r/AmIOverreacting • u/Schrodingers_unicorn • 6h ago
👨👩👧👦family/in-laws Someone said I ‘wasn’t that appealing’ when they first saw me, before deciding they liked my personality, does this bother anyone else, or am I overreacting?
I (married ~4 months, it was an arranged match, we spent about 2-3 months getting to know each other before deciding to go ahead) overheard a senior family member - someone who’s been married into the family for 17 years and basically helped raise my husband - talking about someone else’s rejected marriage proposal, saying the girl “wasn’t beautiful enough” and “too short.”
Then, without realizing I was in earshot, she brought me up as an example: something like “even when we first saw her, she wasn’t that appealing either, but once we got to know her, it didn’t matter.” She didn’t know I heard it.
Logically I get that the second half was meant as a compliment. But it landed as: someone had to be talked into accepting me. And once I started thinking about it, I remembered other things she’s said before that my husband was initially unsure because I’m “too religious,” subtle digs about my clothes (“this suit/dress isn’t good,” “why aren’t you wearing gold jewelry”), and once, when I said I don’t know much about makeup, she said “you don’t know about suits (as during our pre wedding shopping, I casually said that I don’t know much about fabrics etc. So, buy whatever you like for me.) , you don’t know about makeup what do you know about, actually?”
None of these are individually dramatic. She’s generally warm and well-liked, everyone’s favorite, honestly. That’s exactly why it’s hard to bring up; I know if I said anything, the response would be “she didn’t mean it that way” or “you’re misunderstanding.”
I talked to my husband and he was clear that none of what she implied about him needing convincing is true, he made his own choices. That helped, but I’m still stuck two days later feeling unsettled, a little sick to my stomach, like I was never accepted as-is, just tolerated after some kind of internal debate.
Am I overreacting to something that was “just a comment,” or is this a real pattern worth taking seriously? How would you process something like this without blowing up a relationship that matters a lot to your spouse?
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u/Altruistic_Offer9381 6h ago
Aunties of all kinds are notorious gossipers. Honestly youre lucky she likes you, because imagine if not! Only unhappy people talk about others. Sucks that she talks shit but I wouldnt lose sleep over it. She had her own opinions but not everyone shares them. Just laugh at her and think what a silly superficial woman.
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u/Sherbet_Happy 6h ago
Does it really matter? Clearly, they put a lot of thought and effort into choosing right and they chose you. You have already been accepted. Nobody is perfect, nobody. But you have enough many great qualities that everyone whose opinion matters thought that you would be a good match.
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u/stunnedonlooker 6h ago
Of course her digs bother you. Hopefully you wont have to spend much time with her for the rest of your life
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u/Additional-Storm4687 6h ago
Nor I said that abt my ex too “he’s not that appealing but his personality is alright” and I just wasted our time obviously I left him but yeah it’s not wise to got into something you’ve already felt “negatively about
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u/Additional-Storm4687 6h ago
And fyi this will forever stay with you. When you see him looking at another pretty woman that thought will appear over and over again
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u/Revolutionary_Pea749 5h ago
She said it didn't come from him. I really hope she won't feel badly when he sees another woman. Men and women look at beautiful women and men and it doesn't have to mean they want to jump their bones 🙄
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u/Additional-Storm4687 5h ago
She said “we felt that way too” she didn’t say I. It was a group discussion. Have you heard about lying btw? Would u wanna openly hurt your wife by saying yea I didn’t find you attractive initially but hey you get the job done 🤷♀️ lmfao.
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u/Additional-Storm4687 5h ago
Nah i don’t look at men I don’t care about them. The world ha just normalized losers. I bet your following on other accs is questionable 😂🤷♀️
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u/MishkiTongue 6h ago
You're NOR. Anyone would get hurt by that. It shouldn't be talked about like that. Some people just love to gossip. You definitely should bring it up to your husband as in something that was hurtful to you, but not to break the relationship between then. Also I know it may be rough for you to have a relationship with her, but there may be other qualities by this person you grow to admire.
Feel your feelings. Talk about them. Hopefully, one day you can also tell her tht you heard her and it was hurtful, and she can properly apologize so you both move on.
In terms of what it would do for me, I would be hurt, but I don't consider myself that attractive, and I wouldn't want someone to choose me due to something so superficial, so I'd probably prefer it was because of my actual personality, which would make the relationship be a good match more than looks.
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u/madhatteringways 5h ago
NOR
OP any type of rejection feels terrible, but it is not a reflection on who you are. It can range from projection to jealousy to feeling threatened to insecurities etc that don't belong to you, that is solely on HER. And that well liked fave? No hun, she's just the "blunt" bitch everyone is afraid to go against out of fear of landing on that snake tongue of hers. Its probably also the reason no one really confides their true feelings in her and "defend" you against her, they know its a waste of time. Whatever her opinions are, rest assured they are not everyone else's. Thank God you aren't similar enough to her for her to like you from the start!! And yet your amazingness got past her BS attitude and "won" her over. Hun, where i'm from we call that a slap to the face with no hands!!! You shoved that humble pie down her throat! YOU WIN PERIOD!!
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u/CannibalismIsTight 5h ago
NOR. That’s very hurtful. I don’t think there’s anything to be said or done about it necessarily, but it makes sense to distance yourself from her as much as possible. We all know in our heads that being a wonderful person is more important than being physically attractive, but society places so much importance on it that it’s hard to believe what we know is true.
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u/Additional-Storm4687 5h ago
Aww is honesty disrespectful now? You’re basically saying take it bc you won’t find another man. How fucking sad is that.
If she truly can’t leave then she needs to find her control somehow and that’s by calling it out. I’m not apologizing bc these comments are examples of people expecting women to be soft and submissive. The culture that condondes such behavior should be called out and yk what makes culture…. people 🫵
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u/Additional-Storm4687 6h ago
Idk why the comments are saying you’re lucky bc they chose you in the end… um fuck no. Keep in mind someone else wouldn’t hesitate to choose you. Would someone double think dating Kylie Jenner? No. I wonder why
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u/TricksyGoose 5h ago
I mean... I would double think Kylie Jenner. I would never first-think her either. She's horrible.
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u/Additional-Storm4687 5h ago
True but idk any famous good women, just said a beautiful one that for sure majority men wouldn’t reject if she wanted them <if very slight if>
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u/Ok-Victory-1689 5h ago
Because it is a cultural thing, we do not know where she lives. In some conservative and ultra religious countries some women never get partners and dating is not part of their culture.
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u/Additional-Storm4687 5h ago
Okay so she’s just supposed to put up with the blatant disrespect? Fuck culture I don’t care, I care about her. If she’s weighing this possibility that means she can leave. If she can’t then she shouldnt take it. If she’s feels danger for calling it out she’s got bigger problems. Stop normalizing this bullshit you misogynist
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u/Ok-Victory-1689 6h ago
NOR. Your feelings are valid. It would be quite strange for you to just ignore it. You be you no matter what.
Put up boundaries with that woman, she can be as warm as she wants, it is typical for some senior women to appear loving and kind but behind your back they will stab you as much as they like.
Tell your husband it bothered you, no buttering up, just be honest about it. You’re not sensitive, totally normal reaction.