r/AmIOverreacting • u/ohmyyoongless • 3h ago
👥 friendship AIO for being upset about my friends hiding a trip than not inviting me?
I (26F) have been friends with S and N (both 26F) for about 10 years. We've always considered ourselves a trio.
A little backstory: 2 years ago, I briefly hooked up with a guy, A (It was my first time actually which I dont count because it was extremely bad). It was never a relationship, and I've completely moved on, barely in a day actually. I'm actually getting engaged next month, and both of my friends are invited. "A" also happens to be a family friend of N, so they still see him occasionally.
Last year, when "N" got engaged, she had lied to me saying it was only family. Then I got to know that S had gone. She later told me she didn't invite me because "A" was going to be there., that was the reason. I wasn't thrilled, but I respected that it was her engagement and moved on. She did call me to her wedding.
In last year end, S and N planned a weekend villa trip. They never told me about it. I only found out because of Instagram. When I confronted them, they said they didn't tell me because "A" was coming and they assumed I'd feel awkward or hurt.
And guess what, the same thing, exactly same thing happened this year some days ago.
A few days ago, the exact same thing happened again.
Here's the thing: I genuinely wouldn't have gone anyway. If they had simply said, "We're going to a villa, but since A was coming, we'd rather keep it this way," I would've completely understood. I wasn't expecting an invitation. My fiancé's birthday was that Monday anyway, so I already had plans around that weekend (although they didn't know that). They didn't even tell me they were planning a trip.
What hurt me is that they chose to hide it instead. One of them even video-called me while they were at the villa saying she missed me, without mentioning where she actually was. Later, I found out that N had specifically told S not to tell me anything because A was coming.
This is now the third time I've felt like things have been intentionally hidden from me. It feels like they keep deciding how I'll react instead of just telling me the truth and letting me decide my own feelings. I tell them about everything happening in my life, and they're two of the very few close friends I have left.
To me, the issue isn't that I wasn't invited. It's that they repeatedly chose secrecy over honesty. I told them exactly that, and now I'm wondering if I'm making this into a bigger issue than it is.
AIO?
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u/Juuuulessss 3h ago
you are right, they should just be upfront with you, and also maybe invite A one year and you the next tbh to be fair about it
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u/ohmyyoongless 3h ago
Tbh for me its fine if they wanted to go, I dont want to be like one year with A and one year with me. i honestly dont mind, but going through lengths just to lie to me, it feels literally so off.
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u/rocketmn69_ 2h ago
They obviously like A more than you. Start distancing yourself from them.
Plan a cool trip and invite another friend (make sure it's a place that S and N would love to go). Go on the trip and post lots of photos of you and the friend having fun. When S and M ask about it just say, "It never crossed my mind that you would want to go"
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u/9ScoreAnd10Panties 2h ago
Or OP can simply move on and live her life for herself and not be a performative weirdo.Â
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u/crtclms666 2h ago
I hope that S and M would be mature enough not to care. You’ve been given a hint more than once that they don’t feel as close to you as you do them.
And you can stop saying you really don’t care, because the fact you wrote this lengthy screed says you do care.
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u/ohmyyoongless 1h ago
Okay just to clarify, I dont care about not being invited to the villa, BUT I really do care about being lied to
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u/MiserableFloor9906 3h ago
Two of them agreed to this path. I'm thinking dealing with you after the truth is harder than hoping you don't find out.
Can't know unless you can get them to post their POV.
At this point I'm assuming this is biased.
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u/radmika 1h ago
No you are hurt. Why are they choosing to go away so often knowing a will be there? It is cruel for them to keep doing that to you. I think you need to examine the relationships you have with these girls. I am sorry, but it sounds like sometimes you are treated as a third wheel. Honey please try to distance yourself from these girls. You deserve better.
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u/9ScoreAnd10Panties 2h ago
Did you trash talk A to them at all? Like how awful it was or anything?Â
Even if you didn't, it could be a blood is thicker than water kinda deal. Wtbs- she should be honest about everything if there's a problem.Â
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u/Suitable-Tear-6179 1h ago
Well, you may be thinking about it the wrong way. You're assuming they're not inviting you out concern for how you would react to A. It could be the other way around.Â
You're over A. But is A over you? Would he run his mouth, say, be a jerk and start a fight? If, being family, they can block A, they might just be trying to minimize the drama HE would cause. Â
You need to be blunt. "Listen, I dont really care about A. I'm over it. And I don't expect to be with yall on every trip. You dont have to hide them from me. I'm not hurt that you didn't invite me. I am a little hurt that you guys hid it from me, like you expected me to have a temprt tantrum or something."
Because that seems to be the reason it starts a bit. Â
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u/Arganaught 3h ago
YOR - they don’t need to tell you every plan they make, especially if they know you won’t be invited due to a separate circumstance. Given this happens once or twice a year based on what you’re saying, I’d let it go and move on with your life. It’s not a big deal at all.
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u/F-u-n-n-y_ 2h ago
NOR.
Your framing is exact: they're not excluding you, they're managing your feelings by hiding info, which is paternalism, not consideration. The video call from the villa without mentioning where she was is deception, not discretion. Three times running makes it a pattern. You'd have been fine with "we're going, A's there, so we're keeping it small." What hurts is being handled
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u/xXMokaMarieXx 3h ago
Yeah these people don't sound like your friend.. NOR