r/AbsoluteUnits • u/Apprehensive_Sky4558 • 2d ago

/r/all of a neck

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14.1k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

199 comments sorted by

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u/trendingtattler 2d ago

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1.2k

u/medic_farmer26 2d ago

Definitely a grower not a shower

168

u/PhD_Pwnology 2d ago

A biter, not a hider

49

u/TokyoKazama 2d ago

Beat me to it

55

u/chops351 2d ago

Beat my meat to it

16

u/Possible_Economy_139 2d ago

It bite my meat

3

u/HeldDownTooLong 1d ago

I agree and am impressed!

To add to this, people have lost fingers attempting to get hooks out of the mouths of snapping turtles.

They assume there’s no danger, reach close to the mouth, and the turtle’s instinctive reaction is to bite and eliminate the threat.

Consequently Mr. Turtle gets a finger snack and Mr. Fisherman becomes known as Mr. Stubby!

10

u/Lazy_meatPop 2d ago

That's what she said.

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469

u/Shadow-Seeker8 2d ago

127

u/Zamrayz 2d ago

Lmao this is exactly why this show portrayed them this way. They are indeed terrifying.

39

u/hannahneedle 2d ago

They didn't really exaggerate how horrifying this turtle is did they? It's a menace

7

u/Zauberer-IMDB 1d ago

What show?

30

u/CATZEBOY_18 1d ago

The amazing world of Gumball

27

u/XgreedyvirusX 2d ago

Now I understand that scene when she rip Gumball’s face XD

402

u/Master_Win_4018 2d ago

Instead of one of my finger, i think my whole arm might be gone if that thing bite me.

65

u/shinigami_inso 2d ago

Arm? More like body

65

u/Administrative_Yam32 2d ago

Body? More like mind and soul

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124

u/Fuze_KapkanMain 2d ago

Yo it’s Jeremy Wade

16

u/user8375064 2d ago

His reaction was just as showing. He knew the capability and kept his distance and calm composure lol f that

48

u/I_Stay_Home 2d ago

3

u/Gym6DaysAWeek 2d ago

I always wondered what this image is

13

u/Agreeable-Boat3509 2d ago

Its fatman from metal gear solid 2

5

u/Rough-Astronaut9255 2d ago

Birth of the sickness

4

u/The_Grungeican 2d ago

it's someone's uncircumcised wiener.

230

u/Bepehandle 2d ago

Little known fact, eels are actually land animals that grow shells. People think turtles are real but they're all born eels. Don't let big turtle fool you.

61

u/dzan796ero 2d ago

That's exactly what a snapping turtle would say....

19

u/[deleted] 2d ago

[deleted]

17

u/dwoo888 2d ago

What you mean? This is dog video.

5

u/Bepehandle 2d ago

Psh, this guy believes in dogs

5

u/Playful_Tower3853 2d ago

Deer are just Giraffes with stunted growth....

1

u/prismatic-colossus 2d ago

Behold, dog!

1

u/macumazana 2d ago

yo, dawg!

1

u/comebacklittlesheba 1d ago

Can I pet that dawg?😭

9

u/sillysammie13 2d ago

Please make stickers and magnets to support our worthy cause!!!!
I would happily buy and proudly display one!!! I am so tired of Big Turtle and the wool it holds over everyone’s eyes.

3

u/Bepehandle 2d ago

Added to the todo list.

4

u/sillysammie13 2d ago

Let me know where to buy when you’ve done it

1

u/nwo90 2d ago

You mean they born dinosaurs

1

u/Educational-Wing2042 2d ago

Common misspelling it’s actually turteels 

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71

u/Xissabel 2d ago

Daddy long neck

3

u/Evening_Lion_1911 1d ago

Perfect name for a gay porn star.

1

u/-BananaLollipop- 1d ago

Cobra turtle.

34

u/HumongousBelly 2d ago

Scary dinosaur

6

u/Royal_Bitch_Pudding 2d ago

Not a dinosaur, archosaur.

6

u/Odd_Narwhal_8545 2d ago

Not an archosaur, archelosaur

1

u/Royal_Bitch_Pudding 2d ago

Til, thank you

55

u/CriscoCisco671 2d ago

On my wife’s and my second date, back when we were still dating, I showed up after being bitten on the index finger by a snapping turtle at work. At the time, I was an underground utility inspector, and this dusty-looking turtle and I crossed paths inside a storm drainpipe.

For some reason I felt pity for the homie, so I reached into my back pocket, pulled out a plastic bottle of water, and tried to give it a drink from 3ft above it. Apparently, the turtle did not appreciate my hospitality. The turtle had a longer neck and launch speed than I anticipated.

Later that night, the southern waitress at Applebee's roasted me throughout the entire date for getting bitten by a turtle. In my defense, the turtles where I come from are chill and don’t have attitudes.

10

u/Deaffin 1d ago

At least it was a snapping turtle.

I still have a scar on the tip of my index finger from getting bitten by a box turtle over 20 years ago.

Try having to explain that you got rekt by the most iconically chill local turtle there is. Even if you manage to convince people they're capable of that kind of damage after seeing videos of them struggling to eat a strawberry, people are just going to pivot to "Well, what were you doing to that poor little thing to get it to do that to you?" Nobody will trust you again.

6

u/reddit_give_me_virus 1d ago

I grew up around snapping turtles, it's obvious the waitress has never encountered one. They are lighting fast and their necks are pretty much the length of their shell.

The only place you can grab them and they can't bite you is the back of their shell. I recently learned from another reddit post that it is painful for them to be lifted like that.

4

u/CriscoCisco671 1d ago edited 1d ago

I grew up around sea turtles in Guam, so all my past turtle friends love head pats and shell rubs.

1

u/Rampantshadows 1d ago

In your defense, snapping turtles and soft shell turtles insanely long necks.

47

u/nmheath03 2d ago

This kinda thing made it super easy for me to recognize how turtles are the closest living relatives to plesiosaurs

11

u/dufo7 2d ago

Thats a fucking tEELtle

14

u/DivusSentinal 2d ago

Mates a grower, not a shower

5

u/snowfloeckchen 2d ago

Alligators at least get the respect they deserve

4

u/IncognitoRedMode 2d ago

And here I thought dinosaurs had gone extinct...

4

u/Kn0XIS 2d ago

I'm good

2

u/UserContentBuffering 2d ago

Actual depiction of myself anytime I watch my wife change out of her clothes.

2

u/Vulvas_n_Velveeta 2d ago

This is surprisingly wholesome 🥰

4

u/PrimodiumUpus 2d ago

Is that Jeremy the legendary Wade?!

2

u/FlagrantTomatoCabal 2d ago

Rivah monstah

5

u/majesticGumball 2d ago

I should call him.

3

u/doctordog88 2d ago

bro almost lost a finger

2

u/Rare_Steak_ 2d ago

Looks like bro is Jeremy Wade from River Monsters, I'm pretty sure he knows what he is doing.

2

u/Umbreon86 2d ago

Those are dangerous animals, be careful.

2

u/CannonFoddererer 2d ago

I guess McConnell is alive

2

u/OverallShirt6573 2d ago

What a snapper

2

u/Suspicious_North6119 2d ago

Was that Jeremy Wade?

2

u/sweetasatea 2d ago

Bro is 10% head, 20% shell, and 70% pure, unadulterated neck. Absolute unit of an accordion.

2

u/po1k 2d ago

Fish on fish on, Jeremy Jeremy

2

u/chuco915niners 2d ago

My spirit dick animal

2

u/TheAurigauh 2d ago

WHOOOOA

2

u/gmatic92 2d ago

I should call him

2

u/-Sinn3D- 2d ago

That is Jeremy Wade aka the real Ash Ketchum. He literally caught them all on River Monsters so the show ended lol. At least it looks like him

1

u/Capt-Spiff 2d ago

Noted.

1

u/Sockenkatze 2d ago

I first thought it was a eel

1

u/yuripussylicker 2d ago

Well, that's enough to know, I wouldn't touch that

1

u/Important-Fudge4462 2d ago

Florida softshell turtle?

1

u/ImaTauri500kC 2d ago

....Not surprising when you think about their primordial kin that have been scrapping with boney fishes and crocodiles.

1

u/CakeMadeOfHam 2d ago

Nice to see proof that Mitch McConnell is actually alive

1

u/FaithlessnessBorn266 2d ago

That a fucking alien. I don't wanna hear any fucking differently

1

u/Komursiyahcelik 2d ago

My lord, a snappin TURLA

1

u/Jealous_Macaroon4308 2d ago

How are they gonna unhook the hook

1

u/YooGeOh 2d ago

Foreskin Turtle

1

u/Local_Village_1378 2d ago

Be a good bit of meat there tbh

1

u/Earrhur 2d ago

Definitely a grower

1

u/trashbanned1t 2d ago

Hungry hungry turtles?

1

u/Dizzy-Elk-3090 2d ago

bro it's definitely a grower not a shower and even the bot knows this belongs on r/all lol

1

u/AshtonVoid 2d ago

Holy hell and here I thought goblin sharks were peak freaky

https://giphy.com/gifs/Wsg3Xw4Bcp3aM

1

u/spyguy318 2d ago

Snapping turtles are MEAN and have way longer necks than you think. It’s also why it’s important to be able to distinguish between different species of snappers, as some of them are able to completely whip their head around and bite you even if you’re holding the side of their shell or behind their head. The only safe place to hold them is on the back half of their shell. Other species (like the alligator snapping turtle) have shorter necks so you can hold them behind their head.

Though honestly it’s probably best to never try and handle a snapper. It’s not worth risking your fingers.

1

u/JoltyKorit 2d ago

So he is alive!

1

u/PMmeIamlonley 2d ago

That is the scariest thing he ever caught. I can't imagine how many people those things have bitten who thought they were far enough away 

1

u/Afilador2112 2d ago

I'm  just going to tell myself that was AI so I can sleep at night.

1

u/Early-Accident-8770 2d ago

Jeremy didn’t wear his best T-shirt for that clip

1

u/Choice-Curve3340 2d ago

Was that Jeremy Wade?

1

u/LemonHerb 2d ago

I would have just cut that line and let it go. Fuck trying to get that hook out

1

u/TheSumOfMyScars 2d ago

That's why I tell people not to put anything near the business-end of a snapper that you aren't comfortable losing. Even if you grab 'em by the ass, that neck of theirs is long enough for them to bite your fingers off.

1

u/IngotTheKobold 2d ago

At first I was on the "nope" side of the fence, then I recognized who that was and audibly said "Oh, Jeremy Wade, now it makes sense"

1

u/InevitableFly 2d ago

He’s a grower not a shower

1

u/CornCobOverlord 2d ago

Does it have a hook in its mouth? It be havin a hauwk iners mouf?

1

u/Buttsmooth 2d ago

those things are so gross man

1

u/WankelsRevenge 2d ago

Fun fact. Here in Florida we're more scared of snapping turtles then actual alligators

1

u/justheretolaughatppl 2d ago

This is why I eat turtle soup guilt free

1

u/UniqueLog8386 2d ago

And that's why you should never piss near a snapping turtle.

1

u/Sea_Cable7638 2d ago

That's what she said.

1

u/QuillDidNothingWrong 2d ago

Good to see Mitch McConnell is still alive and active. 

1

u/MaintenanceOwn2635 2d ago

Holy shit , I didn't know that turtle can evolve his or her neck extend damn

https://giphy.com/gifs/bGPTxLislwm3u

1

u/Emotional_Mammoth_65 2d ago

Mitch is alive

1

u/lmperador9 2d ago

😳😳😳😳😳

1

u/SelfSubstantial7143 2d ago

Goodness gracious that's big ole granddaddy snappin turtle 😳 bet lives off of deer that get to close to the water

1

u/Fornaughtythings123 2d ago

Since no one has mentioned what it is, its an Indian soft shell turtle from the river monsters episode killer catfish.

1

u/Sad_Cantaloupe_8162 1d ago

I would love to see an x-ray of a soft shelled turtle folded up and then extended.

1

u/Unlucky_Weekend7905 1d ago

My fear of going into murky bodies of water aside from clear ones...this can chomp your leg off 😱

1

u/Hobbes_XXV 1d ago

Is chef ramsey doing wildlife docs now?

1

u/Benjiyanyi 1d ago

Can’t even trust a tortoise now, what have become of our lives?

1

u/Gee_U_Think 1d ago

That thing had recoil.

1

u/themattsquared 1d ago

Everyone is mentioning snapping turtles but this is a soft shell turtle from I believe China

1

u/-Bro_Beans- 1d ago

Just like my penis

1

u/LumpyWorldliness1411 1d ago

Get thee behind me Satan

1

u/IceColdJaderade 1d ago

Reminds me of the queen metroid's extending attack in Metroid II.

1

u/AlienZiim 1d ago

Thrrrrooooaattt gooooooaaaattt

1

u/Sample_Text_1173 1d ago

I don't think turtles have the terrifying reputation that they should have, like, a lot of them are genuinely horrifing and the thought of accidentally stepping on one while on fresh water is a very real worry.

1

u/VeterinarianComplex 1d ago

Is that snapping turtle?

1

u/Maleficent_Kale_1286 1d ago

S.O.B!! Is that thing real??!

1

u/Wonderful-Leopard-14 1d ago

I wonder how a anaconda would react - like bro where did you get that hoodie

1

u/Torasin_Sul 1d ago

Ambush predators that outlived the dinosaurs,

1

u/BioMass321 1d ago

Is this that guy from r/notinteresting with the sunburn?

1

u/garycantbefound 1d ago

He's a grower not a shower

1

u/Chill_Capybara_09 1d ago

What is Jeremy up to these days?

1

u/icyheartsreddit 1d ago

Chiropractors, holding a Y strap: oh shi-

1

u/tbell713 1d ago

Is that a snapping turtle or a plesiosaurus…or AI?

1

u/MovingOnUp777 1d ago

Its like wat my peen does when i see a hottie.

1

u/boyweevil 1d ago

Can someone give me context? Dude is shouting and excited by the fact there is a big stone there? Why is that meaningful and does it relate at all to the turtle?

1

u/Son_of_Tlaloc 1d ago

Nothing fucking worse than having to unhook a turtle.

1

u/LDW1383 1d ago

Oh yeah snapping turtles are fucking terrifying because of how long their necks are and how hard of a bite they have

1

u/Ok_Ferret1107 21h ago

That boi’s got more neck meat than Mitch McConnell’s cold, dead corpse

1

u/Infinite-Rub8840 11h ago

Good Lord. What turtle/ tortoise is that?

0

u/Beowulf44 2d ago

Is that a mata mata?