Religion ruined my relationship

[u/Unknownreality7]

I’m a Hindu woman who was in a relationship with a Muslim man. Our relationship had gotten a lot serious recently and we started talking about marriage, future, kids and etc. He is definitely more religious than me. I consider myself to be more spiritual than religious. I grew up Hindu and partake in Hindu traditions and etc but my religion doesn’t define me. For him, religion does define him.

We started talking a few weeks ago about marriage and he told me I wasn’t expected to convert, that I should only do that if that was truly what I wanted. We talked about other things such as finances, roles as a husband and wife, careers and etc and we were able to come to a compromise.

One thing where we were not able to compromise on is our kids. I’m okay with our child being Muslim. I still want to teach them about Hinduism, take them to prayers and etc. he said he would be okay with it but he said at the end of the day, they will be Muslim. I’m okay with it honestly. My fear comes from what the aftermath would look like if our child decides they don’t align with Islam. He told me that would be unacceptable in his eyes, that he has certain expectations for our child and if they decide they don’t want to follow Islam, then he doesn’t know if he’d be able to keep a relationship with his child.

Another thing he told me is if we have a daughter, it is expected that she marries a Muslim man, no questions asked. He said if she decides to marry outside of the faith, then he may not even attend the wedding. And, he said this isn’t something he’d be able to support and that it would be a huge disappointment in his eyes. My thing is, if I’m being completely honest, he’s technically not even supposed to marry a Hindu girl. It is permissible for him to be with a woman of an Abrahamic religion (Christianity, Judaism, Muslim), so how is it that he can set certain standards for our child if he himself didn’t meet that standard. He says he’d still love his child but he just wouldn’t be able to support something like this. He doesn’t have the same issue if we had a boy, he said he can marry whoever he wants.

I’m not that type of person at all. I won’t let god or religion get in the way of my relationship with my child, he will. He told me, he loves God the most, everyone else comes second. If I’m being honest, this made me cringe a little. I could never view God that way. I want to teach my child about both religions and for them to make a decision based on what they believe. I don’t ever want to enforce certain beliefs on my child because they are their own person and I don’t want them to resent me.

Besides this whole religion thing, our relationship was so full of love and happiness and so I asked him if he’s willing to throw away our entire relationship for the sake of his religion and he said he is. I’m hurting so fucking bad. I hate that he chose his religion over me and over our potential children.

Dinner: poke bowl

ETA: we broke up ya’ll! I knew in my heart that I could not be with a man who has such strict views on his religion to the point where he’d sever ties with his own kids. Thank you everyone for the comments and support, it was really helpful <3

[u/These-Ad3310]

You said he is more important than religion, he’s saying religion is more important than all of you. If you still want to pursue this relationship, get ready for religion to dictate every aspect of your life.

[u/CuriousFoxxen → u/These-Ad3310]

And he’s telling you that he thinks women should be controlled by clearly saying his son can do whatever but he’d cut a daughter off.

How long before that looks like you being controlled?

[u/cookieoftheshire → u/CuriousFoxxen]

It means op will also be controlled.... Idk 😐 op needs to take off them rose tinted glasses

[u/Massive_Letterhead90 → u/cookieoftheshire]

He's saying what she wants to hear right now (yes, you can remain a Hindu) but once they're married he'll see himself as her master, and what then?

[u/BougieSemicolon → u/Massive_Letterhead90]

That is correct. It’s almost a dealbreaker for her right now, but this is the shiny veneer that he thinks well convince her to marry him. What happens once the marriage certificate is dry? I think we all know the answer to that I’m not saying the man is a whole red flag. I’m saying he’s a red flag for you OP. He might be a fine husband, for someone who is also deeply deeply devoutly Muslim and is willing to be subservient to her husband and probably any male children.

You will almost certainly regret this

[u/cakivalue → u/BougieSemicolon]

I have yet to see this scenario work out well long term.

OP is incredibly lucky because she's met a man who has some integrity to tell her upfront where he stands vs the bait and switch post wedding I've seen other women experience. It's too bad he didn't just not date her in the first place.

She should thank him for his honesty and wish him all the best in his future endeavors.

[u/Throwitaway3436 → u/cakivalue]

I dated a Muslim man, but he was not devout at all, he was more relaxed about his beliefs, his mom didn’t wear a hijab either, that’s how relaxed they were in their beliefs, he taught me a lot about Islam, because I asked a lot of questions, I still feared he’d switch up one day and he’d go fully devout and make me as well, so it was a no for me, and yes men are allowed to date any woman who isn’t Muslim because he can more easily convert her, whereas a woman who is Muslim won’t convert her partner as easily, the double standards are insane to me

[u/balloonchicken → u/Throwitaway3436]

This is the modern hypocritical practice. The real rules of when Muslim men are allowed to marry non-Muslim women (Abrahamic religions) are really strict and the majority of marriages don’t meet the criteria. Question a Muslim man who married a non-Muslim woman and then acts holy. It’s a red flag.

[u/balloonchicken → u/BougieSemicolon]

Beg to differ. He’s a crap husband for a devout Muslim women. We run away from these hypocrites like the plague. The unlucky women are the ones who don’t get to see the man’s true colors before marriage.

[u/stuckinnowhereville → u/Massive_Letterhead90]

Till he locks her down and she can’t get out easily.

[u/justmitzie → u/stuckinnowhereville]

Marry her, have a child, and she's pretty much his to control.

[u/Xylorgos → u/Massive_Letterhead90]

Yep, it's the ol' bait and switch! Big fat red flag.

[u/Jimberly_C → u/Massive_Letterhead90]

At best, he'd probably keep imposing new rules that they "compromise" on in ways that slowly brings her closer and closer to his version of an ideal, Muslim wife, all while using the kids to guilt her into setting a "good example" for them. She can't eat or do something around daughter, because then daughter will want to. She can't yell at son a certain way because women don't do that to Muslim men.

Marriage with this big of a disagreement always ends either in divorce or with one person miserable as they give up everything to keep the other happy.

[u/Throwitaway3436 → u/Massive_Letterhead90]

Reminds me of the movie, not without my daughter, she marries a Muslim man in America, she’s Christian, they have a daughter, they go visit his family in his home country and everything changes, fully controlling, has to wear a hijab, just complete control and abuse, not all Muslim men are like this, but, the ones like OP bf, yes they certainly are, he’s made it clear he is in control and he will not change nor budge, better to leave now while they’re only dating

[u/KevinFedoraline → u/Massive_Letterhead90]

This is a frequent plot line on 90 Day Fiancé

[u/saraiguessidk → u/CuriousFoxxen]

In Islam, the religion is passed down through the man. So a muslim man can marry any religion as his kids will be Muslim according to their rules. A daughter must marry a Muslim man because her childrens' father's religion will be their religion. If that makes sense. I'm not Muslim, I just dated one and that is how it was explained to me

[u/Blade_982 → u/saraiguessidk]

That's not true.

A Muslim man is permitted to marry a woman of the book so a Muslim, Christian or a Jewish woman.

A Muslim woman is only permitted to marry a Muslim man.

But the above has nothing to do with how religion is passed to children. Religion is not passed down through the father. Or the mother.

[u/saraiguessidk → u/Blade_982]

Oh, maybe. It was a table discussion with him and his friends (all born and raised in Pakistan moved to US) and I was the clueless godless American. Idk. This was at the beginning of the internet when we had to go to the library and read books to find information and this was honestly not something I cared enough to fact check at the time. Shortly before that, my cousin had married a Muslim man and he said the same to her. Maybe it's just some... idk... sectors of it? It was this whole "Islam is passed from the father and Judaism is passed through the mother". Happy to be corrected, sorry for spreading bad info!

[u/Blade_982 → u/saraiguessidk]

No need to apologise.

There is no sect of Islam which believes the faith is passed down through the father.

These men were lying in order to feel more important than they are.

[u/SeattlePurikura → u/Blade_982]

Any religion where the rules are different for men and women is BS. It's a patriarchal religion written and designed for the benefit of men.

[u/dazzleunexpired → u/Blade_982]

Interesting. Some forms of Christianity and all of Judaism do pass religion via birth, but for them, it's the mother. Because of Mary. A woman birthed the church. Christianity typically adds in the baptism and/or confirmation as the final identity rather than genetics though

In my Catholic American family, the faith has passed through mothers. Although it is not traditional in the Catholic Americans, it is in my family and in most other Nebraska Catholics I know.

Eta: For example, my oldest Catholic hymnal is 120 years old and belonged to my mother's mother's mother. My second oldest belonged to my grandmother and was gifted to me at her death this year, it was the version gifted to death to her by her mother at her wedding.

[u/AdvertisingPlastic30 → u/CuriousFoxxen]

Clearly he has not dived into this particular subject/scripture/chapter because although it reads as though “he” should have reign over the household it’s supposed to revolve around the woman who is a life giver. But hey, we are all learning!

[u/dm_me_kittens → u/[deleted]]

Yes. I come from a fundamental abrahamic religion and after my now ex husband and I divorced after I left the religion, I told myself I'd never be with an abrahamic man again. My partner is just like me: Antitheist atheist and he is an absolute gem. He treats me better than any abrahamic man has.

[u/Belphie_Stan → u/[deleted]]

Im exmuslim and i gotta have an extra set of clothes on me for when i get back home from school. Its exhausting. I am about to break the news to my parents that im moving out next year. Wish me luck!!

[u/cookieoftheshire → u/Belphie_Stan]

All the best to you. I hope you find the freedom you deserve! 🙏💕

[u/goatbusiness666 → u/[deleted]]

He says he loves God, but the truth is that he loves being at the top of the hierarchy and getting to control others.

[u/Difficult-Focus-4476 → u/These-Ad3310]

Yeah I also think he may expect her to convert down the road…🤔

[u/Diligent-Figure4251 → u/These-Ad3310]

This ^

[u/Footnotegirl1 → u/These-Ad3310]

But not any aspect of his life, because he apparently doesn't think that he is required to follow the rules of his religion.

[u/readyReddit007 → u/These-Ad3310]

https://giphy.com/gifs/3o7qDSOvfaCO9b3MlO

[u/dontfeelsowell → u/These-Ad3310]

I know you’re sad now but you know very well and deep down that you made the right decision.

[u/OldKing7199]

You are fundamentally not compatible. It's better it be over now then after your future children possibly go no contact with you over his stances.

I feel like religion should be about your own boundaries and actions, not dictating what others should be doing with their lives.

[u/cookieoftheshire → u/OldKing7199]

That's his entire stance on religion though. How can he dictate the lives of women around him. Because he can come into a relationship with a hindu woman that's not a problem for him, clearly a deeply sexist man.

[u/OldKing7199 → u/cookieoftheshire]

Yes, unfortunately that's common with religions, as those who are in a privileged position within it tend push it on others without said privilege.

[u/PresentRaspberry6814 → u/cookieoftheshire]

His control of OP might well change completely once she has no agency inside the marriage also, as his control of his daughters life choices seems to be his to control.

[u/DogsNplantz → u/cookieoftheshire]

Right the girl would have to marry Muslim but the boy could do whatever he wanted.

[u/HN-Prime → u/OldKing7199]

It's better it be over now then after your future children possibly go no contact with you over his stances.

I had this but only went NC after he tried to kill me and then tried to threaten me again after I had left home.. 😀

[u/OldKing7199 → u/HN-Prime]

Omg, that sounds so traumatizing. I hope you are doing better now.

[u/Admirable-Ad7152 → u/OldKing7199]

Unfortunately, since religion is inherently about in group vs out group, feeling obligated to convert is always nagging. To them the thought is "why wouldn't I save the person I love from hell or punishment in the afterlife, I should just convert them"

[u/AeturnisTheGreat → u/OldKing7199]

https://giphy.com/gifs/1SfxXOJ0Q2Xni

[u/DroYo]

Saying this as a fellow brown girl, run as fast as you can. He will force you to covert. There’s no way. It’s good that your relationship is ending. I know it’s painful and really hurts but overall the best option is to split. You are not compatible. There are other men out there 💖

[u/Smil3z5 → u/DroYo]

Yep , those men are VERY radical . They will turn the Sons against the mother.

[u/m1drizzystepper → u/Smil3z5]

yep! he’ll get red pilled by the dawah bros and all of a sudden have expectations he never had before or communicated that are very unfair and unrealistic.

[u/Ijustwanttosayit → u/DroYo]

Yeah I was thinking that... he would wait until the engagement or marriage to coax her into converting.

[u/DroYo → u/Ijustwanttosayit]

That is EXACTLY what will happen. They will get married and he will trap her and force her to convert.

[u/hk172528]

This sounds like a fundamental difference in values and likely will not be resolved. You will not change his mind and he will not change his. Personally, he sounds better suited for someone who is also Muslim if he is that rigid in his beliefs.

[u/hk172528 → u/hk172528]

Also, someone who claims they would not have a relationship with their child if they decided to leave their religion is someone who probably should not be a parent. Coming from someone who had the same thing happen with my parents when I left the church.

[u/NegotiableVeracity9 → u/hk172528]

Absolutely yes! Being a parent means loving your children unconditionally.

[u/cookieoftheshire → u/NegotiableVeracity9]

He loved one child unconditionally... He loves boys. It's only girls , you know the ones that already don't have much freedom in religion that he considers must follow the religion.

[u/carex-cultor → u/cookieoftheshire]

Muslimness is “passed” down parent to child the same way Jewishness is per the Torah, except the Quran changed it to be patrilineal instead of matrilineal for…reasons. That’s why his son can marry whoever, bc grandkids would be Muslim. His daughter’s children would only be considered Muslim if the father is Muslim :/

[u/cookieoftheshire → u/carex-cultor]

Why does he care if grandkids are Muslim or not? What if the kid decides to be child-free. Damn... He's not even considering the possibility. What if the kids are a part of the lgbtqia community ..

[u/carex-cultor → u/cookieoftheshire]

Lol both of those are unacceptable and therefore inconceivable to fundies

[u/hk172528 → u/carex-cultor]

This is so interesting, I had no idea Islam was patrilineal. That makes his stance make a lottttt more sense (at least for his logic, not mine lmao)

[u/Desperate-Chair-3746 → u/hk172528]

That’s not how it works. His son can’t just marry whoever, as it states clearly in the post, his son should marry someone from the Abrahamic religion, if we’re following Islamic rulings. Also, you can still be considered Muslim if your dad isn’t Muslim.. it’s not like Judaism where your mom has to be Jewish

[u/cookieoftheshire → u/hk172528]

Why would and why should he care what his grandchildren follow?

His logic is patriarchal.

[u/HopefulCow7480 → u/carex-cultor]

That's false. A child is considered Muslim if they're raised as such, whether or not the dad is also Muslim. A Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man, but the kids can still be considered part of the faith, depending on what they practice.

[u/CharmingMechanic2473 → u/hk172528]

Agreed… red flag 🚩!

[u/PriestessKade → u/hk172528]

Truly. Anyone who thinks their kid – even as an adult – should exclusively be blindly subservient and that the parent is always "right" no matter what are not people who should be procreating. Kids are independent human beings who will have their own wants and needs and thoughts and feelings. If someone can't accept that, they shouldn't be having kids.

[u/SlyFox-5747288 → u/hk172528]

Completely agree. Having children is not a right, and some people shouldn’t.

[u/hazyandnew → u/hk172528]

This thing. If someone is telling you they'd only love their child conditionally, don't have kids with them. Kids deserve better than that.

[u/FrankoceanIsmyson → u/hk172528]

So he himself will marry a woman from a different faith. But if his own hypothetical future daughter does the same, he will not go to the wedding.

[u/Far-Delay7690 → u/hk172528]

What really grosses me out, is it is ok for him to marry a non Muslim woman, and for the mother to be non Muslim but he's openly admitting he will abandon his kids if he doesn't like how they exercise their free will respectfully.

God knows what this kind of man will do to a LGBT kid. Would be a dealbreaker for me immediately

[u/Old-Parking8765 → u/Far-Delay7690]

It's cause he's a hypocrite, probably in it on an attraction basis

[u/Desperate-Chair-3746 → u/hk172528]

Someone who is a religious Muslim would not want to be with a man who’s been in such a long term serious relationship with a non Muslim. Especially one who has strict rules for his daughters/women, but thinks men can do whatever

[u/Old-Parking8765 → u/Desperate-Chair-3746]

A self-respecting Muslim woman who loves and supports women would not go for a man like this

[u/numberwunwun → u/Desperate-Chair-3746]

Precisely. Ding ding ding. He’s not actually religious.

[u/peerdata → u/numberwunwun]

Yeah that’s the thing that irks me so much in these types of situations- it’s not about religion or a specific way of approaching life, it’s about control. L

It’s like men who want ‘tradwives’ but also complain about gold diggers and want sex before marriage. Like, mydude, there are indeed women out there that want to live that trad life, but you don’t actually want that- you want your imagined version of it that includes someone who is sexually liberal, makes their own money, but will still defer to them on every decision and manage all domestic labor. And that’s unappealing to everyone.

[u/Blade_982 → u/numberwunwun]

This. He's not religious. At all. If he was he wouldn't be in this relationship. Or any relationship like this outside of marriage.

And he wouldn't even consider marrying a woman who doesn't follow one of the Abrahamic faiths.

He's not religious. He's just sexist.

[u/silly_panda_105]

He is showing you what value he places on women. Believe him. Do you really want to subject your future children to such treatment?

[u/Odd_Tell1003 → u/silly_panda_105]

Yes, this man is absolutely misogynistic; moreover, I would not believe anything he says about his expectations for/of her after the wedding.

[u/mamachonk → u/Odd_Tell1003]

Right. I'd bet dollars to donuts once they're married, his opinions will start slowly shifting and he'll demand she convert (or at least follow Islamic "rules").

He's still trying to present his best face most likely, and already thinks this isn't a bridge too far. I wouldn't hang around to see where he draws the line.

[u/tocahontas77 → u/mamachonk]

This. That's the concerning part.

[u/Impressive-Rub-5291 → u/silly_panda_105]

Exactly! I said we’ve all seen the many faiths”honor ☠️ “ because dad lost his mind over something the kids did that was “too westernized.”

[u/2high4thisshyt → u/silly_panda_105]

No joke, this is what made me break free from my toxic relationship. I was willing to put up with anything and everything cause I loved him so damn much. Until we had a real talk about children. He wants to have them so that they can take care of him when he's old because his grandpa is senile and his mom and aunts take care of him and he seems to have it good. First of all, have you not seen your mom and aunts' frustrated faces all day? How much they worry? Second of all, my hypothetical children are not going to be your servants. It woke me up from the haziness and made me quiet quit and leave.

[u/akatsukidude881]

No love out there like religious love.

Seriously though, nothing should come before a child. It's insane to even think that way.

[u/4ever_dolphin_love → u/akatsukidude881]

https://giphy.com/gifs/z3HFoEzXCMykr4L0TB

[u/cookieoftheshire → u/akatsukidude881]

Reading the whole paragraph again. I think it's god from both sides helping op steering clear of this nightmarish man.

She even wrote about compromising around finances and other basic stuff.

That guy is a religious nutter.

[u/Ordinary_Mortgage870]

Wait, so he can marry outside his faith,, but his potential kids can't not are they allowed to leave the faith???

Yeah, no. Faith didn't ruin the relationship. Cherry picking did.

[u/Difficult-Focus-4476 → u/Ordinary_Mortgage870]

Reeks of sexism

[u/Vanilla_Banana_ → u/Ordinary_Mortgage870]

He’s a massive hypocrite. Muslim men can only marry religious Christian or Jewish women other than Muslim women, and even then it’s not likeable as it’s just better to marry another Muslim. So he wasted the time and gave heart break to a Hindu woman which he knew he was not allowed to be with since day 1 of their relationship. This is why I keep warning non Muslim women to not date Muslim men, we Muslim women have seen how many women have been used for sex and experience just for it to end in heart break for the non Muslim.

[u/Busy-Flower-4178 → u/Vanilla_Banana_]

he is also insisting on her to convert to islam

[u/Vanilla_Banana_ → u/Busy-Flower-4178]

He should’ve just went after another Muslim instead of wasting this girls time and hurting her heart. Gross.

[u/BubblesAndSass → u/Vanilla_Banana_]

Kind of sounds like no one should date them from your perspective.....

[u/Vanilla_Banana_ → u/BubblesAndSass]

Yes no one should date a Muslim unless 1) they are not very religious or 2) willing to stand up for their partner. All it takes is a bit of family pressure for the Muslim to break up with their partner. Lots of Muslims who date refuse to introduce their partner to their family. Sometimes the family isn’t even aware. I only know one marriage between a Muslim man and a white non Muslim woman that worked out, cause he wasn’t very religious and moved him and his family away from his toxic parent and siblings.

[u/_hein_ → u/Vanilla_Banana_]

Yep, +1 this. I also know of only one such couple -- Muslim man and Hindu woman and he is not religious. He has also moved her away from his family so they dont get a say in what they should practice as a couple. Lovely couple tbh, great food in their house.

[u/BubblesAndSass → u/Vanilla_Banana_]

My husband isn't religious at all, and his parents are not very religious. Two of their 4 children (my husband and his sister) are married to non religious white folks. They were raised in Iran and his parents still live there, though their children now live in several countries. His mother proudly puts up pictures of us in her home, even some of just me, haha. When we got married, she said I was making her dreams come true (marrying her oldest son).

My husband would probably agree with you, so don't think I'm arguing with you. Just offering some hope, maybe, that people are capable of growing and maybe it'll get better ❤️

[u/Vanilla_Banana_ → u/BubblesAndSass]

Very happy your marriage is great!!! Wishing nothing but blessings for you and your family, I’m glad he isn’t like the majority!

[u/Revolutionary-Yak-47 → u/Ordinary_Mortgage870]

He expects her to give in and convert

[u/kitty_cats6 → u/Ordinary_Mortgage870]

So in Islam, men can marry women of other Abrahamic religions too (judiaism and Christianity), but women HAVE to marry within the religion (ik it's stupid, it's why I don't practice the religion but know of it). So for him to already be dating a woman who isn't one of those is a contradiction to his beliefs. And then to expect his potential daughters to only marry Muslim men is insane.

And I'm not condoning anything, just want to give insight on why he's stupid and a POS from a Muslim perspective

[u/sillylilynunuu → u/Ordinary_Mortgage870]

as per islam muslim men are permitted to marry women outside their faith only if they’re jewish or christian. muslim women are not permitted to do the same. this is because the kids “adopt” the husbands religion.

[u/cookieoftheshire → u/sillylilynunuu]

Damn. So leaving the religion isn't allowed or something!?

[u/CatraGirl → u/cookieoftheshire]

In Islam? No. In some Muslim countries that's still punishable by death. Apostasy is considered a mortal sin.

[u/tequilasky → u/Ordinary_Mortgage870]

Not kids, only his daughter. Straight up misogyny.

[u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

Sounds like he's using religion to disguise his misogyny.

[u/Own_Average_3423 → u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

And desire for control.

[u/kitty_cats6 → u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

1000%, he himself isn't following what Islam says... But expecting others to. He's full of s**t

[u/carex-cultor → u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

Fundamentalist religions are misogynistic. No need for a disguise.

[u/Fit-Check-9264 → u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

Abrahamic faiths are misogynistic. How people practice them varies but misogyny is central to these faiths.

[u/_bugmenot_ → u/Fit-Check-9264]

Pretty much. I just love how people play dumb, as if they werent. Or as if one would be worse than the others. All three of them and their derivatives are equally misogynistic to the core.

[u/SapphireJuice]

Yeah Idk about that girl. Super hypocritical to say his kids can't marry outside the religion but he can? I'd be wary about that.

[u/waowowwao → u/SapphireJuice]

And to have double standards for his daughter vs son. If that doesn't send blaring alarms through any mother's mind...

[u/worldtraveller1989 → u/SapphireJuice]

***his sons can apparently marry whoever they want, but his daughters can’t. Hypocritical and misogynistic.

[u/EdwardianAdventure → u/worldtraveller1989]

And I bet that's not even true. I'll bet either dollars or donuts that "whoever they want" won't mean another man or a transwoman 

[u/GMPetti → u/SapphireJuice]

He specifically said that if they have a daughter, SHE would have to marry a Muslim man. But nothing about a son (only if he leaves the faith) so it really is all about misogyny

[u/Busy-Flower-4178 → u/GMPetti]

because he will ask the non muslim wife of his son to convert just like he is asking her to convert

[u/BubblesAndSass → u/SapphireJuice]

This isn't a personal rule he's making up, this is Islamic law in some traditions (e.g. Iran). It's bullshit, imo, but a lot of people here are acting like this is something he made up himself.

[u/Footnotegirl1 → u/BubblesAndSass]

It is law (one that is varyingly followed depending on sect and individual believer just like religious laws in any religion) that a muslim woman can't marry outside her religion. That's true, but it is also true that Muslim men can only marry women who are of Abrahamic faiths (Muslim, Christian, Jewish). So he is 'making up' what the rules are for himself, but using the strictest interpretation for the women in his life.

[u/Rose_Army_]

His religion is not compatible with your views on how you would like to raise children. Do not marry this man and certainly do not have children with him. As such, it’s a good thing he has set you free with drawing his line in the sand. I have seen this before with Muslim men (and other men from high-control religions/groups) - they are willing to compromise on some things while in the dating stage and then you’re entirely controlled once you’re married.

[u/joboog]

Hopefully he just sticks with Muslim women now with who this won’t be an issue with. I hope you’re okay. It’s for the best. I’m sorry

[u/anonymousp69 → u/joboog]

Many men are like this because Muslim women won’t be with them! Many of these kind of men also date women specifically outside of Islam so that they’re not “forced” to meet their responsibilities in the relationship. Unfortunately because of this, these men think they can just treat the other women however they want to. I hope OP leaves cause as a Muslim woman myself, I have seen that these types of men never change unless it’s for the worse.

[u/cookieoftheshire → u/anonymousp69]

Honestly speaking no girl should be with him. His stance on girl children being forced into religion sounds like a nightmare.

[u/anonymousp69 → u/cookieoftheshire]

And in the same breath tell OP he won’t force her to convert to Islam later….. girl, run!!

[u/Generic-Name-4732 → u/anonymousp69]

It’s similar to how many conservative women prefer to date/marry liberal men. I tell my husband who is not religious that if I hadn’t met him I probably wouldn’t be married because almost all the single guys who are as serious about religion as I am have this fundamentally flawed mindset of gender roles and what makes a good wife. Plus I’m apparently incredibly intimidating and scare all those little boys away.

Maybe it’s that insecure boys cling to stereotypes of gender roles because they know they’d be trounced by any halfway competent woman and their egos are too fragile for that.

[u/joboog → u/Generic-Name-4732]

I’m also a religious woman dating a non religious man. I totally feel you.

[u/joboog → u/anonymousp69]

Dang that’s wild but also not unexpected from men.🫩

[u/anonymousp69 → u/joboog]

Honestly, learning more about men made me stop looking for a husband 😬

[u/michiko-malandro → u/anonymousp69]

Yep, these are the type of men that end up marrying their cousins twice removed

[u/kitty_cats6 → u/anonymousp69]

Preach sister!! The fact he claims to be religious but is dating is a contraction in and of itself

[u/sitaraHD → u/anonymousp69]

Ugh exactly!

[u/tigress666 → u/joboog]

Honestly.. I kinda hope he doesn't stick with any women... I really feel sad for any future kids of his, especially if they are daughters.

[u/ceciliabee → u/joboog]

You know he won't :( he didn't want a caged bird, he wants to control and cage a free bird

[u/kitty_cats6 → u/joboog]

I hope he does alone and unloved because anyone who can treat a woman like that, regardless of religion, is trashy af

[u/dontwanna-cantmakeme → u/joboog]

HE is the problem, not the Muslim/Hindu dynamic. Any girl he marry will end up in a nightmare. 

[u/passtheyayo]

It's good you had this talk now, before having children.

[u/ana_vaz04]

Fuck that man, and save yourself from that negligent future!

[u/cookieoftheshire → u/ana_vaz04]

https://giphy.com/gifs/WuVdPqDSsRbjy

[u/69iloveyou]

I’m sorry girl.

[u/chebepowder]

Welp, that's the all too common hypocrisy of Muslim men for you. Put yourself and your future children first <3

[u/Ex-Bee → u/chebepowder]

Well said… hiding behind devoutness when he’s just a controlling misogynist

[u/anonymousp69 → u/[deleted]]

There was a jarring statistic I recently read stating a disgusting amount of men leave their wives if she becomes sick or unable to care for herself. I think it turned me off from trying to find a husband immediately because that’s actually disgusting. In sickness and in health, only when the husband is the one in question, I guess.

[u/TeamLaurent → u/anonymousp69]

Hi! We see this claim a lot around this sub! It’s a myth that the initial researchers have retracted as a mathematical error, but the retraction hasn’t been well publicized compared to the initial (inaccurate) results.

[u/kimdebarge → u/TeamLaurent]

I’d like to see them do another study because, as a breast cancer survivor, I hear a disturbing amount of stories of husbands leaving and I think when the marriage does work, it’s because the woman does the work.

[u/anonymousp69 → u/TeamLaurent]

Oh wow I had no idea, thank you for educating me!

[u/PugRexia]

Well he told you who he is. Be glad it was before you had kids.

[u/hnybbyy]

I’m so sorry! As a religious person, it would be unacceptable to me to reject my child because they stray away from faith, religion, God, etc. It’s important to have the maturity to understand that when children grow up they make the choice of how to live their lives, and to reject that idea is foolish.

I know it’s super fucking sad right now, but you dodged a bullet.

I wish you the best!

[u/dorkofthepolisci → u/hnybbyy]

This. It’s fine to be religious. It’s fine for your religion to be important to you.

Part of having children is understanding that they are their own people.

They aren’t necessarily going to share your likes/dislikes/political views/religion

To say you’d cut your child off because their path took them to another faith tradition (or none!) is madness

[u/anonymousp69 → u/hnybbyy]

This guy is such a hypocrite it’s astounding. While he’s allowed to not support if his future daughter marries a non-Muslim, Islam strictly prohibits breaking ties of kinship. Islam also prohibits compulsion and forcing the religion onto anyone who is unwilling. This guy cant even follow the rules of Islam himself yet is already dictating what a hypothetical child should be doing with their life?? I hope OP can leave this train wreck soon.

[u/Bekindalot → u/hnybbyy]

Agree completely. There is NOTHING my kids could do that would make me reject them. Knowing before they are even born, he could reject his daughter for religious beliefs or who she loves stands out to me the most here.

[u/SweetSprinkles8]

I'm sorry that religion had to end your relationship. He should never have started it. Sounds like he's a terrible person for what he did to you.

[u/Relevant_Potato_1335]

It sucks but it’s best you find out now before you trap yourself in an unhappy marriage with someone who couldn’t love and support your future children unconditionally.

[u/cell_queen]

You don’t control your children!! They are not your property. Does he know that? I am Hindu (more spiritual not religious), husband is atheist but is okay with Hindu traditions. We discussed how we would raise our child before marriage too. We decided to expose them to everyday Hindu practice at home (we light lamps) but we won’t force it. It is upon them to understand and follow religion if they want to. My daughter has read Gita, Bible (old and New Testament) and Quran starting at middle school. She saw issues in every religion with scripture in some places but serious issues with organized natures of all of those religions. She is agnostic now and we are fine with it. She embodies what all of those three religions preach though- Kind, Compassionate, Loving, Generous, Caring human being without jealousy and greed. I am so proud of who she is as a human being. She also taught me that you don’t need religion to have high standards of morality. Hope this helps! Good luck and don’t back down. Your partner is not a good person. Sorry about it. Hugs to you!

[u/michiko-malandro → u/cell_queen]

How beautiful, I am muslim and my mom also encouraged me to learn about all religions and would have fantastic conversations with me about religion growing up ❤️ You're doing a fantastic job!

[u/cell_queen → u/michiko-malandro]

Thank you 🙏 Life can be so simple without drama. I have no idea why people like to control others.

[u/OrchidFine1335]

I hate it when people go for someone who’s not in their religion when they know in the future they will have to convert for them, like tf stay in your lane and don’t expect to force your religion on others

[u/7Betafish]

It's good that you were both mature enough to have these conversations early on, and not after you were married and having children. i know it's painful now but you will find someone better suited. Hugs to you--

[u/According_Pension_34]

Dodged a big bullet girl!!! It may take a lot of time but one day you'll look back and be grateful it ended now and not after he disowns one or more of your children.

[u/cedarcia]

This sounds like something you guys can’t negotiate on. If he has such strict feelings when it comes to the religion of your children and who your daughter is going to marry I think he needs to find a Muslim wife. I’m sorry I don’t think this is compatible. Maybe relationship therapy could adjust his expectations a bit but I doubt it.

[u/chompthecake]

Run the fuck away

[u/futura____free]

As someone who grew up in the Muslim faith he did you a favour by telling you the truth. Muslim men usually use non Muslim women to experiment and marry a Muslim woman. Muslim men in both south Asian/ Arabic cultures see non Muslim woman as easy. There is higher standards to gain access to a Muslim woman I.e an expensive dowry or wedding. Him saying he doesn’t want his child to be Hindu, shows you he does not respect your religion. A man who doesn’t respect your faith does not respect you. Muslim families will also not accept a woman from another faith. Muslim men value their families opinion. To marry him you would have to do an Islamic nikkah. Often non Muslim woman are not accepted by the family. A kid who is not seen as fully Muslim is not accepted, they usually experience discrimination from the community. It’s better to end things before it gets too serious. This just means you can find a better man.

[u/Eggie123]

What he is describing (severing ties with his children over religious beliefs) is raising your potential children in a cult. Do you really want to bring children into a high control environment where their father’s love is conditional? Do you really believe that once your married his tune won’t change on accommodating your culture and religion given the lines he’s drawn? This an insurmountable incompatibility, and you won’t be able to change his mind.

Also, what’s with the fixation on specifically who his daughter (not son) marries? That is a massive red flag.

[u/IndependenceFar1482]

i'm sorry but this is his fault more than anything else. i'm muslim, and as far as i know men cannot marry a woman who is not muslim/ christian/ jew as you said. if he wants to marry you then okay no one will stop him really, but now he wants the kids to be muslim too? and to marry muslims only? dude be for real. if you're giving yourself the choice, then it's everyone's right to have a choice too. i'm 80% he's gonna try to convert you to islam at some point (probably with the excuse that the marriage isn't valid) and forcing you to convert to islam (or tricking you into doing it actually) is not right at all. girl, please reconsider.

[u/ilovefishtheyaregood]

lol as a muslim girl i had this exaaaact experience with my ex and he was absolutely insane. totally get what ur going through.
im w a better guy now but im sorry you were subjected to this insane mf.

[u/These-Ad3310 → u/[deleted]]

+1 to Not without my daughter

[u/nogardleirie]

I'm sorry to read this but the truth is if he let religion get in the way, then it's good you discovered this now.

[u/jahayynnnne]

You also protected your potential future children from having to grow up in household where force would dictate their decisions, where they wouldn’t have basic autonomy in really important spheres of their life. One day when you marry and do have children you will look back and be so glad that you didn’t marry someone who wanted to control their children’s decisions or respect their freedom of choice.

It hurts now but you did the right thing in standing up for what you thinks is right. It’s his loss in the long run. He gave away a beautiful soul who gave him happiness and love because you wouldn’t grant him total control. You’re the winner in this. So are your future children, especially if you have a daughter.

[u/Sugar_Mama76]

He was very clear on who and what he is. And if he’s going to be the final decision about the kids, then the “no converting” will last until the ring hits your finger and now he considers you his personal property.

He made it clear his religious beliefs are more important than anything else. Your happiness, the wants of your future kids, all that is through his lens of religion. I’m sorry you wasted your time with him, but you don’t have to waste anymore. Let him go be with someone that can stand that kind of life. You find someone worthy of you.

[u/tthrillerr]

Please don’t get involved with hypocritical muslim men, they will make your life a living hell. They will hold you to standards that they don’t even meet themselves.

If he truly cared about his religion he would know that his marriage to you in his own religion wouldn’t even count since you aren’t Christian, Jewish or Muslim. He’s basically cherry picking whatever rulings that let him be in control while discarding the ones he doesn’t like.

As an ex Muslim woman I’d advise against marrying or getting involved with Muslim men in general if you aren’t Muslim yourself.

[u/Best_Conflict_5935]

as a muslim woman i tell you this sincere advice with love and care: RUN AND DO NOT LOOK BACK.

Our religion is not rigid so much as it is uncompromising. the rules are the rules. Muslim women must marry a muslim man, any thing other than this, no matter how accepting the parents are essentially puts the woman outside the faith.

the man, like you said, can not marry a polytheist. period. *unless* you convert it does not meet the requirements.

this relationship is haram. I am sorry to say. so if he truly valued religion he would not be breaking your heart. this man is no good. run away.

[u/PriestessKade]

I am so sorry you're hurting. AND he isn't just "choosing religion over you." He is choosing hypocrisy and misogyny. He is choosing to view women as less-than. He is choosing to be close-minded and judgmental. That's not something he can chalk up to religion; those are active choices to have values that do not equitably value all people. So I understand that you are heartbroken, and I also hope that you find some peace in knowing that he honestly did you a favor because you shouldn't want to be in a relationship with a hypocrite who doesn't believe women deserve equality. Because I can all but guarantee his hypocritical views about what women can or can't or should or shouldn't do are not limited to who they can marry.

[u/ImpossibleDrive3304]

Girl…run. Islam is not a religion that allows any type of leeway. He may be ok with you being Hindu now before marriage but it will all change when you’re actually married. It’s not worth it. There are plenty of other good men out there who are not Muslim and would accept you for you and not put your future kids under that religion. It’s odd that he is even dating a non Muslim woman. He was either playing with your feelings and having a last hoorah before finding himself a Muslim woman or absolutely expected you to convert after marriage.

[u/Various-Shelter399]

Please don’t marry him, a severe religious mismatch doesn’t bode well for the rest of your relationship. The only positive thing is he put all his cards out there now so the ball is in your court.

Also, you can’t predict his future behaviors and he may end up enforcing much more of his religion onto you after you get married. If that’s not something you’re ready for, it’s time to leave now.

[u/Capable_Two_2816]

Please do not have kids with this man. You’d be setting this child up for potential religious trauma and the possibility of losing family for making a personal choice.

Edit: It’s a good thing to break up in this scenario. I was raised in a very strict fundamentalist Protestant environment where mistakes weren’t allowed and other religions were off limits for exploring. That exact same boys can do what they want but girls cannot bullshit. It was profoundly damaging to me as a person and to my relationships with my family.

[u/stringthing87]

He's saying he doesn't plan on having unconditional love for his future children. That would push me away more than anything else. What would happen if he had a kid who was queer? Trans? Disabled? This seems no different than someone who would withdraw their love from their child because they came out.

[u/BumblebeeDesigner838]

Why do ppl continue to date Muslim men their relationship style only fits marriage to Muslim women if hes practicing :P

[u/froggie61]

oh boy. if to him it's 'unacceptable' you have a values misalignment which maybe feels small now, but will definitley feel bigger and bigger as your lives together progress. you guys are going to fight bitterly over this in the future, and your poor kids. there's no way at least one of your kids is going to want to explore a bitin life. I don't think a values misalignment is something you can getover. it's the number one factor in happy marriages. it's good you found out now, this is what dating is all about. he is not your forever person.

[u/Cats_4433]

You two are just incompatible. Ultimately, I think given his beliefs it's for the best that you two go your separate ways. I foresee him having an issue with you not wanting to convert in the future.

[u/missmay2222]

Dodged a bullet it seems

[u/Braazzyyyy]

hah classical mysoginic. How could it be if the man can marry whoever they want but the daughter not?

[u/GypsyDuncan]

He showed you the value of women to him. Interchangeable wombs and cattle. Raise your standards for next time and be proud of you. You did good. Don’t breed with men like this. Your daughters will thank you.

[u/Bobbyannyeong]

https://giphy.com/gifs/aLg8Q0ahdz3NkfFWcH

[u/Capizara]

1. I have very hard time to think that he wouldn't pull the rug under you at some point and make ultimatum "convert or else". He said it himself, his god before anybody else.

1. if we have a daughter, it is expected that she marries a Muslim man, no questions asked.

So he (man) and possible boy (man) are free to marry from other religions but women aren't.

I think you just saved yourself from future of pain.

[u/PorQuepin3]

Well, at least he's honest about his ugliness

[u/Weird-Knowledge337]

I would not have children with a man who is already threatening to disown them

[u/EarlyInside45]

Your partner ruined the relationship with his strict adherence to traditions that suit him. I know a secular Anglo woman married to a Muslim Egyptian man, and they have a son. He does not expect her nor their son to also be Muslim. The son decided as a teenager that he would follow Islam with no pressure from his father.

[u/VisitPrestigious8463]

I am an estranged child because my parents chose their religion over me. It is deeply painful, but I can’t change who I am to fit the mold they required to earn their love.

Please think very carefully about this and the hypothetical children you may someday have.

[u/madzandu]

Yeah. Religion is not an excuse to be sexist or unreasonable- It’s sad that he was raised that way. It sucks but there’s no way to change his views :(

I hope you can move on & find someone with more similar values!!

[u/b3ateater]

Don't even want to know his reaction if the kid turns out gay/trans/etc 😐

[u/Fluffy-Young-8075]

Girl run. He sounds like a nightmare

[u/strapqueen1738]

people who can’t love their children unconditionally shouldn’t have children at all.

[u/GirlDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Racism, sexism, ageism, ableism, xenophobia, religious crusading, homophobia, poly-hating, slut-shaming, transphobia, TERFness, and other such turdhead tomfoolery is not welcome here. 👎

[u/HN-Prime]

Do not take what he is saying lightly. When my father found out I had left Islam he tried to strangle me to death whilst my mother watched. Do not stay with this man, please. It will be Hell and trauma for you and your kids

I'd recommend checking out the r/exmuslim subreddit. There are a lot of never-Muslim women who post there about their bad dating experiences with Muslim men

[u/Unique_Persimmon9454]

I’m sorry

This is one of those things that’s really important to establish early on. I’m an atheist and I could never be with anyone who is religious. It is too important to them. And me being atheist is too important to me

[u/Visible-Scientist-46]

He's give Tom Cruise vibes. That man has nothing to do with his own child, Suri!

[u/rileslovesyall]

The fact that his standards are so wildly different for a girl vs a boy is all I needed to know, really. It doesn’t sound like yall are on the same page here regarding your future family.

[u/h8mecuz]

Wild for him to say if he had a daughter he’d expect her to marry a muslim man but he has no problem taking a non-muslim wife

[u/Successful_Nail_8572]

Growing up with conditioned love and strict expectations is like growing up in a cage you can only open if you're a certain way. If you're not? Then you're screwed. If you decide to pursue this relationship, keep in mind that your children will not be loved unconditionally. I advise you not to, your children deserve freedom of choice, and you deserve a partner who puts you first.

[u/hotlettucediahrrea]

Girl, he’s a hypocrite and a bigot and he’s told you straight up that his love for his children will be conditional, and that you are secondary. You are incompatible and it’s time to move on.

[u/imnotbovvered]

How would you feel if one of your kids, or another family member, ended up gay? Would you want to reject them and cut them off? If not, you should check what his take on the issue is. If he would reject his children for being gay, then he's not a safe person to have children with.

[u/Imaginary-Weakness]

That’s not how kids work. There are a whole host of expectations people unreasonably place on kids (religion, taking care of parents, education/leaving home, who they marry, how they act, gender roles, sexuality, values, etc.). I imagine there are more views your partner holds and the general expectation that children will obey and reflect his views.

If you believe children come with their own paths and parents are there to provide example and support their children but ultimately are not there to control them, then this will be a really big issue (e.g., raise them in a faith but love and accept them if they end up choosing something different).

[u/FlumphMagnet]

Yeah... I usually roll my eyes at such advice, but run, OP. Don't walk away, run as fast as you can. If he says religion could potentially come between him and his children, it will come between the two of you sooner or later. Probably not long after the wedding, if I had to hazard a guess. Anyone willing to cut ties with their child over anything, let alone something as silly as religion, is not worth having children with, full stop, no apologies, no excuses. In the long run, I doubt he will respect your autonomy, either.

[u/Admirable-Ad7152]

Im sorry OP. Its something people dont like bringing up because they thinks its mean or negative but religious/spiritual compatibility is SO IMPORTANT, especially when wanting kids. When I was younger I entertained mixed faith relationships but, as the atheist in the couple, they always eventually tried to convert me or accuse me of trying to "convert" them. So I gave up on that entirely and am happy with my agnostic, slightly spiritual partner. It became a huge part of my "No" list if they were very into any religion. Its such a big part of their lives and while they might want to say theyre open minded, at the end of the day, they still think they are Right over everyone so theres going to be tension. 

Good luck with everything, especially untangling yourself from this relationship. Its going to take time but you will get through this. Lots of love 

[u/m1drizzystepper]

as a muslim woman whos married to a muslim man: god i hate muslim men. if hes so religious and wants to live a religious life style, why is he in a long term relationship with a non muslim? he will ALWAYS bend the rules for himself but not others.

you dodged a bullet bc he was only going to make your life more miserable. i have a few hindu friends who are in or have gone through the same situation and it always plays out the same. very seldomly does it actually work, but usually the man is not as religious or actually a decent human being.