At this point, I’m trying to revisit my four years of alcoholism. That unfortunately built up at a tolerance that’s rather expensive but we’re gonna break the bank tonight. Not a fuck will be given.

About 15 yrs ago or so I was visibly worried about a last minute call to the bosses office. She asked what was wrong? I said something like Am I in trouble? Or similar.

She said, I just need you to do XYZ. "Don't flatter yourself, people are not thinking about you nearly as much as you think they are."

That really stuck with me and I'd wager I remember and use that to my advantage at least once a day.

You wanna cut your hair? do it You wanna do this do it. Listen if you not doing it is making you stressed out, making you suffer? do it fucking let go of that shit and do it

Since the day I got into living with something along those lines in the title. It felt easier not to carry the weights of the world on my shoulders.

Well, yeah, it's important to get to understand each other. But the main thing is, when someone gives me a reaction, an opinion, a perspective or whatever else. It's not on me to make excuses for them, for why they did so or, or try to justify their actions. After all, it's the other who is entitled and responsible mostly for their own, same as I am for my own things that come from my side.

Communication, is one hell of a great invention our "evolved ancestor apes" came up with. And no, one thing I had a hard time accepting but reality changed that, is I cannot understand you fully. I might, I like to think I have empathy at least, but still I'm not literally in your shoes and even if I had experience the exact same then it doesn't mean I totally get you for we are still different human beings who had at least a slightly different journey so far. And plus, understanding someone, does not mean justifying nor tolerating what they've done or said, after all I'm still entitled to my emotions and views, and how their actions or behavior have affected me, soo..

Btw, this applies vice versa. The point of this post is stressing on communication, empathy, and not betraying one's self just to accommodate others, and yet be aware and responsible for how one's self affects others.

I’m learning that sometimes anger is not just anger. Sometimes it is hurt that had nowhere to go, fear trying to sound strong or me feeling disrespected, ignored, or just tired of holding too much in. I used to think not giving a fuck meant I should not feel it. Now I think it means I do not have to let anger drive the whole car. I can feel it without letting it make every decision for me.

And by this I do not mean to undermine others or become the devil. So hear me out.

Many tend to walk their lives, caring too much about what others think of them, how they see them and judge them. It can be because the person needs to feel cared for (which is fair) or been through experiences where overthinking and caring too much is literally a survival mechanism (and don't get me wrong, some level of caring is totally fine for we are social creatures).

The issue is clearer when even people whom don't matter to your life, who do not pay your bills, or who are actually the ones who are literally undermining you. Yet they occupy a space in your mind where you are careful about how they might think of you, how they would judge you or see you. Where you actually do things or not just out of consideration to these people. And that's where we can fail.

The distinction between people who matter to our lives and those others, can be confusing to some, it is even to myself so far. But to live on carrying the eyes of others above your head like a cloud following you is energy depleting, and that's unfair to the people who actually matter to your life, and it's unfair to yourself bearing weights beyond your responsibility to handle.