r/AmIOverreacting • u/Electronic-Rip-8108 • 20h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO because my boyfriend wanted me to change before the gym over a color?
Yesterday my boyfriend and I were about to leave for the gym together. I threw on a blue workout top with black shorts, something simple and comfortable that I've worn a bunch of times before with zero issues.
Right as we were walking out the door, he stopped and said the color of the top looked "kind of weird" and that people were gonna stare at me if I wore it. He asked me to go change into something more "normal" before we left.
I was kind of caught off guard honestly. It's just a blue top, nothing flashy, nothing revealing. I actually liked how it looked on me and felt comfortable in it, which is kind of the whole point of gym clothes.
I don't mind if he has opinions on my outfits every now and then, that's a normal couple thing. But this felt less like "hey I think this color doesn't suit you" and more like he was worried about how other people at the gym would perceive me, and wanted me to change based on that. It just didn't sit right with me.
I ended up just going along with it because I didn't want to start an argument right before working out, but I've been thinking about it since. Am I overreacting for being annoyed about this?
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u/Significant_Wafer314 20h ago
“I ended up just going along with it because I didn't want to start an argument”
Do you do this often in this relationship?
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u/govt_gal 19h ago
That is the most insidious aspect of abuse. If you have to change behavior to avoid aNoThEr argument, gtfo of that relationship.
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u/EverythingMatters42 19h ago
100% this. We start erasing parts of ourselves to keep the peace. And when the arguments keep happening (and they will, because abusive people will always find something they have an issue with), we start to wonder if we’re the problem. Abusers have such a twisted, entitled mindset and by the end of it, we can question if we are the abusive one! Healthy relationships feel comfortable, safe, and nourishing. We don’t need to walk on eggshells to keep the peace.
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u/HovercraftGreat7871 18h ago
Yeeees. NOR. These kind of comments are criticisms—and I’d even bet that dude doesn’t care about the shirt. He just wanted to test and establish his “authority,” planting a seed for more criticisms and fake concerns that diminish his partner. He does not see her as a peer and wants her to feel that energy. But he won’t say it outright… yet.
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u/RakhshandaC 17h ago
My ex would say is that what your wearing I would say why and he would reply well if that’s how you want people to perceive you. Guess what that’s why he is an ex. I did the same thing changed to prevent an argument but after awhile I decided nobody has a right to tell me what I can wear do think or how I should act. I lost 250lb of insecure man and moved on with my life.
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u/PipetheHarp 18h ago
‘We start erasing parts of ourselves to keep the peace.’
This is such a poignant phrase.. Erasure is a powerful word in this context. It encapsulates the negative response to an unhealthy power dynamic.
Healthy relationships build empathetic recognition, growth, and honest communication. The personal changes that result should feel welcomed, at least in large part!
I can be silly & sassy & poke at my partner, and she loves me for it, as we know that our repartee is a loving engine in our relationship. We accommodate (NOT erase) one another as best we can. It’s not always easy, but the truth of our feelings are always shared.
I hope OP can express what they need, and that their partner can reflect.
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u/glyph_productions 17h ago
My wife once said to me I know this outfit is a lot are you sure you are ok with me dressing like this tonight? She dresses like a middle aged Disney princess when she's comfortable. Big dresses bold colors and patterns. Regularly rocks a crenelin to add to the poof. I dress like a lumberjack.
I said babe I am getting to go out with you. In a dress or a burlap sack I'm still clearly the lucky one in this relationship. Wear whatever makes you feel beautiful but know that it won't impact how I feel. You are every bit as beautiful in that burlap sack as you are in the dress in my eyes. But that dress looks much cuter on you than the sack.
Why do so many people seem like they have a partner as an accessory? I can't go out my iPhone and my husband don't match!
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u/EnvironsHazard 17h ago
Sooooo you're Anna and Kristoff?
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u/glyph_productions 17h ago
She is a bubbly redhead. I look more like the dad from how to train your Dragon
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u/ButtPlugMaster6969 16h ago
Everything about this is wonderful. The last part has me dead because I know you’re obviously joking, but there are people who would probably think that and that concept is so stupid to me lmfao.
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u/EntirelyOutOfOptions 15h ago
Those of us who learned to erase ourselves in childhood might take a while to recognize we’re even doing it in our adult relationships, too.
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u/KeyFeeFee 13h ago
This is honestly why I hear my kids out, even if the response doesn’t change. I want them to feel important and that what they want matters so they know what they want and who they are. It feels so important!
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u/diaphoni 17h ago
I am 53 and I feel like I've erased so much of myself I am see thru
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u/Immediate-Maximum-75 13h ago
My best friend told me that I was a shell of a person by the time I got divorced. It's been 10 years and I'm still not back but I'm trying. I just joined a kick ball league to force myself to meet people. My ex is married to his affair partner now and I haven't dated in 3 years. It isn't easy.
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u/New_Feature_5138 19h ago
Yeah and the weird negging sounds like he is trying to break her down and question her own judgement.
OP really not trying to be dramatic but if you have close friends or family who might have an opinion on this.. might be good to ask them.
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u/Crunchyfrozenoj 18h ago edited 17h ago
Gaslighting her into wondering if there’s something wrong with the colour blue is crazy work.
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u/govt_gal 19h ago
Or OP, next time just don’t give in and “grey wall” him. Just don’t engage and see how he responds
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u/crookedhypotenuse 18h ago
Yes. And finding an issue with something so inconsequential and easily changeable is part of the plan. When she yields to this because what does it matter, it's just a shirt, it trains her to yield to bigger things.
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u/Smallpaul 17h ago
As someone who has been happily married for 30 years and knows many other long term married couples: sometimes you change your behaviour to keep the peace and sometimes your partner does.
Done in moderation this is known as “picking your battles” and is good practice for having kids, having in-laws or generally moving through the world.
One of you likes to be 10 minutes early for events? One of you likes to be right on time? Someone needs to decide to pick their battles rather than insist on their own preference.
Wearing a blue shirt to the gym is a weird and unusual thing to need to argue about though, so some digging is required IN THIS SITUATION.
But I know lots of happy couples where one or the other has some irrational hang up and even then you’ve got to pick your battles. It’s not automatically a deal breaker.
I agree with your parent poster that she needs to disclose if this is a widespread behaviour or a one-off quirk.
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u/SnooMemesjellies8568 18h ago
There's nothing wrong with the top either, this was just about affirming his control
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u/Appropriate-Drag-572 18h ago
This. And NO it doesn't mean youre "being difficult". This is THEM being difficult and guilt tripping you for not folding into compliance
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u/Agitated_Cut_5197 20h ago
Big question
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u/Tight_Watercress_402 19h ago
Good question
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u/inkedup1985 19h ago
Only question.
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u/Overall-Substance-81 20h ago
Aaaand this is why he does this, OP. You’ll cave so he has total control.
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u/New_Feature_5138 19h ago
No it’s because he’s an asshole
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u/JupiterInTheSky 19h ago edited 19h ago
Can we talk about a mans controlling behavior without blaming a woman for "letting" him? That's blatantly not how control works. It's not "because she gives in" that he does this. He would just push harder if she refused.
It's not because of anything shes doing. He's controlling because he's controlling.
Edit: This struck a nerve with the victim blaming community. Fundamental misunderstandings about control dynamics below. Holy misogyny batman
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u/lillielemon 18h ago
I think you're correct in saying nothing she does will make him less controlling. The only thing she can do is leave him. He controls her specifically because she is there. If she doesn't want to be controlled she has to choose to exit the scenario.
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u/Connect-Sundae8469 19h ago
I feel like you are missing something fundamental here because it’s such a sensitive subject. It’s not her fault he’s a controlling person, however the person on the receiving end often does do a lot of things to allow this treatment.
It’s part of how controlling/abusive people choose their partners.
I was in an abusive relationship for a long time. Learning how i contributed was crucial for my healing. It wasn’t my FAULT. I was raised in an emotionally abusive home so I was already conditioned to think it was ok or normal. The fault lies with them & my abuser. But I still had to change my ways in order to heal/not allow these types of people on my life. It’s a tricky topic but for me it was wayyyyy more damaging when I took no accountability for my part. It’s important to handle these topics gently, I don’t like when people act like it’s literally all the victims fault or like they’re angry at the victim. But still. NEVER talking about their role leaves a huge part out of the conversation.
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u/Helpful-Dot-3782 19h ago
Yup. Men like this count on how socialized women are to people please. Oh it’s not hard for me to do something I don’t want to do for the sake of another persons happiness. It’s a slippery slope into being completely disrespected and expected to comply. How hard is it just to say, “No I will not change that is not a reasonable concern.” And then stop the discussion. If it creates an argument that you dare not comply with him then the problem is bigger than wardrobe, it’s that he is pissed he can’t tell you what to do.
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u/NikoOnTheMat 19h ago
If you're going to read a comment OP. At least read this one. Ask yourself how much he's done this, and how often you just do it because you don't want to fight.
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u/generaalalcazar 19h ago
OP, I hope you read this comment from significant waver. Adepting is not bad for you but adepting at the cost of your own freedom and boundaries is the worst You can do for your mental state. I am a Family Lawyer and a telltale sign of coercive behavior is this kind of control. This js the kind of behavior that I have to deal with on a daily basis.
It will never get better, it will get worse untill it reaches a point where you are totally dependent without support.
From the bottom of my heart: get out of this toxic relationship. If not for your self than at least for your future children.
All the best to you, OP.
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u/fargoLEVY13 19h ago
This was nothing more than a power-play. I really hope she ends this relationship, because it only gets worse from here.
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u/Michael_braham 19h ago
It starts with tank tops, it leads to I want your hair like this, it ends up with I want you to stop taking birth control.
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u/TatorTotNachos 19h ago
Good question. Also, why would this turn into an argument? If he is showing a need for control on something as innocuous as a conservative workout top, you may want to start asking yourself how far this could go in the future.
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u/ThisIsNotMyBurner69 19h ago
To be honest I used to do this before I realized that’s not love. Sometimes you don’t see it when you’re in it.
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u/Different-Idea-8203 19h ago
🏆 heres your im too poor for an award award because this!
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u/MatterIntelligent966 19h ago
Exactly. If changing your shirt over a color is the only way to buy peace, you're not in a relationship, you're in a hostage negotiation. What’s next, changing your friends to keep him quiet?
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u/cyffermoon 20h ago
Where’s the overreaction? Heck where’s the reaction? Sounds like you just obeyed your boyfriend for no reason? Why?
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u/GreenStuffGrows 20h ago
He's been training her
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u/MovieTrawler 18h ago edited 14h ago
Also maybe it's just me but this statement feels odd:
I don't mind if he has opinions on my outfits every now and then, that's a normal couple thing.
Is this a normal couple thing? I don't really have vocal or demanding opinions on what my girlfriend wears. It's her style, she's a grown woman and can dress however she wants and feels best. The only time I'll actually comment out loud is if she's wondering if she should keep something and wants honest feedback. But if they're clothes she already owns and she's not asking what I think, I'm not going to tell her what she should or shouldn't wear.
Edit: Well this is a little more divisive than I expected.
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u/thelittlegnome 18h ago
My husband has opinions on what I wear, just like I have favorite outfits of his and ones I hate lol but we never tell each other to go change or what we can or can’t wear. And we only share the negative opinions if asked! This is not normal couple behavior OP.
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u/Lets_Call_It_Wit 17h ago
This. I have a pair of sandals my husband doesn’t like (and will joke about) just like he has a hoodie and a pair of cargo shorts I hate. He knows I don’t like them and he wears them when he wants. I wear those sandals all the time. Neither of us has ever once tried to stop the other from wearing what we like. Having opinions is one thing, controlling what your partner wears is another.
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u/TealedLeaf 13h ago
And honestly, I enjoy asking my hubby to pick out an outfit for me when we're going out somewhere and I want to look cute. I don't have many cute clothes, and I have two obviously favorite shirts. It's usually one of those two and a black skirt (all of them are black, lol), but it's fun and makes me feel like I'm extra cute for him.
The catch is I can and have vetoed shirts, and most of the time I'm initiating it, and from him it's usually a "hey, you wanna wear this one?"
No one gets pouty, no one fusses, and there's absolutely no "you should change."
It's literally just basic consent. The person "giving control" also should have the most control at the end of the day. I think that's what most of these issues end up boiling down to.
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u/ijustsailedaway 17h ago
Having an opinion is not the same as wanting a change. For some dumb reason my husband loves the Kohl's clearance section. And he's color blind. But I married him before I realized he was going to have trash fashion sense in middle age so I'm resigned to often being blinded by bargain bin golf shirts. It's just who he is. Unless a garment actually has something wrong with it, the wearer is the bearer of the bad taste.
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u/Liggidy 16h ago
I hope is is using a 30% off on top of that clearance. My mom won’t walk into a Kohl’s for anything less than 30%.
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u/NoRegretzels 15h ago
I can’t count how many times my colorblind husband has walked out, ready to go in wildly odd mismatching shades of green, purple, brown, and navy blue. I sort his ties and pocket squares by color, and after almost 20 years he’s finally kept his closet separated by colors so I don’t have to give him a 👍🏻/👎🏻 before he wanders out in public looking like a middle-aged rebellious crayola box 😂
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u/Loud_Feed1618 14h ago
My boyfriend sticks to dark colors , surprisingly he has never messed up with clothes. He did buy a dark green blanket once that he thought was grey and he was sad.
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u/Hummingbird3471 16h ago
As someone who grew up shopping exclusively in the Kohl's clearance section, I totally understand him.
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u/jergin_therlax 16h ago
Yeah only jokes though:
“ugh you’re wearing that stupid shirt again” “hell yeah I love this shirt!” Normal healthy relationship
“You’re wearing that shirt again? Id rather you not, go change” unhealthy relationship
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u/Sweet_Permission_700 15h ago
I remember telling my husband to avoid his Oregon Trail shirt when we were traveling for a funeral and on the anniversary of our young daughter's death. Otherwise no.
Though I do admittedly outwardly cringe over socks with sandals every time.
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u/stereothegreat 16h ago
I have opinions on my wife’s clothes but have learnt to shut the fuck up
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u/MovieTrawler 18h ago
This is basically what I mean. That said, I also think she'd look gorgeous in a trashbag so I'm kind of biased.
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u/secretly_opossum 16h ago
My husband bought an absolutely HIDEOUS sweater at a thrift store once. But he loves it and his friends always tell him he looks clean in it, so why should I tell him not to wear it?
I DO tease him when he does, and he teases me back, because he knows I don’t like it but that it doesn’t matter AT ALL whether I like it or not 😂
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u/eatingismyvirtue 18h ago
exactly! the only unprompted reaction i wanna hear from him is that i look amazing lol. if i don’t ask, then i don’t need his opinion
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u/WerewolfCalm5178 17h ago
Or the obvious ones... Your shirt is on backwards, there's a tear, there's a stain, etc.
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u/TDizzleDoT7 16h ago
These are the only times I’ll “negatively” say something about my partners clothing. She doesn’t need to know if I don’t like the look of something because she bought it for a reason - she likes it.
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u/c3bss256 18h ago
My only vocalized opinions are “hey, did you look at the weather? It’s going to be hot/cold” if I think she might not be dressed for the weather.
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u/MovieTrawler 17h ago
Ok, yeah, I agree with that. I think that's a little different than what OP was implying though based on the context of the post.
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u/laurenandsymph 17h ago
I think it’s fine for men or anyone else to have opinions on fashion, but there is no reason to share your unsolicited opinions if you don’t like what someone’s wearing. Imagine it was a stranger - you can walk up and say “hey, I like your outfit” but you wouldn’t walk up and say “hey, I don’t like your outfit”. And asking someone to change their outfit because you don’t like it is where it goes from just rude to controlling and not okay.
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u/FlowSoSlow 17h ago
Imo it's dependant on how realistic it is for her to act on your input.
If she's in the process of getting ready and she asks if this or that dress looks good, give your honest opinion. But if you meet her out somewhere already dressed up, you tell her she looks stunning no matter what.
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u/thin_white_dutchess 17h ago
Never been normal in any relationship I’ve been in. Maybe my husband feels me he particularly likes a certain dress I wear, or tells me he loves me in those jeans or something, and I’ll tell him he looks extra amazing in that one black shirt, but I never tell him “people will look at him funny” or he should change. He wouldn’t tell me that either. My dad has never said anything like that to my mom. I’ve never seen my friends have that experience. I HAVE seen that happen to my sister, and her husband got arrested for domestic violence and then went to jail for drug trafficking after she divorced him, so I guess it happens, but normal? I hope not.
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u/milkybynow 19h ago
The overreaction is considering that he may have been wrong. Sad to think about how much emotional fuckery has to happen before it gets there.
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u/SheLikesToWatch_1989 19h ago
He's controlling her. Personalities and how people process things vary from person to person. Perhaps you and I would have noped out at the first 🚩. Some peope don't even see the 🚩.
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u/deliciousearlobes 18h ago
Red flags just look like flags when you’re wearing rose colored glasses.
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u/cefriano 17h ago
"Am I overreacting for having negative feelings that I've entirely kept to myself?"
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u/petera181 16h ago
Her reaction is that she’s upset. She’s asking if she has the right to feel upset about him being controlling.
And she’s absolutely NOR. That’s not ok to genuinely force your significant other to changer their clothes for no reason.
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u/Senior-Reality-25 20h ago
He’s testing if you’ll let yourself be pushed over for a little thing.
And you did!
Now he can start working on the things he really wants to control about you.
Good luck, OP.
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u/stormyanchor 18h ago
Came here to say this. OP is being tested and the control is just going to amp up from here. I’m sure it started before this and the “blue shirt must be changed” tactic is a ramping up. Picking something that makes zero sense really gives him a sense of how much he can get away with.
Please end this relationship and protect yourself, OP. This will get SO much worse over time.
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u/SerDuncanTheYall 18h ago
I don't know, blue is such a sluttly color.
/s
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u/m1kasa4ckerman 20h ago
Why does this feel like something that would be circulating in the manosphere? Like testing one’s partner to see how far the man can push and control, over the most minuscule things.
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u/DontDriveAngry_ 20h ago
This is possible and the most disturbing.
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u/Significant-Bee5101 18h ago
It's really weird because, as a guy, I don't think I've ever ever ever ever once thought about my girlfriends clothing really. In any relationship. It's just not on my list of things to worry about. I suppose I might say "It's gunna be cold are you sure you don't want a hoodie/jacket?" but I think that's as far as my brain has ever gone for this. I wonder what people think when they do this stuff.
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u/Royal_Crush 13h ago
I've been conditioned to care about my girlfriends clothing, because she wants my opinion on how she looks so I need to pretend I prefer seeing her in that cute summer dress even though she might as well be wearing a hoodie and jogging pants and I would love to look at her all the same.
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u/notafuckingcakewalk 12h ago
I don't think I've ever ever ever ever once thought about my girlfriends clothing really
I have, but only in the sense of "wow, she looks really hot in that"
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u/mustachechap 20h ago
That's what this feels like to me. My ex was toxic and abusive, and when I look back I see that in the early stages there were just these little moments like these where my boundaries were tested. Of course, that was only the beginning and things progressively got worse.
Separately, I had a friend growing up who wanted to better himself and make himself more confident. He ended up reading some books on the subject and while I'm sure there are some positive reads out there, one of the things he 'learned' was how you can get people to do what you want if you just start with small little asks like this. They seem harmless enough, but it sets the 'tone' that they can tell you to do more things going forward.
OP mentioned just going along with it to avoid an argument and that really says everything to me. I can't even fathom telling my partner what to wear (unless they are genuinely asking for my opinion), and I can't imagine her doing the same to me.
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u/mymanonwillpower 19h ago edited 19h ago
my ex told me it’s not that he’s controlling me, it’s that i’m “resisting him” and “exerting” my independence! because i don’t want to be forced into doing things i don’t want to do. like watching a show he’s already watching with other people. or a movie he already watched by himself. he even tried to justify it with “it’s not like im telling you how to dress” like that’s not the stepping stones. he even told me i don’t have a stable sense of self and that’s why i don’t want to be forced into doing things. i know the intent was manipulation but that was genuinely the stupidest shit i ever heard.
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u/ToxicSociety_666 19h ago
That is why you need to be secure in yourself before dating. There will be too many people waiting for hesitation or open doors to the mind so to say, easy listeners and someone who doesn't mind doing a small task once and a while and will literally execute excessive stages of gaslighting and manipulation to where its been 3 years and you don't know how it got this way, you hate it and you want out, but every time you think for yourself you have second thoughts or it feels wrong. Its terrible to see anyone else get into a situation as such. Especially when I know what it looks like when it starts. This is one of those times
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u/LemonTeaFerret 19h ago
I agree. NOR. It reminds me where a bunch of women were talking about how their bfs were saying they smelled bad and it turned out it was a thing their partners learned online would mess with their self esteem.
There’s absolutely nothing odd about the shirt in the least.
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u/sarcosaurus 18h ago
Or the post where a guy woke his wife up every night to ask her what time it was
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u/SnakesBox_ 19h ago
CHILLING. I didn't even think of that but it definitely makes sense. Just creeping control that eventually takes over everything.
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u/shivampire 19h ago
I was so confused trying to figure out what was wrong with that color. This comment is probably the most accurate
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u/mymanonwillpower 20h ago
wouldn’t be surprised. can’t help but feel the manosphere affected my last LTR lol
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u/Strict_Attention1472 19h ago
This was a test.
He is testing how compliant you are, how easily you give in, how much he can control you.
Nothing at all was wrong with your outfit. He just wanted to see if he could get you to change for no good reason.
It starts small but this WILL escalate. He’ll tell you what you can wear, then what you can eat, who you can see, when you can go out… but it won’t look like an order. Just stay in tonight, I need company. Just skip this one dinner, it’s too far to drive. He’ll wheedle and cajole and whine until you give in, and every time you do he’ll have a bit more control over you.
What would have happened if you’d said, clearly and calmly, “my outfit is fine, I don’t need to change it. Let’s go”? Would he have got angry? Argued until he was yelling? Whined about how you don’t respect his opinion? All of those things are gigantic red flags.
Stop giving in to keep the peace, because the only peace you’re protecting is his.
Do what you want, and if he gets mad about that then leave him!!!!
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u/Strict_Attention1472 18h ago
I draw particular attention to the following:
- He waited right until you were at the door to say anything, creating a false sense of urgency
- He used shame to get his own way (“what will people think of you?” - they will think you’re a person in a blue top. That’s it.) If there was a problem with the top, he could have said “hey that one’s ripped/stained/faded in patches” or something, but instead he made a baseless claim that it was weird and told you that other people would stare at you if you wore it.
- He presented his ask as if what you were wearing wasn’t already normal. Add gaslighting to the list of charges
- _There was nothing at all wrong with the top in the first place_ so why would he ask you to change?
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u/lelawes 11h ago
This is exactly what my ex used to do with me. It started this way, moved to needing to have him approve outfits in advance, then moved to him still saying it wasn’t right as we were going out the door. Then he would gaslight me into thinking he had never approved it, then would make me feel insecure and ignore me at whatever the event was so that I wouldn’t do it again.
Yeah. It really doesn’t get better until you leave.
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u/Background_Big7363 19h ago
"... going along with it because I didn't want to start an argument..."
But it was him who was starting an argument, not you.
Here's what a healthy woman would do in a situation like this when a man starts an argument over clothes: say, "Fuck off. I wear what I want."
And walk out the door. Let him piss and moan all he wants.
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u/rainbowofwuuunderrr 16h ago
Her complying because she "didn't want to start an argument" over the color of a shirt is wild. Why is she scared of something so trivial becoming an argument and why is she taking the blame for starting it by simply saying no to changing her own shirt???👀🚩🚩🚩
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u/TrelanaSakuyo 17h ago
My go-to for weird comments like the "that blue looks weird" is often "ok. No one asked you, but what's your point?" then repeat as necessary until I get a demand to change. Then it becomes "fuck off, I wear what I want."
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u/Unfair-Arachnid-1794 20h ago edited 19h ago
NOR - It's weird for him to* react that way..over a colour???? Lol, Id ask him for clarification.
Edit for typo
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u/SubstantialPressure3 20h ago
I would not.
I spent years arguing with my ex bc he wanted to pick my clothes for me all the time. Id get out of the shower and he would have my clothes laying on the bed. And I am an adult and I will pick my own clothes. And it was always an argument.
This is the start of the control/dominance. It starts with small stuff.
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u/Subject_Cranberry_19 20h ago
This would have been bad for me when I was younger, as I have minor option anxiety and would be delighted to have someone else pick my clothes. Another thing I don’t have to think about.
I probably wouldn’t have recognized it for the red flag it is.
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u/Atara117 19h ago
At this point in my life, I'm tired. If someone wants to lay out my clothes for me everyday and they look ok on me, I'm ready lol.
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u/Subject_Cranberry_19 19h ago
Right? My ex boyfriend’s mom (a very kind but over-involved Yugoslavian lady) organized my underwear drawer without asking.
My friends were horrified.
“Omg! What did you say to her?!”
“I told her the socks were two drawers down!”
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u/cubluemoon 19h ago
This is ok if it's something you've consented to, otherwise it's a big red flag. There are plenty of people in submissive relationships that agree to have their partners dress them, but it comes with a whole discussion about what your are comfortable with and when you choose your own clothes.
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u/TTHS_Ed 19h ago
Picking out clothes for my spouse is a daily occurrence in our house. He goes to work early and showers when he gets home, and I always put out clean clothes and a towel for him.
When we're dressing to go out somewhere special, he always asks me to pick his "costume" for him.
But I would never tell him to change clothes when he picks his own outfit. That's weird and controlling.
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u/SubstantialPressure3 18h ago
Thats a big difference.. He prefers that you do that for him. Sounds like hes insecure with his choice of clothing, and part of your love language is doing that for him.
And there's also trust. Youre not going to pick something that's unflattering, uncomfortable, etc on purpose. You have his best interests in mind.
Intent and consent. Its not control or dominance.
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u/TonyDC88 19h ago
This would not go over well with me. Maybe it’s some PTSD from past situations and relations. But nowadays - nope sorry, there’s the door. I’ve had guys try this ish at bars and I don’t even know them (one dude tried to tell me how to stand, tried to put his hands on me and all - like bruh THIS is why you’re still single at 60). I waited for him to be busy paying his bill (no I didn’t want him buying me drinks or food - I take care of me) and I flew outside looking for my car, like an agent in a 007 film or something. #ByeFelicia
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u/Weird-Knowledge337 19h ago
It shouldn’t go over well with anyone. It’s controlling overbearing dickhead behavior so anyone should show him the door
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u/Gingerpett 19h ago edited 19h ago
"I don't mind if he has opinions on my outfits every now and then, that's a normal couple thing."
Honey. I'm 52. I've had plenty of relationships. The only time my partners have offered opinions on my outfit is if I've explicitly asked them. Or if they just can't help themselves exclaim how great I look.
This is very much not a normal couple thing and the fact that you think it is shows how distorted your view has become.
Your man should lift you up and think you're the most gorgeous thing to walk the earth, even if you were dressed in a bin bag. If he doesn't, then he's not your man.
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u/arapaima-fishie 19h ago
Nah I agree with you. I know what clothes I do and don’t look good in, so I don’t buy or wear anything that I don’t like myself in. If I was trying something new or unsure of something, I’d ask my boyfriend’s opinion.
I go through my life wearing clothes I know I look good in, or I wouldn’t buy them. If something seems too tight then that’s exactly how I want it to look. Are other people not doing the same thing??
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u/happygoluckyourself 19h ago
I came here to say this. I’ve been married for a decade. My husband has never offered a negative opinion on my clothing (never said a colour didn’t flatter me or that he didn’t like something, and certainly never told me to change - though he’s suggested it if he’s concerned I’ll be too hot/cold). He’s complimented me many times, and if I ask him he’ll offer an opinion, but he knows his unsolicited opinion on my clothing is not particularly relevant to me because I wear what I like and feel comfortable in and am an adult.
If my husband said this to me we would be having a serious conversation. It’s not ok to try to control your partner this way, and how casual it seems to be is even more concerning. NOR OP.
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u/greenwoodgiant 18h ago
Seconding this - unprompted criticism of your girlfriend's outfits is *not even a little bit* a normal couple thing.
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u/-HyperCrafts- 19h ago
I am so glad someone said it. That is definitely not normal. I would leave a man soooo quick for that shit.
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u/Narrow-Cranberry2138 18h ago edited 10h ago
This, I’m 33 and have been with my husband for 11 years, no wayyyyyyyyyy would he give an unsolicited opinion about changing. I’ve also worn outfits I probably shouldn’t have gone out in (baggy sweatpants and hoodies) and he always goes “you look so cute” and the funny part I know he’s not lying, just doesn’t know clothes lolol.
I don’t understand the motive behind the boyfriend in the post either. It’s obviously control but I don’t understand why you would care what someone wears? I remember my mom dressing up and my dad would say “who are you dressing up for”, but there’s a reason I never looked up to him. My dad would try to demean my mom, this sounds like he’s grooming her. I don’t get it?
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u/failtoseebb 20h ago
this is really strange, like absurd. its literally the most regular textbook blue i can think of. lmao
Maybe im weird, but id wanna find out more about what caused him to feel so strongly about this shade of blue, there MUST be something deeper lol
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u/jojopriceless 18h ago
Nah. So many women get stuck in toxic relationships trying to figure out "the deeper meaning" or "what he really meant," believing that if they knew that, they should fix him. But if he doesn't have enough self-awareness to know what it is that's really bothering him in the first place and then enough maturity to communicate that in a respectful way, there's nothing she can do to bring that out of him. This is not a communication issue, this is an emotional intelligence issue. Just cause someone wants a relationship doesn't mean they're ready for one.
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u/juliana-crain 18h ago
I absolutely would not want to find out more. Trying to understand this is a fool's errand, and an avenue for this guy to exhaust her resistance.
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u/AMonitorDarkly 18h ago
He’s been listening to Alpha-douche podcasts. This was a power move to exert control over how you look. Act accordingly.
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u/2lit2bSquare 20h ago
NOR ya boi has lost his mind
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u/megamoze 17h ago
The worst part is that she immediately caved. She taught him that he can do this and she'll go along with it.
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u/browsing-at-night 20h ago
Nor this is soooo odd lmao????
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u/ShiverCity 20h ago
Like is this a test run for a bigger ask?!
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u/aintnotnever 19h ago
Yes textbook abuse. Start small and break her down over time so he can control everything.
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u/spankthegoodgirl 20h ago
Don't go along with it. Stand up for yourself. His reaction will tell you a lot about how controlling he really is.
You're not overreacting. Please be careful.
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u/unclethulk 17h ago
Stand up for yourself, and do it so damn nonchalantly that it undermines his whole game. If you come back with a high energy confrontational response about making your own choices (which would be justified) he’s going to use it to gaslight you and make you seem crazy. Hit him with “nah, I’m good” and keep right on walking like the matter is closed and was never really open to begin with. He will hate that, because it will demonstrate that he can’t even get a foothold, much less win the manipulation game.
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u/thirdpartyadvocate 20h ago
NOR, he’s insecure about something else.
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u/BeeHonest94 19h ago
I don’t think you’re wrong but this kind of comment can encourage someone in an abusive relationship to empathise and excuse controlling behaviour. It’s about control.
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u/RefrigeratorBig3599 10h ago
Fuck him break up with him it’s a slippery slope and it starts like this
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u/gabrielle117 20h ago
NOR that's a weird and creepy thing for your boyfriend to say. Keep an eye out for similar red flags because it usually starts in small ways like this. If you give him this small control, before you know it he'll be trying to control a lot more of you.
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u/rinky79 20h ago
Yeah no I would stop in my tracks and insist he explain that complete nonsense with small words and visual aids because what the fuck.
If the top were tight/revealing and he was just being (inappropriately) controlling and misogynist by trying to get you to change into something baggy, that's still not ok but at least it has a coherent reason.
This, though...That shirt is a very normal shade of blue. I'm actually wearing an Athleta zip-up hoodie in that same shade over my work blouse at my desk right now. I cannot think of a single reason why blue would be objectionable, unless it is actually 1988, he is an active member of the Bloods, you live in Compton, and he is worried about you getting shot by a Crip.
NOR. You're underreacting. Don't roll over for this bullshit just to avoid an argument, OP. It's a slippery slope.
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u/Spyderbeast 19h ago
NOR
He's taking perfectly normal clothes and using them as an excuse to neg you
He wants you uncomfortable, unsettled and insecure, because that makes controlling you easier
Look back on your relationship. I bet this isn't his first instance of inexplicable irrational comments intended to bring you down a peg
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u/ninaa1 19h ago
I notice that he also started this argument right as they were leaving, so OP either chooses to give in so they can leave on time, or she disagrees and suddenly the argument and any subsequent fallout (lateness, schedules changes, canceled plans) are all her fault.
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u/Spidron 19h ago
NOR.
It wasn’t about the color.
There was something else he didn’t want to tell you. Maybe it was too sexy. Or not sexy enough. Or not stylish enough. Or looked worn out. Or a „testing his control“ thing (as others suggested). Or whatever.
But it wasn’t about the color, I promise you. It’s a perfectly normal color that goes perfectly fine with black shorts.
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u/sobabygirl 20h ago
NOR this is so weird? I don’t see why people would stare at you for wearing this. it’s literally just a blue shirt
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u/PsychWriter11 19h ago
Im sorry… Im so confused by this thread I dont know what to say.
The color bothered him? Why? Oh thats right, you didnt ask him why.
Then, paragraphs about controlling men and abuse.
But..but..but WHY ? WHATS WRONG WITH THE COLOR? WHY NOT ASK HIM WHATS WRONG WITH THE COLOR?
I feel like I missed a chapter.
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u/LRGinCharge 19h ago
NOR - there was a post recently from a woman whose boyfriend told her she shouldn’t get mustard on her own sandwich that he wasn’t even going to eat. She likes mustard so she ordered it with mustard anyway, and the guy lost his shit and left then she posted the screenshots of the horrible, demeaning rage texts he sent her. Over mustard. I was so confused, but all the comments said this is a manosphere /red pill/incel thing where it’s just about seeing how much you can control. They get off on negging you and controlling you. He doesn’t see you as a human being. Run.
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u/slimmer01 20h ago
His issue being with the color is very strange. It's a normal colo and not even flashy. Did you ask him why the color is "weird"?
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u/Helpful_Warthog6032 20h ago
NOR. This feels like something someone with a concussion would say. Not even trying to be funny, that is honestly such a strange thing to say.
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u/kairi14 20h ago
Lol is he in a gang?? Thats what I'd ask him. "Dude, are you a blood? What is your problem with blue?"