They made a separate group chat without me

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

This happened a few weeks ago and I've been ruminating. Long story short, my friend let it slip that there's a separate group chat and had an "oh shit" look on her face when I clarified it. I wasn't supposed to find out. Frozen Walmart taquitos seasoned with tears.

I only see one person n my friend group on a regular basis. This friend and I live in the same town. I don't have a car and most of our friends live in the next town over. So they all see each other often, but I usually can't come because I don't have a car to drive myself there. I don't mind at all, people are allowed to hang out even if not everyone can make it.

One time, she was telling me about a funny meme someone sent in the group chat. I hadn't checked my phone that day so I said I'd look at it later. I couldn't find one that was exactly the same, but one was similar so I thought she misremembered the details of the joke. I didn't think anything of it.

Then another time she mentioned something about dinner plans everyone made. I said "I don't remember seeing any messages about it." And she said "Oh, weird. Maybe we talked about it in person when you weren't there and we forgot to send the details in the group chat." But she sounded like she kind of made a lie up on the spot. She did end up telling me the plans, I was included, and I got no obvious weird vibes from anyone during dinner.

The time I finally figured it out was a birthday party. I had already bought a gift for the birthday girl and figured I'd give it to her the next time I was in her town. I texted her happy birthday and didn't get a response. I assumed she was spending time with her boyfriend and family, so I didn't mind that she didn't answer. But later that night I saw Instagram stories and posts. It looked like a really fun party. Tons of food, balloons, yard games, a cake with a funny inside joke with our friend group. Everyone was there in the pictures, even boyfriends and friends of friends. I was the only one not included.

I brought this up to my friend the next time I saw her and she said "I was wondering why you didn't come." It sounded like she was genuinely confused. I said that I didn't even know about it and nobody said anything. She said "yes we did! We've been planning it for a whole month in the group chat!" And pulled it up to show me...

Homegirl realized her mistake. She got the group chats mixed up. They were similar titles and emojis (example 💗✨Bad Bitch Club✨💗 vs 💖💖 Bad Bitchezzz 💖💖).

I said "so... There's a separate group chat?" And she kind of stammered and said it's because sometimes I can't hang out because I can't drive there myself to meet them. So they made a separate one so I don't feel bad and like I'm missing out. Even though SHE could drive me. We live five minutes away from each other. It's pretty much crickets in the group chat I'm in, unless I say something first. Even then, I might only get one or two responses or a heart reaction to my message. They've been strategically planning what I'm included in and what I'm not. Like they're slowly phasing me out until I just quit trying.

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[u/Jaded-Space-7334]

Yep so what you do with that information is up to you now but it should be to distance yourself from them.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/Jaded-Space-7334]

Yes, absolutely. I didn't bring it up to anyone else and I stopped speaking in the group chat altogether. There have been no messages for weeks.

[u/ConsequenceSingle841 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I’d remove myself as well as on social media. They don’t care to include u but will post. Start doing hobbies in ur city if you can to find new friends. Ik it’s hard without a car, but any effort is better than none

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/ConsequenceSingle841]

I don't mind walking to activities, I like doing watercolors in the park that's about a 20 minute walk from my apartment ❤️

[u/Dapper-Survey1964 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

That sounds so beautiful girlie. Like, I've been trying to build up a list of hobbies and I might steal that one from you.

[u/attempt_no23 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I'm not sure about your age but when I was in high school, my mom refused to let me ride with friends my age, due to her baby sister dying at age 4 in a car wreck. With that being said, ONE girl lived in my neighborhood and my mom said "she does drive right by us to leave and the school function isn't too far so I can accept that." Cut to me telling this gal, my "friend" that I got the OK to ride with her. I can't count how many times, including homecoming float parade day that I saw her drive by my house, to see her at the event, and ask why she didn't want to give me a ride. Cut to NOW and very soon after in life, these people aren't your friends and that is ok but I know it stings. You have a fabulous outlook on how to better spend your days even looking at your comments. You will shine brightly with filling your new, open gaps on things that make you happy. <3

[u/animalcrackers0117 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

tbh if you post about it on your local reddit, some people might join you

[u/Crazy_Leksi → u/animalcrackers0117]

This!! I see people post in my local all the time and they get a decent amount of responses.. always makes me feel like there are still some good people around, even in big ass cities

[u/Baaabra → u/animalcrackers0117]

Wait There are local reddits?

[u/kateastrophic → u/Baaabra]

Yes! Pretty much every city has its own and state subreddits can have info for small towns and regions. City subs are some of my favorites on reddit (although they can be snarky, because redditors).

[u/woolgirl → u/ConsequenceSingle841]

You have handled this all with grace and maturity. Your understanding of how you were handicapped without a car. Being happy for your friends being together anyway. You seem to be an awesome human being. I am sure you will find amazing friends who are emotionally and intellectually mature as you.
Bravo u/klutzy__drag…

[u/pumpkins21 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I’d remove myself from the group chat and just drop them, honestly. It sucks but you have to protect yourself.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/pumpkins21]

I finally left the group chat and already got two different "girllllll what happened? :((" texts. Will update if there's more lmao

[u/maidrey → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Ugh I’m so sorry. That would hurt me. Like, don’t make me explain that I know about your group chat games. Don’t make me explain that I’m the odd one out.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/maidrey]

Frr, I hate to say this because I always like to see the best in people. But I wouldn't be surprised if they're trying to get a response because they're getting some form of satisfaction from it. I'm not about to be like "I'm just an NPC to you and I know you don't care about me" because that's something for them to get off to

[u/MasticatingSheep → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Honestly even if it's not them intentionally being petty, I'm sure they can rub their collective brain cells together and figure it out.

[u/LukewarmJortz → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

"chats dead so I left feel free to just DM me."

And just drop the rope.

[u/LowkeyLokigator → u/LukewarmJortz]

"Or add me to the other group chat that you thought I didn't know about. Actually, don't bother. " 🫱🎤

[u/UnforgivingBabyHippo → u/LukewarmJortz]

OP, this is the way 🫶🏻🫶🏻

[u/Magelatin → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

You've got a really keen sense of this, which is impressive. I have been excluded to this extreme, and my emotions were too haywire to have a sense of how to proceed. You're doing great. This definitely seems like a situation that would have been dead weight on you if they hadn't shown their asses.

You are exactly right. They weren't just excluding you. They were using you as a person they could all put down. If they like in-jokes enough to put one on the cake, they had more jokes that relied on you being in the dark about the group chat. You wisely removed yourself, and they are slowly realizing how dull they are when they aren't dogpiling someone. I bet both people who texted you texted everyone before and after they did it. Good for you for not feeding the sharks. Really. This is hard. Not engaging when you encounter this kind of baffling middle-school cruelty is an artful level of zen.

They are probably going to have to cycle through all the people they used to put down, because they are out of material, and you're going to be taking beautiful walks, making lovely watercolours in the park, and finding new friends with your really astute grasp of people and what motivates them. You'll have so many interesting things to talk about and learn about, and you'll be around people who open your world up. Maybe, you'll meet someone with some sour cream or tomatillos for the taquitos!

Those old friends will still be talking about whoever isn't there, and you'll be making room for yourself at places they'll never see.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/Magelatin]

I'm not sure if I'm in zen mode or spite mode right now lol. I'm acting calm and not replying to them. But since I left the group chat, my phone has been flooded with texts and they get increasingly angrier by the message because I'm not responding.

It started with me trying to be calm and mature z honestly. But... 😂 They'd be so pissed if they realized I'm getting more amusement out of this than they are.

[u/f0xbunny → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

We want to know the messages! How could they be possibly angry? It’s inconceivable

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/f0xbunny]

To sum it up, they spiralled into saying I was being a petty bitch by ignoring them. Awfully rich of them.

[u/NoelaniSpell → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Just keep ignoring them. In fact, block them altogether (I see below that they're now even calling you names, the irony...).

You don't owe your time or your friendship to anyone, let alone them.

[u/Positive_Passage7518 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Your instincts are spot on - don't give these immature mean girls the satisfaction of any response.

[u/pumpkins21 → u/maidrey]

Exactly!

[u/kronicno_tele → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Oh to see what they're writing in their group. Acting clueless on top of it all is rude af. 

I'm sorry OP, this sucks so much. 

[u/viabelleh → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

ugh i hate when people only act like they care because they feel like they got caught. try to remind yourself that your hurt and your feelings are SO valid, and that they were not treating you like friends would. they will probably have a million excuses if you choose to respond but know that there's no realy excuse to justify the way they acted. i'm so sorry op 😞

[u/Humble_Obligation284 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

They actually reactivated an old group chat with a lot more people in it when I left the smaller one, and said they accidentally sent it to that instead of the smaller one, even tho it had been months since we had used the other. It’s all mind games. Bow out quietly.

[u/asavage1996 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

did you respond or no? i’m really sorry you’re going through this

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/asavage1996]

I don't think I will be, because the texts keep rolling in. It's all super performative and overly sad, acting like they have no idea what happened. I think if I respond they're take screenshots and use it as something to talk about

[u/candycrunch1 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Don’t respond at all to anyone, anything they say and how they react at this point will only reflect on them and their true intentions

[u/DamnGoodCupOfCoffee2 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

You have good EQ. Those ppl don’t deserve your time, energy, words. Doing nothing is best. I wish I could paint, sitting in the park painting with an awesome person seems like a such a good time and you seem like a good person! As you cut out all this dead weight you’ll find the tribe you deserve!

[u/leiawars → u/[deleted]]

Emotional intelligence

[u/Pretty_Pixilated → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

They know what they did. I agree with your earlier comments… they just want the drama tea they made at your expense. 😡
I lost a friend group in a weird way over discord a few years back… it was tough for a while but now I know I was just their accessory friend until I actually needed support. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
Watercolor in the park sounds amazing btw!

[u/Street-cake172 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Good for you tho for leaving! Onto better✨

[u/pumpkins21 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I’m an asshole, see, so I’d be like “oh, you want to play ignorant? Y’all already have a group chat without me, so what’s one more?”

[u/SharpShake87 → u/pumpkins21]

This one. The local friend, as well. They seem like a shit group.

[u/DragonScrivner → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Please remove yourself from the GC. Like, you don’t owe them anything and I think it’d be better for your mental to take control of this and take action for yourself. If your friends want to hang, they’ll reach out and you can do the same, separately

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/DragonScrivner]

I just left a bit ago and already got two people asking me why lol

[u/DragonScrivner → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Ack, oh no! Are you going to be candid with them? If they’re really confused, I think it’s fair to just be up front like “So, the separate GC you all created without me highlighted some things for me about how our friendships aren’t all growing in the same direction anymore ,” etc, etc

I really am sorry you have to go through this

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/DragonScrivner]

Their texts are reading as overly performative for me lol you know how some people try to act coy and pretend they don't know what's going on? I'm hyper aware of shifts in energy and texting patterns so they definitely know exactly why I left.

I'm not answering because I have no doubt they're going to take screenshots and use it as fuel to talk about me

[u/Pookie1688 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Good. These mean girls don't deserve another moment of your time.

Thank you for the award, kind Redditor!

[u/peppertones → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

yup you’re exactly right, they will do that. good for you for leaving and not giving them any info about it. proud of you girl. i’m sorry this happened, it really hurts. after this type of thing happened to me from a toxic friend group, I found my tribe, my bestie girl group. they’ve been healing and a breath of fresh air. so the right friends are still out there for you 🫶

[u/DragonScrivner → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Ugh, they suck. I’m glad you know who they are now and can move on with better people

[u/Sensitive-Issue84 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I'm so sorry. This is painful. I hope you have an easy time finding a better friend group.

[u/Exotic_Appointment57 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Babe can we PLEASE be friends? 🧡😭 I love u already !!!

Edit: and ur current friends are DUM so come hang w us instead 🤪

[u/quailinthebrush]

thats how i realized i was being phased out for similar reasons. I was unemployed for a long time and they just didnt want to deal with the awkwardness of inviting me and me going "oh i cant afford it"

im sorry that sucks. i cried for a week when i found out

you will find people who like you for you

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/quailinthebrush]

It does really suck. I understand the whole "avoiding awkwardness" thing but there's ways around it. You can still do fun things that are cheap and free. Even video chatting while you do chores is nice.

[u/LittleBlag → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

If I had a friend that I loved who lived 5 minutes from me and couldn’t drive I would go over and pick her up to go out. Or I would order her an uber. Or I would go over to her to hang out. The very last thing I would do is exclude her. I’m so sorry you’re going through this friendship breakup, but in a few years when you’ve found the friends who love you, you’ll realise these girls weren’t your people. Sending hugs!!

[u/quailinthebrush → u/LittleBlag]

the worst part is another friend in the group lived a street over so they would pick him up

i know it was a money thing they liked doing things that cost money that i couldnt afford but it ended up with them still not having me over for movie nights and the like

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/quailinthebrush]

Not even inviting you to a movie night? That's just cold 🥶

[u/quailinthebrush → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

THEY WOULD HAVE TO PASS MY HOUSE TO GET TO THE FRIENDS HOUSE WHO WAS HOSTING IT

ugh, im so glad i got cut out.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/quailinthebrush]

Honestly yeah, that sucks a lot but I think it saved you a lot of heartache down the road. I can't imagine treating someone like that.

[u/richestotheconjurer → u/quailinthebrush]

reminds me of the guy i broke up with recently. when we were together, i saw him like once a week at the most, which i was cool with because it seemed like he was really busy. except there were so many nights where he was less than 5 minutes from my house hanging out with his friends and he couldn't even stop by for two seconds on his way home. and he would have to pass by my house to go home. just makes you feel like people don't really like you that much lmao

[u/quailinthebrush → u/richestotheconjurer]

if they do, they will go out of their way for you

ive seen it. i know it. i have a friend now who proves me it.

but i was so lonely i was settling

[u/just-4_you → u/LittleBlag]

My friends know I hate driving, so they typically come to me or pick me up. Considering im usually the one that plans things, itd be hard to really exclude me but theyre good friends that would never do that. OP needs some better friends bc these girls are not friendly.

[u/Enough-Pack7468 → u/LittleBlag]

I have a friend who lives 30 minutes away and I pick her up and take her places whenever we all get together.

OP, I’m sorry your friends have not been considerate. As someone who has been through something similar, you will eventually find your true, fun, and inclusive group and understand how much better off you are without the current group.

I have friends I met through an art class, maybe you should sign up for a local watercolor class (based on previous comment).

[u/Heatherisonfire → u/LittleBlag]

Thissss. Like yes I see people mentioning the one friend is not obligated to give rides to every event. I agree. But real friends find ways to include you anyway even if they have to go out of their way a bit because they enjoy being around you. That's what real friends do. These are not real friends!

[u/stmblzmgee → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Do you ever initiate or plan those types of hangouts with them? I'm not saying what they did was right but it's also not fair to expect everyone else to plan things around you (not saying you did this, just curious if you have made an effort to get everyone together or if you kinda just wait for them to ask or offer rides to you.)

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/stmblzmgee]

Yes I did and I'm glad you brought this up because it opened my eyes to something new.

I see events in their town and share the link to the group chat. I get a few responses like "oh nice" or "looks like fun" but the energy is somewhat noncommittal. I would get that if it was something they wouldn't enjoy, but it's stuff that we all collectively enjoy.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/[deleted]]

Some of them did 💀 they acted disinterested so I didn't want to feel like I was harassing them by trying to confirm plans. Then I'd either not go and see their social media posts later. Or, even worse, I'd go by myself and see them there. they'd act like I "caught" them and tried to come up with an explanation. Like "sorry I thought I had to work and got someone to cover me last minute" or "I came because I assumed I'd run into you here" but didn't confirm any plans

[u/stmblzmgee → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Yeesh. Again, not saying what they did was right at all but now at least you know you did all of the "right" things socially to try and keep the planning aspect equal. Sorry OP

[u/Icy-Yellow3514 → u/stmblzmgee]

I'm also curious if OP ever asked for a ride or waited for the offer. I was always super uncomfortable and reluctant to ask for things when I was younger, and missed out on things.

It doesn't absolve the friend from never (or rarely) offering, but sometimes you need to put yourself out there.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/Icy-Yellow3514]

This may have been my mistake here. I'm uncomfortable with asking for help, so I rarely ask and she usually offers.

This is also because of the timing of things. I'm not always on my phone, so she usually sees the group chat before I do. For a quicker answer, she'd call me to say "hey you wanna come to xyz? I'll pick you up in an hour."

[u/DifficultyFit7401 → u/quailinthebrush]

This has happened to me and its so shitty to realize you thought you had a close friendship and their concept of friendship is superficial.

[u/be0ndegi]

girl i hate them for u omg i

[u/purpleconeflowers]

Was there anything or any conflict with these girls that you had with them before this happened ?

That totally sucks girl I’m so sorry. Those arent your real friends, living a town over would never stop a real friendship

I would stop talking to them honestly

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/purpleconeflowers]

Not that I know of... But I'm autistic, and now I've been reliving every recent conversation there was and trying to figure out if I did or said something that came off as rude.

[u/ts20999 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Please know sometimes it is not your fault, and sometimes others just have a change of heart and don’t communicate or action that in the best way. Things like this are never easy, but sadly part of life is people coming and going. It hurts when someone leaves your life unexpectedly in a bad way, but you are better off without people who treat you like this.

[u/ts20999 → u/[deleted]]

He is going through it😩

[u/technicolortiddies → u/ts20999]

Same little caterpillar. Same.

[u/Samar2753 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

You will find your neurodivergent tribe!

[u/Allergicwolf → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I'm also autistic and I was friends with three people separately. I introduced them to each other and we were a group chat for like five years. They did to me what's happening to you and as far as I know they're all still friends but they ghosted me in 2021 and it still hurts because I'll never get to know why. I was the only autistic one in our friend group too. This was the comment that took me from "oof I relate" to "oh I gotta reply, even if it isn't seen." it sucks. It sucks real bad.

Their separate group chat was because they wanted to dissect poetry and it kind of made me feel self conscious because I couldn't see all the meanings they were pointing out as very obvious. And when I was like hey I know you guys love this and I love hanging out with you, could we maybe do other things too and not just this? They got weird. And then there was another chat without me. A year later, poof. Gone. It took another year and a half before I left/removed the chat. It just took that long to accept it was over.

[u/LivelyZebra → u/Allergicwolf]

This is why I don't introduce my friends to each other anymore.

[u/RepulsedCucumber → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

It wasn’t something you did. It’s who these girls are. Fellow ASD girlie going through the EXACT same thing at this moment.

Hugs!

[u/Foxxef → u/RepulsedCucumber]

Not officially diagnosed with ASD (but pretty sure) and the same thing happened to me! It was years ago, though, and although it’s rough for us out there I’m happy to report that I eventually got over it. When I do think about them it’s usually to think about how far I’ve come from those days and how much happier I am now. They’ll never get to hear about how amazing my cats are and that’s their loss.

[u/IndyDino → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I'm ND, not sure what, I can't seem to find a label, but in my communication style, there are autistic tendencies. I have people at work hating me because "I'm weird". They cannot name anything specific other than just "weird". I've figured out there's nothing specific I say or act, it's just a case of our demons getting and enjoying each other, or not wanting to play together at all. We're not a huge sum of money to be liked by everyone.
That being said, I know how you feel. I've been backstabbed like this a lot of times during my teenage years and after. It never gets easier, all you can do is stop thinking about people who hurt you and focus on people who genuinely like you and want to spend time with you.
Edit: What somewhat helps with my mental health is recalling all the nice things people have said about me. I should probably start a journal with those lol, but it somewhat helps when I'm being left out, that there are people who have appreciated me and that I am a good person, just not everyone's cup of tea.

[u/Aggravating_Tart1416]

Girl, go ahead and phase yourself out. No need to wait for more confirmation to do so.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/Aggravating_Tart1416]

Just left the group chat ❤️

[u/Aggravating_Tart1416 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Good for you. Remember your personal boundaries. If you disrespect yourself, it opens the door for others to do the same. Stay strong and always love yourself ❤️

[u/anomalyknight]

I'm so sorry this is happening. I hate it when people insist on being "friends" with a person, while still being dishonest like this. Social ostracism is so painful to be on the receiving end of. I'm living in a similar situation right now, but I live with some of the people involved, so I can't really do much about it but sit in my room and feel worthless. I hope you can find some much better friends.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/anomalyknight]

That's even worse to be living with them 💔 I'm sorry

[u/sunghaze → u/anomalyknight]

literally in this exact situation right now, coming home to all of them hanging out and knowing i'm not wanted so i just sit in my room feeling bad :/

[u/badnewsbets]

This happened to me in college. My friend group went on a weekend trip and I was the only one not invited. Wish I had told them off in retrospect.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/badnewsbets]

Godddd that's so shitty.

[u/renegade_m00se → u/badnewsbets]

Same. Instead I kept trying to be friends with them for another 4 years 🫠 life teaches you lessons progressively harder until you finally listen lol

[u/aardvark_badger → u/renegade_m00se]

I had a similar situation and had a hard time letting go of trying to be friends with a group as well. It hurts to be the be the one to be left out. Sending healing thoughts to all of us who have been there 💗

[u/Top_Ad6322 → u/badnewsbets]

I had a very similar thing happen. I wish I could have pushed more on the why aspect, I do remember asking why and I just a no-answer answer, like a "well you knowww.." and i brushed it off for the sake of not being awkward, tense etc, but I wish they did have the decency to tell me. Tell me I talk too much and ruin moments if thats what it is, tell me I'm too tense if that's what it is etc, it's not gonna change the past, but I'd love to know more about why I don't jam into the group I thought I did. It was 12 years ago, and I feel like I've gone back to this moment mentally to prove that I am difficult or unlikable person, and clearly can't be reasoned with as friends were too scared to talk to me!

[u/TrickyFriendship9279 → u/badnewsbets]

Same happened to me too. It was just my roommate - 2 of them, who went with 2 other boys. But what hurt me was them never telling me the plan and it was my bday weekend. Sigh

[u/inkbluedawn1]

Same happened right after high school. İ already knew about the other gc but they started including that one girl’s boyfriends (all unlikable anger issues types, one after another) and sometimes even the guys they didn’t like from school.

I felt Real shitty that those guys were more preferable than me for our girls group lol but moved on. You’re more likely to make better friends when you’re distanced from them and have time and social energy for new people

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/inkbluedawn1]

Similar thing happened to me after highschool too. I had friends who chose a woman over me even though she was a terrible person, through and through. Kept getting pets and then rehoming them/adandoning them when their personalities weren't exactly how she wanted. Literally put her domesticated rat outside to "find a family with the wild rats." Like, girl 💀 shes gonna get eaten by those wild rats if another animal doesn't get to her first. Would invite me to things as an indirect way to try to get my boyfriend to come because she had a crush on him. Would invite people over who despised me because she was hoping there would be a fight. Worse things that I won't elaborate on because they're absolutely foul, but... She's the type of person who needs to get her hard drive checked. That's all I'll say.

I'd be sobbing in my bed, thinking "she's a horrible person, and I really that bad that they prefer her over me?" Well... They can have her lol I'm out

[u/sachacura]

Fuck them. And when I say fuck them, I mean literally do not GAF. Cut them OFF. Like leave that shitty little group and go out and do things that you enjoy. Live your life. You’ll find your friends. They’ll like you for you. All this mean girl high school bs. Like we don’t encourage violence but someone needs to slap some sense into them vapid hoes. You don’t need that energy.

[u/smurfygarcia]

This happened to me, too. It hurt for a really long time. I removed myself from their lives entirely. Hurts, but I swear it hurts more to stick around and take that shit.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/smurfygarcia]

Yes. I saw something recently that tugged my heartstrings. Something about feeling more lonely in a group of people than you feel when you're by yourself. I didn't realize I'd been feeling this way for a long time

[u/floralbingbong]

I’m so, so sorry. This happened to me too a few years ago, because I have 2 chronic illnesses and was COVID-cautious (and still am compared to a lot of people). It really fucking hurts, especially when it’s something out of your control (like being chronically ill or not having a car). I wish I had some advice, but in all honesty, the friends worth having will always try to include you. Sending hugs. ❤️

[u/Roaming_Tiger → u/floralbingbong]

I have also gotten diagnosed with conditions and the loneliness and watching friends hang out with friends, having families, and that i dont get to meet their babies and all that is absolutely devastating. I felt this so much! ❤️❤️‍🩹

[u/floralbingbong → u/Roaming_Tiger]

I’m so sorry! The right friends will respect your needs (masking, etc.) but I know how hard it is to find them. We had our first baby in 2023 and didn’t let our friends meet / hold him until he was 12 weeks old and got his first few rounds of vaccines and that didn’t go over well with most, but the few who understood and respected it were amazing. Those are the same few who never made me feel bad about my chronic illnesses. I hope you find friends who deserve you ❤️

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/floralbingbong]

It sounds like those people weeded themselves out. Even though it hurts in the moment, it's important for your friends to respect the health and well-being of you and your baby.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/floralbingbong]

This is so difficult to navigate... I am also chronically ill but no diagnosis, and that's part of my problem too. I'm sorry you're going through that.

[u/floralbingbong → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Thank you for saying that. I’m largely “in remission” now but even so, people who have never dealt with it just don’t understand. I’m so sorry you’re going through it too!

[u/uninspiredlongarse → u/floralbingbong]

GIRL the way you get dropped like a hot potato if you have a chronic illness/disability and suddenly can't hang out at their beck and call. For me it was the AUDACITY to drop me, when they all have kids and can never do a fucking thing. Fuck these people.

[u/Samar2753]

I am so sorry OP. This is painful. I can bet there is a mastermind behind this experience. Its never random, there is a girl or two with pull who don’t like you (probs the one that started the new group citing your unavailability) and there is a huge a chance those particular ones just don’t like you and the rest of group is too weak and conformed. Anyway, good riddance, fuck the games. You deserve to be around people who appreciate you. Also unfortunately in big groups there are games to be played, and its exhausting.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/Samar2753]

That's okay then. I hope they have a good life ❤️

[u/seau_de_beurre → u/Samar2753]

Yeah this situation happened to me in grad school and there was a ringleader. It’s bullying behavior. I’m so sorry OP.

[u/Dangerous_Word9610 → u/seau_de_beurre]

This literally happened to me in grad school too. Twice. So glad those people are out of my life and I have more peace now.

[u/throwaway42840284 → u/Samar2753]

exactlyyyy what happened to me

[u/Daydream-believer05 → u/Samar2753]

I was thinking the same thing I recently heard the term on Reddit of a girl where something similar happened to her called :communal narcissist". And that's just it...there's one or two people, possibly just one, who you likely wouldn't be friends with 1 on 1. And for whatever reason they feel that they need to control the group and decide who can be and not be in the group It makes no sense. It happened to me at work of all places and out of nowhere. And someone who snuck her way into the friend group decided that I shouldn't be.  I guess I was too bubbly and nice. So she just started inviting certain people, and it was like she wanted me to be left out. It was very bizarre. I definitely distanced myself. Some people have untreated mental issues that you can't change.

[u/AccomplishedTip9864 → u/Samar2753]

This is too relatable. All the other girls will tell you they like you and have no issues with you, but will go along w the person w the pull. It’s usually because they don’t want to be ostracized as well.

[u/loam-and-light → u/Samar2753]

100% this. Clearly the one friend who kept accidentally slipping up likes you, or she would have been more careful/known why you weren’t at certain get-togethers, etc. But she’s a follower following some queen bee bully bitch. at any rate, such weird behavior as grown ass adults to be so weak as to let other people dictate who gets to be their friends. you’re better off cutting them off now.

[u/lollipopfiend123]

https://giphy.com/gifs/11CNLlmNAQXIli

[u/Informal-Bell-2022 → u/lollipopfiend123]

You’re hysterical and I’m happy for you that you have a full spice cabinet lol

[u/mybellyhurtssobadow]

This happened to me. I found out my closest and only friends were screenshotting posts I made to my close friends story on insta and sending them in a groupchat with the three of them, instead of the one with the four of us, and talking about how annoying i was.

One of the most hurtful things that has ever happened to me. Took me months to get over it and it still hurts when i think about it for too long. I am so sorry OP😞

[u/Admirable-Tone943 → u/mybellyhurtssobadow]

I am so sorry that happened and understand this still hurts thinking about it 😢 Why people have to be so mean to each other. I was bullied in school and just don’t get how some people are wired that way and do these things to each other and feel good about it.

[u/Itchy-Philosophy556]

Hi I’m you. It felt awful at first but tbh? I’m not going to beg. And the more time that passes, the more I realize that I’m not missing anything and the group actually sucks.

[u/Humble-Cancel-7604]

This is the universe hurting you in order to protect you. It sucks to find things out in this way, but now you can remove these “friends” from your life to make room for new ones. Even the girl you’re closest to needs to go. The fact that she is using your lack of car as a crutch to not invite you or as an excuse is maddening. She could easily swing by and pick you up every once in awhile .. they know what they are doing. I have been phased out in this manner and from one girl to another, the pain WILL pass. You will eventually find your tribe, or at least one good friend to spend time with. Don’t let the loneliness of the transition period get you down. Sending hugs.

[u/blueyedreamer]

I had a similar thing happen. A party was planned and I wasn't invited. They forgot which gc they were in and started talking about it a few days before...

Like, I couldn't make it anyways but it became REAL obvious when I said "oh there's a party? Fun, how last minute though, they normally plan pretty ahead." Crickets for 24 hours until it was stated it had actually been planned like a month before. Someone I was closer with confirmed there was a second group chat and I was the only one not in it.

I ended up telling them their behavior wasn't cool, I had never invited myself to a party or anything, I didn't share secrets, I didn't date anyone's ex's or generally create drama (unlike much of the rest of the group). I showed up, I helped out (frequently the DD), and enjoyed my time when we hung out. If they had a problem with me they could have actually had a discussion. Again, crickets for about a day. Then I said that was all past tense and not to call me. Blocked the group. I believe they ended up telling mutuals to all not contact me because the community I was apart of also stopped engaging with me entirely around the same time.

One person kinda stayed in contact until I turned down her request to DD, then she dropped me too.

Sure, people who get cut out of groups can be big drama, but let's be honest, toxic groups also like their whipping boy or person to take advantage of. You're better off without friends like that.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/blueyedreamer]

Wow wow wow wow. I'm flabbergasted at how common the "two group chat" phenomenon is. I'd be less insulted if they straight up said "I don't like you, don't speak to me."

[u/Dangerous_Word9610 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Allistic people, and imo allistic women particularly, can be especially cruel. I'm AuDHD and the two group chats thing happened to me too. My ex-friends only invited me to trips they'd already planned out without my input so they can have someone split the airbnb cost with them. They even tried convincing a third ND friend who I stayed in contact with to drop me, and actively turned everyone else in a larger cohort group against me.

[u/Strong-Conclusion-52]

Honestly. I’d want to call them out, but it may be better to remove all of them from your life- they are MEAN girls. Your closest “friend” could have easily picked you up. I’ve been there before (without a car in my late teens), and my best friend always made sure to offer a ride.

Even now 20 years later…I have a weird phobia of driving on city freeways (we live in the fourth largest city in the US), and that same friend picks me up so I don’t miss out on events/dinners.

[u/gaelicgirl1983 → u/Strong-Conclusion-52]

For real. The friend that lives 5 minutes away is a shitty friend. Wtf does she mean "I was wondering why you weren't there"? Sure it's on OP to ask for rides to things, but when OP didn't check in with her about it she should have asked if OP needed a ride considering it was a special event and not just regular hang out.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/gaelicgirl1983]

I might sound naive here but in her defense- she has had a lot going on in her personal life. It was probably something that slipped through the cracks because she can't keep up with the separate chats, and which plans were made in which one.

Do I think it's shitty that she was involved in a separate, secret group chat that excluded me? Yeah. But she's been a good friend to me individually. I'm still processing all of this and torn about remaining friends with her.

[u/gaelicgirl1983 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I've read your other comments and I agree with you that she sounds like a good friend overall. Maybe try to talk to her about the situation? I think it's worth sharing with her that you are hurt by the second group chat and although she does have a part to play there, you know it's not entirely her fault and you still want to be her friend. Part of being a good friend is communicating how you feel and not bottling it up.

[u/gitblamed_ → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Sounds like you should talk with her. Even if you don't care about the other girls. It's worth asking her if she feels burdened by you asking for rides or needing a ride, and like if you can contribute to gas or ride money or whatever in cases where it's necessary. Or if just the two of you can hang out more often in places where *she doesn't have to give you a ride*

I mean it sounds like the two of you could just walk to each other's places and hang out. Why are you not doing that?

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/gitblamed_]

I check in with her pretty frequently about it and she always says it's cool. I give her gas money every time.

We are a 5 minute drive apart but it's a 40 minute walk 😅 I would be willing to do that but it's been insanely hot and muggy out lately

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/[deleted]]

Yes, her husband was supposed to do repairs on my car and he ended up destroying it because he can't put down the alcohol. I only "hired" him because my friend was working her ass off to support them both since he's unemployed.

Uhhh honestly I can't even count how many times I was DD. It never mattered much to me because we were all having a good time and safety was important. At least ten times, though. I'd never considered that I may have been dropped because I can't DD for them anymore.

[u/LastCupcake2442 → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

I only "hired" him because my friend was working her ass off to support them both since he's unemployed.

Been there done that and it was never appreciated and the jobs were never done well. Sorry about your car, please don't do it again.

[u/loam-and-light → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

GIRL your friend/her husband should be fucking driving you EVERYWHERE. they are literally the reason why you are without car. why are you even giving them gas money?

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/Strong-Conclusion-52]

That is so sweet! I'm glad you have an awesome friend like that

[u/Wing_Head]

These sound like the kind of people to keep you on their socials just so they can keep tabs on you. And to be able to say they’re friends with you to get more dirt on you from others who know you too.

Notice I didn’t call them friends.

[u/Open-Shirt-9762]

This happened to me and it turns out it was really one person behind it all…and everyone else just went along with it. I would talk in the existing chat, unaware that there was an already lively chat happening and realized it when I saw a post on IG of the group together. Two others were also excluded, but then later included…but I am not autistic or without a car, I think I am awesome and mean girl nonsense happens well into our 40s …and thank you NEXT. Unfriended and unfollowed the one in charge of it all, I am way too old and way too petty. Find yourself your people who will be there for you and with you. They will treasure you.

[u/givemeapuppers]

Aw I hate them sm for you. I don’t drive either, also stay at home mom, so I’ve been there & know the feels. I’m so sorry, this is why I’ve just stopped trying myself. (Also dinner of winners what my daughter had!)

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/givemeapuppers]

I love my frozen taquitos ❤️❤️❤️

[u/Dragonsong21]

I was in a girls’ group like this when I was young. My gut, much like yours, is telling you something is off. My only regret is not listening to my gut sooner and distancing myself rather than continuing to seek their validation. Leave, you WILL find better friends. I promise.

[u/Dragonsong21 → u/Dragonsong21]

Aww, someone wrote here that some people never find friends :( I know it feels like that. I’ve felt that way too. The best friends I have came into my life when I wasn’t even looking for company

[u/Heatherisonfire]

There are so many people saying the seperate group chat is not to be malicious just for planning but logically that doesn't make sense to me. So the logic is that they are leaving you out to avoid... leaving you out? Like idk any time a group chat is made and leaves one person out regardless of what "reason" is given, 99% of the time that friend gets left behind.

Cause in my opinion what's the harm in making the plans in the original group even if you can't come so what? It just doesn't make logical sense and sounds like an excuse to leave you out. They are deciding for you that them making plans without you will hurt your feelings without actually asking you how you feel.

It sounds like you understand they will make plans without you since you can't drive. So it sounds like its just an excuse honestly. Plus the old chat is dead now unless you say something. Believe me I've been in so many situations like this unfortunately. These people are not your friends, girl.

The one girl reminds me of my ex best friend that still wanted to be "friends" but only if she had nothing better to do with her cooler friends. People like this are why I have taken a hiatus from making new friends lol. Like if you dont want to be my friend just say so. It'll hurt yeah but it'll hurt less than being slowly ghosted and left out.

Sorry you are going through this ❤️ People suck but there are def still good ones out there just have to find them!

[u/brute-squadd]

the WORST FEELING EVERRR. same happened w my friends they’d frequently go places without me and accidentally reference it when i was around and then it would get quiet. i’m with you girl

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/brute-squadd]

It's the awkward silence afterwards that gets me 💀

[u/Pristine-Definition6]

1. None of them are your friends, not even the one that lives 5 min from you. They suck. Dump them.

2. Work towards getting a car asap. It’ll help open up more opportunities for investing in friendships, hopefully with better people 😊💖

3. Big hugs. Best of luck. 💖💖💖

[u/Nocoffee_Noglory]

Say your goodbye and leave the groupchat. They're not your friends. They're probably talking about you in another gc.

I have several circles of friends. So believe me when I say I know what a healthy or toxic friendship is.

I am the most introverted in some of my group. But I have never been excluded in any GC despite me not always wanting to join them. If someone noticed I'm not at the party, they'd immediately call me. I sometimes got tagged in the photos where I was not with some funny captions like "our ghost friend X" or " this teddy bear is you X. you're absent again".

The fact that this isn't a one time thing, means you need quality friends.

[u/Latromi]

A few years ago my best friend at the time combined with my entire IRL friend group banded together, made a chat behind my back and talked to each other for 7ish months with the PURPOSE of swapping stories about my worsening depression during post covid times.

They ultimately admitted that they did this to my face during a four hour lecture explaining to me why I wasn't "trying hard enough to be happy."

They told me that I needed to be on depression medication (which they all are well aware of that I've have spent years trying everything under the sun with only side effects and worsening mental health for 13+ years) or I needed to find somewhere else to live. (I was living with one of them.)

When I asked them what I would have to do to prove that I was in fact "trying to be happy"... they kept moving the goalpost and being extremely unclear.

So I told them no.

And they evicted me.

They already had the letter completely printed out and hidden under one of their laptops. So they knew I was going to object to their demands.

So I lost my entire friendship group overnight. My trust is pretty shattered these days. Not sure I'll ever fully trust anyone ever again.

So I know what you're going through is hard. I know it sucks. Wouldn't wish it on most people.

Take care of yourself. Treat yourself. It's gonna take time to grieve your losses so try to do what you can for yourself to make each day a little less garbage in whatever tiny ways that you can.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/Latromi]

This is so unbelievably fucked up. I'm sorry. They criticized you for your mental health, but well-adjusted people do NOT act like this.

[u/Latromi → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Yeah. It hurts even more because I told the friend I was moving in with that my condition for living with her was that she ask me kindly to leave if living with her was starting to deteriorate our friendship because I'd rather have a friend than a roof over my head.

Then she turns around and did that.

Also... I found out after the fact that she and her husband-to-be were planning on getting married that next year and wanted to raise a kid together. They needed my room for a nursery.

Like... She couldn't have just... Said THAT instead? "Hey Lat, we're getting married and trying to have kids next year so can you please think of moving in the next couple months?"

That's literally all it would've taken. I would've moved and kept my entire friendship circle.

But nope! Instead she got that dumb group chat going and tried to get dirt on every low moment I'd experienced in the previous one to two years and then throw it in my face in a four hour eviction disguised as an intervention.

Huge joke.

I'm definitely better off without them. I know that now.

But it took me a LONG time to stop feeling miserable every day about it.

[u/DnBJungleEscape]

I went to Vegas years ago and at the end of the trip I realized the girls had a chat without me.

One girl I cared about but the other two were very similar. They had really vapid energy, didn’t show a lot of emotion, could be very blunt in their delivery.. I realized they both made me feel on edge,. One of them even yelled at me the last day and I asked her what was her issue and that she seemed super on edge and to check herself.

I think I shocker her 🤯

Also I booked our hotel and she hated it from The start and told me to get a refund and get us another room. We were all 27 or so and I didn’t have “that money” 💸.. to refund a $800 hotel and wait 5 days for the refund and pay again.. she was the only one whining …

It was all just bad energy exchanging and I wasn’t even mad I wasn’t in their stupid little group chat since they lack depth so I wasn’t missing much to start 🤣🤣

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/DnBJungleEscape]

This sounds miserable omg

[u/h0m1c1d3_8unn13]

This happened before my friend group ghosted me :/ i would even uber to places to hang out but i guess i was too much effort to keep around

[u/Satoriinoregon]

How awful of them!

Stay golden and remember that sometimes the trash takes itself out!

https://giphy.com/gifs/4bA1znk868IE

[u/Reedrbwear]

I feel for you, OP. When I was 18, my best friend of 5 years invited me to her 19th birthday party one weekend while we were at work. A week before it was due, she tells me its canceled bc her Grandparents were in town and complained about a noisy party.

Cut to a week later and I had spent that evening seeing Phantom of the Opera with my sisters. A coworker spots me and asks why I missed my bffs party that Sat. Turns out she only told ME it was canceled- and all bc her new 16 yr old friend, another coworker, wouldnt go if I did bc she thought I would distract our 22 yr old boss she wanted to date. My friend never let me confront her and ghosted me from that day on. Worst of all, my sister knew bc her bff was mine's little sister, but didn't tell me bc she didnt want to hurt me.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/Reedrbwear]

Ewww that's so weird that your 19 year old friend picked a 16 year old over you. Was it the 16 year old wanting to get with the 22 year old? Boss?? Holy shit there's so much going on here...

Unrelated, that's awesome that you got to see Phantom of the Opera! I plan on going in December 😁 I might have to buy two tickets because that's how the booking site works, but my purse will have a comfy seat of its own since I won't be bringing anyone!

[u/Humble_Obligation284]

This happened to me, and it was because one narcissist was spreading lies about me. I cut everyone off because the least they could have done was let me know and question it. Time to cut everyone off and start over. Real talk.

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/Humble_Obligation284]

Ding ding ding! Just found out that's exactly what happened in my case! I'm sorry you went through that

[u/QueenEris]

This is long! When I started having seizures and couldn't socialise anymore all my "friends" abandoned me. I'd see their instagram stories, all out with cocktails and smiles. I initially understood as I just couldn't go. But no-one checked up on me - if i posted updates I'd get lots of hearts and "thinking of you babe" comments but nothing more. I was wracked with sadness and confusion. I started getting more confident as my treatment stabilised me, but when i reached out I got no response. Then I got angry. I'd never have done that to any of them. Soon, I started to see the reality of the whole group. They just meet up to get smashed and take photos. Performative. I remembered that the conversations were empty. There was no genuine interaction. Just booze and bullshit and selfies. They barely spent any time together outside those meet ups. Then another person got seriously ill and guess what? They stopped existing too. And they reached out to me! So i did my best to console them while keeping my distance. I didn't confront them. I was kind but kept it minimal. Eventually it just petered off as they started getting better but i never saw them with the group again. Two of my work colleagues had become the best friends I'd ever had in my life by that point. Checking on me, taking me for coffee, having real conversations. Then it was gigs and the theatre and getting smashed and laughing, no care to take 100 pics for insta. Filled my heart and taught me I can be loved and cared for. The original group abandoned me for something beyond my control. Its a THEM problem not a ME problems. Now I don't miss them at all.

[u/Girlg0yle]

God, I hate this for you. I was in a similar boat in college and it was awful. good riddance! you'll find your people.

[u/xadonn]

Honestly this mean girl behavior. Ghost them all and be LOUD about why. Don't let them off the hook by staying silent on why you aren't friends anymore to your family. Anyone who cares for you will be pissed and also never talk to them again.

I assume your in USA because this seems to be a very uniquely car based problem that wouldn't happen in other countries because we view being able to travel as a moral code. If you can't drive its because
"you are a bad person who doesn't care about others" because after I moved to a really big town with actual public transportation, I stopped feeling this pressure. You're friends legit probably talked smacked on you for not owning a car. As if you were as bad as someone who actively abused them.

[u/anon12873629]

been in this situation before :( not very fun i’m sorry

[u/Sea-Astronomer-6600]

Group chats suck anyway. Hugs

[u/HarbingerShiny]

None of those girls are your friend. Friends dont do that shit. I know this is easier said than dont but they showed you they arent worth your time. Don't dwell on the why it will drive you mad, you already got closure they are shitty people. Now focus on whats important, YOU.

[u/throwaway42840284]

this happened to me too, just a week after we all had brunch together. it was my birthday that week and usually the group chat would say something for each person’s birthday, but nobody did. a couple of them texted me 1:1 but then they never spoke to me again. it hurts a lot and i’m sorry, we don’t need this mean girl school drama in our lives

[u/boxesofrain1010]

This exact same thing happened to me. I had had my suspicions they had made a separate group chat, but then it was (accidentally) confirmed by a friend.

I'm so sorry, OP. I would maybe just keep my distance from them for now. It's such a shitty thing.

Sending hugs, if you'd like one💜

[u/precise-astrology]

girl, that is not your tribe.

[u/littlekikibear]

oh man, i’m sorry girl. my friend group i had all growing up did this when I went to college. we’ve all gotten married by this point, and I’m the only one who was not invited to theirs. i’m not on social media anymore… there are more friends to be made in adulthood, one has to hope.

[u/CommaGirl]

This post made it to the main page of Reddit. How delicious if they recognized the similarities and discovered that everybody thinks they’re the villains.

[u/Haunting-Pickle-5551]

Almost an identical thing happened to me. I actually mourned that friend group like a breakup after, because to me it was over from there. I’m so sorry this happened to you ❤️

[u/a_bottle_of_you]

Sorry to hear this, friend. Same thing happened to me with my core group of friends from childhood. Exactly as you said, I was "phased out" by them starting with creating a group chat without me. They still do things together without me and even though it's been a few years at this point, it still hurts me to no end. I'm sorry you're going through this because I know it hurts so much. 💔

[u/Straight_Border_965]

Leave the group and keep your distance. Those are definitely not your friends.

I was in a similar position, someone asked about our friends fiancé (she was getting married and we didn’t really know him which is normal in our culture), then someone corrected her and said that she had posted the question in the wrong GC. 

I just left because I’m not about to play those games. Life is too short to be with people who don’t like you and don’t beg for friends. 

[u/Icy_Queen_99]

Those people are not your friends. The fact that they even thought to make a separate group chat under the guise of saying that they only did it so you wouldn’t feel left out even though it’s EXACLTY what they did is a load of crap. find better people to hang out with.

[u/dogoscope]

it's wild how this happens to so many people. I thought it was a young person thing, but a couple of years ago I found out that a good friend of mine was turning me down to do things but would then do things with another of our "friends". Hurt like hell but I just stopped with her. I'm sorry you went through this OP, just know it isn't you, this is a universal pain.

[u/SnippySnapsss]

I’m so sorry. My friend group of nearly 20 years booted me out via text a couple of years ago for not being available enough (we all have kids and life at the time was very busy). There was one person behind it, but they all went along with it. It was heartbreaking and I have done my best to move along. Sometimes the people you think love you unconditionally end up being assholes. 

[u/Accurate_Lead7698]

Oh hell nah, I’d drop them. They seem fake as fuck.

https://giphy.com/gifs/9ggLy718x0TOU

[u/LooseyPoopy]

You can leave a group chat yourself - then they can have two group chats without you.

Me? I’d throw it out there -

“since I’m obviously only your friend when yall feel like I am - I’m just going to make it easier on all of you - peace out - may all your condoms and heels break and all your hotels beds give you crabs. “

[u/Realistic_Archer_496 → u/LooseyPoopy]

That’s too much. Just leave the chat. “xxx has left the group chat” is a statement in itself.

[u/Public_Job9786]

Girlie, they are not concerned about you as a true friend would be. I’m so sorry. You deserve infinitely better. I would cut them all off and make new friends (don’t even keep hanging out with them, they’ve been betraying you for months)
Bumble has an app for making friends, maybe look into that or something similar.

[u/SadCollegeAlien]

Yeah sorry hun I had a similar experience with my childhood friend group k-12 and it hurt bad but people that act like that are NOT your friends. Even the one you regularly hang out with. Sadly I say move on and let them be close. Explain your feelings to the one friend and dip. You’re completely right about the phasing out.

[u/SweetSoundOfSilence]

My family did that with me. I finally had them put me in the group chat and they created a new one without me. Sucks

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/SweetSoundOfSilence]

Your FAMILY? 😭

[u/SweetSoundOfSilence → u/Klutzy_Drag_736]

Yep. Dad, stepmom and 3 siblings. 😭
No matter who it is, it hurts. I’m sorry you’re going through that

[u/Klutzy_Drag_736 → u/SweetSoundOfSilence]

That sucks... I'm so sorry.

I remember years ago while I was broke and in college, my stepmom called me out of the blue and said "surprise! Pack your bags, we're going to Jamaica!" I was like "omg wow really?! When?" Then she said...

"Next week :)"

Bruh. I was already scheduled to work at both jobs. I had summer classes that were condensed and super fast paced. Even missing a week would almost certainly make me fail. I also didn't have a passport, which costs like $150 I think and takes up to 8 weeks to get one. It would have been impossible for me to go. I expressed all of this to her and she got all huffy and upset like "I was trying to surprise you and you just turned it into something negative! Now none of us are going to enjoy ourselves!" Sure, I'm sure you all will be SO miserable sipping your cocktails on the beach.

There's no way they hadn't had that vacation planned for at least two or three months. They never planned on me going, they just wanted to make it look like my busy schedule was to blame. Also, I never went on vacation growing up. It just wasn't a thing we did. I always thought it was because we were poor. But as soon as my dad remarried, he was doing the absolute most for his new wife and stepkids. They got a house, flashy cars, expensive clothes, put my step siblings in every activity they could do. Meanwhile I was working two jobs while in college full time and barely eating because I had exactly $37.50 a month for a grocery budget.

Family can be the worst.

[u/_jamesbaxter]

I’ve had this happen before and I used to have those plates 😭

Editing to add one person is the ringleader and they are jealous of you. Probably.

[u/badcandy7]

Oof, I've been there. It sucks so much. I hope you find people who appreciate and include you more ❤️

[u/LeasieLiu]

Same thing happened to me. I told them my dad had cancer and nobody said a word. When I found out about the other group chat soon after, I was done. My dad is still alive but the friendship is not.

[u/lemonchiffonlace]

been there, OP. multiple times, unfortunately, to the point where i feel like something is wrong with me. between group chats and discord servers, it seems im always on the outs, out-of-the-loop, messages ignored. in real life, sometimes “friends” make plans in front of me.

im similar to you in that i *also* wait to be invited to things or for people to offer rides and such. just out of politeness! not wanting to intrude or inconvenience. i consider myself a good friend, too. i worry this may make those like us easier to ignore, though i feel like a genuine friend wouldnt anyway? i feel like its easy to be considerate of others…

i hate feeling so unwanted. i hate feeling like i have to beg to be seen and heard. i hate finding myself in groups where no one cares whether or not im there.

i hope you find yourself among girls that treasure and cherish you, OP. you sound like a great friend yourself 💗

[u/Lucky_Concentrate557]

😭same thing happened w me, I had an internship over the summer and a girl i used to be best friends with turned the whole friend group against me. I found out they hung out without me on 2 seperate occasions when i could've definitely made it and blocked all of them 😛

[u/Professional-Sand-16]

Oh boy happened to me too. Found out cause one of them slipped up and talked about it. I didnt question but they knew I knew and somehow to appease or maybe they felt bad they made few group chats like permutation and combination thing. All those groups are inactive even the main one. The one where I am not on is the place they gossip, give their life updates and what-not. I am always the last one to find out. I slowly have been distancing myself from that group cause i am not going to beg someone to be my friend if they just see me as a mantle piece in a group setting. I have other better things to do.

[u/Electrical-Rip-7100]

I’m so sorry. That’s rough and heartbreaking. Sadly, I agree with others about withdrawing from that group. True friends keep the OG group chat regardless of who can/can’t make it because we’re all adults who understand circumstances and situations arise. Doesn’t mean someone should be excluded. 😢

[u/Swmboa]

So sorry this is happening. It’s so unnecessary and the “protect your feelings” excuse seems disingenuous. Shouldn’t you have the choice every time? Inclusion should be the goal. Sorry it is not for that group. That says a lot about them and nothing about you. But it still hurts. So sorry!

FWIW, this exact thing happened in a group with my girlfriends about 5 years ago. Some had commented that we were “the popular group” in our medium-small town. The excluded one was my best friend in the group. At first we just hung out with each other and I went to about 2-3 more dinners/parties with the group. That gradually changed to us hanging out with 2 different friends, then 2 of the original group started coming with us… to whole new group.

That left the 3 who decided to exclude the one, and 2-ish others in the original group. The 3 exclusionary ones went on a trip with their husbands and kids over spring break 1 1/2 years later and had such squabbling over silly things like where to eat and what activities to do that they are not even friends anymore. Like don’t speak to each other at all. Imagine that. They turned on each other when they didn’t have easier victims. It shows who the real problem is, and from the sound of it, it is not you.

Anyway—our new group has zero drama and a lot of love. Just support and friendship.

I think maturity makes people realize being “in the group” is not worth it sometimes, especially when the group allows exclusion rather than seeking inclusion.

Keep the friends who reach out to you. Work on individual relationships with them and other friends. Rewards will likely flow from that.

I hope there is a similar light at the end of your tunnel as there was for me and my (the excluded) friend. You deserve it! I have to believe it will since you are not the puppeteer who is excluding people.

Hugs!!

[u/wilderbling]

Literally the exact same thing just happened to me for pretty much the same reason. It crushed me.

[u/twilightpixel]

Is funny how this happens so often. I feel this pain I tried to never ask for rides and would take multiple buses to hang out with people because I didn’t want to inconvenience them…. Just to see one day on facebook they were celebrating friend I brought into group on popular ave I lived 10 minute walk from. Sometimes people just aren’t your friend. Is sad but rather have no friends than people who can do that.

You deserve better Enjoy your art 🥰

[u/MajesticBlueUnicorn]

5 minutes away??!! That’s pathetic and literally she has no excuse

[u/Ok-Trainer3150]

I'm the kind of person who'd take the hint pretty quickly. There was no need not to include you in the group chat unless they didn't want you there. Read the room and gracefully let go of these people. Focus on developing new connections where you now live.

[u/nihilistlinguist]

for you and anybody else in this type of situation: it does suck and also it doesn't mean it is strategic. what you do next and how they respond makes a lot of difference, and I want to caution you from assuming its malicious right away. it could be! but people are thoughtless at times.

in your position, I'd send a message if the group chat u have access to and say something to the effect of "hey i heard from [local friend] that y'all have another group chat for making plans. it hurts to be left out like that. even if I can't make it, i want to decide that for myself. could someone add me to that chat?" if they do, and things change, you'll know they do still want you as a friend and value your feelings. if they don't add you or that chat goes silent after they do, you know the exclusion has been deliberate.

meanwhile, consider what it means that you usually need a ride from someone else to participate in those plans. are you offering your local friend gas money or something similar as thanks for the favor she's doing you? she might be resenting that you get to travel for free while she has to go out of her way to take you places (and also has to plan her arrival and leaving times not just for her own preferences but yours too). if you haven't been offering her something to thank her for the favor, maybe ask her if she wants that going forward. yeah it would be nice if she just said so herself but it may not have occurred to her that it is a problem influencing her behavior.