listen to outside bullshit and do what you want. with your life.

[u/condorsam12 → u/stolenbastilla]

I use it the same way lol

[u/oracleoflove → u/OldSpiceSmellsNice]

That sub is my safe place and moderated really well too.

[u/naachx → u/OldSpiceSmellsNice]

Yep, this is my favorite one!

[u/CampDracula → u/OldSpiceSmellsNice]

I was gonna mention this one.

[u/Pope_Joan_II → u/OldSpiceSmellsNice]

Oh yes, that's the one!

[u/sociallyclouded → u/wekkins]

meh. it's been known to be full of hate too

[u/danicies → u/charcharblue]

There’s a slightly private sub that is great for moms who need to vent if anybody wants it. Not everything is great on there but it’s real, it’s raw, and you can be honest and have a supportive team back you. You can’t link it on public subs like this but I can dm anyone who wants it (please don’t find this shady lol). It got me through some hard times.

Edit: I tried to respond to all comments! Send me a private chat or message if I didn’t get it and I can send it 😊

[u/faesser → u/danicies]

I'm fairly certain which sub you are talking about. It's a supportive sub when you feel at your worst and the mods are fantastic. It is not shady.

[u/danicies → u/faesser]

It’s one of the best subs I’ve ever used. Complete transparency is encouraged, mods are extremely on top of ensuring everyone’s safety. I haven’t used it lately but it got me through some hard mom momenrs

[u/NecessaryAttempt33 → u/danicies]

I’d love the sub link :) thank you

[u/ComfortableFrame9834 → u/danicies]

Can I get it as well? I'm like OP. Drowning mom with no village lol

[u/New-Investigator-614 → u/ComfortableFrame9834]

I just wanted to say you are not alone even when it feels you are. I hope today brings you some form of happiness and sending lots of love and sanity your way💜

[u/Odd-Implement-1283 → u/danicies]

Send it to meeeee please

[u/Friendly-Ad-2030 → u/danicies]

I’d love the link please! Thank you 😊

[u/Kayb88 → u/danicies]

Yes please!

[u/interrobang2020 → u/danicies]

Wish I had known a sub like that existed early on. Things are better now, love my son soooo much, but I still have my days.

Would love the link! Thanks

[u/128cs → u/danicies]

Please could you DM me as well. Struggling mentally as a mom rn.

[u/ufo-fomo → u/danicies]

Would you mind sending it to me, please? Thank you 😌 signed, a mom without a village

[u/isitrealholoooo → u/danicies]

If its the one I am thinking of it's amazing.

[u/cornme → u/charcharblue]

r/toddler might fit as well. Being a parent is hard as hell it’s gross parenting deletes vents.

[u/killer_tofu101 → u/cornme]

I was going to say you see similar posts and more distraught posts like this on r/toddler. OP there are reddit forums to commiserate.

[u/FriendToPredators → u/charcharblue]

LOL makes me think it’s a psyop to get people to have more kids. Can’t have the negative tough stuff on there..

[u/batmanpjpants → u/charcharblue]

Every other post I’ve seen or participated in on r/parenting gets deleted. I’m about to unsubscribe. It’s truly not helpful.

[u/wickedhollow → u/[deleted]]

They’re gonna ban you for posting this comment, be careful

[u/WittyGold6940 → u/charcharblue]

That's so ridiculous. What the fuck is the point of such a sub if you can't be honest.

[u/gringafalsa → u/Weary-Square-8640]

Sunshine and rainbows! Lots of perfect parents over there.

[u/Weary-Square-8640 → u/gringafalsa]

Couldn’t be me ! (I’m not even a parent Lol)

[u/igotnothing1455 → u/gringafalsa]

They’re often dicks there, the mods at least though lots of very judgemental parebts

[u/fretfulpelican → u/Weary-Square-8640]

This seems like a good place to talk about how much that sub sucks lol.

The mods delete EVERYTHING. I swear 90% of posts there get deleted. I’ll spend time thinking up and typing out advice and inevitability the posts get removed.

But the bigger issue is the sanctimonious, holier-than-thou attitude that most of the commenters have. It feels like instead of giving genuine advice to the OP they’ll try to find any detail to nitpick to feel superior. It’s a bunch of parents who need to kick someone who’s already down so they can pat themselves on the back for being a better, smarter, healthier parent. I myself have never made a post there, but it’s so frustrating to read through the posts expecting discussion and it’s a lot of people just constantly shitting on the OP.

[u/Si0ra → u/fretfulpelican]

Yes, and YES! I first joined 7 years ago and that place never felt friendly. They’d rather talk about screen time and one upping each other than actually helping other parents. I hate OP asked for help and got turned away. I thought as parents we can also be understanding of struggles some of us don’t have, but I guess not.

[u/isitrealholoooo → u/Si0ra]

Yeah I made a joke on another comment who said using a hose counts as a shower and I said using our pool and splash pad extends our shower time. I was being lighthearted and I was joking and everyone came for me acting like I said I never bathe my child. That sub can burn in hell.

[u/6owlsinatrenchcoat → u/isitrealholoooo]

Pool/splash pad totally counts, those people are ridiculous

[u/Organic_Client_5679 → u/isitrealholoooo]

We call those "pool baths" at our house. One time our 6yo boy didn't actually bathe or shower for two weeks because of pool baths. Husband and I kinda just...forgot to bathe him since he was never really "dirty" or smelly, lol.

[u/isitrealholoooo → u/Organic_Client_5679]

See! You are my people. He didn't smell and it was seriously the 3rd and 4th of July so he was in and out of water all day and bedtime was late. Sorry I'd rather have fun with my child on a holiday than give him a bath!

[u/gottafeedthemonkey → u/Si0ra]

They are OBSESSED with screen time over there!! Im convinced the constant posts of “I got rid of our tv, internet, phones, electricity, and I’ve never felt better!!!” is just karma-farming by the same people on dupes. I thought it would be a good place to post parenting struggles, but if you don’t raise your kid according to the top commenters and mods, you will get about 200 responses shaming you for something.

[u/1K_Sunny_Crew → u/gottafeedthemonkey]

what’s funny is the people obsessed with screen time are making those decisions based on pop science books and articles that fear monger parents (Anxious Generation, which is not written by someone who studies adolescent development professionally, I am looking at you!) but there is no causal link between screen time and mental health. If they read research by psychologists who study adolescents and technology, it does go the other way - children who already have worsening mental health turn to screens to find escape and socialization. It’s also easier to blame phones for younger people’s’ anxieties when really it’s a constellation of things, some of which might hit uncomfortably close to home. Same for fears of kids being groomed or bullied online - 99% of the time it’s someone the child already knows in real life who is *also* using SM as an additional way of contacting them, not strangers. But that’s hard to confront so phones get blamed instead.

All the panic over screen time is a way to deflect from harder to solve issues, imo.

[u/Walliford → u/fretfulpelican]

I live in Tennessee and that's how our subbreddit for the state is. They delete everything and block everyone from it. There's a flair on my city's subbreddit for people who have been blocked from the Tennessee one 🤣

[u/danicies → u/Walliford]

Speak of other subs with weird tudes, the curly hair one is wild 😭 I asked for advice on maintaining my toddlers curls and help with pain free detangling and I was met with the curls won’t last and he’d have straight hair soon and I should only use water (which I said is causing him pain). Downvoted like crazy for mentioning asking if I should try watered down detangler. I was baffled, I thought maybe I was being an idiot? but I said it was probably dumb but I didn’t know how to care for his hair and needed help.

[u/whatcatisthis → u/danicies]

As a human being with pin straight hair, even if the curls disappeared tomorrow, the kid would still deserve the dignity of you listening to him about his body and using a detangler to help make it less painful. I use a lightweight detangler from Pantene when I need it as an adult, but we used the L'Oréal Kids ones when I was a child.

[u/danicies → u/whatcatisthis]

That’s what I was thinking! He deserves pain free detangling. He needs it 3x a day because he’s little. Wake up, after nap, after bath. I just wanted help figuring out products because I needed an assist. My mom would brush my dry curls as a kid and it was brutally painful.

[u/soothsayrr → u/danicies]

a leave in conditioner and a little bit of water can do wonders, the trick with curly hair is that you never want to brush it dry and you want to lock in moisture as much as possible since it’s prone to breakage from being dry

[u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme → u/danicies]

Yes, a spray-on/leave-in detangler!

Also, if you don't know already, combing with a wide-tooth comb, and hold the hair at the scalp, while you start untangling from the ends & workibg toward the scalp!🫶

I like the modern version of these--they're from Goody & called the "Comb It Thru"--nowadays they're just one color, but the same shape: https://www.reddit.com/r/HelpMeFind/comments/qocaej/mom_had_this_goodys_comb_for_35_years_and_a/

I have wavy, fine but thick hair, with "irish curls" and cowlicks at my nape that both "spin inward" toward each other.

So i used to get horrible snarls in the underlayers of my hair as a child--especially at the nape & back of my neck--and i cried so much as a kid, because my mom only ever had short hair & didn't know how to care for long hair (dad wanted me to have long hair, but he never did the work🙄).

It took until well into elementary school, before i discovered that hair-combing didn't have to hurt!😆😂🤣

But once i learned the "hold at the roots & work your way up to yoir hand" method, it helped a ton!😉🫶

[u/SnowAvis → u/danicies]

For detangling and softening, I love "milkshake" leave in conditioner. It smells like vanilla cake batter(it does not taste like vanilla cake batter. Pro tip, close your mouth when spraying 😅). Start with a wide tooth comb, brush his hair on top of your hand so its not hanging. Work ends to roots so the tangles dont build up. If its long enough, give him little French braids for when he's sleeping so it doesnt tangle in his sleep too bad.

I do this for myself. I do not have a toddler. Take this advice with a grain of ignorant salt.

[u/PorcupineHollow → u/SnowAvis]

The woman who cuts my hair specializes in curly hair and said OLC is the recipe-oil, leave in conditioner, and then curl product (whatever you prefer).

My 14 month old has my curly hair and I just do the leave in conditioner for him and it works wonders.

[u/postalpinup → u/danicies]

What? I'm in that one too and didn't see your post. Yes, spray on detangler is fine for the kiddo. I used a baby detangler for my kid's hair when they were young. The curls stayed btw.

[u/danicies → u/postalpinup]

I deleted it because I felt so embarrassed! It was pretty badly downvoted, and my like two comments thanking people for advice got downvoted. Several said his hair was going to be straight soon, someone answered with saying not to use product and another person said “thank you for responding to OP with more patience and grace than I could muster” 😬 like what did I do wrong? A lot of people on there say their hair was never properly cared for as a kid.. I’m just trying to do better lol

[u/element-woman → u/danicies]

Those comments like the patience and grace one annoy me so much. Like...you don't have to reply. Nobody asked YOU specifically, this isn't a burden hoisted onto your shoulders. It's so sanctimonious and obnoxious. I'm sorry they were so rude!

[u/Puzzleheaded-Cup7781 → u/danicies]

There is a detangler called Kinky Curly Knot Today that I’ve used on all three of my kids. It’s not a spray though. Works really well.

[u/PorcupineHollow → u/danicies]

Only comb/brush curly hair when it’s wet and never when it’s dry. You might already know that! But my mom knew nothing about curly hair and I had to learn it all as I went for myself! Also as someone else said, leave in conditioner works wonders. A bit of oil (like a dime sized amount for an adult with long hair so just a drip rubbed into your hands for a toddler) is also great.

[u/Historical_Bunch_927 → u/danicies]

If combing his hair hurts him, I would mostly comb when you're washing his hair. Put his conditioner in and let it sit for a few minutes, then you brush his hair before rinsing the conditioner out. 

A little leave in conditioner once he's out of the bath can help reduce knots. I also use leave in conditioner and a spray bottle of water for when I have to brush my hair outside of the shower. 

I'm not really familiar with kids conditioners so I can't help with a recommendation there, but the sweet spirit leave in conditioner from Innersence is amazing! It's on the more expensive side but it's very worth it. It is noticeably better than literally every other leave in I've tried. 

[u/EwePhemism → u/danicies]

I have poker straight hair, but one of my kids had curls, so I feel you. I recently bought a Tangle Teezer brush, and I love it. They have fine/straight/curly versions and you can find them in drugstores. Might be worth a shot.

[u/Linzabee → u/danicies]

No, I’ve had curly hair all of my life, and I had to leave that sub because it’s bananas.

[u/Responsible_Try90 → u/Walliford]

Omg yes! I also chuckle when I happen to see the TN sub on my feed. It’s never good, and almost always disparaging people who do deserve it, but there is a reason I’m active in Nashville but not the state.

[u/Walliford → u/Responsible_Try90]

Hahaha same here ! Luckily I never get the TN subreddit but I'm pretty active in the Nashville one too lol. I get a lot of news from there tbh.

[u/conspicuousmatchcut → u/Walliford]

Haha so many places have a whole side subreddit for everyone who got blocked from the original one 😆

[u/Weary-Square-8640 → u/fretfulpelican]

Hahaha yesss this a safe space for complaining . Give me the tea 🤣

[u/Nerdy_Gal_062014 → u/fretfulpelican]

A friend once referred to them as “sanctimommies” and now thats all i think of! They are the worst.

[u/Gremlin15 → u/fretfulpelican]

lol yes the favorite is to attack about screen time so they can all congratulate themselves too “my child has never even seen a Kindle”

[u/wipedoutmom → u/Gremlin15]

I genuinely don’t even think the people in that sub like their kids. There was a whole thread the other day about how to PUNISH children for doing silly voices and the ENTIRE comment section was on board. I thought I was taking crazy pills. No screen time. No sugar. No goofing around. I get wanting to raise well adjusted adults, but I think too many people are swinging WAY too far in the opposite direction. Your toddler doesn’t want to sit around and read classic lit with you… they want to play with you.

Also there’s wayyy too much support in there for spankings.

[u/LostMyKeysInTheFade → u/Gremlin15]

Oh my gooddddddddddddDUHHH!!!! I'm SO GLAD you're raising your children in a time when we're all aware of the consequences. So cool for you (sarcastically)!! So good for your kid (genuinely)!!

So many of us (mostly millennials, probably) grew up on screens and thought it'd be the same for our kids, not realizing how much heavy lifting scheduled programming and the lack of instant streaming gratification was doing to keep us "normal" (not to mention there was WAY less slop bc your thing had to be good enough to compete with other stuff on tv and get on it in the first place). And that did do damage to our kids. And any decent parent out there who sees that is trying to undo that damage.

(I made phone calls in between starting and finishing this comment, so I've lost the juice, but AGH--)

[u/darthfruitbasket → u/LostMyKeysInTheFade]

When my sister moved back from out of province with her kids, I got my first real exposure to kids' TV in years. Jfc, I thought Rolly Polly Ollie and Caillou were annoying enough when I babysat my cousins.... even Teletubbies were less annoying than some of the kids' stuff I've watched recently.

[u/DisastrousBeeHive → u/fretfulpelican]

Oh I'm dealing with that attitude in the toddler subreddit with someone arguing formula is a plan b and should never be a first choice. I don't get it.

[u/KeimeiWins → u/fretfulpelican]

Love the autism parent subreddit, these are my people. My disillusioned, beat down, real AF people. You want to say you regret having kids and low key want to die? Want to talk about how you did something absolutely insane like feed your kid ice cream as dinner for a year to encourage eating with utensils? All aboard, pretty much only thing that gets you dogpiled is corporal punishment or being obtuse about ASD

[u/Medium-Discipline-49 → u/fretfulpelican]

Can confirm. I once posted there and was berated for my struggle, and my post was removed.

[u/Mandaluv1119 → u/fretfulpelican]

I've noticed that any online outlet dedicated to advice attracts sanctimonious, holier-than-thou, judgmental people who have never done anything wrong, ever.

[u/igotnothing1455 → u/fretfulpelican]

I always felt the same, like fuck most of us are trying to get by why make it worse by being a tool.

[u/QtrLifeCaterpillar → u/fretfulpelican]

I posted there about my toddler crying when I sang a song the other day and got a few snarky comments. I called them out, they got downvoted and deleted their comments 🙂‍↕️ I left that subreddit postpartum because it was just a toxic “perfect parenting” subreddit of people who can do no wrong, clearly!!

[u/awolfintheroses → u/Weary-Square-8640]

The parenting subs/takes on reddit are notoriously awful and out of touch (like... a lot of things on reddit at times I guess 😂).

[u/lemon_laser55 → u/awolfintheroses]

One hundred percent. I’ve given up on all of the general parenting subs for this reason. Working moms was full of moms shitting on other moms for their choices, it was gross. My final one I unsubbed from was Science Based Parenting, which you’d think would be a great place for discussion and advice but it’s just constantly people asking if daycare will ruin their child and other people incorrectly citing studies to tell them that yes, daycare will forever ruin their child and how dare they not quit their job to be a stay at home parent.

The only parenting group I’ve remained in is the private one for my bump group (people who were all due the same month), which is the most lovely, supportive, kind place.

[u/awolfintheroses → u/lemon_laser55]

Yes! Omg they are all so bad.

I'm only in my bump groups and a little parent snark sub that is so much better than all the main ones 😂 makes me feel less crazy lol

[u/OkBackground8809 → u/Weary-Square-8640]

I got a post removed from r/vent once. It was a post where I was venting about my mother-in-law and how stressful it is to live with her, as she was beginning to sundown and do dangerous things. They said it was mean to complain about someone suffering from possible Alzheimer's or dementia🤷🏻‍♀️

So I tried posting in the Asian parents sub, because my mother-in-law is Taiwanese and I'm in Taiwan, so it fits the sub (the sub is for children of Asian parents to talk about their parents, not for parenting advice or anything like that). They deleted it because, although my husband, my live-in mother-in-law, live-in brother-in-law, and my kids are Asian, I'm not Asian (though I grew up in a Mexican American household with many similarities to my husband's Asian household).

Now I just vent in my birth group sub, because it's a safe space where we're all just tired parents who sometimes need to vent into the void.

[u/fiahhawt → u/OkBackground8809]

I've encountered too many mods who just delete shit they personally don't like and when you confront them they go "it went against rule X" when rule X barely applies or doesn't apply at all

It's just power tripping for no reason

[u/res06myi → u/Weary-Square-8640]

Right?! This feels like a post a million parents could relate to. I was prepared to read something truly catastrophic like I can't stop thinking about getting rid of my baby, it takes everything in me not to shake her she when won't stop screaming, I spend every day sobbing wanting to hurt myself, SOMETHING! Nope, just garden variety overwhelmed parent at the end of their rope. But despite how common this experience is, it's still treated with shame. How dare a woman not fawn over her little bundle of joy every second of the day. Woman bad.

[u/PorcupineHollow → u/Weary-Square-8640]

Yeah this doesn’t seem like a crisis post at all. It feels so normal for this age. I have a 14 month old and if I attempt to walk away and do something it’s a complete meltdown. Separation anxiety peaks between now and 18 months so I’m pretty sure this is normal…

[u/leblueballoon → u/Weary-Square-8640]

Come to r/toddlers. We’re all unhinged AF

[u/heyallday1988 → u/Weary-Square-8640]

Like what in the world? I’ve never seen any parent who didn’t have the experience OP described. If that’s a crisis, we’re gonna need more hotlines cuz this is ‘Murica and nobody’s coming to help.

[u/ceanahope → u/Weary-Square-8640]

I don't even have kids and agree. This sounds like a normal parenting vent.

[u/noideawhattouse1]

Oof I feel this as someone who had two kids far far away from a village and both were horrendous sleepers.

First do you have a sling/baby wear thing so you can at least have hands free sometime?

Second is cut down the expectations on yourself honestly whatever helps you get through the day, house doesn’t need to be spotless. Buy paper plates if you need to and can (yes I know the environment but it won’t be forever), I know screen time and babies don’t mix but if 20mins of Miss Rachel saves your sanity then it’s worth it.

Are there any baby groups you can join? Story times at local libraries? Playground meet ups etc? I hated those things but god they do make a difference to just get out and see other adults even just for small talk.

As for your cousin next time she says she’s bored ask her to come round and help. But maybe just take a little communication break.

Lastly, you’re doing great and I promise this season of life does get easier.

[u/twillychicago → u/noideawhattouse1]

My son was a heinous sleeper at that age. Even after he was sleeping through the night reliably he still woke up between 4:30-5:30 every morning.

Yeah this isn’t “good” advice but I had one of those Skip Hop tables where you basically trap them in the center. I would set this up with some Sesame Street playing and I could reliably get maybe 15-20 minutes of time to get something accomplished.

It didn’t feel great but also it did because sometimes I just needed 10 minutes to get myself cleaned up for the day.

[u/theoutsideinternist → u/twillychicago]

Nah my best friend did this too and her baby is special needs, it’s perfectly fine advice. She’s a pediatrician lol.

[u/Coven_gardens → u/theoutsideinternist]

I’d do this when my now nearly 17 year old was going through that stage and he turned out just fine.

There are very few things you can do to permanently damage your kid when you’re doing your best to ensure their safety and showing consistent, unconditional love.

[u/Melonfarmer86 → u/theoutsideinternist]

I have a friend who is a postpartum therapist who did similar with her kid. Mom's mental health matters too!

[u/imnotnotcrying → u/twillychicago]

Those 15-20 minutes to get something done are exactly what “container toys” and preschool shows like Sesame Street are there for!

[u/Fantastic-Coconut-10 → u/twillychicago]

Eh, your kid was safe and occupied. Sometimes you need to do what you need to do.

[u/element-woman → u/twillychicago]

We really gotta take some pressure off moms. Nobody should have to justify 20 minutes of Sesame Street so you can clean. Like what insane expectations are we putting on ourselves and each other if a short episode of an educational TV show has to be apologized for? Not trying to pick on you at all. I just wish we didn't feel obligated to feel guilty for something pretty normal and likely not harmful.

The smartest, most accomplished adults you know were likely watching Sesame Street as kids!

[u/PrimitivePierogi → u/element-woman]

Seriously! While I agree that a ring sling or carrier might be a great tool to use for OP, I don't think the answer for her or the dad is to spend MORE time with the baby. The village works because babies and parents alike need to adapt to a rhythm and flow that includes some space. I'm like, upset at some of the parenting "advice" I read that expects parents to never be in a different room than their baby. Needing personal space isn't a defect in parents, and teaching children they are safe and cared for even if their parent is in the other room doing dishes or something is totally ok. And also, and it'd be fine if mom was in the other room doing ABSOLUELY nothing just to catch her breath.

[u/Jennif3rr → u/element-woman]

I agree with this wholeheartedly and sadly it took me until my second baby to truly realise it. Let’s stop feeling the need to justify sticking our kids in front of a screen for a break!

[u/teethwhichbite → u/twillychicago]

this is great advice - you gotta be able to put them down for a few minutes sometimes and this sounds safe.

[u/Crazy_Leksi → u/twillychicago]

This right here!!! Baby gate and a baby proof room with some TV and toys is always a great help. Also with technology now, get a wyze camera so you have eyes and ears at all times. I have a daughter with down syndrome who is now 14 and still requires constant supervision. Before I got the camera I had to literally sit in the same room with her all day and it drove me NUTS!!! I tell her doctors and regional center case manager about doing this and they all have said there is nothing wrong with this method. Not having a village is so rough, but finding ways to save your own mental health is the ticket.

[u/sorcha1977 → u/twillychicago]

You have to put your own oxygen mask on first.

20 minutes playing independently won't harm your baby. If anything, it will help teach them to BE more independent.

[u/Ca-arnish → u/twillychicago]

Screen time is ok but I want to add that it's also ok to let your baby cry! I think a lot of parents are pulling their hair out because they don't think it's healthy for a baby to cry for a little while (like 10-15 minutes, and I'm not talking like hysterical crying) sometimes babies just need to cry. It's how they communicate but they aren't actually feeling intense distress Everytime they are crying

[u/imnotnotcrying → u/Ca-arnish]

Yes! Sometimes they just get frustrated and have to have a little cry about it. My nephew used to get mad when we’d block off the living room from the kitchen so we could make lunch. He’d have a dramatic cry for a few minutes and then find a toy and be just fine

[u/cnidarian_ninja → u/twillychicago]

We did the same thing while trying to WFH during COVID while quarantined from our Village. Kiddo is thriving now.

OP the potential harm of overdoing screen time (especially stuff like Sesame Street and Ms. Rachel) is SO VASTLY outweighed by the harm of having an overstimulated and under-rested mom. Let Elmo be your village for a couple hours today ☺️

I promise it will get better. You’re doing amazing!

[u/Enough_Gene_7360 → u/noideawhattouse1]

Cut down the expectations on yourself!!!!! You are enough.

[u/personofpaper → u/noideawhattouse1]

I was going to ask about babywearing, too. I got into it because my kids were only 17mos apart and my youngest REFUSED to be separated from me under any circumstances for like two years. We even ended up cosleeping, something I'd previously been adamantly against. It was just so, so, SO much. Being able to wrap her on my back made so many things so much easier.

FWIW, she's 11 now and literally a joy. She transitioned to her own bed with minimal fuss after two years, walked into preschool with hardly a backwards glance, napped daily and independently well into kindergarten, and is now incredibly confident and independent. She's also just a blast to hang out with, even on boring or annoying errands. If you'd told me this is the kid that baby would turn into, I never would've believed you. I was mostly just in survival mode the whole time, so I can't take credit for the transition, but I will never regret just meeting her where she was at and not worrying about how she compared to other babies (including her older sister who was the easiest baby and who is now the hardest tween!)

[u/tri-it-love-it17 → u/personofpaper]

Second here on the cosleeping too! Only way my second would sleep.
First baby was my clingy one. No idea why (maybe my PND?) but I refused to baby wear so created a rod for myself there.
Kids are weird creatures - roll with whatever works and stop putting pressure on yourselves. Tag team the jobs. Meal prep big dishes to last several days so you don’t have to cook so much. These early days pass and it gets easier

[u/Kat_Isidore → u/personofpaper]

I will never regret just meeting her where she was at and not worrying about how she compared to other babies

This. As much as possible. And honestly it's good a practice to get into young when the comparisons are about sleep and not scarier things like grades or elite sports or whatever. Parent the child in front of you.

But yeah, to give OP hope, I had one of those, too. Total velcro, crappy sleeper, etc, who turned into a confident preschooler (She'd never even gotten to see the place or meet the teacher because it was coming out of COVID closures in 2020 and she just bopped right in!) and a joy of a 10 year old. Just yesterday I had to take a minute to appreciate that I was puttering around the kitchen putting some things away and prepping for dinner and she's just...playing piano and reading and and chattering to me (ok...the chattering is still nonstop :)) not underfoot or begging me to come play. Sometimes it's easy to take for granted because I think I might be eternally tired from the toddler years, but it is so much better.

[u/pgkpgkpgk → u/noideawhattouse1]

I was about to ask about a baby sling or papous. I’m not a parent and I’m terrified of saying the wrong thing here, but I wonder if strapping your baby on yourself would soothe her separation anxiety, and free you to do other stuff

[u/chocolatemilkncoffee → u/pgkpgkpgk]

It absolutely would soothe her! My youngest was a preemie and needed constant swaddling to give her that ‘still in the womb’ comfort. I’d wrap her up and then put her in a papoose on my chest. Did so much cleaning and laundry this way, all they up until she could sit in one of those skip hop saucers without sliding through the leg holes.

[u/kec5289 → u/noideawhattouse1]

Seriously ask the cousin to take your kid for a day while hers is in daycare. Your daughter might cry at first but eventually she’ll get distracted and forget you’re gone.

[u/PicklesnickRick → u/noideawhattouse1]

I second the sling/ baby carrier! There are great ones you can have the baby both on your back and facing forwards. I carried my little gremlin around for a long time. By the time she learned to do some things independently life got a bit easier. Hopefully this is a short season OP!

[u/commacamellia → u/noideawhattouse1]

Enthusiastically seconding alllllll of this. My twins are almost 3 now but when they were baby babies, I was usually wearing one of them at any given point. Twin A especially was a stage five clinger from the get go. The moby wrap and my ring sling were life savers. Since your lo is 15 months now, you can wear her on your hip with the ring sling which gives you so much more range of motion.

As for getting stuff done, for the first two years or so, I figured if I got one task done a day, I was doing great. Grab those expectations and just loooower them down. The world will not end if your kitchen is a little dirty or your floors don't get swept promptly.

You might look into Mother's/Parents Days Out on your area. Usually they're run by churches so double check you don't have to be a member. Some towns near me have them monthly at the community center. Having just a couple of hours away will be good for all of you.

[u/CompetitivePraline62 → u/noideawhattouse1]

Yes to the paper plates! Small things like cutting down on dishes is such an easy switch that makes a huge difference to your sanity. When times are stressful, something has to give, and if that's putting away reusable plates and swapping for disposable? So be it.

[u/peg-leg-andy → u/noideawhattouse1]

I agree on the carrier. My oldest was velcro and would only do contact naps. Wearing him was the only way to get anything done. My current toddler, 18m, also gets worn some afternoons because that is the only way to make dinner without him pulling a pot on himself or something. 

Check Facebook marketplace for a back carrier. I like onbuhimo style but even used they are insanely expensive. There are so many carriers available on marketplace. They can absolutely be sanity savers. 

[u/Noni90 → u/noideawhattouse1]

I second libraries! They may be your saving grace with reading times.

If you have a stroller or wagon, take her on walks in your neighborhood or at different parks. Talk about everything you see - the types of trees, leaves, plants, birds, etc. Little ones soak all that up and it helps improve their communication skills and confidence.

These walks and talks will tire her out for a good nap, or a good nights rest.

One things I may add is meet up with your cousin and their kiddo at the park? Enjoy a homemade picnic and let the kids be kids.

[u/CSILalaAnn → u/noideawhattouse1]

All of this is what I was thinking!! My now 15 year old does competitive gymnastics. One if her coaches had a baby, who is now almost a year old. She wears him papoose style on her back so she still works watching and coaching. When she has to spot, another coach or gym employee holds him.

If your cousin is bored, ask if she can come help you for a little bit. Maybe you will find someone else your daughter would be willing to bond with.

Eventually, she will likely grow out of it. My mom's recommendation would probably be take her to a mother's day out location (it's usually cheaper than daycare) and just let her tough it out for a few sessions, ripping the bandaid off, so to speak. I'm in my 50s, so that's how my mom would have done it, not that I'm suggesting that.

[u/casstantinople → u/noideawhattouse1]

Baby-wearing is the way! If I need to get something done that needs both hands, baby goes on my back. He friggin loves it, too. Any time he sees the carrier he goes "ba-pak? ba-pak?" (backpack) because he wants to be in it. And then I get to mop the floors uninterrupted lol

15 months is big enough to back carry no problem!

[u/AudreyLoopyReturns → u/noideawhattouse1]

I strongly second the baby-wearing. My kid was a little more chill but had such intense FOMO. Get a carrier that lets you do a back carry when you need to do chores, it helps A TON. 

My kid was also a big contact napper, and the carrier was a lifesaver. We’d go out for a hike when it was naptime and he’d conk out and we’d have a nice peaceful nature walk.

And for what it’s worth, he’s now diagnosed autistic (low needs) and sleeps like a champ. Still wants to hang out constantly though. 😁 It will get better, mama. ❤️

[u/duffer_dreams → u/noideawhattouse1]

Another vote for baby wearing! My spouse worked 90 hour weeks and my little chunk of love just wouldn’t nap on his own or be put down for more than a few minutes for the first 6 months. I went back to work at a daycare at that point and he came with me, would wrap him up on my back for naps and work with the other kids.

In the toddler years it was great when we needed to get somewhere to just toss him back there and move faster but easy to let him down when he wanted to run around and explore too. It was also a way to soothe him that I’m so glad we had. When he was cranky up to age 3 or 4, I’d offer him a little wrap time and it would often make him so much better.

And this kid, now 18, became so independent and confident, I believe bc he got that closeness and assurance when he needed it. I overheard him close a phone call today with one of his dudes with “love you, bro” and about melted.

OP, so sorry you got poor treatment in that other sub but your experience is so valid and hard. Sending hugs and hopes you find a little relief here and there to get through this tough season <3

[u/LingonberryNormal374]

High needs kids are a different kind of difficult! Noone who hasn't suffered it will understand. My child cried 8+ hours a day for 18 months. My mil would say Oh yes, babies are tough when I would complain. Then we visited them for a week. She actually cried and apologized saying she had no idea and didn't know how I was surviving. My child also refused to be handed off to anyone and would scream bloody murder starting at 3 months if anyone else dared look at her. I don't have a solution for you. I was highly depressed and my marriage suffered as my husband was less than helpful. I will say she started part time daycare at 3 and that helped. She surprised me by thriving there as she had always been glued to me. I still got the "You have to offer them a choice" advice which made me low key angry and had me laughing at the same time. It just shows how people don't understand. At 5, I do believe my child is neurodivergent but doing well and occasionally will busy herself with something that doesn't involve me. Stay strong mama. This is so tough and I just want you to know you aren't alone. And yes, I resent all the people strolling by me with their quiet babies still years later. Lol

[u/KelpieOfTheSouth → u/LingonberryNormal374]

Sounds like a mimic of my second child, which oddly I did the same thing around 3. Though she had some speech delays and was diagnosed borderline for autism. She's 8, almost 9 now and perfectly normal but has some quirks to her. And the marriage thing, girl yes, I dont think people take into consideration how hard it is on the marriage with high needs children. What made it worse for me was I have an older daughter who is 7 years older than our youngest, she was NOTHING like my youngest. Very easy going, well-behaved child.

[u/donkeyvoteadick]

I don't have any helpful tips. I'm basically in the same situation. High needs baby turned high needs toddler, no village to take over for me, but also a single mum so no second parent to tag team with 😅 so I can give solidarity.

I've found Reddit is not a supportive place to try vent about parenthood. It generally makes me feel worse.

[u/kindadeadbutnotrly → u/donkeyvoteadick]

Similar boat and it is haaaardddd 🥲🥲 also no helpful tips, just solidarity 🥲🤍

[u/gravitas_shortfall42 → u/kindadeadbutnotrly]

Oh gosh. These comments are breaking my heart. You are all describing my youngest kiddo. They were diagnosed with High IQ which comes with a lot of anxiety. I think these super smart kids are just highly aware of their surroundings but don’t know how to deal with it. Lots of parents want this for their children but it is no picnic. Anyway, my 18 year old is heading to uni next year for a double degree in education and palaeontology. I wish I could give you all a big hug.

[u/ginger13snap → u/donkeyvoteadick]

I’ve also found that out too. I was a little upset about my boy calling me daddy instead of saying mommy ever and I’m a SAHM so I take care of him the majority of the time. And I got back “at least your child can speak” like bro I just wanted a place to rant ☠️

[u/donkeyvoteadick → u/ginger13snap]

If it makes you feel better my 1.5yr old still calls everyone dada. He literally has no dad in his life 😂 I think it's just easy for them to say.

[u/lirael423 → u/donkeyvoteadick]

It's crazy to me how toxic the parenting community can be, and the ridiculously high standards that get shoved onto parents (especially mothers) of young kids these days. Just one more reason I don't want kids: I would end up murdering people for shoving their judgemental bullshit down my throat.

[u/rootsandchalice]

Hey mom. Many moons ago my life was your life. My son was a very clingy baby who cried incessantly. I brought him to the doc several times begging them to do something as surely this could not be normal.

At first they made me put him on meds for GERD/reflux. Administering the meds was even more difficult at times than the crying.

My son napped every single nap on my body until he was almost a year old. Three times a day. My hips and stomach were in constant pain as he grew. But he just did not do the crib. He would not co-sleep. He only wanted to be held.

There was nothing I could do so at some point I just accepted he needed to be held until he grew out of it. I tried cry it out with him and he would cry so much he would vomit.

And he did…eventually lol. The more he could do (walk, run, talk) the happier he became. The more he slept. At some point I realized that it’s just what he needed. He wanted and needed the contact.

He’s 11 now. The light of my life. The best kid. You will get through this. Take breaks. Meditate. If you feel super on edge and need to talk to someone, make sure you see your doctor. Whatever works. Just know your baby will grow out of it. Everything with babies is a stage.

[u/ihatebindweed → u/rootsandchalice]

Thank you for this kind response, I think we have similar kiddos. She’s so sweet and smart and I love her but the clinging and crying is so so hard. Glad to know you got through it ❤️

[u/rootsandchalice → u/ihatebindweed]

You will absolutely get through this. You are doing great!

[u/Abject-Mail-4235 → u/ihatebindweed]

You’ve got this OP. I promise there are millions of parents going through the same thing- those first few years are ROUGH. We decided very early one child is plenty for us.

It will get a bit harder when they start walking and getting into literally everything. Once they’re 3-4 is just different though, because they’re easily distractible and start to have a bit of an attention span for things besides ‘Mom’.

Just hang in there, I promise it gets a bit easier.

[u/Natural-Artichoke822 → u/rootsandchalice]

I’m sorry to hijack this thread but I have the exact same baby with GERD too. It’s so nice to hear that it got better.

[u/chernobylcheesestick]

I have one baby who is exactly like this and she's finally at an age where I'm able to have hobbies and stuff. Like she can independently play and I can crochet. And she finally doesn't freak out if my mom has to watch her for 2 or 3 hours. Which has enabled me to go back to school. I'm only saying this to tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it's developmentally normal to be clingy. I was also incredibly clingy as a child and I outgrew it by the end of being a toddler, at least to the degree that it was basically suffocating my parents LOL. I'm sorry it seems like everyone around you has an easy baby, but if it makes it any better, usually those kids even out in the opposite direction when they're older. Might be terrible teenagers one day. 😁 A clinger usually won't be.

[u/1ReluctantRedditor → u/chernobylcheesestick]

I will second your last point. My mom always said good babies are nightmare teens and it was true for my cousin and I. He was a fussy baby and an amazing teen. I however...... I was the best baby ever and also a top 10% PROBLEM starting at age 11.

I know it doesn't make it better to think about others having life harder, but maybe this will help you get through the hard parts, if you imagine a nice calm coast from here.

[u/KalikaSparks → u/1ReluctantRedditor]

Oh I hope my kid is a great teen then because she’s been nothing but attitude since she was born 😂

[u/nerdyweirdo7 → u/1ReluctantRedditor]

This is true with my two. My chill baby is a good teen but he is much more social than my older kid who was wild as a baby. So there’s more to worry about.

[u/Historical_Bunch_927 → u/1ReluctantRedditor]

I would say I was mostly an easy baby, I was chill to be put down and I could occupy myself with toys or watching beauty and the beast. But I also had health issues, so I had times when I was in a lot of pain and wasn't able to be calmed down. 

I would say I was also mixed as a teen. I had a major attitude problem, but I didn't get into any trouble and mostly kept to myself at home. 

[u/Evening-Matter-5245 → u/1ReluctantRedditor]

My mom said I was a perfect baby, slept constantly right out of the chute, but I was an absolute hellion from 5 on up 💀. We were no contact most of my adult life (she passed from cancer when I was 38).

I didn’t have children, OP, but sending you lots of love ❤️

[u/sexykristinith → u/chernobylcheesestick]

I’m here too. My little girl never gave me a moment’s peace. Always needed me and often wouldn’t even nap on her own, she’d sleep in my arms or on my chest and if I tried to put her in her crib (or bassinet while younger) she’d be instantly up crying again. I was losing sanity day by day as the house fell into chaos and I was unwashed and exhausted 24/7.

She’s 3 now and while she still needs me a lot, she does a lot of independent play where I can get things done and even “helps” with things. Things like doing the dishes are a much slower tasks when she “helps” but it still gets done and she learns a little. She just wants to be a part of things when she can be, but is beginning to understand that there are things I have to do alone. Not always, sometimes it becomes a meltdown of “I NEEEEDDDD YOU MOMMMYYYY” 😮‍💨 but the point is, it gets better as they get older.

Definitely praying you’re right about tough babies being good teens… I put in the time please reward me universe, lol.

[u/QuantumAwaken]

The mods of r/parenting blocked me from the group because I posted asking what the best parenting advice people had ever received was. That mod has a Reddit God-complex lol and way too much time on their hands.

[u/AvocadoHooker → u/QuantumAwaken]

Wow that subreddit sounds awful.

[u/QuantumAwaken → u/AvocadoHooker]

Can’t really say I got anything of value from that sub. Good riddance. Don’t even sweat it OP, remember it’s just another human with a very human life behind that keyboard.

[u/haw35ome → u/AvocadoHooker]

The more I read about r/parenting the more I’m likely to not visit it. A problem shared is a problem cut in half sometimes; yes misery loves company but every once in a while moms & dads just need a space to vent! Some tight ass modding tbh

[u/kcnjo]

Honestly from 14-19 months SUCKED for us. My son sounds a lot like your daughter. I remember going home and crying when people would talk about how happy and easy their babies were. He’s now 3.5 and it’s truly just gotten better from 19 months onward. I remember going to a park with him once and setting him down so he could run around. He was so clingy he instantly started crying and clawing up my body to come back up. I went to the car and we both just cried. I was actually just talking to my husband about what age we found hardest and we both agreed from 1-2 has been the hardest. 2-3 was a fuckin dream to be honest. I know it sucks right now, but I swear it’ll slowly get better. I vividly remember the first time I pooped by myself when he was 19 months old.

[u/9ScoreAnd10Panties → u/kcnjo]

You just reminded me of a random thing I saw when I was a kid. We were in Florida for vacation and was at the beach with my mum. 

I saw a woman walk to a lounger with a cabana over the head part. She had a not quite walking yet baby in her arms. She put the baby on the sand and got on the lounger, baby was shrieking and clawing at the woman. 

Then we saw a hand come out from under the canopy that, like, gently push the shrieking baby by its face to fall back into the sand. My mum and I looked at one another and just about died laughing. 

I think that momma was having a similar moment to what you and OP are describing.

[u/livelaughdoodoo → u/kcnjo]

10000% agree!!! My second from age 1-2 was so hard. Like I cried every day. And it hits you like a ton of bricks because everyone says 2 is the hardest. It was not true for either of my kids. 1-2 is hell. After you make it through that period, you can literally do anything. My now 3 year old is a dream, so reasonable and civilized just high energy and communicative by nature, which came out in the form death metal screaming every day when he was smaller. OP, it will end!!! You will feel reborn with new superpowers one day! And you are not doing anything wrong. One day these qualities in your child will come out in a delightful way, instead of what feels like elder abuse lol

[u/entcanta333]

A lot of subreddits are ridiculous and the mods love to power trip.

I also had a low sleep needs baby. It's hard. Most people don't understand it. They will suggest all sorts of things that ultimately will not help, because there is nothing wrong with your baby. She just doesn't need as much sleep.

Just know this won't last forever. Her sleep will improve, you will find ways to manage that work for you. For me, reguaging my expectations worked wonders for me. I remember screenshotting the average sleep time for low sleep needs babies, mine was ALWAYS on the lowest end. I'd look at it every day to remind myself that was "normal". She's 6 now, and still doesn't need much sleep. I don't try to force her. She has a later bed time than most kids her age, but she sleeps through the night and is well rested.

Looking back, I feel guilty that I spent so much time obsessing over sleep instead of just enjoying her when she was little. I know this was probably due to sleep deprivation (and a colicky baby that ended up being a sensory sensitivity) those were also not my fault. At least I have photos. In those, she was way happier than my brain chose to remember.

Also want to add..... If your baby is awake for 8 hours more A DAY than the "average" baby.... That's an extra 56 hours of awake time A WEEK that you are spending parenting compared to someone with a "chill baby". It feels like a lot because it is a lot!

[u/Responsible_Try90 → u/entcanta333]

That’s some rude math right there. I’m so sorry. I was a low sleep needs child, and now adult, if my mom was worth talking to I’d apologize. So I’ll apologize to you instead. Thanks for you patience with your kid and reminding yourself that’s only what she needs.

[u/entcanta333 → u/Responsible_Try90]

Yesss thank you, the math there HURTS. My husband and I had a running anecdote about our 9 day work week😂 six years later we can finally laugh about it

[u/Altruistic-Buddy-615]

Sooo… I say this as a mom of a 13 year old only child who fit this profile: she might be neurodivergent and has very different sensory needs than neurotypical children. I felt the EXACT same way as you and my child had a similar profile. He wasn’t diagnosed until he was 7, but my goodness did it validate our exasperation and allow us to get support. It’s not all on you!

[u/mathcheerleader → u/Altruistic-Buddy-615]

My thoughts too. I commented she needs to find sensory activities for her. Heavy blankey, texture toys, vibrating toys, chewy toys. Massage. Brushes. Lights. Lots of outside time, water, shaving cream. Anything to get sensory input. My daughter is like this and she turns 5 tomorrow!

[u/red_raconteur → u/Altruistic-Buddy-615]

This was my oldest as well. She was diagnosed autistic at age 3 and everything clicked into place. She was probably in sensory overwhelm all the time as a baby with no way to fix it or communicate to us what the issue was other than scream bloody murder for 16+ hours a day (I'm not exaggerating). She's 7 now and there are still challenges but it's not as bad as the baby and toddler years.

[u/Lunasolastorm]

If you haven’t been evaluated for postpartum depression by a mental health professional I would encourage you to at least look into it. Having a baby is hard, but it’s especially hard when you feel like you don’t have support. You deserve to be a person still, and it might be worth discussing “off” times with your husband and seeing if there are ways for you guys to fill each others buckets a bit by making specific windows where you aren’t to be interrupted unless there’s a life or death emergency.

[u/dellwood2 → u/Lunasolastorm]

That’s a nice sentiment but none of this reads like a disproportionate reaction to what she’s going through. It seems like every time a mother dares to express how grueling her life is with a new baby, people are so eager to jump in and suggest PPD. It’s kind of dismissive. You don’t need to have PPD in order to be exhausted, overwhelmed, and demoralized by how demanding a baby is. This is unfortunately a very normal and typical reaction to having a demanding, needy baby.

[u/Not_Undisciplined → u/dellwood2]

Hear hear.

PPD is real.  And very treatable.  And something everyone should talk about with their Dr as a possibility.

BUT.

Sometimes folks are just tired and need a hand.  The dad of my kid never did an overnight wakeup in the first year of the kids life.  When I told him I needed help because the sleep deprivation was too much and we needed to balance the load together he said that I just needed to get checked for post partum depression.

Well as it turns out I didn't have PPD but I did have a case of "Dad needs to get off his ass and fucking do his fair share." After he started doing his part guess what?  My cranky demeanor went away all the sudden the PPD my husband thought I had just poof went away.

Fucker used PPD as an excuse to not show up.  It absolutely was dismissive of my (very reasonable) requests for help.

[u/boringbasic222 → u/Not_Undisciplined]

Ugh. Sames. PPD/PPA is real but I do think that sometimes it’s justifiable feelings that come from an unequal distribution of labor. I have been shutting down the narrative that I had PPD for the past year. No, I was just tired from being the primary parent, the breadwinner, the cook, the cleaner, the pet parent while watching two grown men ,my husband and my dad (who was supposed to be my nanny), sit around watching YouTube all day and not change any diapers. 🔥🔥🔥🔥I’m one and done but if I had another baby, I would just run away and do it all by myself because it’s got to be easier.

[u/theMangoJayne → u/dellwood2]

Personally, I feel like it's not a disproportionate reaction at all, but that it's not a bad suggestion to look into postpartum assistance just in case there is help for her there.

[u/Briezerr → u/Lunasolastorm]

Seconding this! Post partum burnout really effed with my head, especially since I experienced it very late with my 2nd child! He’s a velcro koala hemorrhoid baby- he’s my shadow, which I would normally LOVE, but good golly give me some space! I felt like I didn’t have much of a village with my kids, so the isolation and pressure of “having to be the one who deals with the baby” was also a big weight on my shoulders.
My oldest is 6.5 and I’m still trying to find out who I am outside of just “mommy”. 🫠

[u/saintscoutt]

No advice cause I am child free, just wanna let you know Im really sorry you're feeling this way and I hope you get a break soon :/ 

[u/AuDHDacious]

Um, if she lives close enough, does your cousin want to come over and give you a break? Or have your kid over for playdates?

I had a barnacle baby who is now a Velcro kid, who is currently asleep next to me. When he was a baby, I got less done, but I was much better rested than my fellow mom friends! Nursing put both of us to sleep, and he'd wake up if not touching another human, so I was everything but tired. 😅

[u/Upvotes2805]

I’m sorry to hear that. I initially misread this as 15 years old and I thought wow, have they looked into therapy for her? The more I read and then had to go back and re-read that it was months and not years, it made much more sense lol.

But that is shitty of your cousin. Me and two of my cousins all had babies last year and it’s hard not to compare.

[u/dbtl87]

I'm sorry that's so tough. I hope she grows out of this clingy phase. Are there any community programs for kids that you can take her to?

[u/ilikecatsandflowers]

i am so sorry! it gets better, i promise! my niece was a velcro baby and thank god we lived with them her first year bc that meant there were four adults in the house that she felt safe with. you couldnt even sit her on the ground next to you, she had to be in your lap or she’d cry. she’d smash her head into the ground if she were on the ground being ignored. weaning her from breastfeeding was a nightmare.

she is now the sweetest, most generous and caring four year old i have ever met in my life. which shocks me because i thought of her as a “firecracker” as a baby with huge feelings. she still has big feelings but she listens well to you teaching her to regulate them.

i don’t know if you want any advice or not, but if you don’t just ignore the last of my post: try baby wearing so you can actually get things done around the house. if she fights it don’t give up! velcro babies are super resistant to change lol. i would also work on independent sleep and independent play as soon as you can. that would also be a mountain to climb but will help your sanity.

[u/gypsyspartycitywig]

Mom of 4 here! I know this doesn’t help right now, but it gets better!!

I had 3 kids before I turned 22, a 2 year old and newborn twins…I don’t remember much of the first 3 years of that..pretty sure it was blocked out from trauma…but I PROMISE it gets better!!

[u/Necessary_Duck_4874]

I'm so sorry for u, I feel your pain, my first post here was about my mental struggles and it got removed and I was referred to something like that I don't remember what exactly because I didn't even wanna check it out, I was in my lowest and I thought, hey, maybe ranting to strangers can help, well, the strangers didn't want to hear my disgusting suffering, I guess, it made me feel like such a freak and that I shouldn't exist, I still post here but lighter stuff that won't get them deleting the posts, I still love the sub but boy does it still hurt until now.

[u/MasonBeGaming]

Please be kind to yourself first mama. She’s like this solely because of security she feels with you and your husband. Secondly baby wearing. Esp on the back will allow you more freedom to get the big tasks done. My 3F is a stage 5 clinger and has made it hard to adult. I gave up my iPad to get 5 minutes to go to the bathroom. What I can say is this. Baby wearing, scheduling, and baby tv can help a bit but at the end of the day? Baby just feels safest with you guys sometimes at the expense of your sanity.

[u/Different-Idea-8203]

Your not alone and it does get easier! Its was like from 13 -18 months my daughter became a tick. One day I remember my husband coming home from work and I had a meltdown because I wanted to poop without getting pulled off the toilet. Shes 2 now and mom is good at exactly 3 things getting snacks,wiping boogers,and fucking up her and dads good time with her stupid rules. My village is full of untrustworthy idiots so its just me and my husband. Our date night is the same restaurant with the fenced in patio nobody eats at so the toddler can play and we can eat in peace. They won't be this little forever it just feels really overwhelming right now.

[u/that_other_person1]

I’m so sorry this is incredibly difficult. This is a small thing, but do you have a learning stool (counter type stool for a toddler to stand in)? I would try posting on your local mom Facebook group and see if someone would give you one or sell you one for cheap. I’ve seen moms ask for help in this way on my local mom’s Facebook group and there’s usually a few people that will offer items.

This would at least help you be able to cook/do dishes while your daughter is awake. Even just letting her play with water by the sink, even if a bit messy, could be worth it if you really need to get something done. My young kids both love playing with water.

[u/SnooPickles5616]

Oh my, that is tough. And I know because my younger was so dang clingy as a baby and toddler. I was a single parent and broke too, breast fed, and I and my then bestie, whose second kid had been born a few months before mine, would make our own baby food with an old fashioned meat grinder every few days in batches. And I lived with that child on my hip for what seemed like years but was only months. I could put her down and listen to her scream or do dishes or cook one handed.

Baby did grow out of it. Earlier than college, as it happened. She’s middle aged.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, my dear. It seems like forever… but it will end. Much love to you.

[u/waitismyheadonfire]

I feel like this post would have been well received on r/Mommit or r/NewParents. Its weird they muted you :\

[u/Muted_Quantity5786]

I love you for your ability to vent. Venting is so important. And I’m really sorry that other subs didn’t want to hear it. You aren’t describing anything that should be triggering to others.

[u/Vegetable_Stuff1850]

My daughter is now 18, so it's been a while. I'm also a military spouse, so lived away from any potential village, but there really wouldn't have been one due to estranged family dynamics.

From someone who has been there and out the otherside....

You are in the TOUGHEST part of parenting right now. They're needy, while trying out new things, but can't communicate and you're expected to be a mind reader and work out that the pointing and vowel sounds means they want THAT CUP!

It's exhausting.

It does get better though. You're starting to get to the age where she will be able to start to self entertain because the separation anxiety starts to decrease as she learns about object permanency, so she'll know that you'll still be there even if she can't see you. This will start in the next few months.

They're also good at picking up on your stress and responding the same. It's tough as anything.

Do what you can, where you can, to make your life easier. You don't need to have the perfect house, you can all eat the same meal a few days in a row. And where you can, get your daughter to help. She will love throwing things into a washing machine, or flailing around a damp wash cloth while you wipe a bench.

In a few years, you'll look back and the time will have flown. But when you're in the middle of it, it feels like forever!

Also may be worth getting a blood test to check you're not lacking anything that's making it all worse. Growing a human is tough, and it takes about two years for your body to recover.

[u/ihatebindweed → u/Vegetable_Stuff1850]

Thank you, this is a really sweet response and makes me feel seen ❤️❤️❤️

[u/BrightPapaya1349]

Would it be possible for you to join a mom group where you could request that they take your daughter for a few hours in exchange of taking their child for a few hours so everyone can get things done? They could come to your home and you come to theirs so your daughter won't be totally out of her comfort zone.

I imagine it might be impossible but it seems like it'd be worth a try. I'm not a parent but this is what I would try to do : find other struggling parents with roughly the same routines as me, so we can help each other out and build some community.

Best of luck! ☺️

[u/Confident-Feed6261]

Being a Mom(parents)is fucking hard. It’s amazing, I wouldn’t change it, I’d die for my child, she is my world. It’s still hard though. It’s even harder when you don’t have outside support. I’m sorry your post was removed and made you feel that way. A lot of Reddit communities seem to be there for one reason: to be judgmental assholes. My DMs are always open if you need to vent. My daughter is 13 now, and while i am not a parenting “master”(hahaha, no one is) I’m a good listener, and firmly believe all moms need at least one person to hear them.

[u/SECRETLY_A_FRECKLE]

My post on r/parenting got deleted as well. I had asked a question about experiences other parents had with teaching their kids two languages at home and they simply said to post my question elsewhere. I didn’t break any rules, just wasn’t allowed to ask that question I guess.

Anyways, solidarity, I’m a SAHM to two under 3 and I’m thriving (and by thriving I mean I’m strung out and running on fumes).

[u/Rua-Yuki]

Toddlers are so hard. I felt like a zombie too with no end in sight.

When kids don't get exposure to other people this tends to happen. I don't blame you for something that you can't help. (I too had no Village. My kid is now 12 and I still don't.) But I would try to take her to the park or library more and see if she will slowly gain confidence away from you.

Remember, this too shall pass.

[u/whosaysimme]

Join us over at /r/workingmoms. I think /r/parenting sucks. 

[u/shortmumof2]

It will get better, it's really hard when they're so young and need so much, well everything. Your life really doesn't feel like you're own. Then, suddenly they're starting school. And, one day you look up and they're almost a teenager. And before you know it, they're graduating high school.

There's a saying, the days are long but the years are short. Right now you're going through the long, exhausting and sometimes frustrating days. Hopefully she'll get less clingy and you'll be able to do more soon.

[u/xDreamkillerx]

I was in a similar situation, no village and a sister in law who had a baby close to mine. I hated it when that part of my partners family would compare our children. Have you tried using a sling or baby carrier? I use to live in them with my child in order to get things done. Back carry them and put an audio book is how I survived.

[u/AgentFuckSmolder]

I can offer one bit of advice for you that might help get you some peace during the day: your toddler is consolidating naps and trying to switch to one nap! When they start fighting one or skipping it, it’s time. And that one nap will be 2-3 hours at first! You’ve got about 6 months of that, then it’ll be 2-2.5 hours until they’re 3 or so. Then probably 1 hour until she drops the nap entirely. My older son was 5 when we stopped doing “quiet time” in his room for an hour.

Everything with little kids is temporary. This phase will pass. You’ll find yourself again.

Edit: the other thing: GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Go to library story time. Go to the park in the morning before nap time (which will now start at 11:30-1 depending on when you wake up). This stuff is free and will help you interact with other parents and hopefully build a village. It helps so much, I promise.

And sleep train that baby. That will make you all feel like new people. Especially the baby. Full extinction gets a bad rap because of some studies done in
Hungarian orphanages in the 80s with children that had severe attachment issues and psychological damage. It actually ends up being less crying than “gentle” methods. The most mine ended up crying with full extinction was 30 min.

[u/Sudden_Breakfast_374]

no huge advice just sympathy cause my 21 month old also is trying to crawl back into my skin and never sleeps. one thing that’s helped me with cooking is getting her a toddler cooking kit.

[u/thornygardner]

The parenting sub is BRUTAL, and I'm really sorry!

Please remember, this will pass! As with all the childhood phases, this one is just so so so suffocating.

You're doing great. Keep exposing her to new and fun experiences, and Jesus, ignore that cousin. Comparison is the thief of joy, particularly in parenting. You know your kid, you said she's the coolest, she's just a barnacle. That's what we call my sisters two youngest, who are EXACTLY like this. I haven't even held my youngest nephew who is a year, because he SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER if she is in a different part of the room.

[u/j-a-gandhi]

This was my daughter. I ended up doing a lot of baby wearing to get anything done.

One book that helped me was a book about high needs children by Dr William Sears. High needs isn’t special needs - just that they need much more closeness at the beginning and also tend to sleep worse. He is a pediatrician and he didn’t understand a lot of the struggles his patients’ parents were going through until he had a high needs baby (it was #3 or 4 for him I think).

He wrote that high needs babies often turn into very independent, dependable, and helpful older children. This has been absolutely true in my experience. My eldest is sensitive to a lot of things, but that also makes her a quick learner and helps her to spot certain things others kids don’t. The first few years were rough but it did get better by age 3. She’s 7 now and each year is better than the last. We can take her anywhere and she just reads if she gets bored. She makes her own lunch for school, helps with dishes, and packs her own clothes on trips. She’s a good friend and outgoing and kind. And best of all - she sleeps through the night now! So it does get better eventually.

[u/Prior_Hope2874]

Hang on OP this age is demonic. Until they hit 2 they are just insufferable. It gets much better though. Mine is 2,5 still clingy and sleeps with me only but at least now there are so many interesting things for her and I’m just boring mom

[u/bagmami]

Hey girl, my son was like that and by 18 months a switch flipped. We spent time with family during holidays and I think that helped. But believe me, it won't be this way forever. Even if nothing changes at 18 months, don't lose hope. It will eventually.

[u/dragoon811_kp]

My first was Velcro, too. I swear it does get better.

First - set up time with your husband. You’re going to decide what the priorities are and you’re going to divide the time.

Priority - everyone fed.
Divide - prep work. If this means you eat the same thing for a week? That’s fine. One of you takes kiddo and the other preps everything that requires two hands that can’t be done with a kid attached.
Bonus - clears room in the budget from take out. Heck, set up one take out night a week

Priority - clean clothes
Divide - who does what. Kiddo can be present for washing and drying. Fold it in front of the tv with a child’s show on. Something educational if you want or just whatever works.
Note - while you’re doing this, tell her that you have to fold it but you’re right there next to her. I sat on the floor with mine. Just being present and calmly setting her next to me over and over again when i felt like screaming did eventually work — she realized that I wasn’t leaving.

Priority - dishes and cleaning
No joke - get disposable for a while.
Divide - cleaning. Take kiddo around with you. Go on a rotation of rooms so you’re not doing the whole house every day. Same thing as laundry - “I’m right here and you can come with me, but this part is a dangerous chemical so I need you to sit (here) while I clean this real quick and then we can play”

Priority - time to yourselves
THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. Set it up so you each get an hour at least every other day. It’s so hard. You’re going to feel guilty. But you HAVE to breathe.
Note - you can’t budget each other “well YOU went fifteen minutes over”. No. Be a team.

That’s it. That’s the priority. Everything else can wait. Who cares if the home is messy for a bit? No one. Who cares if her socks match? No one.

Notes:
PPA and PPD are a thing. Get yourselves evaluated.

See if mothers helpers are a thing in your area - it’s usually a high school kid who can come for a few hours and help with household tasks for play with kiddo. Yes it costs money but the sanity can be worth it.

Look for playgroups. Go to the park on a semi-schedule and smile and talk to other adults. Even if it’s surface-level pleasantries. Even if it’s about your kids. Go do it.
Go to library events like storytime (sometimes bookstores do these too). Go to the mall and let her wander as you follow. Something.

I hope this helps!!

[u/newkidontheblog20]

My baby was also very demanding! I was not allowed to put him down, ever, or sleep, ever. I resented mums with "easy" babies. The ones who actually potatoed and took naps, and occasionally slept. My baby NEVER had a potato phase. BUT. It gets SO MUCH better, and I'm only 1 year from where you are now! One day you'll remember what refreshed and energised feels like. She'll start playing independently for 5-10 minutes at a time. Hang in there, it gets better...

[u/shyphoenix]

This was also my experience with my kiddo when she was young.

As an infant, she'd sleep 1.5-2 hours and then be up 3-4 just fighting sleep like no ones business. She was 6-8 months old before she'd sleep 3 hours at a time. It was absolutely exhausting. She never grew out of the 3-4 hours at a time for a very long time. Plus, I left her dad when she was just over a year old, soooo it was just me, single momming it.

She wanted no one else but me. Dropping her off at daycare so I could work was an absolutely traumatic nightmare the first year or so (I didn't take her there until she was around 2.5 to 3 years old bc I was still in college). Anyway, she had clear separation anxiety. She did adjust to it, but it took a while and was exhausting.

Fair warning, my kiddo did not sleep through the night alone (6+ hours) until she was 5-6 years old.

I was exhausted for 4.5 years, easy. I was stressed at being her everything constantly, all the time. Having her on me almost constantly, all the time. Needing to be there RIGHT THERE..all the time. I didn't consume an adult show or book or movie in like 5 years because I just didn't have time for a life outside of my kid.

I went to work and that was the ONLY TIME I had away from her being all up in my business all the time

So I get it.

She felt safest right in my lap and wanted me to hug her a lot (in the early years she rarely hugged me back, just wanted me to hug her - I'm certain it was a pressure/sensory thing that helped her calm down).

She would be clearly overwhelmed in crowds or when there were very noisy hand dryers in public bathrooms (she would absolutely scream and cry and throw a bit of we had to use a public bathroom). She was also afraid of automatic flushing toilets.

So, when she was 3-4 years old, I took her to get tested. She has GAD and ASD. And adhd.

Not saying your kiddo has that, just that mine does.

A LOT of her issues have calmed down. She's coping on her own soooooo much better now. At 6 she regularly slept through the night on her own and no longer needed me in the room to fall asleep at all anymore (a box fan or sound machine will help wonders). It hasn't been an issue since.

Now, she's 12 and still wants lots of full pressure hugs, but at least she hugs me back now :) and she likes to spend a lot of time alone, reading or playing videogames and I feel like I have a life outside of her and I have since she was 7-8. She's muuuch more independent.

It can be so so so so hard. It'll pass, I promise. But it's different for each kiddo on when.

[u/bunnymommy77]

Girl, it gets better. I have an autistic son who is very clingy and needy. He turned 6 not too long ago and he still is super needy and clingy, but he understands when I talk to him and he leaves me alone if I need him to. It took 4,5 years to get to that point, but it will come and you will have some time for yourself again! I was raising this child alone and after a traumatic birth experience and absolutely no rest, I developed MS. This is not a fun experience, I get it. I was in a situation like that, too, and what helped was thinking "Today is hard, but it will pass. Tomorrow could be hard, too, but tomorrow will pass, too. There will be a day where it isnt going to be hard anymore" and I was right!! Also: It does get better, but also very different. Maybe look out for ND traits in your child, too? We only got to know about my sons autism because he started behaving very typical neurodivergent, so his kindergarden teachers told us to get him checked.

[u/Fearless-Theory8758]

Dude I was just thinking last night, I wonder how different people's lives are who have babies that sleep...the FIRST NIGHT my daughter was here she kept me up walking her around the hospital room trying to get her to sleep/not cry. Annnd it's been 14 months of that 😎

[u/Medium-Theme-4611]

Not all subreddits are made equal. Many Reddit mods are absolutely miserable and try to use what little power they have to make other people equally so. I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling and I hope you find this subreddit better.

[u/Never_enough_naps]

I have no advice about what to do with you child because I don't have any so I will stay in my lane. I DO know about being broke and just wanted to say if you guys are struggling there is no shame in applying for some help like SNAP and/or WIC and see if your state will help pay for daycare or anything that would give you a little break or help stretch your budget a bit. A lot more people qualify than they realize. Im sure there are better days ahead. I'm sorry the parenting sub mods are B-holes.

[u/accidentaloverdrive]

try r/breakingmom :)

[u/BbwLaceyXoXo]

be kind to yourself, mama. parenting is tough, and can be especially while they are still so little. give yourself some grace & remember you are doing your absolute best with whatever resources you have. some of us just aren’t as lucky as others. don’t forget to take take care of yourself because something as simple as a shower can lighten our mood. best of luck to you amiga. ✌🏽& ❤️

[u/Afraid_Stuff_History]

I got muted from r/regretfulparents for similar reasons. It's insane. Hugs!

[u/Confettireadi]

You may not have to wait until college! My oldest son sounds just like your daughter. My kids are teens and tweens now and are still too into me, BUT I have the house that everyone comes to. It’s still loud. I’m still WAY too needed, but I’m the mom they trust and like. I set boundaries. I’m a sarcastic bitch, but I get to hear who is dating who, blah, blah. It is so hard in the moment. I cried myself to sleep so many times when my husband was traveling for work. We can cheer you on and it sounds like a lifetime away but you will get your time.