A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m a divorce lawyer.”

She tries to let go a squeaker but instead lets loose a loud, hearty blast.

The entire bus goes silent, and the embarrassed woman desperately tries to think of something to say to the man sitting next to her.

"Um ... do you have a transfer ticket?" she finally asks.

"No, I don't," he replies. "But when we pass the next tree, I'll try to grab you a handful of leaves."

Said she was sick of me.

When you put you ear next to it, you can smell the ocean.

Nice belt!

I’m going to try and win her back.

He placed four worms in four separate jars

The first worm was put into a jar of Jack Daniels.

The second worm was put into a container filled with cigarette smoke. 

The third worm was put into a container of Hershey's chocolate syrup. 

The fourth worm was put into a container of pure, clean soil. 

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

First worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke.....Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup.....Dead.

Fourth worm in clean soil......ALIVE!

So, the Minister asked the congregation, "What does this demonstration teach us?"

A 70 year-old lady sitting in the back raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you'll never get worms."

A young woman tells her mother she is marrying a Greek man.

Her mother is horrified, and warns her, "Oh, honey, don't do that. Greek men only like to enter through the back door, if you know what I mean. It's a cultural thing." "Promise me," her mother says, "if he ever tries to 'roll you over' during sex, you'll come straight home to Mama."

The daughter tries to brush it off, but Mama won't budge. Finally, the bride to be gives in and promises.

The couple gets married, and goes on their honeymoon. The girl calls her mother every day, and raves about what a great lover her new husband is. This keeps up when they get home, and the new bride is ecstatic with happiness and sexual satisfaction.

One night, six months later, after a rigorous bout of lovemaking, the man nudges her for another round. He murmurs in her ear, "this time, let me roll you over." The woman bursts into tears. She jumps out of bed and starts packing a bag. "I'm going home to Mama! She warned me about marrying you!" she wails.

Her husband tries to console her, and urges her back to bed. "But honey," he says, "don't you ever want to have a baby?"

Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

The parasite replies, "Well you're not a very good host."

Like, when I am backing out of parking space, the dashboard plays a video of a person getting run over by a car.

Velcrows

He saw the snowblower.

A tourist group is walking around an old Western town, back in the days before cell phones. They’re seeing the sights, having a good time, but eventually, they realize they have to head back to their bus soon, but no one knows what time it is. They see an old man, sitting quietly in the shade, next to a donkey. One of the tour group walks over and asks “Excuse me, do you know what time it is?”

The old man reaches up, lifts the donkey’s testicles, and says “1:33”.

The tourist is flabbergasted, and runs back to the group, telling them what he just witnessed. Another man doubts his story, and decides to see for himself. He goes over and asks “excuse me, do you have the time?”

Once again, the old man reaches up, lifts the donkey’s testicles, and says “1:35”.

The man runs back to the group, completely shocked. Finally, another man walks over and says “excuse me, sir? How do you do that?”

The old man looks up at him, and then beckons him down to his level. He then reaches up, lifts up the donkey’s testicles, and points.

“Clock tower.”

Before I’d even opened the calculator app, I checked my email, updated my Instagram, and hit a cyclist.

Both bottled in Atlanta

One smells of fish & has a mustache and the other ones a walrus

A rabbit was hopping through the jungle, unbelievably horny, but couldn't find another rabbit anywhere.

After a while, he spotted a female elephant standing in a stream, peacefully drinking water.

The rabbit thought, "Well... that'll do!"

He scrambled up her leg, climbed onto her back, and started going at it.

Up in a nearby tree, a monkey had been watching the whole thing and was laughing so hard he could barely breathe.

Wanting to stir things up even more, the monkey grabbed a coconut and hurled it at the elephant's head.

THUNK!

Startled, the elephant threw her trunk into the air and let out an enormous scream.

Without missing a beat, the rabbit yelled:

"Hurts, doesn't it?!"

I'd never been in so much pain.

A man who has been in a mental institution for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist who headed the institution with commendable caution decided however to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "If we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?"

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work and weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvellous," said the psychiatrist.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate, "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in developing a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the psychiatrist.

"Then again I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"It's an interesting possibility," said the psychiatrist.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

The hills are alive with the sound of music!