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u/squirrelmonkie 1d ago
Distance or volume?
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u/droplightning 1d ago
Yes
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u/Loquacious-of-Borg 1d ago
I am ashamed to say my Aunt Ruth won last year's event in the 2nd round.
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u/lostalaska 1d ago
Coming from a long line of loggers I'm going to assume there is competition for how quickly you can cut your shit in half with your stream of piss after pooping. Not all of us come from elite families that owned familial poop knives, some of us had to cut our logs down to size without the aid of a fancy poop knife and a competition to find who is the best in the world at this, well that just intrigues me. Now if you combine this with the largest "Couric", because someone needs to beat Bono's 9.5 Couric record and cutting that size of a log, well that's a loggers dream.
PS> The logger thing is an old South Park Joke. Also, in case it's somehow needed "j/k"
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u/davisyoung 1d ago
The German version involves two toilets. You go in one, then halfway through you switch to the other. The winner is whoever can get as close as they can for their two toilets to weigh the same.
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u/OldeFortran77 1d ago
Go big or go home!
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u/fridgefixer 21h ago
Last call, gentlemen. Last call. All the pretty girls have already picked someone else. Go big or go home.
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u/marvinrabbit 17h ago
That's a common misunderstanding... It's as close to straight on as possible.
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u/boondoggie42 1d ago
Welcome... to BattleShits.
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u/justelectricboogie 1d ago
YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIT!!!
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u/danhoyuen 1d ago
Funny enough that scene was about taco shit. And there is a taco bell related hiaherra virus going around now.
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u/Crabby_Monkey 20h ago
Taco Bell would of course be the primary sponsor of the Battleshits league.
“When the battle is coming ring the Bell!”
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u/Mike9797 1d ago
“We just got to bear down, we’ve really been struggling to make a good push, hopefully in the end we are able to make the movements we can to take control of this thing. We have been backed up in the middle all day so hopefully we can squeak this one out and come away with the prize”
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u/Crystalas 1d ago
That phrase reminds me Gintama had a battle like that. Three mortal enemies stuck in a public bathroom with severe indigestion and no toilet paper in any of their stalls. Overanalyzing and strategizing on who will get better, or accept the shame, first to take advantage of the vulnerablity of the others.
...ya Gintama was ridiculous nothing off limits and somehow switch from top tier action, emotional arcs, and wide variety of types of humor. Wish I could rewatch it but kind of hard to commit to a show that long, short arcs and huge cast so it stays fresh, as an adult when most of it is only subtitled.
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u/joestaff 1d ago
If you aren't taking each and every one of your shits like your reputation is staked on it, then you're slacking.
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u/Greekphysed 1d ago
The fact that there is a curtain ruins it. You should be able to look at your opponent in their eyes as you're dropping the heat.
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u/smokeeater150 1d ago
Longest stream, smelliest bog, most interesting shit-spray pattern. I need to know the disciplines!
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u/KokonutMonkey 1d ago
Tell me more about the scoring criteria. Is it all objective measures like track and field, or are there artistic elements like figure skating?
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u/Omegasedated 1d ago
Competitive Pooping does some like extreme sports.
so many categories. I'm staying away from the sprint section.
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u/DieAloneWith72Cats 1d ago
I’m not sure what the competition is, but my husband would win.
He has IBS, lactose intolerance, loves spicy foods, and drinks alcohol. He also gives zero fucks about the recommendations from doctors.
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u/Sufficient-Aspect77 1d ago
Well I just watched the documentary "Tickled" last night. About Competition tickling(well it's kinda about that).
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u/MoeSzyslakMonobrow 1d ago
I'm just a casual shitter. I don't have time for ranked competitive shitting.
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u/Trick-Range-350 1d ago
You get points for rounds per minute, distance and bonus points for artistic impression.
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u/goodBEan 1d ago
I am going to need a Pro toilet, my amateur toilet just cant keep up, it just cracks to easily
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u/Ok_Culture_1914 1d ago
That's it I said I'll be back. The pants are off and I am now ready for the competition.
Yours faithfully : THE TURDINATOR.
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u/okokokoyeahright 1d ago
What is the situation for these on Polymarket and Kalshi?
Anybody putting some serious money down?
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u/Ok-Rich-3812 1d ago
Girth, length, and stench. All entries remain the property of the contest organisers.
To be recycled into politicians.
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u/HeatRealistic6521 1d ago
Is it like a timed event competition? Because i can just go and wipe and i am done .
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u/Working-Albatross-19 1d ago
“That’s a perfectly executed handstand, not only difficult to perform but also extremely difficult to aim, you don’t often see it in competition”
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u/ddmj4884 1d ago
This reminded me of the Family Guy cutaway when Peter and Michael Moore fart dueling banjos in the bathroom stalls!
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u/MadJohnFinn 1d ago
I have Crohn's disease. I'd be so good at competitive shitting - as long as the shit isn't being graded on looks.
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u/JayGerard 1d ago
If it were televised, you would surely get tired of watching that crap.
I'll see myself out...
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u/Plus-King5266 1d ago edited 1d ago
Tonight on ESPN 8: Competitive Outhouse. See it only on The Ocho. 10 PM/9 Central.
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u/Big77Ben2 1d ago
I’ve got a champion deuce on deck, and I’m happy to have a referee accompany me to verify ny claim.
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u/Goatyyy32 11h ago
Tonight on Battle Shits: Big Randy takes on John "Corndog" Johnson in what could be a match for the ages
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u/MTBrains 1d ago
Wait, crapper competition, battle of the bow(e)ls, participation pusher? Do people have strategies or the shitters?
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u/sapntaps 22h ago
Is this at a cyclo-whatever parasite spreading championship? Cause that’ll be a legendary competition
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u/weinricm 20h ago
Are we talking speed, mass, length, distance to the toilet, flammability, flow time. I need to know the deets
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u/RipVanWiinkle_ 12h ago
I once shat a massive long log. At least 3-4 feet
I don’t even know how I physically carried that entire shit
It’s like I cleaned out my entire intestine in one long squat.
I’ve never shat like that since
I’d love to know how tho, it’s nice feeling light
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u/WorldGoneAway 12h ago
I wish to participate in the pooping Olympics. I shit so frequently and in so many different forms, that it boggles modern science. My butt hole should have a Smithsonian exhibit dedicated to it. 😐
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u/FriendsWasNice 1d ago
It won't' catch on because politicians, massively full of shit, will win every year.
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