What's the most brutally savage one- or two-line roast you've ever heard that made someone go completely silent?

[u/kamal_dot_one_ai]

[u/Fiireygirl]

Surgery RN here.
I once had a senior resident tell a junior resident that “Working with him was like working alone, but harder”.

[u/nico735 → u/Fiireygirl]

When a fellow researcher was asked if he needed any help he answered “thanks, but I don’t have enough time for you to help me “, that had to have hurt!

[u/OkSecretary1231 → u/nico735]

Long ago when I worked at a well-known fast food chain, the franchise owner was like this. He owned something like 10 stores, and once in a while he liked to stop by one and "work" during the lunch rush. He'd show up in like nice business casual, and you had to pretty much just work around him, because he didn't know how to make any of the food.

[u/Scorpy-yo → u/OkSecretary1231]

Seagull bosses. Occasionally they fly in unexpectedly, squawk annoyingly, fly around and shit on everything, then disappear.

[u/punctuation_welfare → u/Scorpy-yo]

I have one of these exactly. He’s the owner of the restaurant. He’s never worked in food service before. Tends to show up when we’re busiest, stand in the most inconvenient place possible, and bitch about things that don’t matter. Then he leaves, and the rest of us continue to do our jobs well.

[u/ArcadianDelSol → u/punctuation_welfare]

I worked as a server when singer Andy Williams opened a restuarant in Branson, MO.

Our first health inspection was 98 (which is an AMAZINGLY GOOD score, btw) and he called an all hands meeting himself (he was never at the restaurant) to scream and yell for almost 2 hours that our next one better be absolutely perfect.

I got up and left to the sound of him calling "Young man! Young man?" as I walked out. Never went back.

[u/No_Location_5963 → u/punctuation_welfare]

Oh god if I had a nickel. Bonus points if they have a group of freeloading friends who always come sniffing around hoping to get freebies bc theyre such good friends with the owner.

[u/Willing-Cucumber-595 → u/nico735]

I have said that before, but my point was more to the intent of ... "by the time I get you up to speed on the details, it will be almost complete."

[u/BasroilII → u/Willing-Cucumber-595]

I have to say this to people far too often.

"Well then cross train me!"

"I did, six months ago, and you forgot it all. Also you could just read the clear and precise steps in documentation that I told you about in training but we both know you won't read that and will just have me spend hours walking you through it all. Again."

[u/Airwwwwalker → u/BasroilII]

This is every IT person's life in one comment. Write the docs, nobody reads them, then they blame you for not helping.

[u/YWNBAW12345 → u/Airwwwwalker]

Or the instructions become outdated before you've even finished writing them.

[u/Seven_bushes → u/Willing-Cucumber-595]

I used something similar to this. An older, supposedly experienced vendor contractor being paid to help me with a big project had no clue how to do most things. She came to me once and asked what she could do to help and I asked if she knew how to do a certain task. She told me no, but if I’d teach her she could help. I told her in the time it would take for me to teach her I’d already be done with it. I was the only one working on this huge project which is why we paid the vendor for someone to help.

Later one of my coworkers stopped by and asked what I had said to the contractor so I told her the story and asked why. Apparently the contractor was in her cube crying.

In my review with my boss that year, she mentioned that I needed to work on my interpersonal skills and asked if I knew what that meant. I told her that if she meant I expected people we were paying a lot of money to help do a job to actually know what they were doing and help, then I agreed with that evaluation. She gave me one of those blank stares and seemed to be processing it, then said alright then, and that was it.

[u/Crack4SuperHans → u/Fiireygirl]

I was working on a film set and a guy was screwing around while we were trying to get something done and another coworker said to him “having you here is like losing two good people”.

[u/Oberon_Swanson → u/Crack4SuperHans]

It is such a relief when the co-workers like that leave. Addition by subtraction.

[u/Bazrum → u/Crack4SuperHans]

I was minding my own business at work one day when my boss saw another worker leaving, turned to me, and said “finally, he’s gone and we can actually do some fucking work around here.”

I noticed no difference, because I’m the only one who does my particular job, but okay I guess

[u/FriendsEverywhere → u/Fiireygirl]

Surgery resident here, my favorite has been "Are you working for the disease or against it?"

[u/Fiireygirl → u/FriendsEverywhere]

🤣
I’ve also been told “Please, stop helping”

[u/FriendsEverywhere → u/Fiireygirl]

We were lightheartedly harassing one of our second year residents who was taking forever to close by telling him that the macrophages were winning.

[u/anyd → u/Fiireygirl]

I'm a bartender. I had to have a conversation with management about a coworker once. It was along the lines of "I'd be faster alone and therre won't be any broken glasses."

[u/Kindly_Guitar_2503 → u/anyd]

I once heard someone say to a server who had been working with us nearly a year "Do you ever get tired of being new here?"

[u/parkingfinance_ → u/Fiireygirl]

a coworker told our boss 'you've got the management style of a hostage negotiator who forgot the hostage.' whole room went dead silent ngl

[u/Internal_Sound882 → u/Fiireygirl]

Yeahhh, there are new owners at my job, and while they try a lot more than the previous owner, they make so many arbitrary short sighted decisions that make it so much harder to do my job properly. I ended up venting to a coworker that while we used to not have enough management (/it tended to be foisted into me), now there is too much management and it’s…bad management. I’d much rather you leave me loose and alone to solve problems than actively tie my hands behind my back.

[u/ElliotNess → u/Internal_Sound882]

Venting to coworkers is risky. Never know who really wants a promotion.

[u/Internal_Sound882 → u/ElliotNess]

It’s returned to being a family business where promotions are realistically line locked. I was overheard by the family themself, but I’m a valuable enough asset as an employee, and said nothing inaccurate, and they couldn’t afford to do anything about it, except take a few of my notes. I’d tried to communicate some of these problems directly to them but was dismissed rather than heard. It’s actually infuriating and detrimental to only listen when you overhear someone venting and not consider what they bring to your face, but hey, like I said, a whole bunch of short sighted decisions.

[u/bitchfacevulture → u/Internal_Sound882]

This is pretty common with new business owners. They’ve invested so much they are scared and end up micromanaging the place into the ground.
On the other hand, I’m a supervisor and the sound judgment and problem solving/critical thinking abilities of my staff vary wildly. It takes a lot of time to make an assessment of an employee’s capability to be independent. I try to be very hands off and give them a lot of choice in how the day is going to go, but it ends up that most of them— Gen Z— come to my office relentlessly to ask me questions about the most mundane minutiae. I’m constantly trying to strike a balance between teaching them these skills without being condescending or hurting their feelings.

[u/Tennents_N_Grouse → u/Fiireygirl]

Some of the techs I had to train when I was working in Production Chemistry were basically this, ESPECIALLY the douche who thought he was hot shit cos he used to be president of the local University student association.

[u/noxxienoc → u/Fiireygirl]

Hahaha! I have definitely heard this said many ways. In June we get all these new residents and you can see the surgeons all losing their patience 🤣

[u/Fiireygirl → u/noxxienoc]

Right??!! And there’s been so many over the years. One that I’ve laughed at consistently has been “We’re here to help the patient. Why did you stop?” 🤣 or “why do you hate this patient today? You’re not trying to cure her with what you’re doing”

[u/Ms_Riley_Guprz]

"Oh, you really are like what people say about you"

[u/Coldin228 → u/Ms_Riley_Guprz]

This one wins. Dissing is one thing. Sowing doubt and paranoia about others is a psychological firebomb.

[u/Tolkeinn1 → u/Coldin228]

I do this all the time to coworkers as a gag, except the opposite. “Hey man, despite what everyone says about you I think you’re great!”

[u/skyguy10ply → u/Tolkeinn1]

I like doing the opposite. " I don't care what the other guys say about you, you're a fuckin asshole!"

[u/mydreamturnip]

My parents' house has this one sliding door between the living room and a couple back rooms, including an office that my brother uses. He is famous for never shutting the door, drives my Mom nuts. Anyways, one day he comes through and leaves it open again. My Dad says:

"Hey, that door ain't an asshole, you know. It doesn't just close automatically every time a piece of shit comes through."

He meant it as a joke, and we all laughed like hell when he said it.

[u/LokiBonk → u/mydreamturnip]

Epic.

[u/toastNcheeze → u/mydreamturnip]

I am laughing so hard at this. Your father has amazing wit

[u/gary_human]

Was a barman at a music venue and after this one band had finished their first 'song', a lone voice from the crowd called out; "was that on purpose?"

[u/Long_Whole_8062 → u/gary_human]

Play something you know!

[u/GrynaiTaip → u/gary_human]

There's a standup club near me, they often do open mic nights, lots of new guys there. Not all are good.

Somehow this tradition came about: if the new guy is boring, his setup for a joke is way too long and it isn't even funny, then people start slow-clapping. If the guy doesn't instantly get it, then the clapping gets faster and louder, then people start whistling and cheering, it's hilarious.

[u/gary_human → u/GrynaiTaip]

There was a comedian (I forget who) who recounted a gig where he was dying badly on stage when someone shouted from the crowd, "get off!"

The comedian spun round, ready to hit this hecker with his most withering put-down when he realised that the guy was blind, dark glasses the lot.

There was a moment's silence as the comedian tried to work out if he would lose the crowd if he used a devastating put-down here, which the blind guy ended by enquiring, "has he gone yet?"

[u/SidV69 → u/gary_human]

An Industrial band in the 90's, popular enough most people know them (Name seems like random letters but isn't). Was playing a club where a friend was the sound man.

After they'd unloaded the equipment they said they were headed out for drinks, and when should they be back for soundcheck. My buddy (who was also in a semi popular band at the time.) replied.

"your synthesizer is here. We shouldn't need you."

[u/ChuggaChuggaRiffs → u/SidV69]

KMFDM?

[u/smutketeer]

I'm adopted as my parents thought they couldn't conceive then they had two kids after me. One of my siblings was once giving me shit about being adopted and my mom said "Zip it, he's the only one we planned for. You're both accidents." Shut that shit down real fast lol.

[u/SLiverofJade → u/smutketeer]

Adopted, too. Once told my sibling, "They picked me out. They were stuck with you."

[u/MultipleHipFlasks]

Someone was telling me about they only get praise. I replied with "some people are too stupid to understand criticism" and they nodded sagely, as if they understood.

[u/martusfine → u/MultipleHipFlasks]

damn.

[u/brislykeki]

“I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.” The ultimate conversation stopper.

[u/MUI-VCP → u/brislykeki]

This is a quote from the movie Pressure

[u/Dangerous-Project672 → u/brislykeki]

I once said to someone “you just can’t handle hearing yourself described back to you”

[u/odgeweiser]

A supervisor in my office told a staff member “I’m not trying to be a dictator” and the staff member said “maybe not the tator part”.

[u/Flashy_Shopping_7371 → u/odgeweiser]

potatoes

[u/wildmaninid → u/odgeweiser]

I had a jerk off history teacher in high school and he would go on and on when teaching about dictatorships and how his classroom was akin to one.  

I said no, this is a penisspudboat.  

Got Saturday school for that one because it completely derailed the whole class.  

[u/Str8kush]

I used to be a manager at a sporting goods store. We had a guy named Will that was lazy as hell. One day I hear the old man from golf over the headset call him “Won’t” because he “won’t do a damn thing around here” and I died laughing.

[u/Geminii27 → u/Str8kush]

Where there's a Will there's a nay

[u/NirgalFromMars]

One I ran across on in Reddit, was a mother in AITA asking about resentment from her elder kid, because she had neglected him to take care of the two younger ones.

She spent multiple paragraphs describing the younger kids and their issues (gay boy, sensitive and artsy, with a homophobic father, and disabled girl with autism and constant meldowns), but just one sentence about the older kid ("just a regular boy into sports and school").

When she was called out about why she wasn't even giving him space and thought in a post about him, her answer was

"I had a character limit".

And one user just replied:

"Obviously."

I have never seen someone so effortlessly put down with a single word.

To top that, the post was 10% of the maximum length of an AITA post, so she was nowhere near the character limit.

Edit: link on the responses, and I had misremembered some stuff. It was the middle child the forgotten one, amongst other stuff.

[u/GraySwingline → u/NirgalFromMars]

I’ve long wondered if Steven ended up okay. 

I hope he found peace, and a better life where someone appreciated him. 

[u/NirgalFromMars → u/GraySwingline]

He should be 24 now. I hope he is.

[u/KittyScholar → u/NirgalFromMars]

If you can find the link, I’d like to read that post

[u/NirgalFromMars → u/KittyScholar]

Found it:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/d93rvC53WY

[u/hubertburnette → u/NirgalFromMars]

Oh. Wow. I hope she figured it out, but I doubt she did.

[u/putsch80 → u/hubertburnette]

The post reads like rage bait, so there was likely nothing for anyone to figure out. Just someone chumming the water in a sub where people are already primed to give opinions about others.

[u/DaagTheDestroyer]

Back when I was single, I was at work taking to a some managers about a job I was working on. One of the ladies from purchasing came into the office. She was pretty intolerable, and not well liked. In addition to being extremely stuck up and dramatic, she would write her entire emails in the subject line and it drove everyone crazy. She interrupted and started prying into details about my dating life. I was hesitant to share any details but she was insistent. I reluctantly told her I was single. She immediately insisted that I date her daughter. I politely declined but she wouldn't let it go. Finally she angrily asked why I don't want to date her daughter?! I calmly said, "Because I don't want you to be my mother in law."

My manager nearly fell over. She stood there absolutely stunned, jaw on the floor. After a long pause (meanwhile my manager is uncontrollably wheezing) she said, "I can tell you honestly mean that."

She turned around and left the office and I achieved legendary status that day.

[u/iscashstillking → u/DaagTheDestroyer]

I found the best way to deal with those subject line email idiots is to just join their stupidity - compose your reply as normal, then ctrl-C the entire body of it, ctrl-V to the end of their subject line, and hit send.

In my experience this approach puts a stop to that within one or two emails.

[u/Fit_Exercise7881 → u/DaagTheDestroyer]

I wish I could give you an award. 👏

[u/Daghain → u/DaagTheDestroyer]

That is an amazing response. OMG I'm dying!

[u/Magillionaire]

I remember hearing one years ago that said,

"I bet when people ask your parents about you, they change the subject."

[u/Pr0bl3mChild]

This is why everyone talks about you when you leave the room

[u/damndamndamndamndan → u/Pr0bl3mChild]

I go the other way. "Welcome back, we were all just talking about how much we like you."

[u/Bazrum → u/damndamndamndamndan]

Said that one time at an DnD game with some friends and the guy said “oh yeah? What do you like about me?”

And someone instantly said “well, your dick is huge for one”, and the guy blushed super hard lmao

[u/Android17infinibussy]

Once told a guy who was complaining about not having a girlfriend that "It's not enough to find women attractive. You have to like them too."

[u/Icy_Mango6803 → u/Android17infinibussy]

I love this one. So many relationship posts on Reddit boil down to "I don't like women, but I want one."

[u/Release-Fearless → u/Icy_Mango6803]

“I want a cum dumpster that doesn’t care when I ignore her but also is loyal and does everything i ask”

[u/Kathrynlena → u/Release-Fearless]

“And doesn’t nag at me about petty bullshit like wiping my ass properly or having a job.”

[u/PancakeLad → u/Kathrynlena]

The fact that “wiping your ass properly“ is a conversation some men need to have blows my mind.

[u/Kathrynlena → u/PancakeLad]

Swear to god the bar is in hell and these clowns brought shovels.

[u/Jojoyojimbi → u/Kathrynlena]

I used to do pretty well with the ladies when i was in the USMC and a few other guys asked one time what my secret was and i told them "I don't have the time, or the crayons to explain this in a way you'll understand. but try treating them like they're humans for a change instead of a game you're trying to win" it of course went clear over their heads and they continued to strike out with the ladies

[u/Grimmsticks2000 → u/Jojoyojimbi]

I'll try to find it, but one r/StoriesAboutKevin , or r/MilitaryStories , but I didn't save it. From memory.
Kevin is going for a promotion in his branch of the military, going from private (which he is underqualified for) up. He goes to the panel, they ask a basic question, he fucks it up.
Anyway, they bring in his sargeant. "Why did you reccomend him for promotion?" "Sir, the memo said *all* eligible"
"Describe him in your own words"
"Picture a room. 1 door, no windows. Put Private Kevin in the room, and a cat and a dog. Tell him he's to make sure the dog doesn't eat the cat for 5 minutes. Come back in a minute. The cat will be gone, the dog will be gone, there'll be a dead elephant and Private Kevin will have no clue what the fuck just happened"

[u/Thewal → u/Release-Fearless]

Man, it really took them a decade+ to boil that down to "trad wife" huh?

[u/whiskeytown79 → u/Icy_Mango6803]

"I want a manic pixie dream girl who is also my mom and my therapist. I don't want a partner who is a separate complete human with their own wants, needs, and ambitions in life."

[u/mostexcellent001]

"Hey there, has anybody told you what a great job you're doing? No? Well, you might want to think about that!"

[u/Routine-Argument485]

I envy the people who haven’t met you before.

[u/Gullex → u/Routine-Argument485]

Everyone who ever loved you was wrong.

[u/johnhenryc]

"I never forget a face. But for you, I'll make an exception." - Groucho Marx

[u/Odysseus_Lost_Again]

"I like how you don't let facts come in the way of your opinions".

[u/aint_exactly_plan_a → u/Odysseus_Lost_Again]

I always say "I admire how you never let your ignorance get in the way of your confidence"

[u/Ryuujin_13]

Woman was berating another woman at the grocery store because her kid (who honestly just looked tired and cranky, not really “bad”) was being loud and generally just being a kid. The woman with the child looked at her:

“Oh, hey, it’s been a while! How are you doing?”

The complainer: “Sorry, I don’t think we’ve met?”

“No? Really? Then don’t act like you fuckin’ know me.”

[u/PerfectLengthUserNam → u/Ryuujin_13]

As a parent, it's so comforting to see other people's kids throwing a fit. So nice to know it happens to (almost?) everyone.

I always give those other parents my most sympathetic smile and nod.

[u/HansoNijala]

Lady I knew was working in a male dominated blue collar industry in her 20s.

She had to ride a cramped industrial elevator with a crew of dudes every day and this guy named Rick would always be trying to chat her up.

One day she gets sick of it and says loud enough for everyone to hear

RICK DID YOU EVER CATCH THAT DOG?

WHAT DOG?

THAT DOG THAT SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH?

Uproarious laughter

[u/Scott-Cheggs → u/HansoNijala]

I had a pal in the army who told me he had been lying in bed talking to his wife & she cough spluttered & turned away from him and said, “Fuck’s sake John- have you been sucking farts out the dog’s arse?”

[u/Decent-Fall3438]

I sorta look like a hippie, and arrived at a party and heard an acquaintance of mine say to another, “I bet he’s so stoned right now.” The person that said it is rather large and overweight. I went up to him and told him, “C’mon man, I don’t automatically assume you’re hungry when I look at you.” We’ve actually become sorta buddies since then.

[u/appswithasideofbooty → u/Decent-Fall3438]

But were you high tho?

[u/onthebrandwagon]

"If you ever had a clever thought, it died alone and afraid"

[u/ItWasAtYourFeet]

Went to my home town after 30 years with another friend

First bar, kid from high school who was a bit of a bully walks up and is a wise ass in Front of his friends.

Before I could say nothing my friend say “I’m sorry, you are going to have to remind me of your name?”

Simple. Polite. Gut punch

[u/Malthus17]

My favorite

Lady Nancy Astor once told Winston Churchill "If you were my husband I would poison your tea."

He responded " Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it"

[u/afcagroo → u/Malthus17]

It's probably apocryphal, but still funny. The other famous one (probably also untrue) :

LA: Mr. Prime Minister, you are drunk.
WC: Yes, and you are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.

[u/Typical-Back6663 → u/afcagroo]

There's also the story that George Bernard Shaw sent Churchill two tickets to opening night of his new play and said, Bring a friend, if you have one. Churchill allegedly replied, Can't make opening night, will come second night, if there is one.

[u/StampePaaSvampe → u/afcagroo]

On the topic of false quotes.

Mark Twain: "Daipers and politicians should be changed often and for the same reason."

[u/MeltingDog → u/Malthus17]

Favourite politcal one:

When the New Zealand Prime Minister was asked about all the Kiwis moving to Australia he replied he wasnt worried because it "raised the IQ of both countries".

As an Aussie I'm happy to pay them that one.

[u/itsallminenow → u/Malthus17]

My favourite ever witticism was by F E Smith, later lord birkenhead. He insulted another MP in the House of Commons by calling him a liar, which you are strictly forbidden from doing by the rules of the house. When upbraided by the speaker of the house, he replied, “I did call the right honourable gentleman a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. You may place the punctuation where you wish.”

[u/HumbleCelery1492 → u/Malthus17]

My favorite Churchill is, “I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

[u/Pluto-Had-It-Coming → u/HumbleCelery1492]

In a similar vein, this is mostly a joke but: "everyone is entitled to their opinion, even if they're wrong".

[u/Throwaway_Old_Guy]

I have posted this elsewhere on Reddit.

I was not there to witness it, this was relayed to me by co-workers.

Worked with a person that was very knowledgeable about our industry and how things worked. He did not suffer fools.

He once told a Contractor; "You must have a twin, one person can't be that stupid."

[u/ArmyOfOrcas]

“There is no emergency, real or imagined, that would benefit from the retention of this Soldier.”

[u/StillAll → u/ArmyOfOrcas]

Oh god. 

There it is. I have soldiers under my command like this. 

I would love to break this one out!

[u/etham]

Saw this on reddit a few weeks ago.

Why play so hard to get when you're already so hard to want?

[u/callisstaa → u/etham]

A similar one I saw was ‘your grades say marry rich but your face says study harder’

[u/Poison_the_Phil]

One time I was locking my bike up as I got to work and these two bicycle security guards decided to harass some homeless guy posted up on the stoop of an abandoned building.

Homeless guy just goes "GET A JOB" and it cracks me up to this day. Never saw those security guys again.

[u/rayburno]

My daughter said this to me last week- “I keep forgetting how much of an asshole my mom is, but she loves reminding me.”
I’m the dad. Her mom is my ex-wife. I laughed a little but stayed respectful.

[u/Krakengreyjoy]

This guy's a gangster? His real name's Clarence

[u/C_qui_ca_Jo_Rocca → u/Krakengreyjoy]

And Clarence lives at home with both parents

[u/shwarma_heaven → u/C_qui_ca_Jo_Rocca]

And Clarence parents have a real great marriage

[u/DiligentCorvid → u/shwarma_heaven]

This guy don't wanna battle, he's shook

[u/AnalllyAcceptedCoins]

Had a room mate who loved to hear himself talk.  Self declared genius, acted like he was God's gift to earth. One day when he was babbling on one of his half hour long rants, he said something along the lines of "some people do small talk, but I'm more of a speech maker." I replied "Well, brevity IS the soul of wit." Completely flew over his head.

[u/skeedlz]

"I think we can handle this with a spelling bee, not a fist fight. Not that the outcome would change any." Dude said that and deescalated a guy wanting to fight him at the bar.

[u/Blue_Doubt → u/skeedlz]

Sounds like Doc Holiday “Maybe poker’s not your game. I know! Let’s have a spelling contest”

[u/TheManDont]

Was playing 2k (basketball game) with a friend and things ended up getting heated as usual. They said my friend had bad breath and he replied with “shut up all of your siblings have different dads”

[u/LesPolsfuss → u/TheManDont]

jesus. he brought a gun to a pillow fight.

[u/buttplugpeddler]

“You bring joy to every room you leave”

[u/anotherchrisbaker]

I made some snarky comment in a meeting once, and this other guy says, "I was going to say that, but I didn't want to be an asshole". Still makes me laugh

[u/d3m01iti0n]

Years ago at the club with a bunch of my friends. We were all smoking outside and there was this rowdy drunk gay guy just running his mouth to everyone, I can't even remember why. He was harmless, but there were some of the usual homophobic remarks being thrown around. I'm not the type to get involved so I left it alone.

But he eventually said something smartass to me. I squared up, looked him up and down, and said "your shoes don't even match your outfit."

It was like I punched him in the mouth. He fully expected me to hit him, or call him a slur. His mouth just dropped open and he walked to the parking lot. Devastated.

[u/Particular-Beat-6645 → u/d3m01iti0n]

*Diva-stated

[u/AngrySpock → u/Particular-Beat-6645]

Must have been in New Zealand.

[u/thethriftstorian → u/d3m01iti0n]

Bet he still thinks about that moment while disassociating in the shower

[u/mungraker → u/thethriftstorian]

Certainly every time he puts on shoes

[u/ilovebostoncremedonu → u/mungraker]

Dude went to the shoe store and bought a pair in every color so he could always be matching in the future

[u/ReadingCat88]

I agreed to buy a dinette set and buffet for $800 from a seller one town over. We shook on the deal and he gave me written confirmation. I rented a truck, got some friends to help and showed up at his house at the agreed upon time the following morning. I had given him a check for 1/2 of the amount and contacted him several times with updates. We get to the house ( it was his mom's house and they were clearing it out to sell so there were lots of relatives of his there). He tells me I already sold it. He mumbled several excuses.. i wasn't sure if you would show up...etc. Some flash of inspiration came over me and I said in my best stage voice, "Well know you know that your handshake is worth less than $800 dollars. Its important for a man to know what his integrity is worth". The room went silent and as we were walking out another relative handed us a hundred dollar bill to cover the truck.

[u/nicunta → u/ReadingCat88]

You also got the half upfront back, right?

[u/Femmefatele → u/nicunta]

It was a check, I'm sure he canceled it.

[u/SPEEDYTBC]

Cops harassing my friends and I at a car meet up. Cop asks “I wonder what this Bug (car) would look like on a tow truck”. Me: “like you on the back of your wife.” The three other cops just looked on like “you gonna take that!?!” He did.

[u/goodfleance → u/SPEEDYTBC]

You almost got STOP RESISTING!'d

[u/ck_211 → u/SPEEDYTBC]

My friends and I were pretty ratty looking teenagers back in the day - weird hair, torn clothes etc. One friend was walking along minding his own business one day carrying a Borders bag and walked past a cop who asked "so what did you steal from Borders?". Without breaking stride he says "if I stole it why did they give me a bag to take it home in" and kept walking. Cop had absolutely nothing. 

[u/FrontLifeguard1962]

Obama on Trump: "He's factually dishonest, but emotionally honest"

[u/PleasantEnthusiasm11]

The only real contribution you make to this office is the draft when you open the door to leave.

[u/SYC0P4TH]

I was joking by telling a friend/coworker that if she were a vegetable, she would be a black olive (we worked at a pizza shop and I hate black olives). She responded with no hesitation "If you were a vegetable, you'd be in a wheelchair."

[u/Adi0sPantal0nes]

"You're the reason women cover their drink at a bar. "

[u/Random-Username7272]

Not heard by me, but someone once said to famous strongman Doug Hepburn "What's it like to be all brawn and no brains?"

"I Dunno." Doug replied. "What's it like to be neither?"

[u/nDizzle89]

Out drinking with friends, some friend of a friend chatting made a joke after I explained I had to move back to my hometown after my dad died. It was along the lines of how he just wanted to get away from me (he died in a car wreck).

I was already not liking him so I shot back with:

"Well at least mine cared for a while. The back of your head is so flat bc even as a baby no one wanted to be around you"

Idk about his head shape, but he was asking ppl later if his head was indeed flatter than average.

[u/AdorablePlot → u/nDizzle89]

“You were never dropped as a baby because you were never held.”

[u/RandoQuestionDude]

You have two braincells and they are fighting for third place.

[u/Dangerous-Project672 → u/RandoQuestionDude]

I like “you have two brain cells and one’s out looking for the other”

[u/Ribbitor123 → u/Dangerous-Project672]

Reminds me of a quote from 'Blackadder Goes Forth':

"George, who's using the family brain cell at the moment?"

[u/RandoQuestionDude → u/Ribbitor123]

"Baldrick, a brain eating amoeba would starve inside your head"

[u/bingbingchavez]

A bunch of co-workers took a group photo and after they looked at the photo that was taken, one them said that they didn't like how it came out because the camera adds 10 pounds. Someone in the office blurted out, "how many cameras were there?"

[u/Reivaki → u/bingbingchavez]

That one was stolen from Friends XD

[u/BrewtalKittehh]

Said by my favorite bartender:

“You’re somebody that loves the sound of your own opinions.”

“Men all over the world are lining up just to ignore you.”

[u/Elweirdotheman]

If your mom and dad got divorced would they still be brother and sister?

[u/Tenwaystospoildinner]

If I want a friend like you I'll go to the bathroom and make one.

[u/elafave77]

"You eat Snickers upside down for the texture".

[u/KeifThief420]

The other day my wife was sassing me about something, so I took a picture of her and showed her while saying "look I found a picture of you when you were a baby". I could tell she thought it was hilarious but she didn't want to give me the satisfaction.

[u/PipsqueakPilot]

I'm flying a mission coming back from Afghanistan and we're over the Atlantic. We'd had to fly commercial, and one of my copilots (A Cuban-American via way of Miami) is ranting and raving about how TSA took his volcanic ash facial scrub and it was 50 dollars nand he needs it for his complexion and finally I just turn to him.

"I have a boyfriend and am the second gayest man on this jet."

[u/PanpandaBerry]

At work, coworker has spent ten minutes non stop complaining while I'm working. I finally am exasperated and look at her. "Do you have a comedy channel you can switch to bc I'm done with the drama." Went back to work and she left me alone. Still don't know where it came from.

[u/MickeyMalt]

The only ass you get is when your finger slips thru the toilet paper

[u/SolitaireRose]

Everyoen who said they loved you was either lying or hadn't gotten to know you yet.

[u/Right-Ad2176]

In college a student answered a question asked by the professor to the class. Turning to that student he asked if he could repeat his answer.

After repeating answer professor said nevermind I thought you said something intelligent.

[u/i_didnt_look]

We were at a party for my brother, he had invited a few of his colleagues to attend. At the time, my wife was volunteering for the same charity and knew a few of his colleagues. As we are standing around talking, one of the colleagues, Tim, starts talking about how his rental unit had become unlivable following a flood and he was struggling to find a place to live affordably. The charity didn't pay well, and since a bunch of his stuff was wrecked, he was hurting even worse.

After Tim had finished his story, my brother says "That really sucks, poor Tim", to which another person says "Yeah, poor Tim" Without missing a beat, and I think in a mouth moving faster than brain moment, my wife blurts out, "Yeah, but we don't say that to his face"

Stunned silence. Fortunately, it was Tim who spoke first and laughed, but you could tell he felt that one. My wife apologized profusely, saying it was a joke and such, which it was, but goddamn, what a savage.

Edit for spelling

[u/axiommanipulator]

I told a kid that his mom was so cheap that sh fvcked for cigarettes. And that was why all his friends took up smoking.

[u/lookalive07]

Not really a roast but I’ve never seen someone’s face shift as quickly as the guy I’m about to describe.

I was in my car at Target and was turning onto the part of the lot that is right in front of the store. Someone was stopped to my left because of pedestrians so because they were crossing, I turned right, but it wouldn’t have technically been my turn to go if the pedestrians weren’t there, so the car I “cut off” wasn’t having any of it. He sped around me and slammed on his brakes and decided to play tough guy and get out of his car and approach mine.

I rolled down my window and yelled “you better be coming over here to suck my dick or you better get back in your car”.

The utter shock and confusion on his face when I drove off was priceless. I wish I had a dashcam.

[u/Dramatic_Test_5285]

One time I was out drinking with coworkers.

This one woman drank too much and became a little out of control/loud.

My friend was talking and referred to his grandmother, and this woman proceeded to do a very annoying grandma impression repeatedly in his face as a joke. She asked him if she reminded him of his grandmother.

He just went “yes my grandmother was also a train wreck”

I just kinda loudly went “oohhhhh god”

And the table just went silent.

[u/NotTheOnly1Isee]

I was in Grade 10, in Geography class. This guy in Grade 12 kept harassing me non-stop for weeks. Chirping incessantly, trying to rattle my cage. I mostly ignored him.

One morning, we roll into class - no sign of the teacher. Buddy starts in as soon as I sit down (was sitting behind me, one seat over). Hurled an insult questioning my sexual preference. Quickest response I've ever had - "at least I don't walked around wearing a hat that stands for MY ASS SURE HURTS" (he was in Army cadets, and was wearing a M.A.S.H. hat). Entire class, save for his best friend, were laughing hysterically while he turned beat red in anger. As he was about to stand up, the teacher walked in.

A year later, his sister ended up dating my Uncle - that kind of buried the hatchet lol

[u/Ok-Nectarine7152]

I was a bartender in a college bar. Four sorority girls were sitting in a booth right by the bar. Some drunk D-bag walked up to them and took out his penis then zipped back up.

Before he got two steps away, one of the girls, in a perfectly calm tone of voice said:

"I thought I just saw a dick, but it was much too small to be a dick"

[u/GayCatDaddy → u/Ok-Nectarine7152]

Bette Midler once told a story from early in her career where some guy came back to her dressing room and pulled his junk out. She looked at him and said, "What the hell do you want, sympathy?"

[u/HankBushrivet]

She had calves only a cow could love.

[u/SlobZombie13]

"I dont tell your mom which street corner to stand on so don't tell me how to do my job"

[u/Mako3303]

"Anne Coultor, if you're here, who's out in the fields scaring the crows away from our crops"? - Pete Davidson

[u/SignificantCats]

I have a friend group that meets weekly for board games. We have a good core group of friends who have known each other a long timr, and a couple people we aren't as close to but like the same games and are nice to have around if we want to do a 6 player game or round out a 4 player game or something. They aren't people we hang out with, just game with.

One of the "b-list" people was starting to get weird, he'd be weirdly rude and aggressive and was shitty to us two weeks in a row. On the third week he pushed again and my friend said "every time you leave, we make fun of you. When you're not here, we talk about how glad we are"

Basically took every insecure nerds fears and confirmed them.

[u/genehil]

My Best Comeback Ever: Back in the day I was in Quality Control (USAF). QC were the bad guys who were always checking up on how equipment and aircraft were being repaired and maintained. We were the guys who wanted to see the technical data out, open and being followed. We wore black baseball caps with white "QC" letters on them. One evening I wandered into the Avionics building around the midnight shift change time. There I was spotted by a Technical Sergeant who did not like me much. He was surrounded by three young female troops and apparently couldn't resist showing off for them and fucking with me. He said loudly "Look out... It's QC - the Queer Chaser." I quickly replied "That's right, Sergeant Boyle... I'll give you five minutes head start." The girls all burst out laughing and the sergeant turned red... and never bothered me again.

[u/Wonderful_Air4446]

Pre-Covid, about 7 years ago, I was on a subway train in the city, sitting down, it was partially crowded. Older Black woman got on, late 60s/early 70s, and soon as the train started moving, she began to play a tune on a little boombox she was carrying and singing along with it. She kindly asked other passengers for a donation of any kind to help her get by. While she was singing and playing, this younger Black man who could have been her son in age, was sitting right across from me and was next to her, by the train doors where she was standing. He started recording her with his phone in a manner that wasn’t supportive but more of way to mock her online later perhaps. She made it flawlessly thru her set unscathed. Then soon as the train doors opened at the next stop, she calmly leaned down toward the young man and said very slowly and measured in a volume we could all still hear, “now I know your mama didn’t teach you to use the pain of another when they’re down on their luck for your personal kicks,” and then stepped off the train as the doors closed. I felt the dude’s soul leave his body and mine did too to be honest, as he slowly put his phone away in his pocket while the blood drained from his face. I couldn’t even look at him, I felt so much shame for him. That exchange has never left my memory.

[u/FatWankerWankFatter]

I get why your adult children didn't speak to you

[u/joseph-justin]

You rotate the square in Tetris, huh?

[u/whitewaterpaddler]

I’ve never met someone I actually thought met their full potential till now

[u/IDrinkYorkshireTea]

Was at a Noel Gallagher small all seated acoustic set in Sydney. Some woman on the front row was trying to get a photo. He told her to go sit down. She made the fatal error of speaking back. He rested on his guitar for a second and said. “I remember when the girls on the front row of gigs used to be hot, now sit down”

[u/Granadafan]

My best comebacks are the ones thought of days later, usually when I’m driving or in the shower replaying the exchange in my head. 

[u/TastyComplex101 → u/Granadafan]

Oh yeah, well the jerk store ran out of you!

[u/mungraker → u/Granadafan]

The French have a term for this... l'esprit d'escalier. It means "The spirit of the staircase" in reference to someone being insulted at a party to then leave, and think of the perfect retort on their way down the stairs.

[u/IllTwo7643]

In 2012, when I got back from my honeymoon, my manager roasted me when I shared the groom was a few minutes late.

He said "oh did he take one look at you and leave?"

And I was so mad at him because he picked at me and another female coworker all the time, but when we teased gently back he'd get mad.

So I said "well, at least I'm happy in my marriage" (his wife was notorious for calling at work and instigating fights)

He didn't talk to me for 3 days. 😂

[u/_Bipolar_Vortex_]

Nikki Glaser on cryptkeeper ann coulter at The Rob Lowe roast: "The only man you'll ever make happy is the Mexican who digs your grave."

[u/spidrex]

"I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

[u/diminutive_lebowski → u/[deleted]]

Better to keep one’s mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt

[u/BoltMyBackToHappy → u/diminutive_lebowski]

An unopened mouth gathers no foot.

[u/hwrdhdsn]

Comedian to a heckler: “Look, I don’t go to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth.”

[u/Farking_Bastage]

Was at a party and this huge drunk chick was being really obnoxious and getting on everyone’s nerves in the process. You know the type, the one who thinks they’re the hottest most fun person in the room.

I had imbibed a few myself and she caught me rolling my eyes in her direction and she piped up “ what are you rolling your eyes at? You know you want some of this”. My reply “ I wouldn’t crawl off the electric chair to get in bed with you”.

That one pissed her off but it was worth it.

[u/Exes_and_Hos]

You’re not as smart as everyone says you think you are

[u/Traditional-Kale-157]

"who?"

[u/FickleSun6892]

Don’t be yourself, be nice for a change!

[u/rinkidinkidoo]

Way back in high school on a field trip a girl was making fun of a guy because he was short. He was beat red, but looked her dead in the eyes and said, “I may be short, but you’re ugly. I can still grow.” The bus went silent and stayed that way for quite a while. I don’t think she really ever recovered.

[u/Zyhre]

"Does your ass ever get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth?"

[u/Digi_Dingo]

“I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed” has always stuck with me

[u/No_Bonus7310]

I’ve had pets smarter than you.

[u/robert_roo]

We don't think we can do without you, but we're going to try anyways.

[u/SkittishTango]

I remember someone in politics saying this to someone else in politics:

"I wouldn't piss down your throat if your heart were on fire."

[u/NoContest6481]

I have been a divorced single mom (ex husband took off and left me holding the bag and a kid) for 4 years. My favorite line when I do something completely self serving is "who gon' check me boo?" because I lived in an a controlling and abusive marriage for 21 years and life on my own is all new to me..... so I say it often and it's just become my thing. Anyways the other day I was dancing while walking on a side street leaving a cool night market in my city, I was exhilirated as I had eaten a smore and bought new shoes - and my 15 year old told me to stop because I am embarassing. I twirled and said "WHO GON CHECK ME BOO??!?!!" and she said "the paramedics, when you get hit by a car". I stopped. She's a savage. I adore her.

[u/tryingtobeadoctor22]

My surgery attending told the resident, “If there’s a way, you’re in it”

[u/Separate-Canary559]

I saw a meat head ask a nerd how much he can bench and the nerd said “I can read” and then walked away

[u/elonsghost]

I was in London at an Italian restaurant and the Italian owner was arguing World Cup with some English patron and the patron said, ‘when does Italy play.’ The owner fell silent.

[u/Initial_Company9756]

Lady, what you don’t know could fill a library.

• Bart Simpson

[u/CelebrationFar2804]

"I’d give you a nasty look, but it looks like you’re already wearing one"

I once said that to a bully

[u/TFBootsy]

In boot camp we weren’t allowed to kneel even when scrubbing the deck (by hand, with brushes of course). The first week a drill instructor caught the recruit next to me on their knees scrubbing under the racks and screamed “Get off your knees! You quit your day job, remember!” There was an audible pause of brushing in the room.

[u/2_old_for_this_spit]

I can't wait to be able to say i miss you.

[u/Fun-Distribution-159]

Anthony Jesilnik roasting trump

[u/SidV69]

Similar vein but not exactly the same. The one liner wasn't aimed at someone else, it was aimed at me, but made the other go completely silent.

This was years ago when you could still smoke in restaurants. Coworker and I go to this place. They had a separate room, and it was empty except for us. We are there just chilling, waiting for our food. Our waiter comes in with another. Now this guy was pretty outwardly gay, don't care, just setting the scene.

Anyways, he's complaining loud enough that we can hear, about some family with apparently annoying kids. Then sees us, shuts up, walks over to us and asks us if we need anything. We say no. Then he goes.

"Some people don't know how to raise kids you know. Do either of you have kids?"

I reply: "I can't have kids."

"Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't know."

I reply: "Oh it's nothing medical or like that. Women just find me repulsive."

I swear to you he stared at me for like a minute with this look on his face.

My buddy/coworker holds an absolute straight face.

Eventually the waiter turns abruptly 90 degrees and walks away.

Buddy/Coworker bursts out laughing.