AIO for refusing to meet with my parents in person after their reaction to something I said last time we met?

[u/sinivalkoista]

My parents and I have a rocky relationship. In my early 20s, they were very controlling of my friends, my job, butter, my location at all times, my money, movies I saw, whenever I left the house. They would not take my "nos," so to speak. So I moved out without telling them until day of a year ago.

A close friend of mine died half a year ago. I refuse to talk about it with them because he didn't like them, and they viewed him as a bad influence. When they heard I was upset he died, they got onto me for the relationship first. I have told them repeatedly I won't talk about it. They asked how I was doing spiritually (religious background) considering it, and I gave a short but further "I don't want to talk about it" answer.

Last time we met up, they asked how I was doing spiritually again (we had been talking about nothing serious immediately before). I said I didn't want to talk about it as in my head, it's a backdoor to ask about my friend's death. They asked why. I said I don't want to talk about it. Multiple times. I wasn't rude or loud or angry. I just said no.

My dad got up upset and left my house without a word.

He came back after like 15 minutes when my mom was waiting in the car for him to give a "where's everybody" and a hug.

Now, they're saying that my words were a "knife to the heart" and his response was mature and a good coping mechanism considering I've shut them out of a lot of things and I just need to practice conversations and understanding their perspective so the relationship can improve.

AIO for refusing to meet with them one-on-one in person because of their response to me?

[u/Agitated_Ad_3876]

They controlled your butter? That's awful.

[u/sinivalkoista → u/Agitated_Ad_3876]

Yeah, I went to put real butter on my toast instead of smart butter because I think real milk is better and got gotten onto. Albeit they did pay for both

I mentioned it partially as a joke

[u/Agitated_Ad_3876 → u/sinivalkoista]

Parents have a tendency to be controlling. That's what they do. But the butter is going too far.

[u/whatthewhat3214 → u/Agitated_Ad_3876]

Eh, I'm fine with ceding butter control, but I draw the line at them deciding mayo v. mustard for me.

[u/Agitated_Ad_3876 → u/whatthewhat3214]

You can take my time, you can take my money, but you will never touch.... MY DAIRY!!!!

[u/ZookeepergameOld8988 → u/sinivalkoista]

lol that proved to me that this wasn’t AI. I think you’re NOR about not wanting to meet with them in person. Maybe before the next time you do you should have them agree to some ground rules before? Topics that are off limits for instance.

[u/Creepy_Nobody_2197]

My 13 year old has more personal freedom now than you did at 20. I lived that life which is why my kid is being raised the opposite way. You don't owe them ANYTHING. You don't even need to open your door to them if you don't want to. They are still trying to butt in and they need to learn boundaries. NOR, if anything you are under reacting because they need some hard lessons in your adulthood.

[u/legal_bagel]

Mom, dad, the best part of being an adult is I get to choose who I let in my life. So, are you going to open your ears and respect my feelings when I dont want to share certain things with you or are you not going to be in my life?

Nor. Grown-ups dont have to talk to mom and dad if they don't respect your boundaries.

[u/Putrid_Dream9755]

Butter?

[u/sinivalkoista → u/Putrid_Dream9755]

I was reprimanded for wanting to put real butter on my toast instead of smart butter as I believe milk is better than oil

[u/Strng_Satisfaction → u/sinivalkoista]

Please please cut off your parents

[u/Kamisamamiss → u/Strng_Satisfaction]

Seconding this.

[u/eclecticaesthetic1 → u/sinivalkoista]

Smart

[u/Fluffy_Specific_9682]

I would answer but I don't wanna talk about it

[u/sinivalkoista → u/Fluffy_Specific_9682]

BuT wHy?

[u/ContemplatingFolly → u/sinivalkoista]

"Because I'm an adult, and I get to decide what I wish to discuss with whom."

And then, if they don't, then "Well, since you can't respect my decision, sorry, have to go!"

Rinse and repeat until they get the message.

NTA, good grief!

[u/The_Warrior_Witch]

Not overreacting.

Keep practicing your boundaries. They're important. Don't let up.

[u/JewelerSea6090]

You are an adult and make your own decisions. They don't have to agree but they need to respect them. If they can't do that, then they just won't be in your life. If you don't want to talk about a topic, you don't. If they continue, well you enforce your boundaries by leaving. Btw, your spirituality is between you and whatever or whoever you see as a higher power (or none at all). Your parents have no say in it at all. Period.

For your own peace of mind and mental health, going very low contact or no contact may be the route to go. Or at least very low information. Any walls are of their own doing by not respecting you.

[u/hairapist87]

NOR! It’s very clear that they still want control over you and using religion to do it. This is so authoritarian. Stick to your boundaries. I’m proud of you! They’ll either realize it’s not going to work and get over it or keep pushing your boundaries to make you conform. It’s your life. You get to choose, not them. Strength love and peace to you. 🥰

[u/SoNoAppropriate]

You don't owe them jacksh!t Still trying to control your life, thoughts and actions. I would not even go low contact, I would go NO contact and just remove them from my life They have zero respect for you as an adult

[u/winsenta]

NOR. They're cruel, disrespectful and controlling. You're right to refuse any interaction with them.

[u/ExaminationFew4029]

I feel like you’re totally not overreacting they realistically didn’t act their agw

[u/NamasteNoodle]

They sound so toxic and invasive. You are better off having space away from them.