r/AmIOverreacting • u/AardvarkForsaken9006 • 4h ago
❤️🩹 relationship Aio: for getting jealous after finding out my husband was secretly texting his ex?
My husband and I have been married for four years. We have had our ups and downs, but I always believed we trusted each other. few weeks ago, I noticed he was always smiling at his phone and turning the screen away whenever I walked in. At first, I told myself I was just thinking too much, but something is not right. One evening, he left his phone on the kitchen table while he went to take a shower. I was not planning to look through it, but a message popped up with a woman’s name I had never heard before. I picked up the phone and opened the chat. My heart go spoiled when I realized it was his ex. They had been texting for weeks. Most of the messages were about work and old memories, but there were also a few messages where they joked about the time they dated.
When he came out of the bathroom, I asked him why he had been talking to her without telling me. He looked surprised that I knew and quickly said it was nothing. He said she reached out because she needed advice, and he did not tell me because he knew I would get upset. That answer only made me more angry. We started arguing, and I asked him if he still had feelings for her. He kept saying no, but I found it hard to believe.
The argument got worse. I told him I could not trust him anymore and even packed a small bag because I
wanted to leave for a few days. He begged me to stay and said he had never cheated on me. He admitted that hiding the messages was wrong and apologized for keeping it a secret. He even offered to block her and promised to be more open with me from then on. After calming down, I started thinking about everything again. I realized the messages were not romantic, but what hurt me the most was that he chose to hide them instead of being honest from the beginning. I know I let my emotions take over, and maybe threatening to leave was too much. At the same time, I feel like anyone would be hurt after finding out their husband had been secretly texting an ex. Now I keep asking myself, was I overreacting, or was my reaction normal after what happened?
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u/dayumxruby 3h ago
Under reacting. I would have left. Just because he’s not cheating doesn’t mean he was not lying by omission. Husbands shouldn’t lie.
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u/Virgogirl1984 2h ago
Thisssss!!! OP he lied to you about something important to you! Don’t take this lightly
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u/cactus-vagus 1h ago
This would be me too. This isn’t a one off of him behaving this way and it will soon become a deceitful pattern. I’d leave because ain’t nobody with an ounce of self-respect got time for that.
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u/Obsolete-Complete 2h ago
NOR
When we lie about something to prevent a person’s reaction, we aren’t doing it to save their feelings, we are doing it to protect our access to the thing that would upset them.
When faced with a person’s upset, we are forced to confront the behaviour and address the situation. Meaning we lose access to the problem or we face the consequences of what keeping that access means. He didn’t keep this from your for your benefit, he kept it from you because he knew your upset would be justified but he wanted to do it anyway
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u/FabulousDonut6399 2h ago
He lied because he knew it was wrong to entertain his ex. Plain and simple.
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u/azrael109 3h ago
NOR
The trust is gone and he hid it because he knew he was up to something bad. He cheated or would have if he got the chance.
Time to leave when the trust is gone, life is to short.
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u/Kindly_Childhood224 2h ago
Nor this for me is betrayal. Omission is betrayal and just as bad as lying or cheating. I am so sorry that he did that to you.
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u/OtherwiseAd3730 2h ago
NOR You’d be wasting your time if you stayed.
He saw nothing wrong with what he was doing, he only backtracked when you packed a bag.
He’ll block her of course, to appease you, for about 48 hours max before he’ll just go back to talking to her behind your back.
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u/Janes98 2h ago
NOR! My husband received a message from an ex about three months before our wedding and she was asking all this advice about what to do with her mom. Mind you she’s married and has two kids. She started getting into the territory of how are you and I miss talking etc…he right away told me and I said I felt uncomfortable and that it was suspicious she wanted to reach out now. She even mentioned me by name too which was weird! He right away told her he can’t talk to her anymore because his future wife was uncomfortable and that Im his priority. Him doing that made me feel secure and that I can trust him if an ex or someone else starts getting flirty over messages with him. I would also be hurt if he hid those messages because keeping them a secret makes it worse than just telling you right away what’s happening. Hopefully you have a conversation about what to do next time and keep open and honest communication!
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u/Ok_Researcher8377 2h ago
NOR. Sit down and have a firm talk. That is definitely not okay if it's outside the boundaries of your relationship. Ask him why he wanted to reconnect with her and see if you can find common ground.
People here are a little fast with suggesting a break up, please talk first. You don't seem like a person that would get walked over. Listen to what he has to say, you can still walk away if you don't like it.
You got this 🫶
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u/iamanoompaloompa 2h ago edited 2h ago
Under reacting. I ended things with a man who did the same thing with an ex. Hiding conversations with anyone, especially an ex, is a RED FLAG. I’m sorry you’re going through this but save yourself from a life of heartache
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u/yum_butt 2h ago
NOR but seems like things are headed in the right direction. Like you said nothing romantic was said, and it could've went down that road had it continued. You did the right thing by threatening to leave, and I feel like it scared him into realizing what he could lose. I think you could get over this in time and I would hope the relationship will be stronger with more communication after this. Just trying to give some hope for the relationship after this hiccup. I see most people on here saying leave him, but I know it's not that simple over this one incident. The choice is yours however
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u/Life_Temperature2506 2h ago
NOR. And not underreacting by not leaving. I actually think you've handled this appropriately so far. If I were you, set a hard " I'm out of here if you fuck up again" boundary, which includes him texting the ex saying " fuck off, no more advice", followed by blocking and open access to his phone.
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u/FabulousDonut6399 2h ago
NOR
The trust is gone and he destroyed it.
A married man shouldn’t entertain exes or other women and hide it from their wife.
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u/Championship682 2h ago
NOR - Some people don't care if their partners talk to their exes and others do. Regardless, the issue here is the deceit.
- he did not tell me because he knew I would get upset. -
By his own words, he knew you would be upset. So why do it and hide it from you rather then prioritize your feelings and block her?
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u/KatsLaidback 2h ago
I'd say that NOR is actually reacting too cautiously. Why would he hide something like that if there's nothing wrong with it?
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u/Ambitious_Phrase3695 32m ago
My ( now ex ) husband was doing the same thing behind my back.
Guess who he started sleeping with minutes after we separated? Yup… her.
Not cool
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u/Aggressive-Pass7181 22m ago
Reminiscing about your relationship with your ex IS 'romantic so you're lying to yourself. He knows what he was doing was wrong, that's why he hid it. And why off all people did she reach out to him other than to start shit? And it worked on him. He won't block her. He'll just be more careful now.
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u/rocketmn69_ 2h ago
You should still leave for a couple of days to drive the point home to your husband about hiding things from you
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u/WholeStatistician716 2h ago
Anytime your husband is communicating with a woman secretly it is a concern.
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u/BlazedNinja 2h ago
Some of you are way to dramatic! Let me give some persepctive thats coming from a stable human 😂
It could have ended up becoming infidelity if left unchecked so I would say its a big red flag.. if my ex text me for any reason first thing i would do is tell my gf especially if i think it would upset her in anyway.
Everything in your relationship hinges on trust and that is one of the hardest things to build and easiest to lose 😔 If you can trust him then his offer to block and be more open in the future (if actually adhered to) could put you back on track so this is troubling but only if he doesnt own it and change permanently. Hope youre ok!
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u/JumpAccomplished2620 2h ago
I understand your reaction but also mor. Me and my ex from undergrad still text. We stopped flirty texts years ago when he started dating someone and I felt the shift. He's a late night texter and I'm an early morning responder. I sent a text at 630am, nothing flirty. He tells me she saw the text and flipped her shit, packing her bags and headed to her sister's. Rarely is the answer to this problem just let them see your phone. My immediate reaction was did you let her read our messages? Yes. Even she admits they weren't flirty. But he was seeking "emotional connection" from me. I don't think she knew we texted frequently (ish). But we honestly had for years before she came along.
They made up and now we text in a group chat w another old friend of ours from college (a mediator if you will). This gc popped up shortly after the incident. So I assume this was the compromise or something? I don't mind the gc. There's nothing I say that both of them can't respond to. I love them both.
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u/wanderingcargo 2h ago
Maybe your reaction is “normal”, but that doesn’t excuse it. You let your jealousy get the best of you. Everyone deserves to have the their own relationships in their own way. If you continue this pattern of jealousy and possessiveness, you will destroy your marriage and lose your husband. What makes you think that you can control the way someone feels about someone else? That’s incredibly arrogant and unrealistic on your part. You really need to seek some therapy on this.
Just remember that everyone we ever are involved with become a part of us. That doesn’t necessarily mean that we want to continue to be involved with them, but they still make us who we are today. Continuing that contact with his ex is probably quite healthy and therapeutic for him.
If they are considering getting back together, your jealousy and control and mistrust will definitely make that happen.
Also, I suggest that you and he have a very serious talk about what you each consider “cheating“ and come to an agreement on what that looks like. And I advise you to write that down and keep it in a place that you can both look at it and remind yourselves. So often the two halves of a couple have completely different ideas about what that means.
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u/FabulousDonut6399 2h ago
Jeezes the cognitive dissonance on you.
He was effectively lying by omission about texting his ex.
He betrayed her trust.
He’s destroying their marriage because he’s craving attention from his ex and if he weren’t he would have been open to his wife about their innocent exchanges.Bit weird also to suggest they should now after 4 years marriage should talk about what their consider cheating, since it would be logical they already did. In fact he said he hid the messages because he knew his wife would not like it and he did it anyway.
Cheating is a character flaw of the cheater, not a mistake.
OP’s husband need to figure out why he feels the need to lie to his wife, cross boundaries and why the attention he gets from his ex is more important than his wife’s feelings.
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u/wanderingcargo 1h ago
I would avoid big words like “cognitive” and “dissonance” when you clearly have no idea of what they mean.
You are regurgitating the same old rhetoric about cheaters, trust and relationships. Wake up! It doesn’t matter how long they have been in a relationship… they clearly are misaligned in what they think is cheating. And you, yourself, have your own ideas about it. It’s never too late to communicate.
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u/FabulousDonut6399 1h ago
The correct term is cognitive dissonance reduction and there so many people a prime example if it. Including you.
It’s never to late to communicate but you were spitting a harmful rhetoric about a pattern of jealousy and possessiveness on someone who rightfully is jealous because her lying husband broke her trust. This is classic gaslighting which emotional abusive people use to coerce other people to accept inappropriate behaviour and behaviour that crosses their boundaries. It’s shameful.
You even say she needs therapy while I indicate that the cheater is broken. He needs therapy. He needs to figure out why his need for attention from his ex is so important. He obviously has low self esteem if he needs her attention that much…
No one is required to be in a relationship or married but when you want to play the game, you play by the rules or you get out.
OP is right to threaten to leave though I think she should have left because her husband won’t just magically fix his character flaw because he got caught.
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u/iamanoompaloompa 2h ago
yikes
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u/Buffytheslursayer 2h ago
Yikes a mature rational adult and balanced response? You're projecting your child like sensibilities on others lol
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u/HoidsRoommate 2h ago
I keep seeing so many of these types of posts and all I can think of is: Isn't a relationship for a big part based on trust?
I don't think he necessarily needed to tell you who was texting, as long as it stays friendly and as soon his ex (or any other person) becomes flirty, he does mention that to you.
I don't see the point of ever having to tell about any interaction someone has, just because there might be a chance he or she could be cheating. It would be an endless list.
For the part of it being his ex. Some people split amicably and stay friends. It is for you to decide if him talking to her is a boundary or not. Especially since you mention there was nothing romantic in the texts
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u/CareEnvironmental596 2h ago
He was texting to someone he had a relationship with. You seem very insecure, are you in High School.
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u/FabulousDonut6399 2h ago
He texted secretly with his ex, yeah lying even by omission is wrong. I agree the ex and the husband sound like teenagers. Good for Op to note accept this silly behaviour.
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u/Buffytheslursayer 2h ago
People in here have only experienced life through the lens of others and TV and it shows in these posts so bad "nor leave your entire existence behind over adults catching up non romantically"
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u/bluefairytx 2h ago
Nor. In that moment that was how you felt. Sure the messages were not romantic, but sone cheating doesn't start off romantic. You were not comfortable and let him know this is something you feel strongly about. Now he knows the possible consequences. If the roles were reversed, I'm sure he would feel like an outsider is threatening your marriage as well.
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u/ariyahjade 2h ago
You know if it was so innocent why didn’t he say something to begin with? Most people would mention “guess who texted me today?” In this situation. Because it’s weird and he knew it.
Definitely NOR.